He crooks his head, his ridges scrunching in a way I recognize as confusion. “My agenda for what?”
My heart jerks. “To…um…get me back in your bed.”
He stills. “You believe wrongly, Zinnia. I received word from our Kel that our Qel was very distressed and would benefit from talking to you, her closest friend. I am gifting you this cat, partly in amends for my dishonorable actions on Xalthuria, but also because it would be unconscionable to leave her in the purple forest without claws to defend herself. And as for the field work, holo system, and housing, I am doing all of this because I am Kel Regent. As the Kel Regent of New Terrhan, it is my appointed duty to take care of my people in this manner.”
“Oh…” My entire face heats with embarrassment. “Well…um…you’re doing a really good job.”
He considers me for a tense moment before answering, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” I try to keep my voice as monotone and polite as his, but my head is reeling as I look at all of his words and actions tonight in a new light.
He commanded me to come here. Not to share his bed but to talk to our distressed Qel. He brought me Baby, because she wouldn’t have been able to survive in the purple forest without her claws. He’s building a palace in anticipation of more children, including an heir to carry on his family name, but he’s on a planet filled with human women now. Who says the mother of his future children will be me? Certainly not him.
And as for all those things he said about liking me, even when I had a deformed leg—all those heart-touching words had been spoken in the past tense. A heaviness grows in my chest and my throat burns.
I’ve had low self-esteem for so long, my heart cringes with the realization that I might have become way too full of myself in the months T’Kan and I have been apart. There’s a good chance his reasons for taking on the Kel Regent role had nothing to do with me.
The memory of him turning down Mom’s offer to hold his own child floats across my mind.
In fact, he might not like me like that anymore. Especially since I didn’t provide him with a male heir to carry on his family line. My ribs squeeze remembering how he talked about building a palace. For his future son, not the daughter he already has with me.
“Are you ready to go?” he asks.
“Yes,” I answer.
I follow him out of his bedroom, and off the ship. Not knowing how to feel about all these nice things he’s done. Or the fact that he didn’t do them for me.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
T’Kan
Zin’nia becomes very quiet on our return trip to her humble home. The large smile which had split her face upon seeing the Qel on my personal screen is now gone. And even though her k’vani walks beside her, she shuffles dejectedly with her shoulders slumped.
Though I am still not well-versed in all hu’man mannerisms, I suspect I might have been too adamant in my denial about not doing the tasks she had listed because of her.
Yes, as Kel Regent it was my job to oversee the renovations of New Terrhan and to deal with the needs of the people, but of course I would not have accepted this position if not for her. Did I go too far?
A sudden urge to pull her into my arms comes over me. I want to thank her soundly and impress upon her my still deep feelings…but I do not.
Reminding myself of the vow I made after she stormed out of my throne room, I doggedly turn the subject to another matter. What she said—or rather did not say to our Qel.
“Zin’nia, I am Kel Regent for all of New Terrhan and its people, including you,” I tell her. “If you have any problem, any problem at all, you should inform me.”
She shakes her head. “I…How do I know that I can trust you?”
I take the risk and place my hand on her shoulder, halting her steps. “Look at me, Zin’nia.”
She hesitates for a moment and finally she turns around and raises her head to meet my gaze.
“I know that I have not given you a reason to trust me, but I wish to make things right for you,” I say somberly. “I cannot do that, however, if you do not tell me what the problem is.”
She goes quiet and shifts her gaze away. But then she brings it back and says, “He’s…he’s hurting her.”
My ridges bristle. “You will tell me who this he is.”
“Dan,” she answers with a bitter twist of her mouth.
“Dan? The High Leader? Your brother?” I ask for clarity.
