by Ciara Shayee
As Jaxson, Finley, and Arlo push through the gate, they spot a familiar, dark head of hair just as I do.
“Hey! It’s you guys!”
The little girl runs over, hair billowing in the breeze and cheeks rosy from the cold, but skids to a stop a few steps away. She’s just as sweet and shy as before we left, it seems.
“Hi, Marley,” Jaxson says, unexpectedly bashful.
“A friend of yours?” Kellan asks quietly as Marley’s mom guides her toddler son away from the roundabout toward us, a smile on her face and her boyfriend at her back. Even now, even after having known Indie Ashby for over a year before we moved back to Florida, I can’t help but admire the heck out of her.
Looking at her now, you’d never know what she’s been through.
“Sort of,” I admit, watching her pause to greet the boys. “Jax and Finn were a couple years below her daughter at school and they used to play together a lot, so we had a few after-school playdates. The big guy with her, that’s Laker, her boyfriend.” Biting my lip for a moment, I quickly add, “If she’s a bit wary of you, don’t be offended. She’s been through some stuff...sometimes she’s leery of strangers.”
“Long time, no see,” Indie laughs as she pulls me in for a hug, her boyfriend Laker lifting their son into his arms as he extends a hand to introduce himself to Kellan, who makes a conscious effort to be relaxed and soft-spoken. “How’ve you all been? It’s quiet around here without you guys.”
“It’s been…different,” I admit with a soft laugh of my own, eyeing Kellan fawning over little Bodhi. “Man, this little guy has grown! It’s only been six months. What have you been feeding him?”
“I eat l-lots of v-v-vegetables,” Bodhi tells me seriously, his adorable stutter as endearing as ever.
“You do? Well that’s great!”
Before we know it, we’ve talked ourselves into meeting up to go see Santa with them. It isn’t until we’re waving goodbye a little while later that I realize how much I actually missed my friend.
As promised, we do meet up with Laker, Indie, Marley, and Bodhi a couple of days later. Jude tags along, too, and we have a grand time in the elf photo booth before seeing ‘Santa.’ Predictably, Arlo and Jaxson are more than happy to clamber onto the old guy’s lap while Finley hangs back. Still, I manage to get a great photo of them before one of the overly chipper elves offers to take one with me and Kellan in it, too.
As ridiculous as we both feel, posing with an old guy dressed as Santa in what is effectively just a shed with some fake snow nailed to the roof and a few strings of fairy lights strung up inside, there’s nothing like the magic of seeing the boys’ faces light up as they recount the entire experience to us later on, inviting us into their world of imagination and belief like only kids can.
Day two is spent showing Kellan around the town the boys called ‘home’ for the first years of their lives. We huddle under blankets and eat ice cream on the pier, the seagulls swooping overhead and the sea rushing below our feet. The boys insist on showing Kellan their old school, so we walk by there and he humors them by listening intently as they point out their classrooms through the perimeter fence. For dinner, we fetch battered fish and thick, salt-and-vinegared fries—or chips, as the Brits call them—and eat it from the paper around Jude’s tiny kitchen table.
By day five in England, I’m starting to wonder if Kellan regrets coming with us. He’s engaged and playful with the boys, but with me, he seems…off. He’s intense, transferring all his nervous energy into me with every touch.
And on day six when we cross the halfway point in our vacation, Finley hesitantly bringing up his dad over breakfast, I fear Kellan’s hesitance will only worsen.
“Are we gonna see him?”
I wish I could tell him ‘yes.’ I wish I could say his dad has jumped at the chance to see him and his brothers now we’re so close.
I wish Dick fucking Holder could put his sons first for a change.
But wishes don’t always come true, and just like always, I’m the one who has to break their hearts.
Setting down my coffee, I crouch next to Finley and cup his sweet face. The saddest thing is, I can already tell he knows what I’m going to say. “I’m sorry, kiddo. I called him yesterday and he’s out of town until after we’re gone.” Gazing at Arlo and Jaxson, neither of them look surprised.
Blowing out a big breath, Finley shrugs and smiles weakly. “That’s okay. I figured we wouldn’t.”
