His departure sucks all the oxygen out of this room. Breathing is limited. Talking to my mom impossible.
“Seth?” My mother’s voice is gentle but firm against my troubled conscious. “You’re making a mistake. One I think you’ll regret for the rest of your life.”
“I know, Mom. But what else can I do? He doesn’t want what I want. He’s content to—”
“Nothing about the man that just cried in my arms is content. He just needs to see a different path. We are all nothing more than the culmination of our life experiences. What little I know about his life, there is no reason he should think things will work out.” The truth of her words ricochets from my head to my heart, finally imbedding itself in my soul.
“Stay in Vegas. Work this thing out.”
“If I stay, if I agree to be his dirty little secret, that’s all I’ll ever be. I have to go and hope that sooner rather than later he’ll figure it out. When he does, he’ll come find me.”
Adam
The French doors to my beachfront hotel room stand open. The salty ocean air breezes through the space, blowing the curtains, ruffling the heavy starched linen suit I’m wearing. The waves crash and retreat in a steady cadence that almost calms my erratic heartbeat . . . almost.
I palm my cell phone, flipping the device over in my hand.
“Fuck it.”
I dial Seth’s number for the first time in almost a year. After leaving the hospital he told Sin he needed to take a little break from the band to recover. I’m not sure if he meant from me or the injuries he sustained, but he’s been gone for almost a year. A whole fucking year.
I didn’t reach out earlier because what was I going say? “Hey, I know I told you everything in my life was more important than my relationship with you. You know, the secret one I wouldn’t let you tell anyone about. After the way shit went down, I realize how messed up that was and you’re more important than my friends, and my career, and this fucking secret I’m so tired of holding.”
You don’t say that shit over the phone. I owe it to Seth, and myself, to look him in the eye and ask his forgiveness. I thought Sin and Jake’s wedding would be the perfect time to do that, but he hasn’t shown up yet.
The ring coming through the speaker is computerized and broken. My coverage has been questionable since arriving in Mexico. Los Cabos is beautiful but it’s not the most technologically advanced region of the country.
Pick up the phone, babe.
The ringing stops and I think my heart stops with it until I hear his gruff voice asking me to leave a message.
“Ah . . . hey, it’s me . . . Adam.” I let out a nervous laugh. “You probably already know that. I’m in Los Cabos and I just thought that maybe you’d be here, and we could maybe talk or something. I . . . I hope you’re . . . good—great even. I hope everything is great. Hit me up when you get a chance.”
I click the button to end the call and any hope I held to see him this weekend. That aching loneliness that’s been slowly eating me alive since I walked out of his hospital room takes an even bigger bite.
My phone vibrates in my hand. I didn’t even realize I was still holding it.
“What?” I snap.
“Where in the fuck are you?” Jake growls with just as much bite as mine.
“I’m still at the hotel. We don’t have to be there for another thirty minutes.”
He blows into the phone. “Sin locked herself in the bridal suite, and she won’t let me see her. She’s crying, man. I can hear her crying through the door, and she won’t . . . she won’t let me in. I think she might be getting cold feet.” Real fear seeps into his voice, making it crack.
I’ve known Sin since we were thirteen years old, and never once in all that time have I ever seen a man consume her the way Jake does. Even when he wasn’t there, he influenced her choices and invaded her creativity. Sin has always said I was her mirror, her healing soul mate. The one sent to challenge her and make her better, but Jake is her other half, her twin flame. She said the minute she laid eyes on him the attraction was undeniable and intense, like she’d known him her entire life and was just waiting for his return. She doesn’t have cold feet.
I don’t know what it is going on, but I know for sure it isn’t that.
“I’ll be there in a few.” I hang up the phone before he says anything else. I leave my room, stopping at the front desk to get an attendant to drive me up to the chapel in one of those little golf carts. The trip takes nine minutes flat, and I’m out of the cart, jogging up the never-ending steps to an ancient white chapel located on top of a hill in the Mexican Riviera.
I can’t believe she’s finally doing it. Sin is getting married and I can’t help feeling a tinge of sadness. Today marks the end of an era, and I don’t know how the new rendition of us will play out.
I pull open the heavy wooden door to find the intimate space glowing with candles of all different sizes encased in colored glass jars. Jake is at the front of the church pacing back and forth next to his best man, Connor. He catches my eye as soon as I step through the doors and takes a step in my direction, but Connor pats his shoulder to stop him and comes forward, close enough that no one can hear his whisper.
“He’s freaking the fuck out. Please get back there and figure out what’s going on. I think Jake might be a second from breaching the goddamn door,” he says with nonchalance, but I see worry in the tightness around his mouth.
“Where is the bridal suite?”
“Down the hallway and to the left.” He points behind me.
I walk down a short hallway to a room with a sign hanging on the door that reads novia. I gently knock.
“Sin, you okay in there?”
She opens the door and pulls me inside. Her eyes are filled with tears. Shit. I swear to God if he fucked up again, he can catch fade right here in this historic church overlooking the picturesque Mexican Riviera.
