From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: At Last!
Date: 29 April
Dear, Babe
Email at last? Fantastic! Well, if you’re sure you’re safe in Basra then we may get off to Whitby tomorrow and air the van.
We remember the trip to Wales – of course we do! We stayed at a lovely campsite near St Davids. You insisted I pull into a layby as we headed down the hill towards the caravan site to look at the sunset across the bay. It’s where Simon taught you to surf. You fought like cat and dog over that bloody surf board for the rest of the week, God only knows why we didn’t buy two – oh, Mammy just said there was only one blue one in the shop and you both wanted it. There was a lovely fish and chip shop in St Davids. She remembers that you insisted on battered sausage, awkward little bugger! Oh, she’s just lifted her head from her book to say you were definitely thirteen when we went to Wales because Simon had just finished his exams and went into the lower sixth that September.
I don’t know what’s got into Mammy these past couple of weeks but she’s changed – much more positive. I don’t think she’s changed her medication, though. Anyway, you know where we are. Mobile will be on. Phone when you can.
KYHD.
Love you babe, Dad xx
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Email
Date: 2 May
Josh
I wanted to let you know that we have email now. This is my email address (obviously). Probably best if we correspond via email from now on as it will be more immediate for sorting everything out.
Polly
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Bits and Bobs
Date: 3 May
Dear, Gethyn
Sorry I didn’t write back when I promised. I fell into bed, shattered.
I meant to say, I had no idea Polly had been to see Anya while she was in Appledart. Oh dear. I see what you mean about people acting out their card readings, but having spent some time with
Anya, she doesn’t seem to be a con-woman, in fact, she never touts for business and I don’t believe she has ever sought out customers (perhaps ‘clients’ would be a better term?). But maybe that’s the point - with a master of deception, you’ll never know if you’ve been deceived. One universal truth I do know is this: I always know when one of Anya’s clients arrives at the café because, on the whole, they carry a tangible sadness with them – and that must be a kind of energy, surely. But when they leave, they seem much lighter of spirit. So perhaps, whether there is truth in the cards - or the stars - or anything else a lost soul might turn to in time of need, Anya does provide comfort, but I do agree with you that it could possiblly lead a person in a certain direction. I suppose it depends how the individual concerned interprets her words. Perhaps you should cross her palm with silver? You could make a better judgement then.
In other news, hopefully Polly will have filled you in with all the latest goings on in the café and our impending visit by Nathan Browne (or have I done this already? I’m forgetting which one of you I have told what?). Regarding my latest dreaded manuscript, I haven’t written a word and have finally properly fessed up to Isabella and seem to have been given some breathing space. Also, my friends who own the café are fully engrossed in their life in Antarctica. They seem almost disinterested in Appledart, but that’s what happens when you find a new and exciting love, the fickle heart can forget how much it adored its previous lover. In the deepest, most secret recess of my heart, I hope they stay away for good - then perhaps I could buy the café? Now wouldn’t that be heavenly, although, to return to the analogy of the lovers, perhaps I want and appreciate Appledart all the more because I know I can’t have it forever. Perhaps if my dream was granted, I wouldn’t want it after a while; the chase would be gone (I’ve gone and depressed myself now).
In your last letter you seemed a little lost. Do you have a particular dream? Something you want to do in the future? Perhaps you could focus on that, and every time you feel down, bring the image of the dream back into your head and focus on your future. I know we should live for today and not for tomorrow, but sometimes, when your day-to-day is shitty (and there is no point pretending life in Iraq is anything but shitty) then it pays to focus on the future. Polly tells me you’re in a relationship? Maybe you could focus on your future with your partner? Sorry if this advice is nonsense. I cannot begin to fully comprehend what it’s like to go to war. I’m sure you will look back and remember some happy times, like dancing with Polly in your tent, but on the whole, it’s probably something you just get through and then move on from. Finally, don’t be deceived by Polly’s angelic face and thousand watt smile, she was struggling to cope until you appeared in her life. You should take great heart knowing that you have been a light-worker, conjuring up joy where Polly had found only sadness.
Yours, Aggie
P.S. Keep away from the booze (it’s easy to turn to demon liquor at times like this).
P.P.S. Regarding the ‘two horse, one rider’ question, Ishmael and Anya ride on Jekyll together (he’s a massive shire horse so can easily take the weight). Why did you ask?
P.P.P.S. What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don’t get some support soon, people are going to think we’re nuts.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Bits and Bobs
Date: 4 May
Hi, Aggie
If only we did have booze to turn to (although we do still have that one bottle you sent). How are the customers? Still confessing their sins?
