With sadness I remembered the times Maria had said, ‘Come back to bed.’ And I had kissed her lightly on her forehead and hurried away to immerse myself in my work. She had rightly construed that as a lack of emotion. If Olivia asked me to come back to bed under no circumstances would I be heading off in the opposite direction.
For so long I had kept her poisonous letter. As if I deserved to suffer. Deserved to read her crazy lies. Now, I went to the fireplace, turned the gas on, and watched the flames rise up. I dropped the letter into them and watched the orange flames lick around the edges of the papers. Browning, curling, and finally consuming them until they were blackened ashes that fell into the grate. It was poetic.
The cremation of Maria’s letter.
As I watched the ashes began to fly into the room and for the first time there was no guilt or rage, only a lingering sense of profound loss for my children and for their loss: they would never experience kindergarten, get high behind a bicycle shed, fall in love, get married or know the great joy of having children of their own.
‘Time is the greatest healer. It will be less painful,’ everybody said, but time had made no difference. At night I still saw the flames reflected in their eyes as I ran in slow motion toward them.
I hurt as much today as I ever did and I guess I always will.
Chapter 23
Olivia
Though we had sex, twice, before I left Dr. Kane’s home that morning I longed for him all day, and even knowing I had an appointment with him the next day I found it impossible to wait another night, another morning and another afternoon before I saw him again. So I phoned Beryl and she told me his last appointment should leave about five thirty so if I would come around about that time she’d slip me in.
I spent a long time getting ready. I wore my new perfume and because I knew Marlow liked playing with my hair, stroking it, twisting it in his fist, I washed it and brushed it until it shone. Then I pushed a blue velvet Alice band on my head to keep it away from my face.
I put on a red dress that I had bought that afternoon. It was not something I would normally have considered. It was a bit fast with a zip that went from its plunging neckline all the way down to its immodest hemline. I slipped on a pair of high heels exactly the same color as my Alice band, also acquired that day, and I was ready for Marlow Kane’s pleasure.
Underneath the cheap red dress I was nude.
When I arrived, Beryl whistled at me and made me blush. We chatted for a bit before she packed up her bag to leave. After I heard Beryl close the door, I took off my coat and I opened his office door. I closed it behind me and posed against it. I had interrupted him in some deep thought because it took a moment for his eyes to stir and quicken with desire.
I unzipped the fast dress all the way down. His eyes never left me. I let it fall to the ground and walked slowly, my hips swaying exaggeratedly, over to his window. I kicked my shoes off and leaning forward laid my palms on the windowsill. I could see the street below. There were people and any one of them could have looked up and seen me naked. I didn’t care. With my legs spread wide I pushed my naked bottom out invitingly, and turned my head to the side to look at him.
He was only a few steps away, his face full of pure lust. He stood and came forward and bent his head toward me. I felt his breath, hot and urgent, hit the side of my neck, and then his fist was twisting in my hair…and tugging. My head jerked back. I stared up at him. His face was dark and his eyes blazed with need. A hand was caressing the curve of my bottom. He slapped it.
‘What is it you want, Lady Olivia?’ he asked quietly.
I felt excitement like a tingle on my skin. Staring into his eyes I formed my words. ‘I want your big cock in my ass, Dr. Kane.’
Chapter 24
Marlow
My reaction was to become so completely still that it was the opposite of a reaction.
Her face paled, then reddened with shame. Her pliant body stiffened. ‘Sorry. Have I overstepped the mark? Was that too disgusting?’ Her voice faltered. Poor thing, she tried to laugh it off, but she was humiliated.
My hand was still twisted in her hair. Maria’s words were ashes in my mouth. There she was again taunting me. You start at the mouth, after a little while you move to the cunt, then when that insatiable cock of yours is nicely coated with pussy slime, you plunder the ass. And then you bring that shitty cock home and put it in my mouth. You asshole, you! I’m still dripping with your fucking semen.