She nods. “He has been beating Nova, his wife—really his girlfriend but I consider her my sister-in-law, and her hybrid daughter, the same as a niece. Anyway, Dan has been hitting Nova for a really long time. He pretends to be some benevolent leader when in fact he’s just a drunken wife beater. Right before the last Breeding Ceremony he broke her wrist…”
She peeps up at me tentatively, and I must work hard to keep my raw anger off my ridges. “Has he hurt her since?” I ask her, clicking and hissing, because I don’t trust myself to keep a reasonable tone in her language.
“I don’t know,” she answers, her voice cracking. “When I lived with them, I used to be able to monitor the situation. Sometimes I could even diffuse Dan before it got too bad. But Dan hasn’t let me see them since I got back. He only trots them out for these pro-men speeches he’s been giving once a week on the colony ship. But she’s always wearing long sleeves, and now both her and Glee have this hollow look in their eyes. I think he’s still hurting her, but making sure nobody sees the bruises.”
She shakes her head with a bitter frown. “He’s so powerful now as High Leader, and his influence grows every day. I’m afraid publicly accusing him of abuse will only play into the race traitor narrative he’s been trying to spin around me. And it might make things even worse for Nova and Glee—”
She cuts off, her eyes filling with tears. “Sorry, it’s just that I came back here to help them, but I haven’t been able to do anything for them—not one damn thing. And it’s not like I can back in even if Dan let me. Now that I’ve given birth to Stevie I can see that me living there never would have worked out. I have to keep her safe. But I need to get them out of there, too. And I just feel so…so helpless. ”
I think of N’Thn in that dark rancid room and commiserate. But I have to ask, “Has he ever hit you, Zin’nia?”
She shakes her head. “Weirdly we have laws against hitting women. He knows I would report him. But Nova—he got to her when she was young and vulnerable, and she has even lower self-esteem than me—which is saying a lot. And though we do have laws against hitting, victims over the age of eighteen must self-report. Also, I’m pretty sure he’s threatened to do something to Glee if she tells anybody. And Nova loves her little girl too much to risk that. He’s just too powerful to go against. Or at least he used to be.”
She once again looks up at me. “I was thinking that maybe as Kel Regent, you could demand Nova and all other women come out of their houses, for, like, a head count or something. Then when she comes out in regular clothes, people will see all of her bruises, and it will expose Dan as the abuser he is.”
My ridges bristle uncontrollably and the blood boils within my veins. Males who strike their wives are considered dishonorable on Xalthuria. Not only can the penalty result in a hefty fine and imprisonment but a public lashing. I have seen Dan’s female, a petite slender woman whose head is always bowed. Dan towers over her. He is twice her size.
My ridges flatten. “You will tell me which dwelling the High Leader resides in.”
“It’s the biggest house in the second row, in that direction.”
She points in the direction I need to go, and I spy the dwelling immediately.
“So tomorrow when you do the headcount thing just make sure you’re standing right there. You know we might even do it during the day, when Dan is at his office on the colony ship. That way—hey where are you going? No, T’Kan, don’t! Don’t!”
I speed toward the house she pointed out, my ridges flat against my forehead.
> “T’Kan! Wait!” she calls after me.
Ignoring her and the handful of villagers who have started to gather, I don’t stop until I reach the front door of the High Leader’s dwelling.
“Fucking bitch. You think you can talk back to me, just because them Xals landed?” a hoarse male voice demands, slurring his words.
“No, don’t! Leave mommy alone!” a smaller voice cries. “You’re hurting her!”
I kick in the door.
Then hiss when I see Dan, delivering kicks to the body curled on the floor.
“Mommy!” cries a little green and brown hybrid girl.
Dan freezes in mid-kick when he spots me. “What are you doing here? I don’t care who you are. You can’t come busting into my—”
Before he can get the words out, I storm across the room, grab him by the neck and slam him into the wall. Then, holding him against the red clay with one arm, I smash my fist in his face with the other. And then I hit him again and hear the satisfying crack of a bone in his nose.
“Please! Mercy!” he manages to cry out.