As they sullenly tuck back into their breakfasts, I follow Kellan’s frown and lean against his chest, my arms sliding around his waist as I suck in a shuddery breath full of anger at Richard and sadness for my brave little boys.
“Is he really out of town?” Kellan whispers, too softly for the boys to hear.
Biting my lip, I shake my head slightly, tears burning my eyes. “He said he’s too busy. His girlfriend’s family is in town.”
Kellan’s quiet curse goes unnoticed by the boys, but not Jude. I catch her frown and mouth that we’ll talk later.
Thankfully, the boys perk back up when we remind them that we’re going to watch the Christmas tree lights get switched on tonight.
Bouncing in his seat, Arlo asks if that means he can wear his new sweater.
Mentally running through the clothes I packed for him, I frown. “I don’t know, kiddo. What new sweater?”
With weirdly wide eyes, Kellan quickly grabs Arlo from his seat. “I know the one he means. I’ll find it, don’t worry.”
After watching them rush out of the room, Jaxson and Finley hot on their heels, I turn to Jude. “Any idea what the heck that was all about?”
She looks just as confused as I feel. “I have no idea,” she says with a shrug. “They’re up to something, I bet.”
*
Finally, after what feels like a century of nagging and hurrying them along, Kellan and the boys rush down the stairs.
More than a little exasperated, I shoot Kellan the look the boys have dubbed the ‘Mom-brow.’
“Sorry, sorry,” he grins, planting a quick kiss on my lips as he, Jaxson, Finley, and Arlo hustle out onto the driveway. “We’re ready now.”
Eyeing the flushed tips of his ears and the glassy green of his eyes, I can’t help but be irritated that we’re running late so I can’t ask what’s got him looking so goofy.
Grabbing my hips to stop me before we step outside, he sighs and offers me a handsome grin complete with a slight head tilt that just wrecks me. “I love you.”
Bastard.
“I’m trying to be mad at you,” I point out half-heartedly, unable to stifle my smile when he just laughs and leads the way outside.
“I know, and that’s okay. You’re cute when you’re mad.”
“Uh oh, is Momma being a meanie?” Arlo asks as Kellan buckles him into his booster in the rental car. Jaxson and Finley get to ride way in the back, leaving me and Arlo in the middle and Kellan and Jude up front.
“She sure is. She’s telling me off,” he admits, shooting me a wink.
As I climb in beside Arlo, he shakes his head at me and raises his eyebrows. “Not cool, Momma.”
“All right, pipe down, you.”
The drive to the park doesn’t take long, but it takes a hot second to find a parking spot. Just as we swing into a space barely big enough for the SUV, Arlo reaches over to tap my arm.
“Look, Momma. This is your reward chart, ‘kay?”
“Uh, okay…” I laugh, leaning over a little to see better. He’s drawn three columns on the Etch A Sketch he found in the pocket of the seat in front of him. It looks just like the reward charts I have for him and his brothers back home.
In the column on the left, there’s a big cross.
“This is your first cross, okay? If you get two more crosses this week, you don’t get a treat.”
My little goofball is smug as hell. He huffs when all I can do is laugh.
“What did I get
that cross for, can I ask?”
“Well, duh, for being a meanie to Easy.”
“Oh, right, of course,” I nod, attempting to look serious. “Well, I’ll do my best not to get any more crosses, then. Can I ask what my treat will be?”
He thinks about it for a moment before shaking his head. “Nope. It’s a secret.”
With that out of the way and the car now parked half a mile away from where we actually need to be, we haul ass across Hampden Park. There are people everywhere, but it makes me grin when Kellan beats me to the punch, warning the boys to stay close and reaffirming his strengthening role as a father to our little trio.
It’s new and exciting and also a little nerve-wracking, but it’s beautiful to see.
I know Jude agrees when she loops her arm through mine. “Daddyhood looks great on him,” she whispers.
I couldn’t agree more.
