‘But you did, Harry, and you were hardly reticent. The very least you can do is be honest.’
He began to pace, cracks in his normally controlled manner showing as exasperation pushed through. ‘This is my first opportunity to tell you everything you deserve to know; think back and you’ll know I am being honest.’
‘You could have told me two nights ago.’
‘Yes, I could have walked in, taken off my hat and said, “Now, look here, Mrs Britten-Jones, let’s not have a few moments of laughter together before your parents arrive and instead let me tell you all about my miserable background. It’s going to make you look at me differently and perhaps even hate me”.’
It was her turn to purse her lips. ‘No need to be sarcastic.’
‘Love was the last potential event on my mind, Alex. However, just like you say, fate stepped in . . . as if to have some days of amusement at our expense. I promise you that learning this background will do you no good. If anything, I think it will injure and that’s what I don’t want.’
She was not to be deterred even though his argument sounded fair . . . even kind, but Alex was hurting now and that pain came from a woman – a perfect stranger – called Bethany.
‘Nevertheless, you ruthlessly make love to me and then what, just walk away, say farewell like acquaintances . . . hope our paths cross again sometime . . . that sort of thing? How kind. How very thoughtful of you,’ she remarked, unable to disguise either the tart note or her expression that she knew must look as though she were sucking on a quarter of lemon.
He opened his arms in surrender. ‘Alex, I can’t win.’
‘You mean if you’d told me first there was a romantic commitment in your life, I likely wouldn’t have let you make love to me, so it was in your interest to save that gem for after the seduction?’ Was this jealousy, she wondered, privately ashamed of how dramatic her response was.
‘No,’ he groaned.
‘Then, do you have plans to renege on any commitment you may have made to this woman?’
He hadn’t yet mentioned any promise and yet she was leaping to her own conclusions; the challenge was out before she could rein it in. Now it hung like a noose at the gallows, full of fearful and lonely misery. Did she really expect him to answer such an enormous question here and now? And to what end? It wasn’t as though she were free to elope with him.
Alex watched Harry blink, presumably at how carelessly she referred to Bethany and undoubtedly at how acid she sounded. It occurred to her that Minerva Frobisher could be rightly proud of her daughter today; she was demonstrating all those shrewish qualities of her mother that she despised and believed she’d been spared. Or was she quite simply making herself look a fool because of the deeply felt envy? It hurt more than she could imagine a non-physical injury could pain. It was so unexpected and yet it passed through her like a barbed arrow, its jagged edges tipped with poison. She could feel the contamination of it, accelerating through her veins with each heartbeat. She couldn’t be still so she busied herself dressing.
He was talking again, to her back now as she pulled on garments. He sounded broken. ‘Please let me explain. Bethany was engaged to my elder brother. Edward was everything I’m not.’
‘And what does that mean?’ she demanded, as she pulled on her blouse, regretting that she’d chosen this one that buttoned at the back. She reached behind but before she could begin, Harry was close and she felt his fingers fussing with the buttons instead. She didn’t stop him but her body was rigid at him being close enough that she could feel the warmth of his body.
‘I’m like an old red claret to his sparkling champagne,’ Harry admitted. She waited, bending her head and pulling aside her hair. ‘Ed was fun, happy, always cheerful, never broody, loved family and our firm. He was the perfect son, the ideal heir, the best brother.’
‘And Edward died?’ She spoke the presumption aloud, stepping away as she felt the final button slip into place. She didn’t trust herself not to want to pull him close in sympathy so as she turned she straightened her clothes, looked for her boots.
Again he cleared his throat softly of a blockage that she realised was his ever-controlled emotion bubbling up. ‘Yes. He was a special fellow, one of the first to go to war in 1914, and he gave his life in early 1915. His body is yet to be found and before you ask, I suppose it is one of the reasons I put my hand up to be part of the force that retrieved the fallen. I always hoped and yet feared that one day I’d unearth Ed.’
