by S S Bazinet
He reached for his wallet, grabbing at some bills and throwing them on the table. “So sorry about this,” he groaned as he pushed out from the booth.
Carol seemed to understand his distress. “Please Arel, leave your phone number or email address. We’ll do this another time.”
“Email?” He blurted his address out without much thought. He was already in motion, making his legs hold him upright, making them find a path out of the damnable place that was supposed to be a simple diner. He could feel Carol and Peggy’s eyes on him as he rushed to the door. His floundering limbs battled to open it. Once he managed the almost impossible feat, he fled into the open air. Gasping, he looked around, not knowing what he was looking for. He remembered his car. Where was it parked? Before he got the answer, he remembered Carol’s face. Or was it Justina’s face? He stumbled over to a street lamp and grabbed hold to steady himself.
Arel, it’s alright. Carol has no connection to Justina.
He heard Michael’s voice in his head. It had been in the background, trying to get through. Now he was able to listen to what he was being told.
Are you positive, Michael?
It was just your fears, nothing more.
Thank goodness!
Relief swept over him, leaving him in a state that teetered between euphoria and collapse. His instincts were quick to remind him that he was in a public area. He forced himself to stand up again and keep moving towards his car.
Dear god, Michael, I’ve been a twitching bundle of nerves and craziness tonight. I’ve been shy, even awkward before, but this evening I was some kind of first class clown. You were there, I know it. I could feel your presence.
Yes, I was there.
Arel let out a scoffing laugh.
You saw me. I was paranoia unleashed, hardly able to sit for two minutes in that booth. I know I stared at that Peggy woman like she was the devil incarnate. I don’t know what she and Carol think about me, but if they look back on this night as a low point in social graces, it’ll be a valid judgment.
Michael laughed too, but it was an understanding laugh.
You haven’t been out in the world for a while.
It’s more than that.
Arel went over his performance again. If he could have felt sorry for himself, it would have been comforting. Instead, shame and humiliation made him cringe. In earlier periods of his life, when he fought the vampire curse, he could feel good about never giving in to its desires. He’d had a sense of pride and honor in his strength. Now, no matter how hard he tried, his fears always got the upper hand.
He retreated from his conversation with Michael and started talking to himself.
Forget it, just go home.
When he reached the car, he got in and started the engine.
But what am I going back to, a house full of stuff that I’ve collected? A closet full of expensive clothes?
He’d surrounded himself with material possessions, like a ghost trying to hold on to the physical world. But he didn’t belong in the physical world.
I am a ghost. I have no power over anything, especially my life. There’s nothing here for me, nothing to hold on to.
It was a strangely freeing thought and different from the idea of giving up. In the past, he’d held himself up to some kind of standard, some kind of measure of what a man should be. When he failed those standards, he felt hopeless. But that wasn’t the case for a ghost. A ghost was beyond the world and its standards.
He began to mumble aloud. “I guess you’re right, Michael. Fighting is getting me nowhere. I need to simply accept what I am, a walking phantom, and that’s okay.”
If he simply let go and embraced the nothingness in him, he’d have no obligations anymore. He’d be that lost spirit that finally lets the light take him back, like in the movies.
His breath caught when the solution presented itself. The sun was that light. All these years it had been there for him, waiting to take him out of the world. He was so afraid of what that meant. Now, the fear was replaced by a sense of liberation.
Michael’s voice broke through his musings.
Surrendering to despair isn’t what I was recommending.
Arel smiled. “It doesn’t feel like despair. I feel calm about it all.” He put the car in gear and eased off of the brake. As the car pulled away from the parking space, he had a new goal. He wasn’t going home. He was headed for the freeway.
Michael was still trying to get through.
What are you going to do?
“If I start now, I can drive far enough away to find a place that’s deserted, a place out in the open where I won’t be able to change my mind. At least I still have the sun on my side. It’ll solve everything.”
That’s not the answer. Besides, you don’t want to burn yourself out of existence, do you?