The scent of popcorn and pretzels reaches us before we hit the main clearing, strings of multi-colored lights strung up all around the stalls. As is tradition, Jude gets the boys light-up reindeer ears and a pretzel each to nibble on while she, Kellan, and I nurse warm mulled wine from Styrofoam cups. Everywhere I look there are smiling faces, fluffy bobble hats, and twinkling lights. I’ve been coming here for the switching-on ceremony ever since I came to England almost a decade ago, only this time, I’m lucky enough to be here with not only my boys and Jude, but also the man I love.
“Can we get closer, Momma?” Jaxson asks around a big bite of his pretzel.
“Sure, kiddo.” Sticking together so nobody gets lost, we snag a prime spot right by the rope around the tree. We still have a few minutes until the mayor arrives, so I sip my mulled wine and revel in the warmth spreading through my body as I watch Kellan crouch to talk quietly with the boys.
He really is brilliant with them. The changes in him in the last six months are vast but I love him all the more for making them. He still attends his monthly sessions with Kendra and he still has a tendency to keep his feelings bottled up, but instead of sticking a cork in them, he waits until the boys are tucked up in bed and we have some time alone to work through whatever is bothering him.
Instead of shutting people out, he’s working on letting them in.
His strained relationship with his parents, particularly his mom, is mending, his unwillingness to share his life with others shifting to the degree that he now arranges to have friends over without my prompting. He even hosted a boys’ night with Dad, Sebastian, Sullivan, Brayden, Lucas, and Jones last month.
I’m so proud of him it makes my chest ache, so in love with him it sometimes steals my breath.
By some people’s standards, six months isn’t a long amount of time for a couple to date before becoming serious, but I don’t need somebody else’s predetermined schedule to tell me that Kellan is all I want, all I’ll ever want.
He’s not only good for me, he’s great for the boys, and he loves us all as much as we adore him. He’s the father figure they’ve never had, the positive male role model they can look up to.
In six months, a year, or ten, there will never be a man who fits our little family as perfectly.
“Look, here he comes!” Jude nudges me, redirecting the boys’ attention toward the mayor, who is now standing by the podium with the light switch. Too busy looking at Kellan still crouching with the boys, Arlo’s little arm around his neck, I miss most of what the mayor says.
It was a year ago next month that I decided to move myself and the boys to Florida.
I never in a million years would have predicted this back then. I never anticipated my high school crush returning full force. I never anticipated falling for Kellan and him falling for me in return. I couldn’t have dreamed up the beautiful bond he shares with the boys. It flourishes more and more every day, their love for each other something I wouldn’t have believed possible if someone had tried to tell me what awaited us in Jackson Bay.
I’m momentarily blinded by thousands of lights illuminating against the inky backdrop of the clear night sky. The crowd cheers but it’s muffled by my realization that this is just the first of many wonderful experiences I’m going to share with Kellan and the boys.
Watching them together now, Kellan’s face lit by wonder and fairy lights, I’m so dumbstruck by the sheer magnificence of him that I miss Jude sneaking the boys away.
“Piper,” Kellan murmurs, slipping his fingers between mine. Gazing up at his gentle smile, the lights twinkling in his eyes, I know I’m incredibly lucky to be able to call him ‘mine.’ “Come with me.”
Confused but not unwilling, I let him pull me a few feet away before realizing I can’t see the boys.
He shoots me a grin over his shoulder. “Jude has the boys covered, don’t worry. Come on.”
I can’t see Jude or the boys, so I just put my trust in Kellan as he leads me through the crowd, Christmas classics playing through speakers hanging from trees, the warmth of his touch fighting off the evening chill.
What are you up to? I wonder as we break free of the clearing, cutting around the big lake that acts as the centerpiece of Hampden Park. The woodchip path crunches underfoot, already frosty. As we meander under the arch of trees that covers the path, I catch brief glimpses of stars between the heavy clouds and realize it’s fairly likely we’ll get snow overnight. A smile curls my lips at the thought of the boys’ excitement if we wake up to a blanket of white. It’s the one thing I miss about winters here in England. That crisp smell of fresh snow and the slight burn of freezing air is not something we’ll experience in Jackson Bay.