‘Oh, Harry,’ she murmured, her tone changing again to one heavy with sympathy as she reached to squeeze his arm. It was no use; she couldn’t even pretend to hate him, even though he was causing her agony right now.
He met her gaze and covered her hand with his own. Harry continued; clearly a gate had been opened that had been bolted firmly for years. ‘We were one of countless families grieving but Bethany was inconsolable because losing Ed had effectively ripped away her life, her dreams, her future.’
Alex frowned in a sense of shock; she hadn’t seen this coming and yet somewhere deep down she’d surely known it. A man like Harry hardly went unnoticed, unclaimed, unloved. She walked to the window and leaned against its frame, hoping to make some sense of the news and how it affected her and whatever decisions came next. It didn’t matter what she chose to do, though. Alex was sure she would feel the caress of his lips against her skin for the rest of the day and no doubt a yearning to feel that kiss for years to come. She swallowed, shame trilling through her as she thought of her parents and how she was letting them down simply allowing her needy behaviour to overcome her perspective.
This was going to be her punishment, then; she would forever regret his touch and yet long for it for the rest of her life.
‘And?’ she prompted, desperate to move away from her guilt.
‘It seemed the right thing to do.’
‘What was right? Wait! Harry, do you mean you’re married?’
‘I am not married,’ he repeated, firmly this time.
‘Then what?’ She could hear the exasperation in her voice to cover the simmering hurt and yes, even anger, at the realisation that she never did have Harry. Her tiny daydream was only ever an affair for him.
‘I am supposed to marry her. We’d agreed if and when I returned from the war. And then I put my hand up for the extra duties. Still she remained patient.’
Alex didn’t realise she’d balled a fist.
‘Be careful,’ he murmured, at her side within a stride, clasping her fist in his larger hand. He must have thought she was going to break the windowpane with a wayward punch of anger or perhaps break her fingers if she connected with the wall. She would never have attempted either but the caution was lost in her scrambling thoughts of jealousy about the loss of someone she knew she never possessed.
Do you ever possess someone anyway? The useless and unhelpful notion echoed around her mind.
They stood motionless in the suddenly frigid atmosphere of the room, staring down a garden path that turned a corner leading out of sight. It felt symbolic of the juncture she found herself at.
‘When were you going to tell me?’
‘Never,’ he admitted. ‘I was going to kiss you farewell today – if I was lucky enough to get that close – and I planned to go home, do the right thing for Bethany with her winter wedding on Valentine’s Day, and our two paths would not cross again.’
‘Just like that?’ She sounded incredulous while she was certain he sounded callous.
‘It seemed kinder. You are married and I’m about to be. What we shared these last few days was private – dare I say, rarefied – as though it doesn’t belong in anyone else’s life but the filmy, unworldly hours since I met you. Even though there was no reason for us to meet I’m going to convince myself that spiritual forces pushed us together and now they’re pulling us back into our real lives.’
‘That all sounds subtle and otherworldly, Harry, but you let me fall in love with you anyway,’ she snappe
d.
Harry managed to somehow look wounded and awed at the same time. It only intensified her helpless yearning to be wrapped in his arms. And yet what a ridiculous notion that seemed now.
‘Is that how you feel?’
‘Of course it is! Do you think I’d risk so much just for an affair, a silly crush, a brief liaison?’
‘Frankly, that’s exactly how I saw it for you. You are married, bored, desperate for affection! So . . . how do you see this unfolding?’
‘Harry, do you love me?’
‘From the moment I saw you tuck this same wayward curl of hair behind your ear in the visitor office,’ he said, smiling sadly and reaching to gently twist the slippery kink around his finger.
‘Then —’
‘I can’t have you, though,’ he said, preventing her finishing her thought. ‘I cannot take you from him, nor would I. It would be wrong.’
‘But making love to his wife clandestinely sits comfortably with you?’