Arel’s hands tightened on the steering wheel. For a moment, he couldn’t swallow the lump in his throat. The thought of fire almost made him turn around. It was followed by an even more needy thought. Once and for all, he had to stop caving in to what scared him. He had to be free. “I’m not afraid anymore, Michael. Be happy for me.”
Michael’s tone was stern.
You’re making a mistake.
He laughed. “It’s what I do, and now I’m okay with that.”
Twenty-Five
PEGGY SAT STARING at the diner’s exit door. She couldn’t figure out what just happened. How did she go from feeling like a friend helping out a friend, to feeling like a horrible person? No matter how she tried to excuse her actions, she’d done something to make Carol’s friend, Arel, look like a frightened rabbit facing its doom. She knew she had a reputation for being forthright, even outspoken. But no one had ever looked at her like she was going to have them for dinner. She felt even worse when the waitress came over to the booth and gave her a look of concern.
“Is your friend okay?” the heavy-boned woman asked. “He left in a hurry.”
Peggy frowned at her. The stocky woman had been their original waitress. The slim, gorgeous one who had helped out earlier had disappeared. “I don’t know exactly why he left.”
“He wasn’t feeling well,” Carol offered.
The waitress glanced at the table and noticed the money sitting there. Two crisp, hundred dollar bills were waiting for her. She glanced at the door again, then back at the money.
“He’s a big tipper. Hope he comes back.”
“I wouldn’t count on it,” Peggy said.
The waitress swiped up the money and tucked it into her apron. “Well, you two gals have a nice evening,” she said as she moved away.
Carol sighed. “Arel just got here, and now he’s gone. I’m more worried about him than I was before, but I guess that’s me being silly, isn’t it?”
When Peggy didn’t answer, Carol ignored her silence. “Are you ready to go?”
Peggy shook her head. “You’re not being silly. I’ve never seen a human being that looked as wretched as your Arel. When I grabbed his hand, did you notice how his body went all weird? I thought he was going to pass out.”
Carol put her napkin on the table and unfolded its bent edges. “Maybe you’re reading things into his reaction. It wasn’t your fault that he was jumpy.”
“I guess so, but he was so thin and . . . sad. You never told me how sad he was.”
“He didn’t seem that way when we chatted. He was always being funny or telling me stories about his hotline heroics.”
“Are you kidding? That guy couldn’t rescue a bird that fell out of its nest. When he was leaving, I didn’t think he’d get the door open.”
Carol let out a short burst of laughter. “I’m sorry. I’m not laughing at Arel. I’m laughing at myself. If I don’t laugh, I think I’ll cry.” She bit down on her lip. “I can’t believe that I could be so wrong about everything.”
Peggy rallied. She had to stop thinking about herself and make sure Carol was okay. “Don’t blame yourself. Sad or not, he lied to you.”
“Yes, but now I know why. He must not have any friends, anyone to turn to.”
Peggy sat back, remembering Arel’s face, but not the frightened one. She pushed that image aside, sat up straighter, and tried to find something positive to say. “He does have potential, if he could get a grip.”
“Yes, I agree,” Carol said with a sniffle. She snatched the napkin from the table and rubbed at her nose. “I guess I have to think of him as being okay.”
“That’s right,” Peggy insisted. Carol was a softy. She needed a friend who was strong, not someone to make her feel worse. “I was wrong. We’re both being silly. He’ll be fine.”
Carol brightened. “You think so?”
“Sure,” Peggy said with a smile. She almost had herself convinced until she remembered something disturbing again. “But there is something about his eyes.”
“I thought they were very nice.”
“They were, but they were so intense.” Peggy had a twinge of queasiness as soon as she acknowledged Arel’s consuming gaze. It was her body’s instinctive reaction when something was wrong. It acted as a warning.
Forget his eyes! Go home and forget Arel.
“Intense? In a bad way?” Carol asked.
Peggy shrugged and tried to laugh off her sudden nausea. “No, I just think his eyes are different, like they have x-ray vision.”
