“Sort of.” I nodded. “One of the book sections was all about ethical hacking. Using hacking for good, and that’s something we both really resonated with. We basically just kept buying more and more books, researched what we could, and learned everything as we went. I think hacking can be an acquired skill if someone has the patience and passion for it, but I also think Ace and I just have talent.”
“I’ll say.” She grinned. “Look at you now. Saving girls and what not.”
I resisted the urge to bop her on the nose. “The more we did it, the faster we became at it. It pretty much took over our entire life. When I was in college, there was a group of people hacking into the school’s network for petty shit like changing grades, canceling class, and setting off fire alarms. Stopping them was exactly the kind of thing Ace and I liked to do. We spent a whole night drinking Diet Coke and eating Red Vines beating them at their own game.”
“And then Cruz showed up, banging on our door in the middle of the night.” Ace popped his neck and propped his hands behind his neck. “That sweet, sweet man changed me forever.”
The look Sage gave Ace was the same one he’d often get from people who didn’t know him since birth. “I’m confused. Was Cruz part of the group that was changing grades?”
“No, Sunshine. Circuit was in the process of taking down that group when Ace and I got involved. Cruz tracked us down, because he’s the best, and long story short, he offered us a place in Circuit.”
It wasn’t really that simple, but the details were boring. Ace and I underwent a background check that could’ve given the one the FBI runs on new candidates a run for its money. It was almost two months after meeting Cruz before he’d let us inside the underworld and offered us an official spot. It was two months of him hacking into our shit and vetting us before he decided he could trust us. During the entire process, I was equal parts terrified and excited. I thought I’d never feel that odd combination again.
And then I met Sage Maddison.
“You guys are so cool.” Sage blurted. “Honestly, I wish I had something like that. Something to put all my energy into. A hobby to feel passionate about.”
Her grin disappeared, her lips drooping downward and cheeks paling. Her hands started to wring together as her feet began to tap restlessly against the floor.
“Sage.” I caught her attention, holding her gaze. “You okay?”
She nodded her head and swayed, her hands squeezing each other so tightly, her knuckles whitened. I heard her breathing hitch and sat up quickly. Desperate to provide her with the comfort it took to rid her mind of whatever just attacked it, I wrapped my arm around her shoulders. She flinched slightly, and I almost pulled back. She stopped me by relaxing into me. She wrapped one arm around my stomach and grabbed a fist full of my T-shirt as if she were begging me not to move a muscle while she decided how to proceed.
She nuzzled her head under my chin and rested her cheek on my chest. A low shudder rocked her body before she fully relaxed. Very slowly, I eased backward so I was propped against the cushions and she was propped against me. I put my nose to the top of her head and inhaled the scent I’ve come to long for. There wasn’t anything super random about the way she smelled. She didn’t smell like tangerines or coconuts or strawberries. No overpowering body spray or eye-watering body odor. Sage smelled clean. Her scent reminded me of the laundry detergent my mom used when I was a kid. It was a smell that comforted me and put me in a position to feel safe and vulnerable. Everything about Sage reminded me of home.
A loud, completely unnecessary and very fake, cough interrupted my moment. I lifted my head and glared at Ace. “Yeah?”
“Oh, I’m sorry!” He threw his hands in the air and flailed. “Was I just supposed to pretend that you and phantom girl aren’t over there snuggling? Good God, the heat level in the place just went off the charts. Since when did this start happening? Are you using protection? Please, tell me you showered first. Sage, do the curtains match the drapes? Oh, wait, I already know that they do.”
I was swallowed by a giant hole of humiliation. I attempted to use my eyes, my glasses, and the light from the TV to light Ace’s hair on fire. I glared at him like I never have before and lifted both my middle fingers. Sage jerked against my chest, and I hoped to hell she was gawking at him and not planning her escape.
She sat up straighter, and something remarkable happened.
She threw her head back in laughter.
Not a chuckle. Or a small fit of giggles I’ve heard before.
