Now, I’m not going to sit here and tell you that when the anger rose up in me, I felt my muscles bulging to the point where my clothes ripped. And I’m not going to say that I saw nothing but red due to the billowing of rage filling my world. And I’m definitely not going to say that my skin had turned green.
But I was pretty pissed off and that caused something I didn’t expect.
I became a vampwolfmagixie.
You read that right.
So much for my assumption that when one of the facets of my amalgamiteness came out to play, the others receded.
My teeth burst forth, my strength easily doubled, magic filled me like I’d hit a beer bong full of elixir…magic bong?, and I felt a rush of foul language racing to get in line at my vocal cords.
To make matters worse, the damn werebear was up and swiping at me while my mages peppered it with fire, ice, and electricity. Chuck and Felicia were plugging it with .50 caliber rounds, too. This was worse because I got to feel all of the fallout from that.
Even more fun was the fact that the damn bear wasn’t being impacted by any of it. The bullets were bouncing off…and the damn thing had no shield.
“Hold your fucking fire, you jizz guzzling fucktardth!” I hollered, surprised that I could say the letter ‘z’ without lisping it.
They stopped and I felt instantly bad for calling them that.
The bear looked completely baffled by my outburst. She even gazed down at me and tilted her head. Then, she squinted.
“Are those fangs?” she asked, leaning in.
“Yeth,” I replied and then grabbed her by the side and launched her off me.
I’m not shitting you when I say “launched” either. Believe me, I was more shocked about this than anyone. That bear felt like she weighed next to nothing. Obviously, my werewolf strength was intense, especially when mixed with my vampire power.
She crashed into one of the buffet walls, grunting on impact.
Then she looked over at me with fear in her eyes.
“That’th right, bisch,” I lisped, wishing I knew more words with the letter ‘z’ in them. I got to my feet. “You athked for the pain, and now I’m going to bring it.”
“What the hell are you?” she asked as her eyes darted around, clearly seeking for a means of escape. “I thought you were just a vampire, but—”
“I’m not a vampire,” I grunted, my shoulders slumping.
She pointed at me. “But you have fangs.”
“Okay, okay,” I groaned. “Tho I’m partthially a vampire, you pedantic phalluth.”
“What did you call me?” she asked, perplexed.
“Forget it.”
“Wait,” she said after a moment. “Vampires aren’t as strong as you.”
“That’th becauthe—” I paused and pulled my teeth back in. “That’s because I’m really an amalgamite.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a…” I stopped and took a deep breath. “It’s not important right now. The fact is that you are under arrest.” I squared my shoulders. “Now, you can either come quietly—”
“Oh, no,” she said, waving a paw at me, “I’m a screamer.”
“What?” I then sighed as I caught what had just transpired. Wasn’t it me who was supposed to be the horndog? Wasn’t I the one who always had a juvenile thought when something sounded just wrong enough? “I didn’t mean it that way, you undescended testicle.”
She put her paws on her hips. This looked really odd, since she was still fully in bear mode.
“What’s with the name calling?”
“Are you going to come—” I held up a hand at her warningly as I rethought my wording. “Are you going to surrender or am I going to have to kill you?”
She glanced around again until her eyes locked on Rachel. Then she began to grin. Now, it should be noted that when a werebear grins it’s not something you would consider cute. In fact, it looks rather menacing.
This wasn’t going to go well.
Chapter 18
Rachel spotted the problem the instant I did, but she wasn’t as fast as the bear. Thus, she got swept up, spun around, and used as a human shield.
My eyes did that smoldering thing again.
“What are you going to do?” the bear said as her claws rested on Rachel’s neck. “All it will take is one quick swipe to make her blood spill. Is that what you want?”
“The better question,” I replied, fighting to stay calm, “is what do you want?”
She cocked her head toward one of the buffet stations. “My food to be left alone.”
I frowned at her. That couldn’t possibly be all there was to this. It made no sense. Okay, so maybe a bear would love to have an unlimited food supply. I wouldn’t know, to be honest. I’m not a bearologist, or whatever the hell they’re called. But this wasn’t simply a bear. This was a werebear, meaning that when this was all said and done, she was going to go back to being a human-looking woman. She’d be able to buy normal food or even go to this very buffet and partake without incident.
“Look, Smokey,” I insisted, “there’s got to be more to this than merely food.”
“Did you just call me Smokey?”
“Well, I don’t know your actual name, so—”
“So you took it upon yourself to call me Smokey, as in Smokey the Bear, right?” Then she shook her head in disbelief. “That’s just rude.”
“It is,” Rachel said, giving me a disappointed look. “You should apologize, Ian.”
“What?”
“Seriously. You don’t just go and call someone by a name like that.” Even though her life was in the balance and a wearbear had its claws on her throat, Rachel had managed to cross her arms. “Apologize, please.”
I squinted. “You had no problem with me calling her a testicle.”
“Because that wasn’t directly a slight on her species. Calling her Smokey is.”
The bear looked at me, then at Rachel, and then did that wicked smiling thing again.
“Are you two dating?”
“Apologize, Ian,” Rachel reiterated.
