by S S Bazinet
Steady, man. Kevin is hurting. You know all about that. He just needs your patience, your wisdom.
“Listen Kevin, that dream is tearing you up inside. You have to find out why.”
“Like hell I do.”
Arel put his hands together in a gesture of good will. “Please, my friend, work with me.”
“Back off, Arel!”
“Fine,” Arel whispered through clenched teeth. He retreated, feeling his fragile nerves being tested to their limits. He knew it was the consommé thing all over again. Kevin was being totally uncooperative just like when he was sick with the stomach bug. Now Arel’s stomach was in a knot of aggravation. He knew he should leave quietly, that he wasn’t going to make Kevin budge. He even turned towards the exit. Then Carol’s face appeared. She was trying very hard to be strong and to shoulder the responsibility of a child by herself. It seemed so unfair that Arel stopped in his tracks, glared back at Kevin, and let his feelings have their way. They came out in a seething order. “Just open up Kevin! Try the damn soup!”
Kevin’s eyes widened in surprise. “What the hell are you talking about?”
Arel blinked a couple of times when he realized what he’d said. “Uh . . . sorry, I meant . . . just tell me what’s eating you. I know the dream is disturbing. Let’s—”
“Soup! Dreams! You’re nuts, Arel. I should have never asked for your help!”
Arel was about to yell something back when he felt a flare go off in his gut. It was a warning. At this point, he wasn’t just upset with Kevin. If he didn’t stop himself, he’d make another terrible mistake. He couldn’t let that happen. “Fine, do whatever you want. It’s obvious that you don’t need what I have to offer.”
Kevin’s eyes darkened. “So that’s it? You’re giving up? Did I give up on you? Do you know how tough it was to keep listening to you whine every morning when I coached you? But I hung in there, didn’t I?”
Arel knew Kevin was right about staying the course, but he didn’t know if he could trust himself or control his emotions. He’d give it one more try. “Fine, I’ll stay,” he said as he walked over to the sofa and sat down again.
“Don’t hurt yourself,” Kevin said caustically. “If it’s such a big deal to help out a friend, just get the hell out, now!”
Arel never thought something could snap in his brain so fast. But Kevin managed to push him too far. He wouldn’t let his gut get out of control, but he sure as hell could let the young man know he wasn’t helping himself. Jumping up from his seat, he went over to Kevin and grabbed the front of his shirt. “Dammit, Kevin, if you want Carol back, you’ll tell me about the damn dream! Otherwise, you can sit here forever feeling sorry for yourself! It’s your choice. Start talking or I’m out of here!”
Kevin pulled back, clearly impressed by Arel’s volume and directness. “Crap almighty, Arel! It’s not a big deal. Not a big deal at all. It was just a dream about an old man, a dirty old man, a disgusting old man.” He heaved out a sigh of loathing. “There, are you satisfied?”
Arel held on to Kevin’s shirt. “Go on. Tell me more.”
Kevin stared back almost helplessly. He was clearly intimidated by the fiery stance Arel was taking. He removed Arel’s hand and pushed himself into a standing position. “You’re not going to let it go, are you?”
Arel could feel himself calming down. After he let off a little steam he felt more relaxed. But he was serious about what he’d said to Kevin. “No, I’m not letting anything go,” he said in a quiet whisper.
Kevin let out another groan. “The dream is always the same. There’s an old man in it. He’s all screwed up. His legs are covered in sores and useless. The place where he lives is dark and depressing as hell.”
Listening to Kevin’s description, Arel closed his eyes. He saw the old man very clearly. He saw the squalid dwelling in detail, from the thatched roof to the dirt floor. But he wasn’t just seeing Kevin’s nightmare. Kevin was describing a place and a person that Arel remembered too. As more details flooded in, he looked at Kevin. “You’re wrong about the old man. He was a good person.”
Kevin fired back an angry scowl. “What the hell do you mean? It was my dream. How would you know about the guy?”
Arel maintained a steady gaze as he stared at Kevin. “The old man was always trying to help us.”
“What do you mean by ‘us,’ Arel? I think you’ve gone around the bend.”
