Massage

by Bi Feiyu

  Now that she would no longer visit the men’s dorm, all that was left to them were his visits to the women’s dorm. He quickly learned that there are visits and there are visits. Wang was a serious-minded man, someone women seldom joked with. And with people around, the two of them avoided whispered conversation, making his visits so bland they could not be mentioned in the same breath as hers. They just sat together, almost ceremoniously. Miserable. Ornamental.

  Wang Daifu began paying closer attention to Xiao Kong. She was forever in the grip of anxieties. Though he couldn’t see her face, he could tell from her voice that she had changed. Truth was, she’d been in low spirits starting when they went back to work, but he’d failed to notice. What had she been like in Shenzhen? She’d spoken in a bright, loud voice, saying whatever popped into her head, even cursing once in a while. She’d seemed happy. She had always given people the impression that she was happy, and an open book.

  He knew why she was unhappy. It was because he had yet to make her the boss’s wife. It was reasonable to say she’d been ‘tricked’ into coming to Nanjing with him. He may not have intended to, but it is what he’d done. The idea weighed heavily on him.

  He listened to the radio on his bunk when he felt miserable, a popular diversion among the blind, who enjoy variety shows and sports. Wang had always taken pleasure in listening to them, but no more. All he cared about now was the stock market. With this secret in mind, he bought a pair of earphones so others wouldn’t know what he was listening to. With one in each ear, he could listen to stock market news, but the market was like a corpse, cold, with no sign of life.

  In addition to stocks, the radio also brought him news of the Nanjing real estate market, which, for him, was a double whammy of misfortune. His money was tied up in stocks when the market crashed, but before he had time to feel sorry for himself, the real estate market in Nanjing began to heat up. How did he keep running into madness? The real estate market wasn’t mad in the ordinary sense; it was violently mad, like a rabid dog breaking free of its chain and launching itself towards his face. In retrospect, he really had walked into a trap by returning to Nanjing. Real estate prices determined the rent for a street-front space; given his current financial situation, it would be nearly impossible to open a tuina centre even if he were able to recoup his money from stocks. If he hadn’t decided to play the market, at worst he could have bought a two-bedroom house. But no, and see what happened? First the stock market went crazy, followed by the housing market, and his money would soon amount to nothing. Those who live by the sweat of their brow are doomed to a lifetime of poverty, he was sure of that now. No matter how much you earn through hard work, even if you spit blood from exhaustion, you face the danger of dire poverty overnight. He began to fret about his future, sensing he wouldn’t even have a plot in which to bury his remains.

  When would Xiao Kong ever become the boss’s wife?

  But he was wrong. She was worry-laden but not because of that. She hadn’t told her parents that she’d come to Nanjing, nor about her and Wang Daifu. They would never have consented to the relationship, especially her father.

  When it came to boyfriends, her parents had only one simple wish, an order, to be more accurate – they were not demanding on anything other than sight. No matter what, he must be able to see, at least a little; they would never accept someone who was totally blind. The night before she left for Shenzhen, they’d had a frank talk with her: in general, they said, ‘We won’t interfere with your relationships or your marriage, but you must remember that you have to lead your life, not grope your way through it. You are totally blind, and we will never permit you to marry someone who has to grope his way through life.’

  In fact, Xiao Kong had tried to find someone who could lead a life with her, but regrettably she had nothing to show for that but tears. She learned something in her failed attempts – no matter how smart someone is, or how rational, they turn blind once they become the parents of a blind child, forever leading a life of wishful thinking. Of course, she would have liked to find someone to lead a life with her, but it was hard. The parents of a blind child are forever just that, the parents of a blind child. They are irrationally obstinate, and for a very simple reason: they have invested an extraordinary amount of effort into their child, for whom they have experienced extraordinary concern, on whom they have pinned extraordinary hope, and in whom they have bestowed extraordinary love. Hence, the demands they place upon their child are themselves extraordinary. Their intention was not to interfere in their child’s marriage prospects, but they must, because they are worried.