It took a while for it to sink in they were a couple after all the fucking drama. I was still skeptical even when he gave up everything to follow Sin. He walked away from his job and the prestige that comes with having the last name Johnson in a city where that name literally paved the streets. I became a believer when that man looked his own mother in the eye and told her he was choosing Sin. A man who is willing to give up his family and livelihood to follow the woman he loves around the world is good in my book.
I wasn’t sure if they were going to make it. When our yearlong residency ended, Sin walked away. It broke her heart, but she knew that a long-distance relationship didn’t work for them, and when we released a new album our touring schedule was gnarly. It had us zigzagging the globe in a matter of months. One day we’d wake up in London and a couple of days later we’d have to be in Argentina.
And Jake did it with us.
When he met us on tour, I was willing to bet my favorite guitar he wouldn’t last a week. It was painful to watch Sin stressing over the next time he’d walk out the door. He proved us all wrong. Every time he showed up it erased one of his past transgressions until the past no longer colored their future.
Sin in love is a woman at her best. After years of having just enough, she deserves that. In my mind the guy pacing back and forth at the altar is as good as it gets or, at least, that’s what I believed before I walked in this room and found my best friend in shambles.
“I can’t get my dress on. It won’t fit.”
“That’s all? You’re having an issue with your dress?” I ask with a relieved sigh. What in the fuck am I supposed to do with that? I don’t sew.
“Do you want me to get Jeanine or—”
She grabs one of my hands in hers and drags me over to the mirror.
“I’m going to hold it together, and you have to pull the zipper. Kay?” she pleads, her wet eyes meeting mine in the mirror.
We try for the next several minutes, but the zipper doesn’t budge past the middle of her back.
“Let me go get one of the girls,” I say, but s
he shakes her head.
“I wanted today to be perfect, you know. But I get swollen ankles and achy boobs as the sugar on top of my pregnancy cake.”
“Did you just say—”
“Pregnant? Yeah, I did. Surprise, you’re going to be an uncle.” She looks up at me, her smile radiant even through her tear-streaked face.
“Does Jake know?” I ask, stammering through the shock. I know it’s a stupid question. Why would he not know?
She nods. “He thinks we’re having twins because I’m getting so big, so fast.”
I wrap her in a tight hug and wipe the tears from her face.
“When are you due?”
“In five months. I found out as soon as we got back. Jake thought I was, but . . .” She lets the sentence trail off.
There is a part of me that wants her words. Sin has been my best friend, my creative partner, my confidante, and most importantly my family for a lot longer than she’s been Jake’s anything. I’ve held her secrets and nurtured her dreams but it’s different now. Jake gets all the things that used to be mine. He’s the first person she looks for in a crowd. The one she seeks out and turns to with news or disappointments. Sometimes I feel like he’s pushing me out of her life, and it’s hard.
She found happiness and she fought to keep it. I don’t know what that feels like. The only people I’ve ever cared about are moving on with their lives, making families, buying houses. Checking off all the boxes, and I’m out here drifting.
After the yearlong residency in Vegas, Sin City immediately jumped into the international leg of a tour in support of our new album. Touring is erratic and not the best option for a young child who needs stability. So, Regina and I worked out a custody agreement where she has primary custody and when my schedule allows, meaning I have more than one or two days in the same place, I either fly Tori and Regina out, or head home.
At first, I wanted to balk at the idea of sharing custody. I wanted to be everything for Tori that my mother couldn’t or wouldn’t be for me. But I’m not a father, let alone her father. Stepping into those shoes wasn’t just hard, it felt rushed and unnatural like I was forcing it. In a way I guess I was. It’s what I do. What I’ve always done, but moving mountains by sheer force of will isn’t getting things done in my life anymore. I’m starting to realize that sometimes I need a little finesse.
It took having Tori to make me realize I don’t have to be everything for everyone. Tori is happy having a brother. One that calls her every day via Skype just to watch the next episode of “My Little Pony” and gets her kick-ass T-shirts with rappers on the front. She was never looking for me to replace our mom or her dad. She was just looking for family and that’s something I can do.
“Say something,” she demands.
“Congrats, Sin. Seriously. You’re going to make an awesome mom.”
“Really? You think so? I’m terrified.”
“That’s probably why you’ll be best,” I say, kissing her wet cheek. “Now tell me what we need to do for this dress. Because your future husband thinks you’re back here trying to escape.”
She wipes her fingertips under her eyes. “Oh no.”
“Oh yes,” I say, mimicking her tone. “I got the ‘where in the fuck are you when Sin needs you’ phone call.”
“I’m so sorry,” she whispers. I’m not. I like that there are some situations only I can handle. Yes, I know it’s selfish, but when I had nothing and no one I had her, we had each other, and I’m not ready to let that go. Not yet. “I’m just super emotional right now, and I don’t want him to remember me on our wedding day with puffy eyes and a snotty nose.”
“So, how do we fix this?”
Adam
It takes several tries and every single one of the thirty minutes we have left, but I finally rig the damn dress with safety pins and prayers. When she faces the mirror, we both stop because she’s . . . beautiful.
The blush-colored gown accented with pink and gold beading is fitted to her tiny frame. Her hair is swept off her neck in some fancy, twisty thing. She reapplied mascara and shimmery pink lip gloss, but she doesn’t need it. She’s glowing with happiness.
