I wrung my hands together. There was no expression on his face and his eyes were hostile. Never had I seen them icy like that.
“You’d been away for two years, Cade. Two years. What was I supposed to do? Let you waste the rest of your life here on this mountain? Take a good look around you, Cade. Is this any way to live? What is the point of living like this? All your money rotting in banks. I’m your mother. Ask anything of me, but don’t ask me to let you live here in this horrible cabin.”
“What did you do, Mother?”
“I hired her.”
His eyes narrowed. “As what?”
“I hired her to come here and show you that there is more to life than being a hermit.”
“She crashed her car.”
“I didn’t ask her to do that. All she was supposed to do was get here before the storm so you would be forced to let her stay for a few days.”
“And then what?” His voice was so quiet I had to strain to hear.
“I told her to use whatever means at her disposal to bring you back to civilization.”
“You thought having sex with a woman would do that?”
I could feel the heat rise up my throat. “Well, you used to like it.”
“So why did you come here, if she was supposed to be doing the job?”
“I found out something about her.”
“What?”
“These.” I held the photographs out to him. Right at the top of the pile was the one with the guy masturbating while she did her lap dance.
He took it from my hand and looked at the first one. I saw him flinch in shock. When he looked up, his eyes were bleak. “How did you come by these?”
“After I hired her, I became suspicious of her intentions. So I hired a private investigator, who dug up these photos. Most of them are open source.”
The photographs were crushed in his fist. He was breathing fast. “So you came running up the mountain to scare her away.”
“I was thinking of you.”
“Bullshit, Mother. Bullshit.”
“You can believe me or not, but I love you. Nobody will ever love you as much as I do.”
He appeared to be controlling himself, as he turned away from me and looked out of the window. “You better go back down the mountain before it gets dark, Mother.”
I realized that he was furious with me. Even when he was just a child, he got very quiet when he got really angry. My other son and daughter would shout and scream, not Cade. His fury was disturbing because it was so controlled. I could feel now his anger was barely leashed. It radiated out of him in waves and yet, to a complete stranger he would seem to be just polite and courteous.
“I’ll go, but promise me you won’t be mad at me. I was just trying to help. Maybe I was wrong to interfere in your life, but I had to do something. I was desperate. You are my son. I would do anything for you.”
“I’m not angry with you, Mother. I feel sorry for you. You will never understand. Now, please go. The roads get dangerous as dark falls.” He walked to the door, opened it, and walked out. I stood for a moment in the middle of the cabin. He would come around. He always did. He was my son.
Then I followed him outside. He was checking my tires to make sure the chains were still on and safe. My son loved me. One day he will forgive me.
She was not right for him. I knew that from the moment I met her. I knew I was playing a dangerous game and I was right. She was bad news. But I got rid of her. I stood at the driver’s side door.
“I’m sorry, Cade. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. She looked like such a nice girl. How could I have known?”
“Drive safely, Mother.”
I got into the car and he stood and watched me drive away. I watched him in the rearview mirror. He just stood all alone staring at the car as it disappeared from view. I must have driven for at least five hundred yards when I heard that terrible, terrible roar. It bounced off the mountains and echoed all around me.
I slammed my foot on the brake and listened, but there were no more sounds after that. A sob was torn from my throat. Dear God. What have I done?
That was my beloved son calling for his mate.
Katrina
I didn’t pay much attention to my ride back. I sat very still in the back of the car and gazed unseeingly out of the window. I kept imagining what Lynn would tell Cade. In my heart, I knew she was going to show him the pictures. How else would she stop him from coming to me? I tried not to imagine his face when she showed them to him, but I kept on seeing it. How disappointed he was. He had come to trust me and I betrayed him. He would think I slept with him because of the job.
If Lynn had not come I would have confessed to him.
In fact, I was ready to tell him in the morning, but he said to wait until later because he had something to tell me too. How I wished I had not agreed to wait. I should have insisted that we just get it over with.
Maybe he would have been angry but he would have forgiven me. He would have looked into my eyes and my heart and known I never meant him harm. It was not such a bad thing, what I did. I did it for my sister. I never meant to hurt him, but now that Lynn was in charge of framing the story, I would have no chance.
By now she would have painted me as some cheap whore.
Oh, those pictures.
I buried my face in my hands. If only I had told him this morning. I would have told him that I never meant to sleep with him. The agreement I had with his mother was simple. All I was supposed to do was attract him. Make him feel he was missing something by being on the mountain. Make him want to re-start his life in the city.
Never was sex part of the equation, but I couldn’t help myself.
I was so insanely attracted to him. He was so different from the cold, sophisticated, beautifully dressed, perfectly coiffured man in the photograph that Lynn showed me. In that photo, I saw an extremely handsome man, someone so completely out of my league that I even said to Lynn when I met her at that hotel that I didn’t think I could bring someone like him back from the edge of a self-imposed solitude, but she assured me that I had all the qualities that he admired most in a woman.
