by Jeff Kinney
way OUT was to go all the way through
the mines to the other SIDE.
After walking in the dark tunnels for a
long time Roland and the team reached
a giant underground lake. At first they
thought they were totally STUCK because
half of them couldn’t SWIM.
But the lake was only a few feet deep so
they waded through it. And when they
got to the other side they were totally
covered in GIANT LEECHES.
118
Roland was pretty freaked out because
once when he went to summer camp he
got a leech on an embarrassing place and
his mom had to come and bring him home
two days early.
Luckily it wasn’t that big of a problem
this time because the One-Eyed Wizard
shriveled up all the leeches by zapping
them with his wand.
But all that zapping made a lot of noise
and now the team had a NEW problem
because they were totally surrounded by
creatures with GIANT EYES.
Everyone relaxed when the creatures
came into the light and it turned out they
were just DWARVES.
120
But the dwarves were MAD. They thought
Roland’s team was there to steal their
JEWELS. So Roland and his friends hopped
in mine carts to get away.
Then all of a sudden the tracks ENDED
and Roland and his friends went flying
through the darkness. Then they busted
out of a WALL and landed on the ground
outside.
121
The dwarves’ eyes weren’t used to the
sunlight so they stayed back in the dark
mines and yelled rude names and swears
at Roland and his friends.
But Roland told his team to IGNORE the
dwarves because they were just being
BULLIES and bullies only want to get a
REACTION.
And everyone agreed that was good
advice.
ef
122
Greg wasn't crazy about the anti-bullying
message but he LOVED the mine cart
scene. He said we could make it into
an awesome theme park ride and sell
souvenir photos for thirty dollars a pop.
Greg said the only problem with the story
NOW was that it wasn't FUNNY enough.
He said every good story needs lots of
laughs and so far this one has zero.
I said maybe I could add some knock-
knock jokes in the next chapter but Greg
said knock-knock jokes are the lowest
form of comedy.
123
I said people ALWAYS laugh at my knock-
knock jokes and he said they're just
being POLITE.
So I said well then what DO people think
is funny? And Greg said body humor like
farts and burps and stuff. But that
stuff isn't funny to ME.
One of the rules in my house is that you
can't say "fart," you need to say "pass gas."
And another rule is that you're not allowed
to pass gas in the kitchen during meals.
124
Greg said if you're gonna write a book
you HAVE to put in gross stuff or kids
won't BUY it. And he said if we were
REALLY smart we'd put something
gross on the COVER.
Then Greg said he had an even BETTER
IDEA. He said that nowadays a lot of
books come with extra stuff like sticker
sheets and mini-posters.
125
So he said we could make a sticker sheet
with a bunch of gross things on it so
kids could add their OWN body humor
wherever they WANTED.
126
Greg said we should throw in a lot of
SLAPSTICK humor because kids love
that kind of stuff too.
Then he told me this idea where the team
pulls a prank on the One-Eyed Wizard by
throwing his eye up on a wall. But that
kind of sounded like BULLYING to ME.
127
Greg told me the OTHER thing the story
is missing is ROMANCE. He said EVERY
good book has some kind of love story in
it so we'd better add one to OURS.
He said a good couple would be Garg
and Shae'Vana because the elf would like
Garg's MUSCLES.
And I said maybe Shae'Vana would like
ROLAND because he's sensitive and has a
shy smile.
128
But Greg said Roland's too busy practicing
his flute to be interested in girls so we
should just go with Garg.
I said maybe we don't HAVE to put a
romance in the story because it's OK
for boys and girls to be FRIENDS. But
then Greg said a BETTER idea would be
to make Roland and Garg FIGHT over
Shae'Vana.
Well I don't think it's good for two
friends to fight over a girl so if there's
gonna be a romance it'll have to be with
someone NEW.
CHAPTER 10
130
After a whole day of adventures everyone
was pretty tired. Nobody wanted to camp
outside that night because they were
worried some monster would come along
and gobble them up while they were
sleeping.
The One-Eyed Wizard said he heard about
an old castle nearby that nobody lived in
and maybe they could sleep THERE.
Everybody thought that sounded like a
good idea except Roland who thought it
actually sounded a little SCARY.
131
But it turned out the castle wasn’t
abandoned after ALL. There was a light on
in the highest tower and everyone agreed
that someone should INVESTIGATE.
Shae’Vana volunteered and Roland
decided he would go WITH her. And when
they got to the base of the highest tower
Shae’Vana tied a rope to an arrow and
shot it up at the windowsill.
132
Shae’Vana climbed up the rope and Roland
climbed AFTER her. And for the first time
Roland noticed that she smelled like rose
petals after a spring rain shower.
