Ben went off on this forbidden tangent anyway. “She laid it out there. Took the risk you would hate what you saw in her and walk away.”
“Yeah.” He didn’t take that piece for granted. He could see how difficult it was for her to open up about what happened. She’d had tears in her eyes and a determination in her voice that said she expected to be batted down. As if he would ever do that to her.
“Your turn. Or not.” Ben picked up his water glass and drained it. “Your choice.”
“That’s helpful.”
“Oh, you can keep doing this.” Ben gestured around the bar area. “Just be prepared to lose her.”
The thought made him clench his teeth together. “I’m not.”
Ben nodded. “Then risk something.”
Connor went through most of the next day without seeing Maddie. It was on purpose. He did busy work. Helped with some odd jobs at Paul’s house and walked Mr. Higginbotham twice.
He still didn’t want to talk about the walks.
He needed to clear his head and think about Ben’s advice. His initial instinct was to discount it. What did Ben know about women? But the hours ticked by and Connor’s resistance weakened. Staying away from Maddie turned out to be a bigger job than anticipated since everyone on the island asked where she was. And he didn’t like going hours without seeing or talking to her.
Jesus, he had it bad for her.
That meant listening to Ben, or at least trying out his suggestion. Easier said than done because the potential downside to spilling his guts could be huge. He was not that guy. He’d never been that guy but now he really wasn’t him.
When he walked in the house before five, which was as late as he could push it before people started staring at him for sitting around doing nothing at the Lodge, Maddie passed right in front of him on her way to the barstool. Now she sat with her hair up and was reading a book. She didn’t even look up from the pages. No kiss. No warm smile.
Yeah, he’d screwed this up. Big.
He wasn’t a hundred percent sure how to fix his mess but the dragging sadness needed to go. Seeing her, being with her, made him feel lighter and he wanted that sensation back.
“Interested in dinner?” she asked as she turned a page.
“No.”
Something in his tone must have grabbed her attention because her head shot up. “What’s wrong?”
He debated going halfway in. Leaving enough of him outside of her reach to stay whole but letting her have a peek. But then he saw the worry in her eyes and the tension pulling around her mouth. Part of that expression belonged to him. He’d sucked the life out of her and now he had to figure out a way to give it back to her.
He dove in, hoping he found a soft landing. “You’re not Alexis. I get that.”
She closed the book and set it on the kitchen island. “Okay.”
Every part of his brain screamed for him to back out now. Going deep meant going under. He’d experienced that choking feeling. He plowed over it by being in the office when other people were out experiencing life.
“That conversation we had about hiding places? I knew you were at the prison. That you would lead Evan there.” For some reason he needed her to know that he’d gotten the message. That he’d listened and the connection between them had made a difference.
“I actually worried you would come there with a misguided idea of rescuing me and walk straight into danger.” She rolled her eyes. “And you did exactly that.”
The flatness of her voice told him what she thought of that risk. But it was a calculated one. “Ben was there.”
“Are we pretending you don’t have a death wish?”
He didn’t understand the way she saw him. She said things about his life and his reactions that made him think she was looking at another guy. “I don’t.”
“Connor.”
He’d never toyed with not being here. Never experienced a moment so dark that he wanted it to be his last. But he had lost the ability to celebrate things, big or small.
He wasn’t sure how to explain all of that but he tried. “I really don’t. But, admittedly, that doesn’t mean I’ve been all that thrilled about living either.” When she didn’t stop him, he looked for another way to say it. “Alexis’s death is bound up with a whole bunch of other things. The unbearable grief. How it shredded my parents. How Hansen lost it.”
“You’re angry with him.”
“What? No.” He loved Hansen. Spent most of his life trying to be Hansen. Typical baby brother stuff.
She leaned against the counter just a few feet away from him. “He got to fall apart but you didn’t.”
“He went on a vigilante rampage and almost got thrown in jail.” Those words were too strong. He wasn’t sure why he said them or where they came from.
Hansen had derailed but figured it out. Now he was engaged and stable and all of that was behind him.
“And you’re jealous of that,” she said.
“That’s not—”
“Connor.” She said his name louder this time.
“It’s not about being jealous. I was the responsible one.” It sounded odd when he said it out loud. He was the youngest and the one least connected to the business. He actually thought about taking a different path until Hansen checked out.
“Which sucked for you. You can say it. I bet if I called your family they would all say it. Only you seem unable to admit it.”
“You’re not getting this.”
She reached out and took his hand. Slipped her fingers through his and held on. “It’s okay to be angry with him. You stayed behind and did what you had to do. You followed the rules and didn’t seek revenge. You went to work and did the mundane crappy stuff to keep the family on its feet.”
“All of that’s true. To an extent.” It would have been nice to let go, but that’s how families worked. You helped each other out. One member experienced a problem and the others rushed in. “It was a joint effort.”
She shook her head. “You pushed yourself. Buried your brain in work. Refused to grieve.”