She told me she chose me from hundreds of photographs. At that time, I saw a totally different side to her. She seemed warm and friendly and helpful. I told her what the money was for, and she asked about my sister and showed what I thought was genuine concern. I even went as far as to think I was helping her. I wanted to do my best for her, but all that time she just thought of me as an expendable tool. Some throwaway dreg of society.
When we arrived at my apartment, Susie, my roommate was in. She was making one of her famous ham, cheese and French mustard sandwiches.
“My God, what happened to you?” she asked, as I came through the door.
I wanted to be strong, but the look on her face made me burst into tears. She left her sandwich and came up to me and hugged me. “Hey, hey, whatever it is, it is not as bad as you think, remember?”
I’d heard that line so many times, more than I care to. Every time something bad happened to us we told each other that, and it always made me feel better, but not this time. This time I’d really fucked up.
“I fell in love with him, Susie.”
“Oh shit.”
She went to the fridge, poured me a big shot of Vodka, and topped it with orange juice. “Here, get this in you.”
I took a sip, but it didn’t even taste the same. It felt cold and tasteless in my mouth.
“Want to tell me what happened?” she asked, plopping next to me on the sofa.
I nodded and poured my heart out to her.
“What a fucking bitch,” she said bitterly when I finished.
“I think you should leave it alone for about a month, and then you should make contact with Cade,” she said. “I don’t think those photos are as disgusting as you think they are.”
I shook my head. “You should have seen them, Susie. They were horrible. Truly horrible. When I’m at the club
, it feels normal, just another job, all of us are in the same boat, but those photos. They were the pits.”
“You know, people like that bitch, really make me angry. She thinks she’s better than you because you’re a lap dancer, but guess what, she needed you to get to her son. You were good enough for her then, weren’t you?”
“I feel so ashamed,” I whispered.
“Don’t you dare let her make you feel ashamed of what you did. Are you telling me you won’t do that all over again for your sister?”
I blinked at Susie.
“Well, are you so ashamed now of dancing that you won’t do it all over again for Anna?”
I shook my head.
“Exactly. You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t cheat anybody, you didn’t harm anybody. You just used your God given body to dance and give pleasure to some lonely men in order to help your sister. Hell, I admire you.”
“I cheated Cade.”
“No, you didn’t. It was a job, Katrina. What do you think spies do every day? It’s their job. Besides, as soon as you had feelings for him, you were going to tell him, weren’t you? If she had not turned up today, you would have told him, wouldn’t you? Because … you are honest like that. Unlike her. Who has probably lied to Cade again.”
Tears filled my eyes and ran down my face. “I love him, Susie. I’ve never felt like that about anyone before. Ever. I love him so much it hurts. It actually hurts,” I sobbed.
“Oh, sweetie. I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this.”
I blew my nose. “I don’t know what I was thinking. Of course, I couldn’t have him. He’s a billionaire and I’m just a lap dancer.”
“Stop it. Stop that. You’re a good person and he’s not like his mother. He gave up all his wealth and went to live in a cabin by himself. He wasn’t looking for a socialite. He knew you had no money. He saw what kind of junk heap of a car you had and yet he wanted you.”
“He was so nice he said he would buy me a car,” I wailed.
“See. He cares about you too.”
“Do you think so?” I just wanted to hear her say it even if it wasn’t true.
“You’re beautiful, Katrina. Inside and out. Don’t forget that. Lynn can pretend now that you are some cheap whore, but she chose you out of hundreds of women because she knew what you had. And there’s something else that you need to remember too. I believe she’s afraid of you. She was afraid that her son would fall for you and that’s why she came running to the mountain the moment she got wind that her son was seen kissing you.”
My hands were clenched so tight, the knuckles showed white. “Do you think he could have fallen for me?”
“Absolutely, and she knew that too. That’s why she had to get rid of you as soon as she could. Even before you had done the job of bringing him back to civilization.”
“What shall I do now?”
“Look. Don’t do anything just yet. Everything is a mess right now. Let the dust settle. You’re supposed to get the money next week, right?”
I nodded.
“I don’t think she will dare cheat you. So go to work as normal and wait for the money to hit your account first. We’ll sort Anna out and then we’ll see what we can do about this situation, okay?”
My heart felt so heavy, but I nodded my agreement. Maybe I couldn’t have Cade, maybe that would just remain a dream, but for now I had the money for my sister and that was what I should focus on.
Cade
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCBASt507WA
I sat in my black Lamborghini in the parking lot of the club where Katrina worked for an hour running over my decision. A minute for every picture my mother gave me of Katrina. I saw red when she first put those pictures in my hand. I wanted to physically lash out and hurt her when I saw the first one, but I didn’t. I clenched my teeth so hard my jaw ached.
My mother began to cry.