“Fine,” I exploded and then glared at the bear. “I’m sorry I called you Smokey, okay?”
Smokey began to laugh.
Yes, I know I was still thinking of her as Smokey, but I had nothing else to go on. Besides, I’m allowed to be as rude as I wish in the privacy of my own thoughts.
“You are dating.” Smokey continued giggling. “That means you’ll not do a damn thing to me as long as I have her in my clutches.”
“He sure won’t,” Rachel agreed. Then she winked at me and added, “But, I will.”
With that, Rachel spun in and toward the bear’s armpit and slipped from her grasp, diving away as quickly as she could.
Smokey roared and started to reach out, but my magic was faster than her attack.
In less than a second, I had pulled up my hand and unleashed wave after wave of fire mixed with energy. The energy pulse lifted the bear into the air and the fire cooked her midsection as she screamed and fought to get away. When she finally passed out, I flicked my wrist and sent her flying toward the wall.
She struck it with a resounding thud.
A smear of blood trailed her as she slid down, coming to her final rest on the ground.
Smokey was dead.
I immediately shut down my magic and unleashed a flurry of whispered curses that would have made EQK blush.
Bottom line: I was busted.
Then I slowly looked at each person on my team, in turn. Not a single jaw was closed, except for Griff’s. Instead of shock and awe, he looked concerned.
Great.
Chapter 19
Security dispersed the crowd and shut down the buffet for a bit. They were going to have to give the area a thorough cleaning anyway, so it had to be done.
Serena was working with Warren to do some study on the werebear. Well, previous werebear. The woman had turned back to looking like a standard human now.
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The rest of the PPD crew stuck null zones up around the perimeter as well, just to further deter prying eyes. We couldn’t do a hidden zone because people would wonder where the heck the buffet disappeared to. That would only serve to make Paula Rose’s already difficult job even more trying.
“How the hell do you expect me to spin this one, Ian?” she complained. “A freaking werebear tearing up a buffet and you with your magical light show…I mean, come on!”
My first reaction was to pick her up, growl at her, and bite her neck. Rachel’s arm on my shoulder served to remind me that wouldn’t be such a grand idea.
Still, I wasn’t going to be browbeaten by Paula today.
“I understand you have a difficult job,” I said in a steady voice, “but it’s a job you chose to do. If you can’t figure out a way to spin things, you may want consider finding something less challenging.”
Her mouth went slack as her eyes bulged.
“What did you just say to me?”
I pushed past her, ignoring her question, and walked out to where the rest of my team had gathered. Rachel was giggling during the walk and Paula was yelling after me, using rather derogatory language. I ignored them both.
“Chief…” started Chuck, but I held up my hand to silence him.
“Everyone, follow me,” I commanded.
The walk to the exit was done in complete silence. I had reported to Lydia that the situation was resolved.
“Rachel,” I said finally through a direct-connection, “please have everyone shut down their connectors completely.”
“Why?”
I glanced at her.
“Okay,” she said, putting her hands up in surrender. “Jeez.”
“Make sure that only they hear you. I don’t want Lydia to know.”
“I don’t…” She paused. “Oh, wait. I get it. Hadn’t thought of that.”
I disconnected from her and continued walking until we had gotten out to the parking garage. Then I headed down to the lowest level and off to the far corner.
Once there, I requested that the mages put up a null zone and a hidden zone around us.
They complied, but I still didn’t feel safe talking about what was going on.
The fact was that our connectors were supposed to be active devices only, meaning that Lydia or anyone else couldn’t hear anything we said unless we actively invited them into our skulls. But I had no proof of this level of security. For all I knew, everything that Rachel and I had been saying to each other since getting injected with vampire venom could be in Lydia’s banks already.
Just in case, I thought the best way to ensure there could be no listening in would be to jump to a place where I was certain there was no connectivity.
“Everyone link hands,” I stated, grabbing Rachel’s hand on my left and Griff’s on my right. Once everyone was linked, I said, “I’m going to explain everything, but not here.”
“Then where?” asked Felicia.
“Just be ready for anything,” I answered and then closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and said, “I want me some valkyrie lovin’.”
Chapter 20
My crew was gazing around the large arena that made up the seventh level of “Hell.” It wasn’t really Hell, of course, but Dante considered it such in his Divine Comedy.
This was the level that belonged to the valkyries.
Yes, I’m talking about the babes who got all dressed up in armor and walked around the battlefields deciding who lived and who died. And when I say “babes,” I thoroughly mean that. We’re talking seven-foot-tall musclebound ladies in full battle gear.
“Drool,” said The Admiral as the lead valkyrie, Valerie, began sauntering over.
“Shut up,” I admonished my dick.
“He’s right, though,” Rachel noted in a whisper. “Holy shit pickles, Ian. If I knew they looked like this, I would have joined you.”
“Really?” The Admiral squeaked.
“Really?” I squeaked an instant later.
“Totally,” Rachel answered us both. “We’ll have to discuss this at some point.”
“Well, my feeling is that—”
“Not now, idiot!”
“Oh, right. Sorry. I’ll just hide out here in the dark and wait.”