“What do you think?” She gazes at me in the mirror.
I meet her gaze unblinking and place my hands on her shoulders. “You’ve never been more beautiful.”
“Really? You think Jake will like it?” She runs self-conscious hands over her fuller hips and belly. “I feel like a sausage.”
“But you look like a queen.”
Her laugh brings out my own. “That was so corny.”
“It worked though, right? When I walked in here you were crying and now look at you. You ready to do this?” I say the words that I’ve said so many times before. I said them when we ran away from the group home, and when we auditioned for casino after casino. I’ve said them every time we’ve stepped foot on a stage. It only seems fitting to ask it now.
She nods and I watch her eyes fill again with tears. It’s only when she becomes blurry, I realize my eyes are wet too.
“Absolutely,” she whispers, reaching up to place her hands over mine. Squeezing, she says, “Blood.”
“Don’t make family,” we say together.
This is a new version of us. One that we’ll have to navigate, but it doesn’t change who we are and what we’ve always been to each other. She’s my family.
I clear my throat and offer her my elbow. “Let’s get you married.”
“Absolutely.” Her hand wraps in the curve of my arm and we leave the bridal suite, stopping just before we’re visible. I leave Sin in the shadows and step forward to search out Connor. He’s leaning against the side of a pew, his eyes trained on the hallway. He scrutinizes my features when I come into view. I give him a thumbs-up and, even from here, I see his sigh of relief.
He taps Jake on the shoulder and leans to whisper something in his ear. Jake immediately stands at attention, his shoulders squared, searching the space behind me. I give him one hard nod.
“Thank you,” he mouths, giving the signal to start the music. He and Connor take their places at the altar as the minister moves into place.
The classic guitarist Sin hired begins to play a cultural song I’ve never heard, but the melody is moving. A reverent ode to this moment. The audience stands facing the aisle. I walk the few steps back to Sin, once again wrapping her arm in the crook of my elbow.
In unison we take the next several steps, finally ending at the top of the aisle. Jake steps forward, a large smile splitting his face, he clasps both sides of her face, his forehead dropping to hers.
“Me and you, baby. Remember that.” A single tear slips down Sin’s cheek when she nods. Jake brushes the drop away with his thumb and says again with more force, “Me and you, always.” He takes her lips in a gentle kiss.
“It looks like Sin-a-sticks can’t wait until after she says I do,” Dan calls from the first pew. Once again, his ridiculousness somehow breaks the tension I wasn’t even aware was there until all of the attendees collectively let out a sigh of relief.
Sin and Jake break apart on a laugh.
I take my place next to Sin, half listening to the officiant beginning the ceremony and asking in his heavily accented English, “Do you, Sinclair, take Jacob to be your husband. To have and to hold from this day forward . . .”
I glance out at the forty or so faces filling the pews, quickly stopping on each one until I look into the prettiest brown eyes I’ve ever seen. Eyes I know up close are more copper than sherry. Eyes that stare me down with hurt and longing. That look makes the breath catch in my throat.
Seth holds my gaze, as his eyes ravish my face and body in a sexy stare-down that burns every nerve ending. He hasn’t moved, but he doesn’t have to. His eyes on mine is enough to make my heart beat faster, for my breath to hitch.
“And now you may now kiss your bride.” The minister’s quip breaks our connection. My eyes move back to the happy couple in time to see Jake’s arms encircle
Sin’s waist. He lifts her up until he has to tilt his head back to look up at her. Her arms wrap around his neck and this time she leans in to kiss him.
The audience erupts in applause.
Jake sets her gently on the ground and laces his fingers with hers, holding their joined hands up in the air between them. He brings her knuckles to his lips for a quick kiss before walking down the aisle. Connor and I follow the happy couple, but I can’t help seeking out Seth again.
He purposefully avoids my gaze as I get closer and eventually pass him.
Did I just imagine the last couple of minutes? It felt like we had a moment or maybe a breakthrough.
I stop long enough for Connor to turn his curious eyes over his shoulder. I take long strides until we are once again shoulder to shoulder and follow the couple out of the chapel. Sin and Jake are already being posed by the photographer at the top of the ancient stairs. I didn’t notice the colorful candles lining the stone steps on my way in, but everything about the location and décor promises romance and intimate connection.
Maybe that’ll extend past the bride and groom. Maybe with enough luck I can create a little magic of my own.
Seth
“I wasn’t sure that you were going to show,” Aiden says with a pat on my shoulder. I wasn’t sure either until the wheels hit the tarmac and I checked into the hotel. My plan was to get in. Pay my respects to the happy couple and get out before Adam really had a chance to corner me.
I’ve received the messages. I’ve heard his sorry messages. And I meant what I said when I told him he has nothing to be sorry for, this—us, is as much my fault as it is his.
I should’ve walked away long before I got attached.
It should’ve stopped at that first time back in Brazil, but it wasn’t enough. It’s been a year and I still crave the times he let me get a glimpse behind that wall he’s erected between himself and the rest of the world.
Exquisitely Hidden: A Sin City Tale Page 20