  Wang Daifu was totally blind. When they first came together, Xiao Kong made up her mind not to tell her parents. She’d try it out and see what happened – as luck would have it, she’d met someone just like her, and had fallen in love with him pretty quickly, though she’d always been guarded where feelings were concerned. But for a girl in love for the first time, what good is being guarded? Love is like a tiny ant, which can bring down an immense dike with an ant hole. Xiao Kong had made a tiny hole in the dike of her feelings, and when she tried to patch up the hole, it was too late. And so she cried; after crying, she decided to choose love. The way she figured it, when something had reached the point of no return, what people commonly refer to as ‘the rice has been cooked’, she could always come up with a solution. She just had to be uncommonly patient. But then patience is essential to a blind person. It is the crux of their being, the only asset they have to compensate for their sightless eyes. In other words, the blind must learn to wait; no matter what happens, they must never rush into action, or they can suffer terribly, they can fall and lose teeth.

  She could wait, but love could not. To her surprise, their love had rushed along at such a dizzying speed that she had quickly followed him to Nanjing. At the mention of Nanjing, she had felt her heart swell almost like a surging ocean wave. Wang had said he wanted to go with her to Nanjing for the New Year’s holiday. The subtext could not have been clearer. No longer a child, she knew what he had in mind, yet did not respond; she’d wanted to but couldn’t. Being self-conscious, she knew that her voice would quiver so much that she’d appear undignified. The lack of a response frightened him into shrinking back. It was more than nerves that stopped her; this would be, after all, the most significant step in her life, and once she took it she could not possibly turn back. That would mean the unavoidable betrayal of her parents. The implications of such a betrayal could not be understood by sighted people. She began crying again; that was all she could do. But there was irresistible magic in the phrase ‘go with him to Nanjing’, an enticing call with beguiling allure. Like threads, the words bound her, encircled her, tied her up, and eventually she was sewn up. She knew she was spinning silk, wrapping herself into a self-enclosing cocoon that would deny her even the ability to struggle. She was infatuated.

  But not really. She took action, shocking action that would have stunned anyone who knew her. First she went to a beauty shop to have her hair done, then she went on a shopping spree, starting with the purchase of a pair of heels. High heels are a taboo for the blind, but she was willing to spend the money even if she wore them only once, only for a day, even for two hours. She then bought a set of Triumph lingerie that was breathtakingly thin and lacy. Mustering her strength, actually more like courage, she splurged on a bottle of Chanel No. 5. Why buy that perfume? Well, it involved two young women, one of whom was Xiao Kong’s VIP client, who chatted away as they enjoyed their time on the tuina beds, talk that sounded more like dreams; dreams of a decadent, unfeasible life. Their talk took them to a luxuriously appointed, spacious seaside house with a view, and a luscious man who was an unstoppable machine in bed. The topic led Kong’s client to repeat Marilyn Monroe’s famous response to what she wore in bed: ‘Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.’ Her friend laughed and said she was being slutty. Xiao Kong did not understand the reference at first, but she was, after all, a woman, and quickly grasped the meaning. Sh
e felt a sudden fright, overwhelmed by the intoxicating fantasy of sleeping only in Chanel No. 5.

  She shocked herself once everything was ready. Isn’t this the same as marrying myself off? Yes, Xiao Kong was going to secretly marry herself off. The year had neared its end once she was all set, but there was nothing from him. He did not bring up Nanjing again, having lost his nerve after the setback. In the end, she called him. ‘The year’s almost over. Are you still going back to Nanjing?’

  ‘Yes, uh-huh,’ he hummed and hawed.

  ‘What does ‘yes, uh-huh’ mean?’ she asked, trying to be patient. What was the blockhead thinking?

  ‘Yes, uh-huh,’ he said a second time.

  Finally losing her temper, she yelled in frustration, ‘Well, think about it and call me when you’ve made up your mind!’ She hung up.

  With the tone of finality in her demand, he scratched his head anxiously; when he’d finished scratching his head and found the right words, he lacked the courage to say them. He called back after two minutes to tell her that he just wanted to be with her. It was empty talk, evasive, but he was pleased with himself for being clever. He raised his eyebrows up and down, feeling smug over his own glibness. What a dope, so simple it was endearing. Wasn’t this precisely what had attracted Xiao Kong to him?