But it was completely untrue. I didn’t do that to her. To start with I was never unfaithful to her. Not even straight sex, let alone anal sex. And I was not crazy mad for anal sex either.
Twice in four years we had anal sex. Both times she initiated it. I guess I just didn’t particularly want anal sex with her. I looked down at Olivia, her poor crumpled face and her innocent offer in tatters all around her.
And I smiled. A slow smile. The difference is, Maria, I didn’t want your ass, but I, oh God, how I want to be in Olivia’s.
I wanted it so bad Maria’s taunt was almost true. Never again was I going to allow her to ruin the special thing I had with Olivia.
Here’s the reply to your repulsive letter, Maria.
Fuck you! How dare you blame me, you selfish, psychopathic murderer, you? You killed my kids. I never deliberately tried to harm you, and it’s not my fault that I didn’t love you the way you loved me. That’s just life. Tough. Get over it.
And guess what else? When I finish fucking Olivia’s ass I plan to hold open her ass cheeks and watch my semen drip out of it. And you know what else? Maybe I’ll even lick it all up. Because I’m dirty. Far, far more than you could ever have imagined.
Chapter 25
Olivia
‘Without lube?’ His voice was a growl.
For a second there I was terrified that he was angry or disgusted. He was definitely shocked, but then the desire came back into his eyes, burning stronger than before, and I pushed my bottom against his hardness and said, ‘I’m lubed and ready.’
‘Well, then. On your toes.’
I obeyed instantly. His hands grabbed my hips and roughly slanted them upwards so my sex was tilted right up and screaming ‘mind the gap’. He got to his knees and, holding my butt cheeks apart, buried his face in my exposed sex. I felt his nose part my folds as his tongue ravished my clit. The position was dirty and sexy and blood rushed up to my head. ‘Ah,’ I groaned as a thick finger dipped into my slick wetness and immediately found its way inside my ass. Slowly it rotated, stretching and preparing me.
‘Rock your hips,’ he ordered and I could feel his breath hitting my clit.
I rode his jutting tongue. The double sensation was incredible, almost…hypnotic.
‘Faster,’ he commanded.
I obeyed instantly, rocking and frantically fucking his mouth and tongue until every cell in my body melted like butter in a hot oven and I was no longer the strange girl without any memory, but a liquid pool of indescribable pleasure. I had never felt so fulfilled. So utterly satisfied. I had hardly returned to the state of being Olivia again when he moved away from my body.
‘Wait here,’ he instructed. I saw him pick up a cushion from the long sofa at the other end of the room and come back with it. He held it in front of me and with a hand on the small of my back he guided me forward until the pillow was wedged between my groin and the windowsill. I heard his trousers fall to the ground and felt his hard cock push into my slick sex.
‘Oh, Doctor,’ I breathed, shuddering with pleasure and pushing myself onto the deliciously thick shaft. Leisurely, with total control, and without any urgency, he fucked me a few times, then withdrew and rubbed the bulbous head of his cock, now thickly varnished with pussy honey, over the puckered entrance of my butt.
‘This is my beautiful ass,’ he said. ‘I fucking own it. I don’t need permission from you or anyone else to fill it. I’ll slide in whenever I feel like it and stay for as long as I want. Do you understand?’
&nbs
p; ‘Yes,’ I groaned. ‘Oh God, yes.’ I ached to be filled by him.
Behind me I felt his body shake with hunger. I didn’t need to be told. I relaxed my body and waited while he very slowly, inch by inch, stopping every now and again to acclimatize me to the intrusion, forced himself into me, invading and stretching the tight passage where a man should not be, until he was so deep in my bowels I could no longer think.
When he finally became still I exhaled with relief. He used that opportunity to push himself even deeper into my body. The muscles in my legs quivered and strained. Having him so deep in me was strange but terribly exciting. I could feel him pulsing and throbbing inside me.
I turned around and looked at him.
