by Sage Sask
His face remains neutral, though his fists clench by his side. “What are you talking about?”
“I had a call. Serafina,” I explain before he asks. “Because I hadn’t trained as long as everyone else. Victoria insisted on going up the mountain. I went with her to help…” I relive those moments of terror when no one knew who would survive or die. “She knew the key was there. After she found it, I gave her an ultimatum.”
“The key for the call,” Ryan finishes. I nod in answer. Disgusted, he stares at me. “And if she had said no?”
I want to tell myself and him that I would have made the call anyway, but I cannot be sure. “I don’t know.”
He shakes his head in disappointment. “Why did you change your mind at the box? Why did you do what you did with Jackie?”
I take a deep breath. “Because it was the right thing. Victoria…I don’t…” I pause, struggling to explain. “She’s David’s sister and…” I stop before I say, “your girlfriend.” That should not matter, and I tell myself it doesn’t. “She has hated me from the minute I arrived here.”
“So you gave her a choice between her life and the team’s?”
Shame washes over me. “I know you love Victoria. I’m sorry,” I whisper. I hold out the knife. “Thank you for this, but I can’t imagine you want me to have it now.”
He walks to the window and stares out through the bars. “Do you remember what you said on the ledge? That no matter what choice you make, someone loses?” he asks. “The fact is we can’t change who we are or the steps that led us here. It is what it is. We just have to learn to live with it.”
He forgives me, I realize. “Why?”
“You forgave me for revealing your secret to Harrison,” he says, understanding. “I can’t stand in judgment of you when my own decisions aren’t perfect.”
“And if we all hadn’t come home?” I ask.
He smiles. “Then we would be having a very different conversation right now.”
We stand inches apart. My mind wanders to the previous weeks and our every interaction. The push and the pull. Every time he saved me and when he pushed me to fight harder. My instinct to search him out in every room, then turn away when he was with Victoria. The dream tugs at me, forcing me to confront how I feel about him.
“Thank you.” I pause. Then, hoping he understands and remembers after I’m gone, I add, “For everything.”
“You keep saying that,” he says, reminding him of the same words on the ledge. “But you never define everything.” He stares intently at me. Uncomfortable with admitting the truth, I look away. He cups my shoulder and shifts me toward him. “Hey — are you alright?”
I nod, assuring him I’m fine. “Everything? It’s for giving me the benefit of the doubt in the face of Harrison’s distrust. For having my back and fighting for me.” I feign a glare. “For protecting me in your warped way.”
He laughs before his eyes warm over. “It was worth it. And what you did at the end, it did bring everyone home, so thank you.” He glances at my desk with the stack of papers. “Are those your writings?”
I move to stuff them into the drawer, but he grabs one out of my hand. Holding it high over his head, he skims it. His expression changes from curious to impressed. “Your writing is good. Seriously.”
Unable to accept the praise, I yank the paper out of his hand once he brings his arm down. “You weren’t supposed to read that.” He smiles at my irritation until I relent. “But thank you for saying that.” We stand in easy silence with one another. I think about what Sawyer told me — that Ryan sent him to help with the reading. He has proven I can trust him. It was when I believed I couldn’t that I broke. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Shoot,” he says.
“What Serafina said about the Resistance and its leader…,” I wait for his acknowledgment. “How do you know it’s the truth?”
“Why would she lie?” His confusion is clear. “What purpose would she have?”
I tread carefully, keeping my cards close. “To convince us she’s right and they’re wrong.”
“Serafina knew the serum was hurting the readers,” he says carefully. “She initially refused them the antidote.”
“What?” Sure I’ve misheard him, I demand, “She put their lives at risk? Why?”
“Power,” he says. “They were stronger readers because of the serum. The government was happy with the results and with Serafina for the more accurate readings.”
“What changed?” Was this why Julia and everyone else left? Were they trying to save themselves?
“More readers got sick. The benefits no longer outweighed the costs.” He sighs, and I sense his struggle to admit the truth. “She knew she had to do the right thing. Even if it meant going against what the government wanted and losing her place as head of the Circle.”
“How do you know this?”
“Serafina told me. I went to her a year ago after being named lead agent. I’m not close to Harrison, and I needed a mentor. Someone I could trust. When I went to her, she told me I needed to know who she was. Both good and bad.”
“So what she said about the Resistance…”
“I believe her.”
He has given me the answer I searched for. Serafina is not perfect, and neither is Julia. But Julia is my mother. She and my brother are the only family I have left. I need to go home so I can ask her why she made the decisions that determined my future.
“Ryan, I…” I need to say something to him. Something that tells him he matters. That though I have no definition for what I feel, I am grateful for the time we spent together.
“Yeah?” He waits, his gaze holding mine. We both hear the footsteps outside my door at the same time. Ryan throws open the door to Victoria. “What are you doing here?” he asks.
“I was looking for you.” Her gaze moves past his shoulder, and though she can’t see me, her face tightens. “Am I interrupting?”