Maybe they were crocodile tears, but I’d learned my lesson. Even the worst psychopath had their own breaking point. I was responsible for Christine’s breaking point, I didn’t want to be responsible for my mother’s. My mother had a long journey ahead of her. I didn’t want it to be on my head that she didn’t arrive home safely.
After she left, I didn’t look at the photos.
I burned them in the stove. All of them.
They made the place stink so much of ink and chemicals I had to open all the windows and doors. It had started snowing again, but all the magic was gone. It was no longer a refuge. I looked around and saw it through my mother’s eyes. The cabin looked small and joyless.
I picked up my tools, went to my workshop and got to work with a mad man’s intensity. For two days and nights I carved, only stopping to eat and snatch a couple of hours of sleep.
I thought a lot during all those hours alone about what I wanted out of life, what mattered to me and what didn’t. As much as I wanted to push Katrina out of my head, I just couldn’t do it.
She was always on my mind.
I thought of the movie Manhattan, when the character played by Woody Allen was lying on his couch and talking into his tape recorder. He led himself to the question of why life was worth living. For him it was, Groucho Marx, Willie May, the second movement of the Jupiter Symphony, Louis Armstrong’s Potato Head Blues, Swedish movies, Flaubert’s Sentimental Education, Marlon Brando, Frank Sinatra, the incredible Apples and Pears by Cezanne, the Crabs at Sam Wo’s and finally … the face of his love, Tracy’s face.
Each of us had our precious things.
The things that made us care. The things that made us human. For me, the list was even more sparse than Woody Allen’s. Before Katrina came my life was empty and meaningless. I spent weeks sculpting something only to destroy it.
To me: Katrina’s face was everything. She made me a human being again. So what if my mother had paid her. I know we had something. Something more than money. Something rare and precious. I didn’t care if she danced for a living in the past. I cared only about the woman I knew.
When the carving was finished, I loaded it onto the back of the truck and stood looking at my cabin. Truly I had loved it. It had saved my life when my life seemed worthless and death was preferable. But that time was over.
I said goodbye to the mountain and left.
I went to see my mother and got the address of the club where Katrina worked. As I was leaving she ran out of the house and held me tight. “Please don’t think badly of me, darling. I did it all for you. Because I love you,” she said. I knew then, she hadn’t been honest about everything. Whatever it was I would find out when I found Katrina.
So, now here I was: Parked in my car outside the club where Katrina danced. Katrina was in there for sure. I knew because I called ahead. I was not storming in there to find she was not even on shift. It was not a very mountain man thing to do to check ahead, but Katrina was right, I was a total poser of a mountain man.
A leopard didn’t change its spots.
I was a billionaire.
I never took chances.
I always went for the sure thing.
I had planned to go in, sit on the periphery not to attract too much attention and just drink a beer, check out the scene. I’d planned to take it easy and slow, hang out for a while, and let her see that I was there. Once she’d spotted me across the room, I figured she’d come over, throw her arms around me and kiss me.
Her boss would get mad and fire her in front of everybody to which she would respond by flipping him the bird and rolling out her wonderful laugh with an arm slung around me, as we headed to the door. That was how I imagined it would go, that we’d take our time with it.
The reality of the situation played out very different.
I walked up to the doormen and they parted like the red sea to make way for me. They were all smiles. I didn’t even have to pay at reception. The benefits of arriving in a luxury sports car. I was whisked into an enclosure marked VIP. This was before I’d uttered a word. It was dark and cool w
ith a loud stag party in progress. Already a plan was forming in my head.
A waitress in a long black dress with a long slit up one thigh arrived. I ordered champagne. The best the establishment had. I asked if Katrina was working.
She smiled. “As a matter of fact, yes. I think her slot comes up soon.”
“I’d like to have a private dance with her.”
Her smile lost some of its glitz. “Well, I believe Katrina is no longer doing private dances, but I’m sure any of the other girls will be glad to oblige.”
“But I only want a private dance with Katrina,” I said.
She cleared her throat. “If you’d like to wait I’ll get the manager for you and you can discuss it with him.”
A man in a black cut suit came hurrying towards me. He had sad eyes and a long pale face. He beamed at me effusively and repeated what the waitress had already told me. I took my JP Morgan Palladium Visa card out of my wallet, put it on the table, and pushed it towards him. It was made of actual palladium and gold and had no spending limit. His eyes widened the way a fisherman who suddenly found a prizewinning catch at the end of his line would.
“I’m prepared to spend an insane amount of money in this establishment for the privilege of one private dance with Katrina. Shall we start with a bottle of champagne for every dancer in this place …”
He gulped, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “Of course. I’ll … I’ll arrange something for you, Sir.”
Katrina
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfIcZtjAch8
I traced my finger along the edge of the dressing room as I waited for my turn to come on. I had one stage performance left tonight. Two more days and I’d have Cade’s mother’s money. Then I was finished with this job.
His Frozen Heart Page 13
