by Jeff Kinney
[Image: A cartoon of a woman looking out of the window and a child hidden under the table.] "Poor Gregory, all alone in the show oh, boo hoo hoo."
I thought it was pretty funny, and I probably would've stayed hidden under there for a little while more. But Mom finally got me to crack when she said she was gonna give my gum-ball machine to Rodrick.
58
So if you want to point fingers on the Invisible Chirag joke, now you know who's really to blame.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy crying and running towards his mother wanting to be hugged.]
Thursday
Well, yesterday, Chirag pretty much gave up on trying to get anyone in our class to talk to him. But today he found our weakness.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy talking to his friends.] "Rowley do you think I exist?
Nope! I can't even hear you or see you or see you!"
59
I forgot ALL about Rowley. When the joke first started up, I made sure to keep him away from Chirag, because I had a feeling Rowley would blow the joke.
But I guess I kind of got too cocky and let my guard down.
Chirag started working on Rowley at lunch, and he came really close to getting him to crack.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy offering corn to his friends.] "If you say I exist, this corn dog is yours!"
I could tell Rowley was about to say something, so I had to act quick. I told everyone there was a floating corn dog hovering above our lunch table, and then I plucked it out of the air and ate it in two bites.
60
So thanks to my quick thinking, we were able to keep the joke going.
[Image: A cartoon of boys teasing their friend .] "(Gobble, smack.) not as good as the regular kind, though."
But that REALLY made Chirag mad. He started punching my arm, but of course I had to pretend like I didn't notice.
And let me tell you, that wasn't easy to do. Chirag might be small, but that kid can really punch.
[Image: A cartoon of four boys having fun.] "Is there a flea breathing on me? Because it feels like a tiny little flea is breathing on me."
61
Friday
Well, I guess Chirag must have complained to a teacher about my little joke, because today I got called down to the front office.
When I got to Vice Principal Roy's room, he was pretty mad. He knew all about how I started the joke, and he gave me a speech about "respect" and "decency" and all that.
But luckily, Mr. Roy got one crucial fact wrong, and that was the identity of the person we were playing the joke on. So that made the apology part a whole lot easier.
[Image: A cartoon of a teacher looking at a boy apologizing to another.] "I am deeply sorry, and now I do indeed admit that you exist, Sharif."
62
Mr. Roy seemed pretty satisfied with my apology, and he let me go without even tacking on any detention.
I've always heard that when Mr. Roy is done chewing a kid out, he sends them off with a pat on the back and a lollipop. And now I can tell you firsthand that it's true.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy looks at the other boy and a man standing in the doorway.]
Saturday
Rowley's birthday party is tomorrow, so Mom took me to the mall to get him a gift. I picked out this cool video game that just came out, and I handed it to Mom so she could pay for it. But Mom said I had to buy it with my OWN money.
63
I told Mom that first of all, I have zero money.
And second of all, if I DID have any money, I wouldn't be wasting it on ROWLEY.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy talking to his mother.]
Mom didn't seem too happy with what I said, but it's not MY fault I'm broke. I actually had a job this summer, but the people I worked for stiffed me, so I didn't earn a single penny.
We have these neighbors named the Fullers who live a few doors up, and they go away on vacation every summer.
They usually leave their dog, Princess, in the kennel, but this year, they told me they'd pay me five bucks a day to feed Princess and take her out. I figured I'd earn enough to buy a whole pile of video games with that kind of money.
64
But I guess Princess is gun-shy about going to the bathroom in front of strangers, so I ended up spending a lot of time standing around in the hot sun waiting for this dumb dog to hurry up and go.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy trying to pull the dog towards him.] "Come on!"
I'd wait and wait and nothing would happen, and then I'd just take Princess back inside.
But EVERY time I'd leave, Princess would make a big mess in the foyer, and I'd have to clean it up the next day. Toward the end of the summer I got smart and realized it would be a whole lot easier to just clean up all of Princess's messes at once instead of doing it every single day.
65
So I fed her and let her do her business on the foyer floor for about two weeks.
Then, the day before the Fullers were due back, I headed up the hill with all my cleaning supplies.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy whistling happily as he carries all his stuff in his hands.]
But guess what? The Fullers cut their trip short and got home a day EARLY.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy surprised as he looks at the couple inside the house.]
I guess they didn't know it's polite to call ahead and let people know when your plans have changed.
66
Tonight, Mom called a house meeting with me and Rodrick. She said that the two of us are always complaining that we don't have any money, so she came up with a way for us to earn some cash.
Then she pulled out some play money she must've dug up out of a board game, and she called the money "Mom Bucks." Mom said we could earn Mom Bucks by doing chores and good deeds and stuff like that, and we could trade them in for REAL money.