Ryan holds my gaze for barely a second before shaking his head. “No. Alexia and I were talking about the move to the main wing.”
He steps over the threshold and into the hall without saying goodbye. I move to shut the door and catch him leading her to his room. Victoria walks alongside him. Their shoulders touch, connecting them. I silently step back in and close my door. I exhale a deep breath, grateful I didn’t make a fool of myself. My mind resolute, I settle on my course of action.
SIXTY
Serafina meets us at the entrance to the Sanctuary. The decorative fountain spills water into a stone bowl. The sound soothes my nerves. The sun warms us as it breaks through the clouds. Day two. Tomorrow they will come.
“Many of you have been here before,” Serafina says. “For others, it is your first time.” She glances toward the closed doors. “The sight is challenging. Those inside were hurt in ways that is hard to comprehend. They did nothing wrong, and yet they pay a high price.” She takes a deep breath. “We often talk about chance at the Circle. For some, the serum had no effect. For others, it was life-altering.”
Celeste, next to her, adds, “You now help carry the duty to care for the ones who can no longer care for themselves. You have a responsibility to protect others. That path starts here,” she points behind her, “with the people who sacrificed so you could be stronger.”
Serafina scans her palm to open the door. Inside, the foyer stands empty.
I survey my surroundings, memorizing each step so I can retake it. “Where are the guards?” I ask Samira.
“They’re only posted when the antidote is administered. The crystal vault is impossible to penetrate.”
Serafina, Kenji, and Celeste lead us through the foyer and into the halls. Each room we pass houses a patient or two. Those too feeble to stand smile in greeting, while others welcome us with hugs.
“The next generation.” The man, a patien
t, watches us with pride. His voice comes out broken and in spurts. “Look at you. All of you.” He lays his hand over his heart with tears in his eyes. “Thank you for fighting for us.”
We continue our tour of the Sanctuary. Some of the patients’ rooms have a door that leads to the outside, while others are in rooms with only windows. The ones with doors have keypads by the knob.
“What decides who gets what room?” I ask.
“Those rooms are for long-term patients,” Serafina answers. “Gives them the freedom to move around outside when they want. Only they know the code to the door.”
I linger in one of the rooms while the others follow Serafina out. When I am the only one left, I rush to join the others. I find them in a large room where oversized windows allow the sun’s rays in.
“The Sun Room,” Serafina explains. “Appropriately named.”
Jackie wheels in her father. Curious, I watch as the members greet him. Gavin bumps Jackie’s shoulder before hugging her father. Jackie’s father says something quietly to Gavin that makes both him and Jackie blush. Jackie admonishes her father lightly, but he only laughs. When Jackie spots me watching, she comes over.
“How is he doing?” I ask.
“Better.” She fidgets. “He’s happy I’m home. He was worried.” She glances back at him as he holds court with all of her friends. “I told him what you did. He said to say thank you.”
“How long has he been like this?” I silently reject her gratitude, knowing I will betray them soon.
Jackie’s face clouds over. “It’s gotten worse in the last year. He needs more doses than the others to stay functional. Two, sometimes three, a day.” Jackie lowers her voice. “Harrison threatened to keep it from him.”
“If you didn’t do as he told,” I say, remembering Gavin’s explanation. “Befriend me.”
Jackie nods. “It seemed harmless and worth it. I didn’t know you, and he’s my dad…” She trails off. “With Mom in the field, he’s all I have left.”
Her father calls her back over. I watch from a distance as Jackie rejoins her friends. He jokes with all of them, his love and affection clear. It’s everything I have never had.
“Let’s move to the final room,” Serafina announces.
We follow Serafina to the back room, where medical personnel assist patients. “The antidote is made behind there.” She points to a nearly hidden door. “It takes years to create, and not every batch is guaranteed to work. Those that do are of high value.”
“Why years?” I ask.
“It’s created by a special crystal that the Sanctuary was built around. It’s rare and not found anywhere else in the world.” She pauses. “We are careful to use only minute amounts, which requires longer for the antidote to synthesize. But it is the price we pay to guarantee to have enough to heal everyone over the years.” She gestures toward the patients. “Some can make do with a dose every couple of days, others once, and a few twice a day. They are administered here, in this room.” Serafina squeezes a patient’s shoulder in comfort.
I assess my surroundings. There are windows all along the walls, but they would be impossible to break. I could potentially fight one of the guards, but others would quickly follow. I would have only minutes to escape the Sanctuary and get to the meeting place. But all of it is contingent on me opening the safe.
***
“Your dad was a reader?” I searched and found Jackie in the library that evening. “One of the Core group?”
Jackie nods. She closes the manual she has been reading on the zones. The library is nearly empty except for the two of us. “He was a strong reader. Initially, the receiver worked, and the serum only made his readings stronger. He was brilliant. But then he got ill. It got worse over the years until he became who he is now.” She studies me, curious. “Why?”
I tread carefully so as not to arouse questions. “He sacrificed to help others.” Shrugging, I say, “You must be proud of him.”
