by Aidan Wayne
WELL, CHASE said through the sync, once he was able to find his voice again. I can’t say I was expecting that. He felt so tired. And things had been going well.
It’s my fault, Shade said immediately. I triggered him before, and then with today—he realized something he hadn’t been paying attention to.
It’s both our faults, Chase snapped, clearly upset with himself. I was careless. I never thought about how he might be feeling, that this wasn’t just a normal progression. But he’s already all twisted up inside that we—
We haven’t been fair, Shade said. Not being clear about how things have been going, how we’ve been feeling. His own self-anger was roiling through the feed. Maybe he was right. Maybe we should have offered to remove ourselves. Once we… once we started….
And then everyone gets to be miserable? Chase asked. We love him, and it developed naturally over time, around our regular duties. He at least has some sort of feelings towards us, enough so that he was worried about it for our own well-being. If we leave, no one wins. If we stay and at least try to work it out, there’s a chance for a happy ending. For all three of us.
He won’t be happy, Shade said. He still thinks of himself as a danger first and foremost. The hand that wasn’t synced with Chase’s clenched. Obviously.
We’ll explain ourselves first, Chase said. Give him the choice. We haven’t been fair, especially recently. He deserves to know exactly how we feel so he can react accordingly.
And if he decides to send us away?
All we can do is ask him to be rational. If he wants to send us away because he has no interest and thus ours makes him too uncomfortable, we’ll have to accept that. But if it’s because he thinks he’s trying to protect us… that, I will fight.
WHEN CHASE went to knock on Jason’s door to ask to talk, he couldn’t help but feel nervous. He and Shade had decided to talk to Jason one at a time in order not to overwhelm him. Shade had insisted that Chase go first, because of the two of them, Chase was better at making his thoughts and feelings clear.
Chase disagreed with that for a number of reasons, but he did have to admit that he was the more eloquent of the two of them. So here he was, just like in the beginning, at a barred door and asking Jason to come out.
When Jason finally unbolted the locks and pulled the door open, Chase hated himself a little bit for how sad and tired and hurt Jason looked. His shoulders were slumped, and he carried himself with an air of defeat, the long sleeves of his shirt hanging down to meet the wrappings on his hands.
“Hey,” Jason said quietly. “You guys need something?”
Yes. Chase didn’t shout. For you to stop hurting. “I wanted to talk to you,” he said. “About, ah, what you brought up before. Shade and I talked and—there are a few things we need to clear up.”
Jason tensed immediately, and Chase would’ve given a whole lot to know what he was thinking. “It’s not—it’s nothing bad,” he hurried to say. “At least, I hope it isn’t. That’s up to you. We just wanted to speak our piece.”
“Okay. Um. Living room?”
“Yes, that’d be fine.” And the nerves were worse now, now that Jason was expecting something negative. Why couldn’t they have just done this right?
Jason nodded and stepped out of his room, following Chase down the short hallway. When they sat on the couch, a few feet apart and facing each other, the space where Shade normally was screamed its emptiness.
“Um,” Jason said, looking even more worried now. “Shade doesn’t want to talk?” Chase could hear the palpable worry in that question: Is he mad at me? Does he want to leave now? Do both of you?
“We don’t want to leave,” Chase said in a rush. “Shade just… he was worried about saying the wrong thing. He asked me to talk to you first. That’s all.”
“Oh.”
“But if it’d make you more comfortable—” Chase added, and how did his stomach hurt so much when he didn’t even really have one? “He’d like to be talking to you. We just, we were worried about you being overwhelmed.”
“I think if you both have something to say to me, I’d rather you say it together,” Jason said, eyes on the floor. He looked like he was expecting an ax.
No, he looked like he’d prefer one.
“Why don’t we go get him, then,” Chase suggested. “Since he’s just hiding in our room.” He glanced over the back of the couch at the sound of soft footfalls. “Or was hiding, anyway.”
“Wasn’t hiding,” Shade said, slinking into the room. “But was listening,” he added, abashed. “Sorry. Worried.”
“About what?” Jason blurted. “Chase says he was worried, now you, what—what’s going on? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” Chase said as Shade approached the couch. Jason shifted, moving down to give Shade more space to sit in the middle, but Shade shook his head, plopping down at the foot of the couch instead, resting his head on the side of Chase’s leg.
And that was big. Shade was incredibly self-conscious of his more animalistic behaviors. Even though they were what he was most comfortable with now, he still made an effort to keep them under control, at least when he was with people aside from Chase. And now, Jason. Judging from Jason’s facial expression, he understood that too.
He understood so much about them. It was why they’d begun to love him in the first place.
Jason sighed. “Okay,” he said. “So nothing’s wrong. You’re both worried and upset about something, but nothing’s wrong.” He swallowed. “Let’s just cut to the chase,” he said, with a significant look at Chase. He’d used the phrase before, but almost as a joke, always with a slight smile. Now….
“Love you,” Shade burst out, before immediately shrinking back as if he expected Jason to hit him for it.
Jason froze. Chase wasn’t even sure he was breathing.
“That’s about the gist of it,” Chase said, voice gentle. “In the time we’ve been with you, we’ve both grown to care for you. And so our including you is a step beyond what we’d do with someone else. Like we said before, we’ve only offered you what we want to give.”