Mom handed us $1,000 each to get us started. I thought I had struck it rich. But then she explained that each Mom Buck was only worth a penny of REAL money.
[Image: A cartoon of a woman talking to two boys.]
Mom told us how we should save up our Mom Bucks, and if we were patient, we could buy something we really wanted.
67
But Rodrick cashed in his whole stash before Mom was even done talking.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy showing his money to his mother and brother.]
Then he went down to the convenience store and blew his money on some heavy-metal magazines.
If Rodrick wants to waste his money like that, he can go right ahead. But I'm gonna be smart with MY Mom Bucks.
Sunday
Today was Rowley's birthday party, and he had it at the mall. I'm sure I would have thought it was a lot of fun if I was about seven years old.
[Image: A cartoon of a Birthday Party.]
68
That was the average age of the kids at Rowley's party. Rowley invited his whole karate team, and most of those kids are still in elementary school. I just wish I would have known what the party was gonna be like so I could have skipped it.
We started off playing these dopey party games like Pin the Tail on the Donkey and stuff like that. The last game we played was Hide-and-Seek.
My plan was to just hide in the ball pit and stay there until the party was over. But some OTHER kid was already in there.
[Image: A cartoon of two boys playing in a ball pool.]
It turned out this kid wasn't from Rowley's party. He was from the LAST birthday party that happened an hour earlier.
69
I guess he must have hid in there during Hide-and-Seek, and nobody ever FOUND him.
So Rowley's party had to be put on hold while the staff tried to track down this kid's parents.
[Image: A cartoon of a woman talking on the phone as a child cries loudly in the birthday party.]
After that situation got cleared up, we had cake and watched Rowley open his gifts. He mostly got a bunch of kids' toys, but he seemed pretty happy about it.
[Image
: A cartoon of a man clicking pictures of the boy opening his birthday gift in the party.] "Yaaay!"
70
Then Rowley's parents gave him their present. And guess what? It was a DIARY.
It kind of ticked me off, because I knew Rowley asked his parents for a diary so he could be just like me. After Rowley opened his present he said:
[Image: A cartoon of two boya talking to each other.] "We can call ourselves the "Diary Twings"!"
I let him know exactly what I thought of that idea by slugging him in the arm. And I really don't care that it was his birthday, either.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy looking at the other one who is hurt.] "Owww..."
71
One thing I will say, though. I used to be mad at Mom for getting me a journal that looked too girly. But after seeing Rowley's diary, I'm not so mad anymore.
[Image: A Diary with 'Sweet Secrets Diary' written on the cover.] "Sweet Secrets Diary"
Lately, Rowley has been TOTALLY riding me. He reads the same comic books I read, drinks the same kind of soda I drink, you name it. Mom says I should be "flattered," but to be honest with you, it's totally creeping me out.
A couple days ago, I did an experiment to see just how far Rowley would go.
72
I rolled up one of my pant legs and tied a bandanna around my ankle and went to school that way.
Sure enough, the next day Rowley came to school wearing the same exact thing.
And that's how I ended up in Vice Principal Roy's office for the second time in a week.
[Image: A cartoon of a man, in the window, talking to the two boys outside.] "There are some thugs outside my house sporting "Gang Colors"."
Monday
I thought I was totally in the clear for the Invisible Chirag thing. But, boy, was I wrong.
73
Tonight, Mom got a call from Chirag's DAD. Mr. Gupta told Mom all about the prank we were playing on his son, and how I was the ringleader.
When Mom questioned me, I told her I didn't even know what Chirag's dad was talking about.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy talking to his mother.]
Then Mom marched me up to Rowley's house to hear what HE had to say.
Luckily, I was prepared for this kind of thing. I had already drilled Rowley on what to do if we ever got busted, and that if we both just denied everything, we'd be OK.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy talking to his friend.]
74
But the second Mom started asking Rowley questions, he broke down.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy and his mom in front of a house. The boy at the door is crying loudly.]
So after our visit to Rowley's house, Mom drove me over to Chirag's to apologize. And let me tell you, THAT wasn't a whole lot of fun.
[Image: A cartoon of two boys with their respective parents.]
Mr. Gupta didn't seem too impressed with my apology, but believe it or not, Chirag was actually pretty cool about it.
75
After I apologized, Chirag invited me inside to play video games. I think he was so relieved to finally have one of his classmates talking to him again that he just decided to forgive me for the whole incident.
[Image: A cartoon of Two children playing a video game on the T.V.]
So I guess I forgive him, too.
Tuesday
Even though Chirag let me off the hook last night, Mom wasn't done with me yet.
She wasn't really that mad about the joke or how I treated Chirag. She was just mad that I LIED about it.
So Mom told me she'll ground me for a MONTH if she catches me lying again.