I squeeze Kellan’s hand to get his attention just as we round a bend, words drying on my tongue as the glimmer of lights ahead captures my attention. It takes a couple of seconds for me to realize that the three little shadows with light-up reindeer ears underneath the tree strung with lights are the boys, Jude’s shadow just off to one side. She’s beaming, but I don’t have time to think about why.
“Is it time to take these off now, Easy?” Grinning wide, Jaxson and Finley flank Arlo as they fumble with their zippers, finally shucking off their mittens to unzip their jackets.
Coming to my senses, I frown and hurry closer, towing Kellan by the hand. “It’s cold, keep your jackets on—”
“They’re okay, short stuff,” Kellan interrupts softly, his beautiful grass-green eyes shining as he reaches up to stroke my cheek.
There’s something…something odd in his tone, in the way he’s looking at me. I can’t look away.
Then Arlo coughs pointedly and Jaxson giggles as Finley calls my name. Glancing sideways at the three of them, I notice that they didn’t put on the sweaters I picked out—not even Arlo with the dabbing reindeer sweater he chose in Target.
Jaxson and Finley are wearing matching white sweaters, big red letters spelling out ‘Team Kellan’—one word for each of them.
And Arlo…
His sweater is a bright, Christmas red. My brain slowly starts to catch up with what my eyes are reading as I hear Kellan shifting behind me.
“Arlo…” I breathe, the collision of my warm breath meeting the cool December air creating a fog that only makes it harder to see the writing. “What…what does your shirt say?”
He flashes me a toothy grin, looking at Kellan. My gaze stumbles over the words on his sweater before I twist to face Kellan. All my breath rushes from my lungs, tears filling my eyes.
No longer standing beside me, he’s shifted onto one knee.
In his trembling hand, he’s holding a small box.
In the slight curve of his smile, I see the man I’ve crushed on for close to twenty years.
In the grass-green of his eyes, I see a man who has overcome so much to be here today.
And in the words printed on our boys’ sweaters, I see my future—our future.
“I’ve made a lot of momentous decisions under willow trees, Piper.”
With a gasp, I realize we’re st
anding under the one and only willow tree in Hampden Park. “Willow…”
Kellan’s eyes are glassy as he nods, his smile wide. “She’s here, and I know she’d be kicking my butt to get on with it already.” His voice is thick with emotion when he continues. “She loved you, Piper. And she would have loved her little brothers.”
“Oh, God,” I croak, dashing tears from my cheeks.
I can see her. I can see Willow with her messy, sunny blonde pigtails, bright green eyes, and ladybug rain boots.
“Look, Piper! Ladybugs!” Willow squeals, bouncing as I laugh and pluck her from Kellan’s arms. I’m watching her today while he and Shannon work; knowing that got me through the surprise algebra test Mr. Warner threw at us last period.
Kellan chuckles, his lopsided grin popping as his baby girl kicks her legs to show off her new boots. It’s the height of summer, so sandals would be more appropriate, but not for Miss Willow. She dances to her own beat and looks freaking adorable doing it.
“So pretty!” I tell her, spinning around because it makes her giggle and she’s too cute when her nose scrunches up with her belly laughs.
I can see her now, standing with her arms around the boys and a toothy smile on her face, so I wholeheartedly believe Kellan when he says she’s here with us.
“I loved her, too,” I sniffle.
“I know.” Kellan breathes in deeply through his nose, his lips still curved in the handsome smile I’ve loved for two thirds of my life. “Piper Fitzgerald, I see home in your eyes and love in your beautiful smile. I spent years feeling like I’d be alone forever, then you came along.”
His voice breaks, he clears his throat into his fist, and I feel the last of my walls crumbling into dust.
“You and our boys give me a reason to get up every day. Because of you, I have something I never dared dream I could have again. A family.”
“Christ, Kellan. What are you doing to me?” I sort of laugh-cry, wiping my cheek on my shoulder. Slowly, I lower myself to my knees. I don’t care about the cold ground as I cradle Kellan’s beard-covered jaw with shaky hands.