His eyes were hooded and dark and his jaw was clenched tight with pure lust.
‘You’re so fucking huge,’ I whimpered.
His answer was to pull back and slam back inside.
I cried out with the electric sensation of pain, but the first flush was almost instantly replaced by wanton pleasure as he continued to slowly pump in and out of me. I found myself melting around him. I could no longer see our reflection in the windowpane. It was white with the heat of my pants. There was so much sensation coming from his cock that I felt almost dizzy. The only thing that mattered was this. Me giving him pleasure.
I clenched the shaft of meat inside me hard, as hard as I could, and he growled. It felt good to know I could do that to him. It made me feel powerful. He increased his pace. The movement was making my clit grind against the little cushion he had wedged between the edge of wood and me.
His thrusts grew more frantic and my blood-engorged clit rubbed more and more relentlessly against the cushion. I was going to climax again. My body began to tighten. As if his cock understood my body, it swelled inside me. But I could not concentrate on it anymore—the sensations that had started at my core were tearing through me like a hurricane.
I swirled out with it into a whirlpool of pure wonder. Juices gushed out of me and trickled down my thighs. I cried out over and over as he lunged into me until he erupted inside me.
Shattered, as if I had been dropped from a high place, I held onto him with my muscles and listened to the sensations inside my body. They were all subtle. They didn’t want him to leave.
Slowly he pulled out.
I sighed.
He bent down and licked my sticky thighs. That was just the beginning of what he licked that night.
Quote
—Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide—
Chapter 26
Marlow
She lay peacefully in a deep trance in my zero gravity chair. I looked at her face, innocent and utterly trusting, and felt a fierce instinct to protect her flash through me. I had experienced it before, but never for a woman.
The first time was when my son was born and the nurse had given him to me wrapped in a blanket, a wrinkled, mottled, red and, quite frankly, ugly little thing—more changeling than human. His eyes and fists were tightly closed, and the first sensation that flooded into me was not one of joy or happiness, but stark fear.
Would I be able to protect him from this cruel world long enough for him to be able to take care of himself? The feeling had gone as quickly as it had come but I had never forgotten it. The crippling panic. It was back now. The terror of not being able to protect her until she was strong enough to protect herself. I stilled it. I knew I could get to the bottom of this mystery. I knew it was not by accident that Ivana had chosen me.
My intention that day was to return her to the day her mother died, but I wanted to take her to a safe memory first. Something she could come out with and point to as another successful session in remembering the past.
‘You are safe from all harm, Olivia,’ I said quietly. ‘There is nothing that can harm you. You are six years old today and it is bedtime. Where are you?’
‘In the tower,’ she murmured. ‘I’ve had a lovely day. There are presents all over the floor. Ivana says I can have them strewn about today but tomorrow they will all have to be put away neatly.’
‘Is she there now?’
‘Yes.’ She smiled, child-like.
‘What is she doing?’
‘Ivana is reading me a story. “Why is Cinderella’s stepmother so cruel?” I ask her. “Stepmothers are often portrayed like that in fairy tales,” she says.
‘“Why?”
‘“Because they can’t help being jealous of their stepdaughters, I suppose.” I frown. “But you’re not like that?” “No, I’m not,” she says, and breaks into a cheeky grin. “But I would be if I didn’t love you so much.” I nod. It seems to make perfect sense to me. “Ivana?”
‘“Yes, darling.”
‘“Why didn’t Cinderella tell her daddy about what her stepmother and sisters were doing to her?”
‘“Perhaps because Cinderella was too nice to tell tales on anyone. And, I think, she might have thought that if her daddy knew it would have been really, really hard for him to choose between her and her stepmother since he loved them both.” I frown and think about what she has said. It is quite a shocking piece of information that Cinderella’s father might have loved both equally. “Do you think he might have chosen the evil stepmother over good, kind Cinderella?” I ask. Ivana hides a smile. Adults are always doing that. “Probably not,” she says and closes the book.