Alexis’s face flashed in his mind and he blanked it out again. He couldn’t let memories in on top of this conversation. Struggling to keep up with every comment she threw at him took all of his energy.
“I miss her every single day.” It was the easiest way to express it but the words weren’t big enough. They didn’t convey the depth of the heartbreak.
“We’re saying two different things.” She squeezed his hand and then dropped it.
When she walked into the living room, away from him, the distance between them grew in more ways than one. He felt a tug on the invisible string holding them together. He wanted to reel her back in but he wasn’t sure how.
“Why are you pushing this subject and insisting we explore it?” He didn’t have any anger in his voice because he didn’t feel anger. The emotion knocking into him right now was an overwhelming sense of loss.
With every word and unresolved piece of the argument he could feel Alexis and Maddie slip away from him.
“Because if you don’t deal with her loss you’ll never be able to deal with the life that comes after.” She lifted her chin. “The life I want you to have with me.”
That sounded like an ultimatum but she wasn’t pushing or begging him for more. It was how she seemed willing to let him go forever that pricked at him. No . . . it was bigger than that. It punched through him, leaving an empty sucking hole behind.
“I’ve done okay for the last two years.” He knew that was a lie the second he said it and rushed to clean it up. “You know what I mean.”
She sat down on the arm of the couch, facing him. “Your family begged you to come here and rest.”
Evan had dropped that bomb. He might not have mentioned the intervention, but there was one. They made it quite clear he wasn’t welcome in the office for at least a month. After everything he did for them and their checkbooks, and how hard he worked. They abandoned him, leaving hi
m out here without them.
An unexpected ache started in his chest and he rubbed against the spot to ease the pressure. “My job is to be the reliable one.”
“Out there. Not in here.” She shook her head. “Not with me.”
That’s what this was about. Him opening up to her and showing her . . . something. He still didn’t get what it was she needed before he could tick the box and things could go back to how they were. “You want to see me lose it?”
The color drained from her face. “God, no.”
“Then what?” He really needed a clue here.
“I want you to feel something.”
“No.” The word kept repeating in his head.
He looked at her sitting there. Slumped shoulders and sad eyes. They’d returned to the place they were that first time in Ben’s office. Distrusting and circling each other, not sure what to expect.
The realization that he lost something—again—sliced through him. A raw emptiness oozed out. He wanted to lash out at her for making him deal with it. Feel it.
“Pain. Like the kind of pain that eats away at you. Where I can’t look at old photos or see someone who looks like her. Or think about hiking.” The memories flipped through his mind. Every mental weapon he used in the past to block them failed. He could see her and that smile . . . and that cliff. Why did he visit where she died? He could never unsee it. It haunted him every damn day. “Is that what you want me to talk about?”
She slowly stood up but didn’t come closer. That was a good choice because his body felt like it was on fire from the inside out. Pain poured through him. Crashed, wave after wave. A thumping hollowness echoed in every muscle and every cell.
He wanted to stop the words, cut them off along with the feelings, and storm out. Not see her or see the welcoming in her eyes. She should shut him out and turn him away and he didn’t know how to make her see that, so he kept unloading. Piled on more.
“Maybe you want to know about the guilt.” The ache moved all through him now. “I couldn’t look my own mother in the eye for a year. A fucking year.”
His voice rose but she didn’t back down. She was in front of him again. Running her palms over his chest, trying to soothe him.
“Why?” Such an innocent question.
It had an equally simple answer.
“Because I lost her baby.” He choked on the words.
Maddie shook her head and tears formed in her eyes. “You didn’t do it. You weren’t there.”
“Exactly!” He let the rage explode. All that anger and heat he’d been pressing down for so long rose to the surface and spilled over. “I messed up.”
“You didn’t.”
“I wasn’t there for my sister and she needed me.” The words felt as if they were yanked out of him. Each one hurt as it scratched against his throat.
Her hands smoothed over his face and into his hair. “Babysitting her wasn’t your job.”
“I am her brother.” Not was, because that part didn’t end. She would also be a part of him. There, ready to give him hell.
“Right.” She held his face in both of her hands now. “You’re her brother. Not her guardian.”
That did it. That chunk of pain that he pretended didn’t exist inside him broke lose. He felt the sob inch up the back of his throat and he tried to shove it back down. “I just want her back.”
“I know, baby.”
He wrapped his arms around her and held on. Buried his face in her neck and let the despair wash over him. His body shook and his head pounded. It was as if his brain fought the pain until it crashed through the barriers and flooded everything.
She rubbed his shoulders and whispered his name. Rained kisses over his cheeks and in his hair. Through it all he tightened his grip. She didn’t offer a lifeline. She was his lifeline. The reason he could tread water instead of plunge underneath.
He wasn’t sure what love felt like but he sensed this was it.
Acceptance. Forgiveness. Tenderness.