G
P.S. I didn’t ask about the horse for any particular reason, just nosy.
P.P.S. Did Nathan pitch up?
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Bits and Bobs
Date: 5 May
Dear, Gethyn
False alarm on the Nathan front. He was a double glazing salesman. I’m afraid I have no gossip today (note to self, must try harder in café to prise juicy bits out of customers!). As the café is (relatively) expensive to reach (train, accommodation, boat transfer) my congregation tend to be a middle class bunch and my ‘confessional over coffee’ concentrates on stereotypically middle class woes? You know - affairs, debt, murder (the usual). You’re up late again?
Ag
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Bits and Bobs
Date: 6 May
Take it from a doctor who has heard many a confessional, woes are woes, and they usually boil down to the following issues … abandonment, control, deception, money and grief. But when you really get down to the nitty gritty of any kind of emotional angst, you may find that only word to surmise any problem is this – fear.
G
P.S. It’s only 1am in Iraq. That’s early for me.
P.P.S. Any writing done? I’m waiting for the next book to come out!
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bits and Bobs
Date: 5 May
Early? I’m usually out of it by 9.30pm.
No writing done. I seem to be listening to stories rather than writing them and finding it even more difficult to return to my novel because I’m getting so confused about people – no one seems to be as they appear and it worries me regarding my writing. Since our communication has begun, every time I sit down to write, I’m overthinking everything. On the plus side, I’m finding taking a break from my imaginary friends quite refreshing – they’re a needy bunch!
A
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bits and Bobs
Date: 6 May
Hi, Aggie
I wish I had never said anything about your books and cringe when I think of that first letter, but to be fair, do remember that I was writing for the first time to a real author, and I confess that I was trying to impress you (it’s just typical that I made a hash of it).
In terms of character, I think most of us do blunder from one page in our lives to the next, in the most part with good intentions, even if we cock up and are selfish sods along the way. We can’t ever all know each other completely (would we even want to?), so why should you know your characters’ innermost thoughts – give them some space. Most of the people I know are just ordinary folk getting on with their lives, and other than the occasional eccentric millionaire, the people in your books are just ordinary folk too, not mass-murdering psychopaths. Don’t overthink it (and yes, I know I’m going against my initial advice, but that was all a load of crap). Perhaps allow other authors to enter into the darker side of the species and stick with romance, i.e. ‘Let other pens dwell on grief and misery’ (how on Earth do I remember that quote?).
Your books sell well and I’ve loved all of them. Don’t change, and more importantly, don’t worry – it’s only words!
G
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bits and Bobs
Date: 5 May
You are not only quoting Austen but the Bee Gees now, too! And you’ve proved my point, exactly. I am flabbergasted you can quote Austen - should a doctor from the valleys be able to quote Austen? This is madness.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bits and Bobs
Date: 4 May
Don’t worry. That Austen quote is the only line I can remember form my O Level English Lit (and I’ve been waiting twenty years for a conversation to develop in such a way to allow me to use it!).
By the way, I’ve done as you said and written down my dream. Whenever I feel low, I take the piece of paper out of my pocket, imagine the scenario and smile. Maybe one day my dream will come true, but for now, it’s bed time for me.
Good night, Agatha Braithwaite
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bits and Bobs
Date: 5 May
Sweet dreams. Gethyn Evans
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: I’m a Dick
Date: 9 May
Hi, Pollyanna Fish-face
What’s my little sis doing in the big bad desert, then? Dad tells me you’re in Iraq, which means I can’t leave you alone for two minutes without you getting into trouble. Life in Australia is great. Loads going on. Just in case you’re too busy to reply (you know how unreliable you are) I’ve written a reply email for you. All you have to do is delete the words that don’t apply then cut and paste onto a new email. Here you go:
Hi Simon, my beloved/adored/despised brother
I miss/hate/want to kill you so much. Life here in Iraq is great/shit/abysmal. I’ve found/shagged/shot Saddam Hussein and I’m ready to go home to Blighty for tea and cake/medals/defleeing. I have missed/adored/wanted to kill you every day since you left home. I’m happy/pissed off/suicidal at the thought of carrying the burden of looking after Mum and Dad in their dotage and all I want is for you to be happy/sad/dead in your new life. On the whole I’m a happy/carefree/lonely single woman without Josh and I’m having the best/worst/most horrific time of my life.