I rolled my eyes and sighed. Why couldn’t I be normal? Not like normal-normal. I still wanted to remain a supernatural, but couldn’t I at least not have a talking dick?
“Ian Dex,” Valerie said as her eyes landed on me after she studied my crew, “have you returned for another try?”
“He sure has,” answered Rachel with a big grin.
“No,” I stated an instant later, pushing Rachel back. “I’m sorry to have intruded on you, Valerie, but I am in need of assistance and this is the only place I could think of where my internal communications device could not be overheard.”
She nodded for a moment, though she appeared distracted. I followed her eyes and saw she was looking at Rachel, who was twirling her hair like a schoolgirl who had a crush on her teacher.
“Ugh,” I said.
On the one hand, it was a major turn on that Rachel found the valkyries to be smokin’ hot; on the other hand, there was a time for play and a time for work. Now was not a time for play.
“Speaking of hands,” The Admiral chimed in, “I don’t suppose I could borrow one of yours for a few minutes? Or Rachel’s? Or Valerie’s?”
“I vote Valerie’s,” Rachel coaxed.
“Both of you shut the hell up right now!”
“Why did that one use my name?” Valerie asked, pointing at Rachel. Then she glanced at me for a moment and then back at Rachel. “Is she the one who made it so you couldn’t perform?”
Chuck, Felicia, Warren, Serena, and Jasmine all giggled. Griff was too classy to stoop low enough to find something such as this humorous. Rachel was too enthralled to even catch on.
I groaned and set about introducing everyone to Valerie as the rest of the valkyries fanned out behind her.
“For the love of…” Rachel breathed out heavily. “You’re all gorgeous.”
“You can say that again,” agreed Serena. “I wouldn’t mind playing in this level for a while. Can anyone apply to work here?”
“I know of a few openings I could fill,” The Admiral was quick to note.
“I don’t think it works that way, Serena,” I answered for Valerie.
“Yes, anyone can apply to work here,” Valerie said, proving I was wrong. She studied Serena for a moment. “You are a little on the small side, though. I’m afraid we would only be able to offer you pleasuring duties.”
I raised an eyebrow at this.
Okay, yes, I was currently in the middle of a mental breakdown, but managing pleasuring duties for valkyries sounded like a dream job.
“Now, you’re talking,” The Admiral Agreed.
Serena’s voice remained steady. “Pleasuring duties?”
“Yes,” Valerie replied without inflection. “You would feed us, bathe us, give us massages, and meet our more carnal needs.”
“Where do I sign up?” said a voice that I suddenly realized was my own. I shook myself back to reality. “Shit. Sorry.”
Valerie gave me a wicked grin. “You are the one that we wish to pleasure, remember?”
“Even better,” The Admiral sang.
Yes, sang.
“Oh yeah,” Rachel said like she was all for that plan, “we’re totally going to discuss this again.”
Things were getting a little crazy at the moment. This made sense, seeing that there was a fair bit of horniness that came with being a PPD officer, but had everyone on my team suddenly forgotten that I had fired off some major magic against a werebear not too long ago?
One look at Griff and Chuck told me that they remembered. Of course, they were gay, so the prospect of pleasuring valkyries wasn’t as appealing to them as it was to the rest of us. The ladies on my squad were all bisexual, though. I knew this because they had essentially
admitted it during the battle with our first ubernatural a number of months back. Well, Rachel, Jasmine, and Felicia had anyway. Serena’s interest in other women was kind of new to me, but seeing as how she’d just requested a job application, it was immediately apparent what her interests were. Warren had once claimed that he was pansexual. At first I thought this meant he liked screwing cooking equipment, but I learned later that he just had no issues with boning men, women, or even supers who were in their supernatural forms. He wasn’t into doing weird crap with regular animals or anything, though. He’d been clear about that.
Now, me? My sexuality was pretty straightforward. I was buy-sexual. If I couldn’t get sex, I’d buy it.
“Valerie,” I spoke up, taking her eyes off my crew, “something has happened to me and I really need to tell my agents what’s going on. Now, I know they’re all incredibly horny—you and your beautiful ladies will do that to people—but I have to talk to these guys right now.”
The look of concern on her face was kind of touching, if I was being honest.
“I think it’d be cool if she were kind of touching me right about now,” The Admiral stated out of the blue.
“Would you please shut up?”
“Are you well, Ian Dex?” Valerie asked.
“Not really,” I replied honestly.
Then I went on to explain everything that had happened to me, from the djinn fucking with my head, to the vampire biting me, and finally on to how I learned that my amalgamite bits and pieces were seemingly forming into one.
“You’ve already seen what I can do with magic,” I pointed out to my crew, “but there’s more.”
I showed them my fangs.
“Sexy,” meowed Valerie.
“It really is,” agreed Serena.
“Totally,” whispered Warren.
“Ew,” I said.
“Now, I must admit that I find this rather appealing,” Griff remarked. Chuck looked at him. “Sorry, Charles, but you know how I have a thing for you vampires.”
I threw up a little in my mouth. “Double ew.”
Chapter 21
Curse of Fangs: An Ian Dex Supernatural Thriller Book 6 (Las Vegas Paranormal Police Department) Page 7