It was a full-blown howl. She clutched her stomach and cackled unrestrained.
Her laugh was miraculous. And fucking adorable. It was a bit strangulated, like the beginnings of her giggle fit got caught in the back of her throat and turned into her gulping for air in a natural and contagious way.
It was the first time I’d witnessed her be so expressive. I grabbed at the moment with two fists and held on tight.
“You are so extra!” She shouted at Ace, wiping at her eyes. “The stuff you say is so inappropriate. You would’ve loved Trish. She was exactly the same.”
My grip on her tightened at the crack in her voice.
Ace gave her a wobbly smile. “If she was anything like you, I have no doubt she was amazing.”
“Oh, she was nothing like me.” Sage settled back on my chest, sniffling. “Trish was a lot like you, Ace. She said whatever came to mind and did things with no hesitations. I was more of an overthinker. I said what if a lot, and Trish had no room in her vocabulary for that saying. My mom would say we were like yin and yang, completely different but fit together like two pieces of a puzzle. I think our differences are what made us such close friends. Trish used to say I grounded her, kept her feet level with the earth while she made me feel brave. And spontaneous. She was my Mischief.” She swiped at her face. “I miss her so much.”
The room went silent. It wasn’t a deafening silence that caved in on a person and thickened the air, making it hard to breathe. It was a comfortable silence. A relaxed pause in time when we all shared a moment of peace for my girl’s best friend.
It was Sage who broke the silence. “I used to tell her I wanted to be just like her. She would get so mad every time, spewing about how I was perfect the way I was and yadda yadda. Mostly, I just meant that I wanted to be able to do something with confidence. Or, at the very least, make a damn decision. Ugh. I was so bad at making decisions.”
I ran my fingers through her snow-white hair. “What kind of decisions?”
“Important ones.” She shifted, her grip on me tightening. “I spent all of senior year trying to figure out what to do with my life and didn’t come up with a single answer. Trish practically knew the moment she was born she was going to go into elementary education. She loved kids. She’d be able to have a conversation with a toddler for hours. It was her thing. I didn’t have a thing. I was just gonna go to college and hope it came to me.”
“Ya know, college isn’t always for everybody.” Ace said casually. “It was never an option for me. I hated school and could have never afforded it. You ever think about just getting certified in something?”
“I didn’t at the time.” Sage snorted. “My dad never really made it seem like not going to college was an option. I applied to four and enrolled in the one my brother and Trish were going to. Trish made it her mission to spend all summer helping me figure out a program to study. And then I was kidnapped by a drug dealer and a murderer. So, there’s that.”
Ace’s jaw dropped at the way she so casually threw out those words. I gave him a look that told him to school his expression and didn’t say anything for a while. I knew Sage well enough now to know that those sentences are just words she says so she doesn’t have to actually feel anything. If she pretends it was just a regular day, she can stop her mind from remembering it was one that changed her forever.
“So…” Ace began. “Do you want to go to college now?”
“Honestly? I never wanted to go to co
llege, and it’s not like I was thinking about what degree I wanted to earn when I was being tossed around. Until you guys, I didn’t even have a desire to leave my bedroom. But then a little bit ago, my father started asking questions about my plan for the rest of my life.” She huffed, her voice cracking as she spoke. “Which is totally unfair considering eight months ago I didn’t even know I’d have the rest of my life.”
“Sunshine…” I kissed the top of her head and held her close, fighting emotion. Something in my chest seized painfully at the way she spoke about not knowing her fate. It fucking gutted me. I felt like my insides got tossed into a blender and were trying to replace themselves where they belonged.
“It’s just upsetting because my brain can only handle a few things at once, and the last thing on my mind right now is getting a job or going to college. Like, I won’t let people touch me or eat anything from a public place, but let’s go to college.” She sighed, swiping at her face again. “I don’t want to let down my family, but I can’t do it right now.”
“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, phantom girl!” Ace declared. “Live off the land.”
She chuckled, sniffling. “You are such a weird-o.”