His pathetic begging only further enrages me. “Did you grant your female such mercy? Or the hybrid in your care?” I hit him with each sentence.
“No! Stop it!” Something is hitting my back and a scream penetrates my haze of rage. It is Zin’nia.
She wraps her arms around her waist and attempts to pull me away from her brother. “Please, stop. You can’t just kill people. And that’s what will happen if you keep on punching him.”
Yes, that is what I want, all I want in this moment. To kill Dan.
But Zin’nia has asked something of me, and I find I still cannot deny her.
I release her brother. And he falls to the ground, an unconscious, bloody mess.
Slowly I turn to see the hybrid girl sobbing uncontrollably over her mother’s body.
I take a step toward them, but the hybrid abruptly stops crying and rushes to get in front of her fallen mother, shielding her from me with her small body.
“No, don’t hurt her!” she screams at me.
“Hurt her? I would never…” I start to answer.
Her small round eyes widen at the sound of my vehement clicks and hisses, and I realize I am only frightening her more. I look down at Dan who is now unrecognizable. A slight rise of his chest indicates he is still breathing, but barely.
She believes as Zin’nia claimed. That I am like Dan. Perhaps even worse.
“It’s okay, he’s not going to hurt you,” Zin’nia assures the little hybrid, rushing over to gather her in her arms. “I’m so sorry he scared you.”
So am I.
Shame slams in my stomach and sits like a heavy boulder. “I will send the medics to tend the wounded,” I tell them in their throat box language.
Then I turn and walk out of the dwelling as quickly as I can.
I do not stop until I am back on my ship. Once there, I comm the medical team and direct them to go to the High Leader’s home to tend to the injured. Then, too restless to return to my sleeping quarters, I head to the throne room and pace.
Images from what happened in that red clay house gouge me like a Kaidorians horn. The little girl shielding her mother from me. Zin’nia screaming at me to stop. The way she had held the girl, apologizing for me. My throat thickens with self-recrimination.
N’Thn, Zin’nia, and now the little hybrid girl. I continue to fail in my duties.
The throne room door suddenly open and L’Rzo steps inside. “My Xar. You have a visitor.”
“I am in no mood for visitors.”
“It is the hu’man Zin’nia.”
Zin’nia….
The breath freezes in my lungs. I cannot see her now. My shame is too great. “Tell her that I will see her tomorrow.”
L’Rzo flaps his ridges, visibly startled. “My Xar, forgive me. I assumed you would receive her as you always do, so I did not make her wait outside the ship…”
Zin’nia storms into the throne room, cutting off my apologetic guard’s explanation. “So you’re just going to send me away?” she asks. “Just like that? After what you did?”
L’Rzo holds up his arm, blocking her. “You were not given leave to enter.”
But I shake my head at the guard, my ridges rippling wearily. I might no longer head the Xalthurian army, but I am still a Xar. I can withstand her fury.
“She may stay, L’Rzo. Give us privacy.”
L’Rzo touches his ridges. “Yes, my Xar.”
As soon as L’Rzo leaves us, she comes charging at me. She points her finger directly into my chest. “I told you I wanted there to be a peaceful resolution. I told you we should wait. But you didn’t listen, you just went in there and started throwing punches. No plan. Nothing.”
I lower my head under the weight of her recriminations. I must forget the vow I made to myself when she left my throne room a week ago, I realize. She will never forgive me…never forgive me for this.
“You said I could trust you,” she reminds me, her voice trembling. “No, don’t look down. Look at me, T’Kan. I want you to see my face when I say this.”
It takes much strength to lift my head. But I do it. I look her in the eye as she requests.
And her brown eyes blaze back at me, she whispers, “Thank you. Thank you. I can never thank you enough!”
Then, before I can process the shock of her words, she jumps into my arms.
Chapter Forty
Zinnia
I kiss him. I kiss him with all my gratitude and all my heart. But eventually I realize…he’s not kissing me back. My legs are wrapped around his waist, and he’s holding on to my sides, ensuring I don’t fall. But he’s not returning my kiss.