Tears fill her eyes. “I am. Dad never complains about what’s happened or about the treatment.”
“You said he has to get multiple doses a day?” I murmur while glancing through the book Jackie was reading. I barely read any of the words but hope it tempers any suspicion.
Jackie’s face tightens with anger and pain for her father. “Twice a day minimum. In the morning at nine and then again twelve hours later. It’s just him and one other woman right now.”
Nine in the evening, I repeat in my head. I’ll go in afterward. Nighttime will be my veil. “Do you stay with him during?”
Jackie shakes her head. “No. Some family members stay to help. The antidote can be hard on the body. But my dad doesn’t like me there. He doesn’t want me to see him weak. Broken.” She fights back her grief. “I hate the Circle for what they did to him, and at the same time, I’m so grateful they’re saving him.”
SIXTY-ONE
Twenty-four hours left before they come for me. I walk the path from the Sanctuary to the meeting spot and back again. The moonlight guides my way. I do it twice more to time myself. If I run, I shave off three minutes. But that may attract the attention of passersby. Once at the meeting spot, I have to trust whomever my mother sends. And then, after all these years, I will finally be reunited.
On the shoreline, I stare at the ocean. The moon’s rays bounce off the water. The monument beckons in the night air. Inscribed into the stone are words of hope and freedom. I wonder whether either will be mine.
I slip off my shoes and socks then the gold ring nestled on my second toe. I palm the ring as I step gingerly into the water. The scar on my abdomen pulses as the metal lies heavy in my hand. I uncurl my fingers and stare at the gold circle. Symbols are engraved around the exterior.
Closing my eyes, I beg my mind for a memory or guidepost. Something that tells me I don’t have to hurt others to help myself.
A large room filled with beds. Unlike the Sanctuary, these beds are old and worn. The people on them are all ill and barely surviving their fight. I am young. I walk the halls and hear their cries. My small hand enclosed in my mother’s. The ring pushes against our joined hands.
“Why me?” I dare to ask.
Julia reaches out and tucks a loose strand of my hair behind my ear. “Because you are our strongest reader. Your skills will be necessary for what needs to be done.”
I hesitate to ask my next question. “What if I don’t want to do it?”
“That’s not a choice you get to make.” Julia’s voice changes to hard and unforgiving. She steps back, leaving the air around me cold and empty. “You are a soldier first and my daughter second. You are to do as ordered. No questions asked.”
I try to speak, but the words get stuck in my throat. Just then a boy runs down the hall, laughing. “I was looking for you,” he says to my mother. “Everywhere.”
My mother gently lifts the ring hanging off a chain around his neck. It’s identical to the one I wear.
“With your ring, you can always find me.” She runs her finger over the inscriptions. “These are the key.”
The memory slams into me. I stare at the ring, but the inscriptions blur together. Tears I have held back for years drip slowly down my cheeks.
Ever since I can remember, I have searched for my mother. After arriving at the Circle, I wondered whether all the forces of the universe were finally aligning to help me in my quest. In finding her, I was sure I would find myself and finally be safe. But it was all an illusion. Julia is the one who sent me here. To get what she wanted.
Now I must choose one people over the other. But the part of me that yearns for my mother, for the warmth I remember, insists there has to be more to the story. Regardless, no matter what choice I make, someone loses. I wonder whether I wasn’t better off before — when all I had were questions instead of answers.
SIXTY-TWO
I wake up o
n my final day at the Circle with a sense of acceptance. I dress quickly, then grab my backpack and stuff some clothes into it. I slip the knife Ryan gave me into the back of my jeans. I leave the bag at the foot of my bed, ready for later tonight. I search my desk for where I hid the pill the man gave me. I stare at it, unsure, and then, knowing I have no choice, chew it until there’s nothing left. Afterward, I scan the room. I will never sleep in it again or be with these people. When sadness starts to creep over me, I push it aside, scolding myself for the reaction. I cannot falter now.
I meet the crew for breakfast. They left Cassia’s regular seat open in honor of her.
“We were going into town today,” Jackie tells me. “Doing a goodbye for Cassia and Henry. If you want to come?”
The others chime in, encouraging me to join. Grateful for the opportunity to honor Cassia and Henry, I readily agree. “How long will we be there?”
Gavin glances at the clock on the wall. “I have to be back before dinner for some maintenance on the planes.” After finalizing the plans, we decide to meet in the back in thirty minutes. “Grab a jacket,” Gavin warns. “It gets cold.”
Derrick walks me out. He waits until we are alone to ask, “Maybe tomorrow night, I can take you on the date we talked about?”
Tomorrow night I will be reunited with my mother. I will have betrayed everyone here. They will know who I am.
“I...”
Ryan passes in the distance. My eyes linger on him before turning back toward Derrick. Embarrassed, I realize his gaze followed mine. I stammer to explain when Derrick motions me into a corner where we have privacy.
“I’ve known Ryan my whole life. He’s one of the most honorable people I’ve ever met.”
“Derrick…” I start.