She believed in him when he didn’t believe in himself. Through her he might be able to bounce back because she was seeing the worst and she didn’t bolt. She’d spent years running, but she proved her staying power now.
“Don’t leave me.” He didn’t know the words were inside him until they slipped out.
“Never.”
Chapter 36
They spent a long night talking. Maddie knew Connor needed the emotional catharsis but she did, too. After days of feeling disconnected and worrying their spark grew out of danger and not any real feelings, she experienced a resurgence of hope. The idea that they were a temporary thing was her nightmare. It scared her more than Evan.
The darkness provided the needed backdrop to learn more about each other. A certain comfort came from lying in bed, whispering in the quiet. They talked about their lives before Whitaker, good and bad. His family stories made her double over with laughter. Her tales from Evan’s imposed WITSEC training made Connor swear more than once.
Now the bright light of morning came and they tiptoed around each other. Not because they were uncomfortable but because each thought the other wanted to sleep in. At least, she originally thought that was the case. They’d showered and started their morning. Moving around each other and through the house, she noticed he didn’t give her full eye contact. His gaze would graze her face, then bounce off again.
She didn’t pretend not to get it. Last night he’d opened up and let her see a side he rarely exposed. She thought he might not have believed he possessed the ability for that sort of openness until the feelings came pouring out. All that hurt and pain. It vibrated in his voice and his body language.
Watching the emotions tear through him wounded her. It killed her to see him go through that pain, but she knew he needed to do it. Bottling up despair didn’t make it go away. It grew until it took over so much of who he was. Impacted and chipped away at every part of his life.
He’d let her in and she wasn’t going to let him shut her out. No more hiding or pretending to be okay. Not with her. She understood the temptation. She’d been doing both for so long that it became habit. It was time they both relinquished the medal and let someone else have the title.
“Good morning.” She stepped in front of him, not giving him any choice but to look up or run her over.
He picked the former. “Is it?”
That question suggested some doubts still lurked under there. He smiled but the expression lacked his usual brightness. Those dark eyes held an unmistakable wariness.
Every other part of McHottiePants looked just fine.
Determined not to let him curl into an emotional ball and avoid her, she rested her hand on his chest and gave him a long, lingering morning kiss. When he made a sexy little noise at the back of his throat, she lifted her head and treated him to a smile. “You’re in a mood.”
The quiet ticked by for a few seconds. She was going to have to force this. Give him a gentle push. “Connor?”
He exhaled. “I’m sorry about last night. That was a lot to dump on someone. I didn’t even know it was stuck in there until it tumbled out.”
And there it was. He’d shown her a side she’d ached to see and finally let a piece of Alexis go, and he worried he’d upset her. Some part of him might be embarrassed. Revealing that much was not an easy thing. It could leave a hole that was tough to fill. Expose a vulnerability that wasn’t easy to handle.
Only men saw that as weakness. She knew being able to process feelings like that was positive. A very human thing.
“I’m not.” Her fingers curled against his soft shirt. “Sorry, I mean.”
“That’s a bit bloodless.” But he didn’t sound angry. The amusement was right there in his voice.
He no longer hid his face from her and that smile suggested he could handle a little emotional wrestling if it meant he’d find support afterward.
She lifted her arms and wound them around his neck. This close she could smell the soap
on his skin. “That man from last night has a bright future. I’m betting he can get most anything he wants.”
His smile brightened. “Oh, really?”
She loved this side of him. Lighter, a bit more carefree. Wearing only a pair of boxer briefs and a T-shirt she could easily slip off, and she might do so very soon.
This living together thing had a lot of side benefits.
“He’s the kind of man a woman might bet on.” She’d gambled everything on him last night. Bet he could maneuver his way through some heady stuff and come out better on the other side. She’d never been so happy to be right.
“I do like to think of myself as a prize,” he said with his cockiness back on full display.
“Wow.” She pretended the ego blast shocked her but she really loved hearing him joke.
On him, self-confidence was cute and charming. On Evan it had been pathological. She was happy that, despite everything, she could still tell the difference. He hadn’t warped her or sucked away the last of her hope.
Connor’s eyebrow lifted. “Too much morning bravado?”
“Just about right.” Perfect, but she wouldn’t tell him that just yet. There would be no stopping his ego if he knew how much she liked this side of him.
They were thrown together by threats and circumstance. They long ago could have retreated to their own homes. Even during a rocky day yesterday they stuck it out. Neither ran back home. They stayed together instead. It was too early and probably too serious, it might even put a lot of extra pressure on that a budding relationship didn’t need, but she did not want their living situation to end.
To drive that point home she kissed him. He didn’t know about the conversation going on in her head but the man could kiss. He put his energy behind it. Kissed her like he never wanted to stop. Whipped up the excitement in her until she forgot they were in the middle of a talk.
He lifted his head after a few minutes and rested his forehead against hers. “I spoke with Hansen this morning.”
Now that sounded like progress, or at least inching toward it. “And?”
The Secret She Keeps EPB Page 26