I pull back to get a better look at his face. And nothing. He stares back at me, his violet eyes calm. Both his face and his ridges unreadable. Then he lifts me easily off his waist and sets me down in front of him. At arm’s length.
That’s when I remember all the conclusions I’d come to earlier that night. About his being here for duty…for the people of New Terrhan…and not me. About him finding another mate to give him a boy—one who isn’t me.
I remember all of that, and oh moons, it feels like my chest is caving in with this latest confirmation that he truly does not want me.
“I’m…I’m sorry,” I say, unable to look up into his violet eyes. I can’t believe I thought I could just jump into his arms. “I didn’t realize you weren’t into me like that anymore. I mean I thought earlier you might not…but I didn’t fully get it. Not until now. So I’ll… just um…go...”
I silently apologize to Dad for what I plan to do to the bottle of grain alcohol he brought out to toast my birthday. He only keeps it on hand for special occasions, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to take the rest of the bottle to make me forget what happened here tonight—
“You will tell me about Phil.”
The unexpected command sets me to blinking. “Phil. The overseer—I mean the field manager? What about him?”
T’Kan inclines his head at a cold angle. “On the second morn after my assumption of your field work, I heard Phil and some other males speculating about whether I had come to this planet for you, and if your babe had been fathered by me. Phil had replied to his fellow males that it didn’t matter because he had fucked you first. Is this true?”
I full body cringe at the question, but I don’t lie. “Yes. We uh…he uh…we had sex before I met you.”
His ridges flatten. “Are you diseased with love for this human, then?”
“What? No!” I shake my head vehemently.
“Our Qel’s reports stated that human females share their bodies with males for whom they have become diseased with love, even when they are not seeking to breed.”
“Well, um, yes, that’s true,” I answer, cheeks burning. “But it’s also true that we share our bodies when we’re drunk or horny…”
He crooks his head. “I have given every inch of your body great study an
d have come across no horns. Are these appendages something that will grow in later?”
I’d laugh at the misunderstanding if this conversation hadn’t taken such an excruciating turn.
“No, horny means full of lust,” I explain, my voice tight.
He cuts his eyes away. “You were full of lust for this human, Phil, then?”
“More like drunk,” I correct on a grimace. “And stupid. I thought, he liked me. He said he liked me. But then I found out it was a trick. He was basically playing with my emotions so that he could sleep with me.”
T’Kan’s ridges scrunch and before he can ask another embarrassing vocabulary question, I explain, “Sleeping with is a euphemism for sex.”
“Your New Terrhan language is unnecessarily confusing,” he informs me with an irritated hiss. But then his expression sobers. “Back on Xalthuria you believed me to be like Phil after our Kel told you of my duplicity. You thought I had only said the things I said to trick you into sharing my mats. That is why you refused to have further discussion with me, why you severed our relationship and left the planet without allowing me explanation.”
The memory of Kira informing me that the alien I’d grown so attached to had done nothing but lie to me since giving me a translation chip, hits me like a punch in the gut. And it feels like I’m still choking on that hit when I answer, “Yes, that’s exactly why.”
He goes quiet, his ridges vibrating in a way I can’t translate. And suddenly I no longer want to. “You know what, forget that kiss,” I say, raising my hands. “You Xalthurians take what you want, and you don’t apologize. I get it. And now you’re here and on the prowl for another human female, who can give you a male baby. I’ll just have to live with it. I’ll figure out how to live with it.”
T’Kan shakes his head. “I will not apologize for my actions on Xalthuria.”
Of course, he wouldn’t. And it doesn’t matter, I decide, because… “The main point is thanks for everything you did for Nova and Glee tonight, for getting them out of that situation. I’ll always be grateful, and you don’t have to apologize, because that’s automatic forgiveness in my book. So, we’re even Steven.”
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