‘No,’ he said, hanging his head. ‘Not at all. But that’s a personal shame I’ll live with. I didn’t know we were coming to our private haven.’ He lifted a shoulder. ‘The most I allowed myself to believe was that we might steal some secret time to kiss on a lonely path.’
‘This is my fault?’ Her tone was lighter than it had been in the past few minutes.
‘Yes. No question. I am particularly helpless and easily led in your company.’ He risked a slight wryness as he said this and it helped. She let out a small sighing chuckle that was ringed with its own feeling of sorrow. ‘I was always going to be vulnerable around you, even before I knew you.’
‘My poor, brave soldier. You’re one of the heroes who survived the war.’
He squeezed her arms gently but firmly to make his point. ‘But not you. I won’t survive you easily. I will live with the injury of loving you from here on. And there I was thinking my sense of despair couldn’t sink any lower. Now I have a whole lifetime of regret to look forward to.’
He still spoke in that slightly dryish manner, half serious, half joking, which she knew was meant to ease the tension, yet beneath it he was hiding the pain that she shared.
‘You don’t love Bethany, please tell me that.’
‘I do not!’ He implored her with a searching gaze as much as the fast response. ‘I never have, Alex, other than as a sort of sister. But I have agreed to save her from the misery of her life that doesn’t carry the Blakeney stamp. She is a very decent girl.’ He looked away with such sorrow that she could only feel remorse for her behaviour. ‘And my mother adores her.’
Alex glanced at her watch, feeling lost for what to say, so she did the British thing of straightening her shoulders and changing the subject. ‘We’d better make a move.’
And like a good fellow Brit, he responded precisely how he needed to with a polite reply and acquiescence to her suggestion. ‘Yes, of course.’
‘Harry, let’s go into Harrogate. Perhaps cheer ourselves up a bit before you go. Shall we?’
He gave a crooked smile. ‘If we linger here in this place of passion, we’ll only become more miserable around each other. Tea in the trenches always helped somehow.’ He sighed. ‘We just have to find the courage to say goodbye and once we walk away, it will become easier.’
She didn’t believe him and knew he didn’t believe it himself, not for a second, but they both smiled and nodded.
20
Alex turned the ignition and the heater cranked up again. She eased the car away from the verge and Harry felt glad they hadn’t bogged in the damp or even slid on any vengeful ice still remaining. The heavy car purred forward and as they approached the bend ahead he was once again thrown into the frame of mind that one never knows what’s around the corner.
The woman he loved seemed to grasp where his mind was.
‘Who knows what’s ahead for us, Harry,’ she echoed his thoughts. ‘Don’t lose hope in life. We have peace in the world. That’s a start, isn’t it? Surely everything is easy after that?’ she appealed, desperately looking as though she wanted to believe it herself.
‘Indeed,’ he sighed. ‘Although the war kept me away from my responsibilities at home and I didn’t have to carry guilt. Now I have no more excuses and my duties loom large. I’ve been avoiding going back to Sussex but my family will only tolerate a few more days of me on this errand for a dead soldier. I lied and said Tom was a friend.’
She nodded. ‘Well, you’re not lying about what you’re trying to achieve for Tom and we will speak of him but first, Bethany. Tell me all of it.’
Harry leaned his head against the thick leather of his seat and sighed. ‘She’s been in love with me since we were children – all through school, even though I was packed off to boarding school in Hampshire, and all through our teenage years.’
‘Did your brother know?’
‘Yes. Everyone knew. And everyone knew I didn’t reciprocate those feelings. It was hard on her to watch me going out with other girls but to me Beth was a kid sister, a good friend. I was always kind to her but not in the way she wanted. In the end she settled for Ed, who was crazy for her. They were made for each other. Beth just couldn’t see that.’
‘She settled, is that what you’re saying?’
He threw her a reluctant look. ‘Beth grew up around us; she was an only child with a lacklustre family life and was desperate for the affection we provided just through the general hustle and bustle of our lives.’ He shook his head. ‘She was just . . . well, part of the scenery of my childhood. I couldn’t think of her in the way she wanted me to.’