It was true. Even if Arel’s body looked gaunt and frail, his eyes were penetrating, golden lasers. They seemed to breach her outer persona effortlessly. They had the capacity to go deeper, stirring up memories she couldn’t quite bring to mind, memories she knew she didn’t want to examine. She nudged Carol. “We should get going.”
Carol retrieved her purse. “Who knows, maybe Arel is special after all.”
Peggy began to gather up her things. She didn’t want to think about Arel anymore. She paused and gave Carol an inquiring look. “Special or not, you’re dating Kevin now. How is that going?”
Carol blushed. “It’s good.”
Peggy smiled again. Her brother needed someone who was sweet and nurturing like Carol. “I’m really happy to hear that.”
“You were right when you told me about an actual relationship being very different than chatting.”
“Relationship?”
Carol smiled too. “Stop it, you know what I mean. I enjoy going out with him.”
“Good, I was hoping you’d like the big dope.”
“Peggy, Kevin’s not a dope.”
“I’m kidding. I know he’s a great guy, but don’t forget that he’s my brother. I tend to still see him as a big kid.” She rubbed her upset stomach and sighed. “The bottom line is that I want Kevin to be happy. I’m thrilled that you two hit it off.”
“Me too.”
Peggy glanced at her watch. “It’s getting late, and Tim and I have a few things to go over this evening. He’s been a peach with all the wedding details.”
“From what you’ve said, he’s supportive and dependable.”
“One hundred percent dependable. Ever since we were kids, Tim has always been the one with the level head and a heart of gold.”
“You’re a lucky woman.”
“Yes, I know.” Peggy slid out of the booth. Standing up, she took a deep breath. It made her stomach churn again. She tried to pass it off as something she’d eaten that didn’t sit well. The idea that it was a bad omen wasn’t a welcome one. She didn’t like her premonitions. The first one occurred right before her dad received news of her grandma’s passing. Another time, Kevin fell from a tree and broke his leg.
Carol let herself out of the booth too. “What’s that look?”
Peggy grabbed her stomach again. “Arel said he had a bug. You don’t think he could have given it to me this fast, do you?”
Carol took hold of Peggy’s arm and led her forward. “Do you know what I think? I think that you’re very sensitive, that you sometimes act like you’re tougher than you are.”
Peggy shrugged. “Maybe you’re right. Do any of us really know ourselves?”
Twenty-Six
AFTER PEGGY DROPPED Carol off at her apartment, she pulled out of the complex and got on the road as quickly as possible. Her stomach was still acting up, and she was happy to be going home. Tim would be waiting for her. He’d serve her a cup of chamomile tea and help her to relax.
Once she was out on a main street and stopped at a light, she fidgeted with the car radio. She needed to put the whole diner disaster behind her. Some upbeat tunes always put her in a better mood. Unfortunately, all her favorite stations were on commercial breaks. She switched off the radio with a sigh. Why was she so nervous? Why did she keep thinking about Arel?
When the light turned green, she pressed down hard on the gas pedal. Her intention to forget about the man she’d only met briefly wasn’t working.
And it’s my own fault! I’m the one that had to go and grab him.
Touching Arel’s hand had been a big mistake. Not only did Arel go bonkers, she’d had her own reaction. She’d felt a connection, like she knew him from somewhere. But it wasn’t like remembering an old friend. It was like remembering a bad dream. Just thinking about it again made her stomach do a couple of flips.
Her nausea was getting worse. It was turning into a gripping pain in her gut. Half keeping an eye on the road, she flipped open the glove compartment. She felt around, hopeful that she’d find some antacid tablets that Tim had thrown in.
“This has to be a flu bug,” she moaned as she sat up empty handed. As soon as she said it, her mouth went dry. She knew that she was lying to herself. Her body was trying to tell her something. Could she be having another premonition? Was one of her loved ones in danger?
Tim is safe at home. And I’m sure that Kevin is watching the game on TV.
When she thought about her parents in Florida, no red flags came up.
Come on, Peggy, get it together.