  ‘Will you be nice to me?’ she asked softly, not so insistently, just like a bride. He did not know the height of this ‘mountain’ called woman, or the depth of this woman called ‘water’, but at least her question gave him hope. It turned him serious and stopped him from trying to be glib. When he opened his mouth this time, he was perfectly serious.

  ‘Let me walk out and get hit by a bus if I’m not nice,’ he proclaimed loudly.

  She felt like a newlywed, who needed the vow but not the taboo curse. ‘Don’t say unlucky things, you dumb fuck! I’m not going to talk to you ever again.’

  And that was how she came to Nanjing, after lying to her parents about going to Hong Kong. It was the first time she’d lied to them and she was beset with guilt, but how could she not lie about this? She could not believe how brave she was, like a fiend with no regard for anything but sex. It frightened her to think about it. On the other hand, her parents would never have believed it if someone had told them what was happening, for their daughter had always been prudent and trustworthy as far as that was concerned. Yet, their prudent, trustworthy girl had actually gone and done it.

  She was bold, she was willing, and she was ready. Given the choice, she would do it again. When it comes to love, parents are there to be deceived. In her eyes, there was only him, the ‘bridegroom’. She loved his neck, his chest and his wilful arms. He was as warm as an oven, emitting endless heat. She wanted his body, and his weight. His arms gave her a sense of security; with those arms around her she felt as if she were in a locked box. But that wasn’t all. The most important thing was that he loved her. She knew he did; she knew that with absolute certainty. He would never permit danger to touch her, would use his body to block out everything, be it a knife, fire, a nail, broken glass, a utility pole, the corner of a building, a speeding motor scooter, reckless skates, or piping hot three-delicacies soup. But in fact she could handle all these things herself and didn’t need his protection, though he would happily give it. Love was terrific, better than having eyes all over your body.

  What she liked most about him was his personality; he was solid, hard-working and well respected wherever he went. Of course that ‘little brother’ of his was naughty and insatiable, day and night. She wanted it too, but really preferred what came after. She put on her Chanel No. 5. That was all she wore. They were quiet, her in his arms, touching each other. Nothing mattered to them now, not wind, not rain, not snow, not ice, not even circling tigers and wolves. They were comfortable and warm, and she didn’t want to sleep, instead feigning sleep at moments like this. He kissed her and called her darling, softly, thinking she was asleep. How could she spend such relaxed, fulfilling moments asleep? She tried to hold out, giving up only when she could no longer stay awake, falling asleep in his arms after letting out a deep sigh, her shoulders loosening.

  She insisted on resting her hand on his chest even when they were asleep; always uneasy, she touched him all over. Sometimes she unintentionally touched his ‘little brother’, which seemed to be alert at all times, and began to grow at the touch of her fingers. That woke her up and him too, and he would want her then. It might be the middle of the night, and she would be too tired for that, but she’d bought into the notion that she belonged to him and had to give him what he wanted when he wanted it. Little brother was bad, really bad, not well behaved like the older one.

  Xiao Kong was contented. But even at the happiest moments, she never let down her guard with her mobile phone, the one from Shenzhen. She’d already got another phone in Nanjing but relied on the one from Shenzhen, with its different number, to help her lie. The lies dampened her happiness, giving it an unclean feel. Whenever she recalled her parents’ exhaustive and excessive efforts, she felt that she, not them, was the target of her lies. Lying is like a forced march; you put one foot after another, left, then right, then left again. Yet lies are unreliable and cannot be repeated, for rather than growing in strength, they gradually lose their power, until they are completely exposed.

  Her mother grew suspicious during the cold war between her and Wang Daifu.

  ‘Where are you anyway?’

  ‘In Shenzhen, of course.’

  ‘No, you’re not,’ her mother insisted.

  ‘Where could I be if not Shenzhen?’ Xiao Kong had to sound even firmer in her assertion.