“And damn proud.” He smacked his chest and held up a Vulcan V. “Weird-o for life.”
She snorted. “I’ll figure something out one day. Or I keep saying that to my father, at least.”
“You will, Sunshine. One day, you’ll just know.”
She shrugged against me, nuzzling her cheek against my chest. I hoped it was because my chest was my chest and the shirt I was wearing wasn’t just super soft. I did a lot of research on haphephobia and was well aware of how psychically painful it can be for someone who suffers from the disorder to touch anyone. To see her so relaxed with my arms wound loosely around her was not something my mind or my heart would ever take for granted.
“Can we watch the movie now?” Sage’s voice was almost a whisper, reminding me that no matter how many jokes she made, or how comfortable she seemed with her past, it was taxing for her to speak about it.
“Sure thing, girl.” Ace flashed her a friendly smile and raised the remote.
Before he had even a second to press play, our apartment door flew open. Sounds of wood splitting filled the small space.
Crack!
The remote in Ace’s hand went flying from his grip, smacking the wall behind him with a loud thud as he catapulted himself off the chair. I spun my upper body, wild eyes locking on two police officers, guns raised high. Sage’s scream ripped out of her and bounced off the walls. Her small body scrambled from my lap and curled into a ball on the floor.
Ace held his hands up quickly and stepped over Sage, blocking her from seeing the guns. The urge to protect her from whatever the hell was happening overcame every single molecule inside my body. I threw myself on top of Sage, caging her in and pushing my face in her neck.
“Whoa!” Ace shouted. I heard the tremor in his voice. I knew he was losing his shit, but I could not bring myself to move away from Sage. She was shaking like she’d been outside in a negative wind chill all day. I wanted to hurl and beat the shit out of those police officers all the same. I had an eerie feeling why they pounded in my door. I engaged in illegal activity on a daily basis. It was a consequence I knew was there, and I always told myself I’d go willingly if, god forbid, the time came. Now? After hearing Sage’s soft cries while her bones go stiff as steel beneath me, I sure as shit will not be going willingly.
“Guns.” I heard her whimper. “Please, no more guns.”
“Put the God damn guns down!” I had to force myself not to shout in her ear. “Please, put down the guns! You’re scaring her!”
“Come on, man!” Ace growled. “We will do whatever you want. One of those things killed her best friend! Put it down!”
“Where is Sage Maddison?” An unfamiliar voice boomed.
Sage flinched. “I don’t want to go.” Her muffled sob tore a crack down my heart. “Don’t let them take me. Not again. Please, I don’t want to go.”
Moisture burned my eyes. “I won’t let anyone take you, Sage.” Wherever she was, she wasn't here. Not in my apartment or in my arms. She was transported back to a place that had brought her nothing but darkness. I tightened my grip, wanting so desperately to show her the light was still here and would never leave her again.
“Where is Sage Maddison?” The man demanded again. I craned my head to attempt to see him but was met only with Ace’s back as he widened his stance to keep Sage from seeing whatever was happening.
I had never loved my brother more than I did at that moment.
“Sage Maddison is right behind me, terrified because you burst into her best friend’s apartment and shoved a God damn gun in her face!” I didn’t need to see his face to know it was bright red. His blood was likely boiling over just as mine was. “Do you have a reason for why you just destroyed my friend’s property and are aiming two loaded guns at my chest?”
Heavy footsteps shook the ground, causing Sage’s sobs to worsen. “Where the hell is my daughter?”
My eyes went wide.
Her body stiffened beneath me. A shaky hand lifted as she gripped my forearm, squeezing with a force I didn’t know she was capable of.
“Dad?” She choked.
19
Sage
I was never a great student. I wasn’t a bad one either. Just... average. I got As and Bs, scored pretty well on my state tests but I wasn’t in the top ten or a winner of any scholarships at graduation. I paid attention in school and never cheated, always passing the tests and turning in my homework. But I’d never once asked a question when I didn’t understand something. I was too shy. Raising my hand in a room full of teens, watching them rub their hands together deviously and just waiting for their shot to judge me, made me dizzy.