Arel smiled and shut his eyes again. He let himself connect with a vivid scene that appeared in his mind’s eye. “I’m just telling you how it really was. The world outside of the old man’s hut was harsh and cruel, but the old man’s home was a refuge. And when he looked at me, he could make me forget everything for a little while. I felt safe.”
“Safe? Are you kidding? Just the thought of the old bastard scares the hell out of me. Besides, it was just a dream, a nightmare.”
Arel felt himself drifting. “I wouldn’t be too sure about that.”
Kevin held his ribs as he walked back to where Arel was standing. “You’re scaring me, Arel. Wake up or open your eyes or something.”
“It’s too late,” Arel sighed. Reality was shifting. Energy was stirring as he connected deeply with an old man’s kindness and a feeling that he was a young boy again. He was a boy in a long ago lifetime. He was a boy who was seeking wisdom at the feet of his beloved teacher. As he allowed the vision to take hold of him, he didn’t feel confused anymore. He didn’t need to fight Kevin or himself. He could simply enjoy a complete moment of peace.
Kevin reacted by taking hold of his shoulders and shaking him. “Arel, please, look at me!”
Arel took a deep breath, feeling at ease, no longer burdened by a duty to help. Compassion replaced control when he thought of Kevin. “Are you sure that’s what you want?”
“Yes, dammit!” Kevin cried out.
His sharp demand was enough to do the rest. Again something inside of Arel took charge. But it wasn’t something to be feared. Arel knew the power he was tapped into. He’d felt it in Michael. When his lids slid open and he gazed at Kevin, he experienced a feeling of complete and utter serenity.
Kevin let go of him at once. “Holy crap!”
* * * * *
Kevin couldn’t stop staring at Arel’s eyes. They were golden, illuminated spheres that held him captive, immobilizing him. He was the moth drawn to their bright mystery, to their seductive whisperings.
Never moving, Arel spoke to him in the softest voice. “If you let their energy consume you, it’ll burn away the fear. It’ll help you to face the nightmare you’ve been trying to escape.”
Kevin swayed unsteadily. He was incapable of fighting the beguiling message. His legs began to buckle. He began to fall, but Arel was gripping his arms. Arel’s steady gaze seemed to grow in strength. It contained a golden fire, a fire that consumed the person who Kevin thought himself to be. His world began to spin faster and faster. He couldn’t hold on to anything. When the spinning stopped, he was back in the old man’s hovel. He was dreaming again, but he wasn’t just observing this time. He was in the old man’s body. His limbs were weak and withered. He was bent with age and years of toil and hardship. When he tried to move his legs, they didn’t have the strength to respond. A feeling of profound uselessness came over him.
“Are you alright?”
The question came from a young man sitting across from him. As soon as he looked up at the boy, he felt better and smiled.
“Yes, my son. Don’t worry about me.”
The boy immediately dipped a coarsely woven cloth in a bowl of water laced with herbs. He began to clean the open sores on Kevin’s crippled legs. His touch was gentle and soothing. When the boy paused and looked up, he had the most beautiful, clear blue gaze of innocence. When the boy spoke, his voice was filled with need and wonder.
“Teach me, father, please. Tell me about what you know.”
Kevin’s chest tightened. The old man was childless. The term ‘father’ was one of respe
ct. His eyes misted over as he reached out and tousled the boy’s hair with his bony, gnarled hand. He loved this boy as much as if he were his son. So many young people in the village were coarse and ignorant, adopting the ways and limiting beliefs of their parents and their religion. This boy was different. He was always eager to learn and help others.
“Please,” the boy said in a fervent voice. “I want to know how to be a good person.”
Kevin felt his heart lighten. He could still teach. He could still try to help those who were bright stars in an otherwise dreary, cruel world. “Very well, but you have to be very careful. The things that I teach aren’t the things that are wanted in these times.”
“Why? I don’t understand.”
“My ways are different, and people mistrust what I teach.”
The boy reached out to him, putting his hand on the old man’s arm. “Thank you for your knowledge and wisdom, father.”