Carol was right about her. She did put on a tough act, but at times she didn’t feel tough at all, especially if she was anxious about her family and friends.
Stop stressing. Think about something that makes you happy.
She was going to be Mrs. Timothy Werner soon. It was a dream come true, something she’d fantasized about since she was ten years old. Now, Tim was her rock, the person who was always there for her.
I’ll be home in ten minutes. I’ll be fine once I see Tim.
She smiled with anticipation and noticed a slight reprieve from her gut. The pain eased off a little as she was about to change lanes. Doing a quick check for traffic, she glanced at her rear view mirror.
“Oh my god!” She didn’t see any cars. She saw Arel’s golden eyes staring back at her, making her lose control, making her swerve into the other lane. A fast approaching car, coming up on her right side, gave her the horn.
Like the two events weren’t enough to totally unnerve her, another pain shot through her lower tract, sending out signals that something terrible was about to happen.
No, its not. Arel did give me his flu bug. That’s the connection, that’s why I’m thinking about him and seeing things.
She had to keep her mind on her driving, on the red light ahead. She was coming up on it too quickly, but her mind and her body were out of sync. She hit the brakes too hard and too soon. There was a sudden jolt as the car behind her, a big SUV, slammed into her small compact. She let out a shriek as she was thrown forward and back in a violent, jerking motion. It was so fast, so unexpected. For an instant, she blacked out. She lost touch with time and with what was happening to her. Instead, she saw Arel staring at her again, but this time his face was so young and innocent.
I do know you. You’re not a stranger!
Recognition was accompanied by dread. Her body shuddered as a grisly scene opened up and revealed more details. It was nighttime, and this younger Arel was bloodied and bruised. He was surrounded by men who were jeering and spitting on him as they pulled him forward along a narrow street. His hands
were tied behind his back. His clothes were coarse garments that were torn and dirty and stained with blood. He was faltering, barely able to walk. When he glanced back at her again, his tormented eyes were lit up by the torches that people were carrying.
Oh god, what are they going to do to you?
Their minds connected the moment she asked the question. She knew what he was thinking. She could access his thoughts as though they were her own. He was apologizing to her.
“I’m so sorry that I couldn’t protect you. I’m so sorry.”
He wasn’t afraid for himself, but for her. His helplessness, his failure to be there for her was a burden of sorrow that overshadowed his physical misery.
She answered him in a sobbing, miserable shriek.
But it’s not your fault! I’m to blame for this!
She knew that she was the one who was responsible for what was going to happen to him. In that moment, she also knew that she was going to lose him, that he was being dragged to his death. The feeling was so all consuming that her heart shattered with grief. Everything that she loved was taken from her in that moment.
* * * * *
Peggy opened her eyes, trying to make sense of where she was. She remembered the accident and being hit from behind. She was still in her car, but every time she tried to move, a paralyzing pain kept her in her seat. There was also the pain of her recent vision, with all its horrible implications. She didn’t realize that she was sobbing until she saw the kind face of an older woman who had opened her car door.
“Try not to cry, my dear,” the lady said as she squeezed Peggy’s hand. “Someone has already called 911. Help will be here soon.”
Peggy wished that she could stop the tears. But there were too many. But it wasn’t the first time in her life that she felt inconsolable.
* * * * *
When Peggy was four years old, she was playing with her dolls, mothering them, giving them their bottles, kissing them. She didn’t pay attention to the movie that her father was watching on television in the next room. But suddenly her world of sweetness and make-believe was interrupted by a high-pitched scream. Peggy’s four-year- old ears had never heard a sound like that. But it was a sound that every human being, no matter how young or small, recognizes. It was a sound of someone being hurt in the most horrible way. Peggy ran for safety, seeking out her father’s arms. That’s when she saw the television set. Her father was watching a movie about Joan of Arc. Peggy put her hands over her ears, trying to shut out the horror of a woman being burned alive. But it was too late. When she saw the woman engulfed in fire, Peggy began screaming too.