I kept my hands in my lap and mouth zipped shut, choosing to guess rather than ask a question. That method worked fine for me for so long. I’d never once regretted it.
And then my brain stopped functioning normally, and I found myself wishing I would’ve asked questions junior year when we were learning about the brain and the importance of neurons. If I’d asked a question or two, I might’ve been able to explain why my neurons didn’t seem to work properly anymore.
I spent four days in my bed, asking myself that question over and over.
Why did my brain make my eyes see things that weren’t actually happening?
Why did my mind jump to conclusions?
Why does my mind hate the rest of me, and will it ever stop?
I was sure there were no real answers to any of those questions, but I came up with a few that made sense to me.
I was broken.
There was a glitch in me.
Something was failing to work right.
They were the only logical explanations as to why I was relaxed one minute, conversing with friends like a normal human being, and on the floor the next, my eyes only seeing the barrel of a gun, Trish’s blood, and darkness when that bag was forced over my head.
I could hear nothing, see nothing, feel nothing that didn’t take me back to the moment that broke me. It was my dad’s voice that ultimately cleared some of the fog. My mind was barely functioning when people started shouting, talking a mile a minute about tracking my cell phone and accusing Wren and Ace of taking me.
My American Girl Doll Method had failed me. What’s more, I failed Wren and Ace. The first real friends I had and I’d managed to get a gun pointed at them, forced Wren’s property to be destroyed, and had a panic attack on his living room floor.
I was barely functioning when I told the cops Wren was my friend and I drove my mother’s car to his place willingly. My mind registered more policemen, Brett, and my father’s stoic face as he scanned the way my limbs refused to detach from Wren.
I couldn’t explain it then.
Four days later, there was still no explanation.
M
y bedroom door creaked open. “Sage?”
I peeled my comforter from my head slowly, long strands of hair sticking to the sweaty surfaces of my face. I blinked at the fluorescent light coming from above me. My groggy gaze found Brett in the doorway, looking like hell. “Hmm?”
“Can I come in?” He stepped inside and shut the door behind him before giving me a chance to answer. “You remember that time in my car we had that really nice, honest talk?”
I wouldn’t have called it nice, but I nodded against my pillow anyway.
“Could we have another one of those?”
“To be honest, Brett.” I swallowed roughly in an attempt to rid my dry throat. “I’m not sure I have it in me.”
“Okay. I respect that. Would you try though?”
He was desperate to help me. That was something that’d always hold true. “Sure.”
“How come you won’t see Julie?”
“Because she’ll ask questions I don’t have answers to yet.”
“What do you mean?” He walked slowly to the side of my bed and sat carefully on the edge of my nightstand.
“I just mean she’ll ask why I did what I did, and I don’t know.”
He nodded, scratching the scruff on his chin I’d never seen so long. “Why you did what you did. You mean, like, touching a human who’s also a stranger?”
Understanding dawned on me, and I thanked my brain it could at least recognize when I was being played. “She put you up to this, huh? Julie? She, mom, and dad are conspiring about me.”
His hands tightened on the edge of my dresser, his knuckles turning white with the force of his grip. He peered up at me with a miserable expression. “Yes.”
I sighed and rolled the other way, blinking back tears that seemed to sneak up on me. I wasn’t sure what they were derived from, but they were there.
They were always there.
“Sage, I’m sorry.” His voice was thick and wobbly. “They said it would help. I didn’t know what to do. I just wanna help.”
I took a slow, drawn-out breath and stared at the wall as I told him the truth. “It would help very much if I could just be your little sister again. I hate being a patient and a victim around you. I just want you to be my brother.” I rolled back over, watching the way he picked at his nails nervously. “I’m thankful you respect these boundaries I have now, but I don’t want you to hold back when you talk to me. Be honest, don’t beat around the bush.”
Specter: Circuit Series Book One Page 17