He thought maybe Shae’Vana used the
same perfume as his MOM and was about
to ask her. But by then they were already
at the window.
Roland and Shae’Vana had to squeeze
close together so they could both look
through the opening. And that made
Roland feel all warm inside.
133
But Shae’Vana didn’t seem to notice
because she was too focused on what was
in the ROOM.
There was a teenager sitting on a bed
and at first Roland thought it was just
a person with pointy teeth. But then he
realized this guy was a VAMPIRE.
Roland was about to tell Shae’Vana they
both needed to get OUT of there but she
had already climbed over the windowsill
and into the room. And even though
Roland thought this was a bad idea he
FOLLOWED her.
&n
bsp; 134
The vampire barely even looked up at
Shae’Vana and Roland. But when he
finally noticed them he said they were his
first visitors in three hundred YEARS.
The vampire said his name was Christoph
and he got bitten by a vampire bat when
he was a teenager. And after that everyone
he loved got older and died but his curse
was to stay the same age forever.
Christoph said after his parents passed
away he locked himself in this tower so
he would never bite a living soul.
135
He said he planned to stay in the tower
FOREVER. And Roland thought that
sounded like a GREAT plan.
When Christoph finally finished his story,
Shae’Vana asked him if he wanted to
come WITH them on their quest. And
before Roland could say anything the
vampire was already packing his things
for the trip.
Roland really wished Shae’Vana had
asked if it was OK to bring this guy along
BEFORE inviting him because Roland was
kind of the team leader. But he was a nice
guy so he didn’t say anything.
136
The three of them climbed down the rope
and Shae’Vana introduced Christoph to
the whole team. And then the vampire
said there was one thing he should mention
before they got going.
He said he could only travel at NIGHT
because vampires get turned to ash if
they’re exposed to SUNLIGHT.
But Shae’Vana said that wouldn’t be a
problem because they could just sleep
during the DAY and travel after dark.
And everyone was OK with that.*
Except Roland
*
ef
137
Greg said the vampire thing was GREAT
because teenagers love supernatural
romance stories and we needed to age
the story up ANYWAY.
He said girls would fall in love with the
vampire but guys would wanna BE him.
And he said he already had ideas for
personal fragrances and stuff like that.
138
I said maybe Roland could have his own
fragrance TOO. But Greg said the
vampire is a BAD boy and Roland is a
GOOD boy so it's just not the same.
Greg really liked the "curse" idea but the
truth is I got that one from HIM.
A few weeks ago Greg got mad at me
for not sharing my bubble gum and he
said he was gonna put a hex on me. And
he said that anything BAD that happened
from that point on was because of his
CURSE.
So I told Greg's mom what he did and she
made him REVERSE his curse.
139
But a few days later I stubbed my toe
on a curb so I'm pretty sure Greg only
PRETENDED to reverse the hex.
Anyway Greg said that right now was
the perfect time to shake the story up
with a big PLOT TWIST. Well I thought
the vampire WAS the plot twist so now
I've gotta come up with something even
BETTER.
CHAPTER 11
141
The team traveled at night and slept all
day and everybody’s sleep schedules were
totally screwed up just so this vampire
guy could go WITH them. And he didn’t
really ADD anything to the team unless
you want to give him bonus points for not
BITING anyone.
Roland told everyone they should all
keep their hands free so they could get to
their weapons if they got ambushed. But
Shae’Vana and the vampire pretty much
ignored him.
One night the moon peeked out from
behind a cloud and the vampire started
acting all CRAZY.
Then he transformed into a WEREWOLF
right before their eyes.
143
Lefty had to hold the werewolf down so
he didn’t HURT anyone. And when the
moon disappeared behind another cloud
the werewolf turned back into a vampire.
Then Christoph told everyone the story of
how he BECAME a werewolf.
So it turned out this guy had a DOUBLE
curse. And that just seemed to make
Shae’Vana like him even MORE.
144
Christoph said that as long as the moon
was full he had to be inside or this would
keep happening. So that meant now they
couldn’t travel at night OR during the day.
And that was really annoying to Roland
because he had already kept his mom
waiting for long ENOUGH.
Roland took Shae’Vana aside and asked if
maybe they should leave this guy behind
because of the whole werewolf thing. But
she said “this guy” had a NAME and his
name was CHRISTOPH.
Then the One-Eyed Wizard said he knew
a way to BREAK the vampire’s double
curse.
145
He said a ruby in the White Warlock’s staff
had the power to REVERSE magic spells,
so if they could steal it they could turn
Christoph back into a regular PERSON.
Roland reminded everyone the whole
point of the mission was to rescue his
MOM and if the vampire got cured then
that was just a nice BONUS. But nobody
listened to him because all anybody