Kevin closed his eyes, praying for the young man, praying that he was indeed careful. When he opened his eyes, the dream shifted. The boy was gone. Time moved ahead a number of years, and Kevin was alone in the darkness. He lay on the dirt floor listening, listening and crying out with grief. His heart was breaking, and he was helpless to stop what was happening outside his hut.
* * * * *
Arel came back to himself slowly. He looked around, but instead of a hut, he was in Kevin’s apartment. He sat for a long moment trying to calm his heart. It was beating very fast after what he’d experienced. Kevin lay stretched out on the floor. He was still in some sort of dream or trance state. As Arel returned to normal awareness, Kevin moaned. The sound made Arel even more aware of what they had faced together.
Oh god, no wonder he didn’t want to talk about the dream.
When Kevin opened his eyes, they were filled with tears. “So much pain,” he whispered in a broken voice.
“Are you okay? You fell, but I thought I caught you. Did you hurt your ribs again?”
“No, it’s not my ribs. It’s the dream.” Kevin paused, swiping at his eyes, taking several, short breaths. “But it wasn’t just a dream, was it? What I saw was real, wasn’t it?”
Arel extended his hand to Kevin. “That’s not for me to say.”
Kevin grabbed hold and allowed himself to be helped into a sitting position. Once he got his bearings, he let out a heavy sigh. “When Peggy tried to tell me what she remembered about other lives, I thought she was going off the deep end. Now, I’m starting to think I was the one who was wrong.”
Arel stood up and helped Kevin to a standing position. “Whether past lives are true or not, let’s think about the good part.”
Kevin hobbled to the sofa and carefully took a seat. “What good part?”
Arel sat down too. “I remember that you were my teacher, the father I wished I’d had.”
“Stupid bastard would be closer to the truth.”
“What are you talking about?”
“If that lifetime was real, and I think you and Peggy believe that it was, then you were both burned at the stake.”
Arel hesitated. He’d made peace with the memory, but it still could make his heart pound harder for a few moments. “So what does that have to do with you?”
Kevin’s face turned scarlet. “I’m the one who taught you all that crap! I’m the one who filled your mind with ideas about helping others and being the Good Samaritan. You and Peggy listened to me.”
“You taught us about love—”
“And they killed you when you practiced it! Peggy was out there gathering herbs. Another of my specialties! They thought she was a witch!”
“Kevin, you loved us.”
“I killed you! I couldn’t be guiltier if I lit the fires myself.”
“Is that what you believe? You’re blaming yourself for what happened to us?”
Kevin’s face crumpled in despair. “I guess that’s why the dream was so horrible, why I didn’t want to think about it.”
“You can’t blame yourself.”
“Oh, but I can!” Kevin’s tone was grief-stricken, a sound that was as raw as his oozing flesh. “I heard your screams!”
“I forgot about that part. I’m sorry.”
“Stop saying you’re sorry! I don’t know how to deal with this thing, but hearing your apologies isn’t helping!”
For long minutes, neither spoke.
Kevin broke the silence with a raspy laugh. “And I thought I was just worried about being a father. No wonder I can’t trust myself. After what I saw, after what I heard—” He laughed again, but it was hard and scathing. “Carol was right to have left me. I don’t deserve her.”
Arel stared back, knowing very well how self-blame could eat away at all the joy of life. He began to laugh too, but it was laughter directed at the absurdity of what he was hearing. “Isn’t this thing we call ‘life’ bizarre? I remember you being a teacher whom I loved because he was the kindest man in the village. He practiced what he believed. He tried to make life bearable for me and for my sister. But you only remember him as old and dirty.” He stood up and frowned at Kevin. “You only remember a person who couldn’t stop the ignorance around him, who was helpless to prevent the people of that time from turning into monsters.”
Kevin swiped at his eyes again. He squeezed his fists tight as if it could keep his sorrow from totally consuming him. “I loved you and the girl that Peggy was like my own children. If only they would have burned me instead of you.”
“You never intended what happened, but I know that you’re right. You would have given your life to spare ours.”