‘But Ed could.’
He gusted a soft laugh. ‘Ed was the kindest of all of us. I can’t understand why she took so long to notice him.’
‘Can’t you?’ she asked sarcastically; to his knowledge he had never consciously counted his looks in his armoury.
‘He would have made her a dedicated husband.’
‘You know, Harry, I’m a firm believer that we can’t help whom we love. For most of us girls it’s not a neat and tidy list to tick off. It is for our parents, perhaps, especially in a family such as mine, where actually loving that partner is so far down the list you’d probably have to turn the page.’
He chuckled. ‘Likely true.’
Alex looked left and right and left again before she turned at a junction. ‘Ah, it’s a straight run now into the town.’ She paused. ‘There’s nothing easy to understand about why one person loves another. That Beth loved you all of her life is real. Her relationship with Ed would always have been how I am with Matthew . . .’
‘Grinning and bearing up?’
‘Well, that’s harsh but yes, that’s the truth. I’m not saying she is privately celebrating Ed’s passing but fate has stepped in, hasn’t it, to deliver to Beth her whole life’s dream? She didn’t make this happen but she’s sure as hell not going to let you go.’
He nodded. ‘That’s the sum of it. Now it’s my turn to grin and bear up.’
‘Don’t do it, Harry. I am living proof of what a waste of life it is – two lives – and if children are involved, then they too are surely going to be enmeshed in something that is false.’
‘I fear Beth would never recover.’
Alex gave a light scoffing sound. ‘Is it not having you, or is it losing connection with the family?’
‘It’s both.’
‘She will not have to relinquish your family friendship even if you walk away.’
‘You make it sound so easy.’
‘No, you are making it too complicated. You don’t love her, which means you’ll be a desperately bad husband; you’ll have affairs, you’ll not mean to but you’ll always treat her with a slight contempt that she forced you into this loveless situation and you’ll make her cry herself to sleep. Oh, you’ll be kind in your own way, perhaps even tender at times, certainly generous to her, but you’ll never be able to give her what she wants most, Harry . . . your love with all of your mind and a body that desi
res her. The marriage will have a schism from its first day – I know about this because I live it. You can at least prevent making the error I did.’
‘If you know all of this, why on earth —?’
‘Don’t. I have perspective now that I can pass on to you that I didn’t have the benefit of in 1915. Back then it was a means to an end. To be fair, Matthew has kept his side of the bargain. It’s I who falters as I realise I want so much more out of our lives than just material pleasures. Frankly, I would live in a cottage in the middle of nowhere if I could make my chocolates and come home to a man whose eyes light up at the sight of me. Not just any man . . . you! I could almost wish you’d never come hunting for Tom’s sweetheart because until I met you, falling in love was just this girl’s fantasy and I didn’t have to face that there was a genuine alternative and all of its resulting pain.’
‘Love is enough? Do you really believe that . . . I mean, about the cottage and the simple life?’
‘I believe it. That would be all I’d ever need from the marriage – trust, shared affections, laughter, a child or two born into love so they could always feel secure. Money just doesn’t rate against that.’
‘Unless you don’t have it.’
She cut him a glance, unsure of his meaning. ‘Are you saying —’
‘I’m saying it’s easier to be philosophical about marriage when money isn’t a factor. You’re in a privileged position but others can’t be quite so dismissive of the allure of material wealth. I wonder how you’d get on in that cottage of yours with no running water or electricity that you now perhaps take for granted, having to heave coal or wood around to warm yourself, washing your clothes in a basin of freezing water, eating only what you can grow rather than what you feel like, having the choice of two or three outfits – one of them kept for Sunday best – worrying about how to clothe, warm and feed your children through a harsh winter.’
Alex swallowed, surprised by his attack but feeling appropriately admonished. ‘I . . . I’m sorry, I —’
The Chocolate Tin Page 27