Love you, you’re the best/worst/most mediocre brother in the whole world.
Your adoring/irritated/insane sister, Pollyanna Fishface
Take care and don’t get blown up!
Love ya, Si
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: I’m a Dick
Subject: Re: I’m a Dick
Date: 9 May
Hi Si
Well, it’s about time. Yes, you are a dick. Here’s my reply. I’ve added a few bits:
Hi Simon, my beloved brother
I miss you so much. Life here in Iraq is abysmal. I’ve not seen Saddam Hussein and I’m ready to go home to Blighty for tea and de-fleeing. I have wanted to kill you every day since you left home.
I’m happy at the thought of carrying the burden of looking after Mum and Dad in their dotage (but I would rather do it with you) and all I want is for you to be happy in your new life (in England). On the whole I’m a lonely single woman without Josh and I’m having the most horrific time of my life. I miss my brother more than he could ever know.
Love you, you’re the worst brother in the whole world (because you left me).
Your adoring sister, Pollyanna Fishface
Yep, that just about sums things up. So, how’s it really going for you, down under? No bullshit this time.
Polly
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: On the move
Date: 12 May
Dear Aggie
I have news. I’m definitely going to Basra Palace next week and then I’m flying home, date TBC. I’m pleased, but I will miss my little friend, Pollyanna.
What’s the weather like these days in Scotland? Who have you had in the café this week? Polly was laughing because we were talking about you taking a self-imposed Hippocratic oath as a café owner, but she reckons you won’t be able to resist spilling the beans … so come on, who have your most entertaining customers been to date, and what’s the latest on Nathan Browne?
G
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Lazy Bones
Date: 13 May
Hi Polly
You’re welcome regarding the house renovations, but if you really want to know what you were doing while I was lost in DIY SOS, then I’m afraid you were devouring 25 Beautiful Homes magazine while drinking coffee and resting your arse on the AGA. I didn’t mind. You looked happy during those times.
Josh
From: [email protected]
To:[email protected]
Subject: My Future
Date: 13 May
Hi, Polly
Your letter got me thinking about my future – what type of a woman will I be when I’m sixty? Where will I be?
You’ll love this … I closed my eyes and a really clear image came to mind – it was awesome. I was standing outside my villa in Spain with a glass of wine in my hand, a loving partner cooking up a storm in the kitchen and lots of lovely guests arriving for a party. Future me is cool, she doesn’t sweat the small stuff. She exercises regularly (a yoga buff, I think) but eats well and when she eats she enjoys every mouthful. She’s still sexy at sixty, and she’s sexy because she’s full of joy. In sum, I LOVE me at sixty. What about you? Who will you be at sixty?
But back to now, is it all over now you’re in Basra? I thought we were still at war? Gethyn wrote that he’s moving on. One minute you were in the midst of battle and the next it all seems to have ended? I’m confused.
Life in Appledart continues in the same vein - peaceful. I’m considering turning in my quill and inkpot for good, selling up in Yorkshire (sod Mum) and building a house next to Ishmael overlooking the beach. We’ve had two false alarms on the Nathan Browne front, but at least Shaun and Hector are keen to help out. The second false alarm was indeed a silver fox type chap and was fairly good-looking, but he was on a pilgrimage to the café because (wait for it) … he’d lost his job, his wife had recently had a wild affair and left him for his brother and taken everything with her, and he is now living in a bedsit in Wolverhampton. To add insult to injury, while sitting in the doctor’s surgery waiting for the results of a testicular cancer test (I know, this man has seriously shit-out) he was chatting to a woman who had visited Anya two years before and her li
fe had been on the up ever since. So he spent the last cash he had on giving Anya a go. He was too depressed to notice he had been held hostage in the pub by Shaun for four hours, and, thank the Lord, he left Anya’s house with a smile on his face and a spring in his step.
The other false alarm was a double glazing salesman who also spreads the word or our Lord during his travels. Poor chap was the cusp of losing his faith. He spent several hours with Ishmael in the café and, not surprisingly, left even more of a confused man (Ishmael is particularly well-read and can bamboozle even the best of us with his unique mix of spirituality, science knowhow and – occasionally - common sense). So, we’re still on the lookout for Nathan, but at least Isabella has stopped crying and has started to dress well rather than impersonate a bag lady. Ta ta for now.
Aggie
P.S. Any details on Gethyn’s relationship? Obviously, I’m just interested, not ‘interested’. He seems like a nice chap.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Between Friends Page 16