76
And that means I better watch my step, because Mom's not gonna forget what she said. When it comes to my screwups, Mom has a memory like an elephant.
[Image: A cartoon of a mother scolding her son in the kitchen.] "That's the second time you tracked mud into the kitchen!"
(FIRST TIME: SIX YEARS AGO)
Last year Mom caught me lying, and I paid the price for it.
Mom made a gingerbread house a week before Christmas, and she put it on top of the refrigerator. She said nobody was allowed to touch it until Christmas Eve dinner.
77
[Image: A Gingerbread House.]
But I couldn't help myself. So every night, I'd sneak downstairs and pick off a little piece of the gingerbread house. I tried to only eat a tiny piece each time so Mom wouldn't notice.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy on a stool picking a gumdrop from the Gingerbread house on the fridge]
It was really hard to limit myself to one gumdrop or one little crumb of gingerbread each night, but I managed to do it anyway.
78
I didn't know how much I had actually eaten until Mom took it down off the fridge on Christmas Eve.
[Image: A cartoon of a family at dinner on Christmas eve. The mother is uncovering the gingerbread house.]
When Mom accused me of eating all the candy, I denied it. But I wish I just fessed up right away, because that fib totally backfired on me.
Mom had just gotten hired to write a parenting column for the local newspaper, and she was always looking for material. So that incident pretty much made me into a local celebrity.
[Image: A cutting of the mother's article. With her picture.] " When your child is being deceptive
Susan Heffley
The weeks leading up to Christmas can be source of stress for a child and can harbor unforeseen temptations. My son Gregory found that"
79
You know, now that I think about it, Mom isn't exactly squeaky clean when it comes to being honest HERSELF.
I remember when I was a kid, and she found out I wasn't brushing my teeth every night. She faked a call to the dentist's office. And that call is the reason why I still brush my teeth four times a day.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy listening to his mother who is talking on the phone.] "Dr. Kratz, do you have dentures for a little boys? Oh, only wooden ones? I guess that will have to do , then."
Friday
Well, it's been three days and I've kept my promise to Mom. I've been 100% honest the whole time, and believe it or not, it's not that hard.
80
In fact, it's kind of liberating. I've been in a couple of situations already where I was a lot more honest than I would have been a week ago.
For example, the other day I had a conversation with this neighborhood kid named Shawn Snella.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy talking to a child.] "When I grow up, I'm Gonna be a professional basketball player!
Think again, Shawn! Neither one of your parents is taller than five-foot-two and you're the only 200 pound six year -old I know!
[Image: A cartoon of a man and a crying child and a boy.] "Waaah!
I cannot tell a lie."
81
And yesterday, Rowley's family had a birthday party for his grandfather.
[Image: Cartoons of boys together at the table before cutting the cake.] "Next year, I want a chocolate cake!
That is if you're alive next year!
Hey, I'm just trying to be realistic!"
Most people don't seem to appreciate a person as honest as me. So don't ask me how George Washington ever got to be president.
82
Saturday
Today I answered the phone, and it was Mrs. Gillman from the PTA, looking for Mom. I tried to hand her the phone, but she whispered for me to tell Mrs. Gillman that she wasn't home.
I couldn't tell if Mom was trying to trick me into lying or WHAT, but there was no way I was going to break my honesty streak over something as dumb as THIS.
So I made Mom go out on the front porch before I said a word to Mrs. Gillman.
[Image: A cartoon of a lady waiting outside the door and a boy talking on the phone.] "My mother is not inside the house right now."
83
And from the look Mom gave me when she came back in the house, I kind of get the feeling she's not gonna hold me to th
at honesty pledge anymore.
Monday
Today was Career Day at school. They have Career Day every year to get us kids to start thinking about our future.
They brought in a bunch of adults who had all these different jobs. I think the idea is that us kids will find out about a job we like, and then we'll know what we want to be when we grow up.
But what REALLY happens is that you just find out which jobs to rule out.
[Image: A cartoon of a man teaching the children.] "And that's why I love being an electrical engineer!
Electrical Engineer Formulate Concept of Operations Write Plans and Procedures Integrate Plan and Procedure"
84
After the presentations, we had to fill out these questionnaires. The first question was, "Where do you see yourself in fifteen years?"
I know EXACTLY where I'll be in fifteen years: in my pool, at my mansion, counting my money. But there weren't any check boxes for THAT option.
[Image: A cartoon of four children enjoying in and near a pool.]
The questionnaires are supposed to predict what kind of job you're going to have when you grow up. When I was finished, I looked up my job on the chart, and I got "Clerk."
Well, there must be something wrong with the way they set these forms up or something, because I don't know any clerks who are billionaires.
85
Some other kids were unhappy with the jobs they ended up with, too. But the teacher said we shouldn't take these things too seriously.