Kevin’s head fell forward, resting heavy on his chest. “How I wish it could have been that way. The horror of being burned would have been over so much sooner. The rest of my life, I remembered your screams and your suffering.”
“I didn’t blame you in that life, and I have no judgment now. I only know that you gave us everything you could, out of the loving heart that you had. And you have the same true and loving heart now.”
Kevin’s gaze was glassy and filled with remorse when he looked up. “I didn’t mean to hurt Carol. Really, I didn’t.”
“I know that too.”
“How can I trust myself not to hurt her again? How can I be sure I won’t shoot off my big mouth?” He sucked in a breath. “And then there’s the baby. How can I know that I won’t screw up as a parent?”
Arel put a hand on Kevin’s shoulder and shook it gently. “Take it from one who knows, you will make mistakes, and so will Carol. We’re all human. It’s what we do. But the important thing is that you don’t give up.”
“How do I live with that? I don’t want to keep screwing up!”
“Look, you did your best as that old man. The screwed up part was holding yourself accountable for what happened. Now, with Carol, you’re afraid to take a chance again. But the one who created us doesn’t give up on us. Our souls don’t give up either, do they? We keep coming back. We keep getting more chances to be that person who’s loving and forgiving. But before we can be loving, we need to forgive ourselves and get a fresh start.”
Kevin grabbed his ribs as he took fast, gasping breaths. “I don’t know. It’s so damn confusing. I’ve hurt Carol. I hate that I’ve done that.” His eyes lifted to meet Arel’s. “How do I forgive myself knowing that I’ve hurt the sweetest, gentlest person that I’ve ever met?”
It was Arel’s Achilles heel too.
Oh Justina! If only I hadn’t failed you.
Letting out a sigh, he forced himself back to the moment and to Kevin’s problem. “I don’t have the answer. All that I know is that we have to keep trying. Carol’s not asking you to be perfect. She just wants you to stay in the game.”
Kevin’s face brightened for the first time since they started talking. “The game?”
Arel nodded. “Yes, that’s right. The game’s not over.” Without meaning to, he’d used a term the ex-football player understood. Now Kevin sat contemplating the concept with
more openness. As he did, Arel realized they weren’t alone. He saw an angel sitting next to the young man. He’d glimpsed Kevin’s guardian angel on a couple of occasions, but this angel was different. He had his hand over Kevin’s heart. A stream of golden light was filling Kevin’s chest. Sensing he’d been discovered, the angel winked at him.
Arel stared back in surprise. This was definitely a more playful sort than Michael. He had a boyish face, with brown, curly hair and blue grey eyes that sparked with a wisdom hidden under his youthful visage.
My name is Gabriel. I’m in your dreams sometimes, but I don’t think that you remember.
Arel didn’t want to remember. He had enough to think about at the moment. But he was happy to see that Kevin was getting some help. On some level, it was working. When he took a peek at Kevin’s aura, it was clearing. The heaviness was being replaced by a colorful, lighter energy.
Kevin allowed himself the smallest smile when he finally looked up. “I guess you’re right. When I played football, we all had a common goal, and if one of us couldn’t carry the ball, someone else took over. If we got injured or discouraged, the coach reminded us not to quit, but to continue believing in the game, to use our faith to encourage each other. I had to forget about self-doubts in those times, or I’d never been able to be a good player.”
“You’re right, Kevin. It takes courage just to hang in there.”
“Do you think Carol would be okay if I’m on the sidelines sometimes, just there to encourage her when I don’t know what to do?”
Arel smiled. “Yes, because you love each other.”
“Love? That’s not enough. Think about all the people who think they’re in love and then get divorced.”
“People put definitions on love, but maybe it’s more than what we think it is. Maybe it’s the game itself.” He thought about Michael always being there, never abandoning him. “You wanted advice, well here it is. Hang in there. Don’t let the limits that you place on yourself keep you from being with the person that you love.”
“Just be there? Is that enough?”
“Why don’t you ask Carol?”
Kevin frowned and let out a miserable sigh. “I don’t know where she is.”