  Shenzhen or Nanjing, that was a big problem. She could not even say the word Nanjing, for that would give rise to an even more serious problem: Why did you go to Nanjing anyway?

  Liars are given to blindly underestimating those they lie to. Her mother could already hear that she was not in Shenzhen, because of the reduced background noise on her mobile phone. Most importantly, her mother no longer heard the drawling Cantonese, which was a sure sign that her precious girl had left Shenzhen.

  Her mother was worried, so was her father. What had happened in the girl’s life? Where was she anyway?

  Xiao Kong had set her Shenzhen phone to vibrate, and her heart skipped a beat each time she felt the vibration, for that meant it was time to lie again. Like a thief, she had to leave the tuina room to become entangled with her parents in an impossible dispute concerning her current location. With others and Wang Daifu present, she could not have found the nerve to say ‘I’m in Shenzhen.’ Lying was hard enough; doing it in front of others was worse.

  She had to guard against something else as well: Wang Daifu could never know of her parents’ objection, for that would hurt him deeply. So she had to lie to him as well.

  Chapter Six

  Jin Yan and Xu Tailai

  XIAO KONG AND Wang Daifu weren’t the only lovers in the tuina centre; there was another couple, Jin Yan and Xu Tailai, whose relationship differed from that of Kong and Wang’s in how it began. Xiao Kong and Wang Daifu had come to the centre as a couple, while Jin Yan and Tailai became lovers after coming to work. Their styles too were different. Although Xiao Kong and Wang Daifu had been together longer, they were understated, reserved and restrained in their relationship, appearing much the same as ordinary friends. But not Jin Yan and Xu Tailai, who were unusually demonstrative, especially Jin Yan, who was so expressive all she lacked were a gong and a drum to announce her romance to the world.

  A romantic relationship normally begins like this: a man has his eye on a woman and finds an appropriate moment to express his feelings in private. To be sure, some women make the first move, but it is usually more direct, not concealed, as with men, and that was exactly what happened, although Jin had a unique approach. A few days after she met him, she acted on her feelings, out in the open, resolute as a bomb-toting soldier. Before Tailai could react, she made it clear at the centre that he was hers, that she wa
s going to have him, and that no one had better get in her way.

  It was way over the top. Tailai was no rare treasure, not a man any woman would want to fight over. He could not have been more average, and most people would be hard pressed to find anything special about him. Start with his appearance, which could be summed up in three words: far from handsome. If you swung a club anywhere on the street, you could easily knock down eight or nine men just like him. The blind cannot see faces, but they live in close proximity to sighted people, and from their conversations gain a pretty good idea of what each other looks like. And in that regard, Jin Yan and Tailai were not a good match. Her relentless pursuit of him seemed irrational. Tailai had dumb luck; there was no logic behind the two of them pairing up, even though if you tried hard you might find a couple of reasons for it. Or perhaps there was something wrong with Jin Yan.

  In fact, their complicated relationship went way back; it was like a well whose depth was unknown, even to Tailai himself.

  Xu Tailai, originally from northern Jiangsu, found his first job in Shanghai. Where was Jin Yan from? She was from Dalian. One from the south, the other from the north, two people who could not possibly have known one another beforehand. Seriously, no matter how unpredictable life might be, they’d never have met.

  Tailai had not been happy working in Shanghai, for he was ill-suited to making it on his own. Simply put, he had low self-esteem owing to insufficient talents, and he was not outgoing. Talking can provide a good example. Every blind person who joins the workforce these days has received a good education, the fundamental manifestation of which is the ability to speak Putonghua, standard Mandarin. Tailai’s education did not suffer in quality, but the difference was immediately obvious the moment he opened his mouth. He had a thick northern Jiangsu accent. He could speak Putonghua if forced to, but he hunched his shoulders at the thought of speaking it, and goose pimples popped up on his neck. So he refused to speak it. Having an accent was no big deal – who didn’t have one, at least a little? But for him, a man with low self-esteem, he was touchy about his accent and in turn became critical of his own speech.