‘I snuggle back into the pillows. “If I were him I’d choose Cinderella,” I say. “So would I,” she whispers and, kissing me goodnight, switches on the blue nightlight, and quietly leaves the room. I hear the echo of her shoes going down the steps of the tower. And then I look out into the night sky full of stars and wonder where my mother is. I start to feel more and more sleepy. I fall asleep.’
She paused and I was just about to guide her out of that memory and back to the day her mother died when she spoke again, and I realized there was more to that memory, by far more.
‘The sound of scratching wakes me up. I am sleepy. I don’t want to wake up, but the sound becomes louder. I open my eyes and listen… And suddenly I am awake. It is not a scratching sound that I have heard but a clicking, the clicking of a dog’s nails on the stone steps coming up the tower. There is another tread coming up together with the dog. It is much heavier. And it is steady. Step by step they are coming up. I clutch my bedclothes to my chin and hold my breath. The door opens.’
Her limbs began to twitch restlessly.
‘Who has come into your room?’
‘Tom the gardener and his pitbull, Tiger,’ she said. There is a tremor in her voice. ‘I am afraid of them. I want them to go away.’
‘Nothing can harm you, Olivia. You are just watching a scene from a very safe place.’
‘Tiger comes into the room, his tags rattling. The sound makes me feel cold all over. He has powerful jaws and a big chest, but he is also very strong. I have seen him train with Tom in the garden. Under his shiny black fur his muscles are thick and rippling. His broad, square head turns in my direction and his small, piggy eyes find me. I am scared of Tiger.
‘“Attention,” Tom says, and Tiger walks into the middle of the room. From this position he will not move until Tom gives him the command to leave. His yellow eyes never blink. He opens his mouth and starts breathing noisily. Drool starts sliding from his teeth down to the floor.
‘“I don’t want to,” I tell Tom. “Please. It’s still my birthday and Daddy says I’m allowed to do anything I want on my birthday.” Tom laughs. “I’ve got a birthday treat for you.”
‘“I don’t want it,” I say. Tiger begins to growl. The sound terrifies me. I start to cry. “Stop it,” Tom scolds. “I can’t bear it when you do that.”
‘Tiger’s growl becomes more ferocious. He starts frothing. Tom makes me take my knickers off. Then he puts his mouth between my legs… And he licks and sucks me…down there… And then my head goes funny, and after a while my body starts floating.’
I sprang out of my seat, stunned, and paced the floor with my right hand pressed against my forehead. I couldn’t believe it. I had found the white owl. And it was the fucking gardener! A hiss of pure hate tore from my throat. Disgust, like fingers, was in my guts, stabbing, clawing ripping. Pedophilia never ceased to amaze me, no matter how many times I heard about it. How could human beings take their sickness out on innocent little children?
The bastard. The sick, sick bastard.
My eyes filled with tears of rage. If he had been there I would have killed him with my bare hands, I swear it. I started to retch, but it was dry—the grotesque thing would not come up. I covered my face with my hands and dragged my fingers up and through my hair. I could not let her go on. I could not hear another word. I was so violently angry my body was trembling uncontrollably.
‘Stop,’ I screeched.
The sound was so loud in the completely silent room her body jerked. I turned and stared at her with narrowed eyes. Her eyelids fluttered and then she went still. Fuck! That was stupid. I could have shocked her out of her hypnotic state and made it all so much worse.
I felt desperate to leave the room and glug down half a bottle of JD. All I wanted to do was get rid of the filthy, ugly image that was clinging like a rotten fungus to my brain. I just didn’t want to deal with it. I felt incapable of it. First Maria. Now her.
I took a deep breath and forced myself to calm down.
Now I understood why she had answered ‘growl’ when I had said ‘dog’ during the word association play. And it explained why she had allowed herself to be debased by the Invisible Society. A society that she spoke of with disgust.
His Frozen Heart Page 46