“Want to give a lot,” Shade said quietly.
“We—we understand if you need some time,” Chase said, when Jason still made no move to speak. “And that this is unusual. But we promise it won’t interfere with us taking care of you and that if you don’t—don’t return our feelings that that’s fine. We just haven’t said anything yet because we didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, but it seems we’ve failed in that—”
Jason let out a wet laugh, almost a sob and covered his face with his hands. “Stop,” he said. “Please. Please don’t—”
“We can’t help that we care about you, Jason,” Chase said quietly. “We’re telling you because the ball is, and always will be, in your court on what to do next.”
“I can’t do that,” Jason said. “Don’t do this to me. Us. Please don’t do this to us.”
“Jason—”
“We had a good thing going, we did, but I can’t—I’m going to hurt you. I already have.” He still wouldn’t look at them. “Don’t give me the ability to hurt you more.”
“We hurt too!” Shade snapped, startling Jason enough that he looked up.
“That’s what I’ve been trying to—”
“No. We hurt Jason. Jason has been hurt. Our fault. My fault,” he said, the last two words shaky. “Mistakes. Not on purpose. Never on purpose. Still happen.”
“That’s part of what relationships are,” Chase hurried to add. “You make mistakes. Sometimes you get hurt. Then you get better. With the people you care about.” He shifted on the couch, blindly reaching for Shade’s hand—not even to sync up, just for comfort and assurance. “We’d understand if you wanted us to go. If we made you feel uncomfortable with… this. But I’m not going anywhere if this is just another way to punish yourself. Neither of us are.”
Jason stared at them, shocked into silence. “You’re actually serious,” he s
aid, after a long minute. “You—this—”
“More serious than I’ve been about anything in a long time.”
“Love you,” Shade said again. “Wish… I could say it better. Why. But can’t. Just want to stay. Want to show you. Want to try.”
“I couldn’t have said that any better,” Chase said, voice soft again. “Jason, everything is up to you. We just wanted to be honest. Needed to be—and that is part of regulated protocol.”
“I don’t know,” Jason said, voice small. “I don’t know.”
“I’ll ask again, then. With—with knowing this. Do you still want us to stay?”
Jason stared down at his hands, one thumb rubbing over the other in a nervous check. Chase ached to know what was running through his head. “Yeah,” he said at last. “And I know I shouldn’t because—” He stopped. “But I don’t want to lose you two. Not yet.”
“Not going anywhere,” Shade said.
“Neither of us are, unless you want us to.”
Jason let out a shaky breath, looking miserable. “Can we just—see how things go? Feel it out. Like… like we’ve been doing, I guess. Just, you have to promise me that you won’t risk anything. Please.”
“We’ll do whatever we can,” Chase assured him. He didn’t bother to add how this was all a risk, just that Jason was worth it to them. “And ultimately, everything is still up to you. You’re the one we want to keep safe.” Jason barked out a laugh at that but didn’t say anything.
The silence descended again, feeling awkward and stuffy, none of the three sure of what to do or offer or ask.
It was Jason who finally swallowed and asked, “If—if it’s okay right now, could I….” He swallowed again. “Could I have a hug?”
Shade and Chase both surged forward so fast that they had to reposition their tangle of limbs after they enveloped Jason.
This is good, Chase thought, closing his eyes in relief. It’s going to be okay.
Chapter Nine
JASON HAD to retreat into his room soon after, and he was grateful that Chase and Shade let him go without a fuss. He really needed some time to think. Or not think. He rewrapped his hands and went at his bag until he couldn’t worry anymore, breath not choking him, just sucking in air.
When his arms ached to lift them and his legs were on the verge of giving out, he stumbled into the shower and turned on the spray, letting his head hang as the water beat down at his back. Trying to keep his mind blank, like he did when he was… working.
And thinking about work and Chase and Shade was what snapped him out of it, because no way. He was not about to do that. He’d actually think about this rationally, like a sane adult. He at least owed that to them.
Okay. Okay. Deep breaths.
Love. Shade had used the word love. And Chase had agreed and explained and they’d been so achingly careful and gentle and—and Jason guessed that the word really was “loving” because god it’d been a long time, but that’s what it felt like.
Jason would be deluding himself if he pretended he didn’t feel the same way. That he couldn’t use the same word. Chase and Shade made him happy, in a way he hadn’t been for a long, long time. Made him like getting up in the morning, made him actually look forward to meals. Made him not mind touching—even, even want it. Enjoy it.
What he didn’t know was what to do. Having emotional connections made it that much easier to hurt and be hurt. Jason didn’t mind getting hurt. It was part of his life and, at this point, was expected. But he couldn’t stomach the idea of hurting Chase or Shade. And this gave him so much more opportunity to do so, even accidentally.
They’d both made it pretty clear that sending them away would hurt most, right now.
Jason sighed and turned off the water. He just wished he knew how to do this.
CHASE AND Shade did their best to keep things routine for the rest of the evening, though they kept exchanging worried glances at Jason’s door. It remained resolutely shut, and it was getting late. If nothing else, Jason had to eat dinner.
They weren’t sure they should make it without him; Jason might not want them to. He always preferred to watch them make food when he’d been having a rougher day.
Eventually it got late enough that Chase made the decision to knock. “Jason? It’s Chase. Are you there?”
Nothing. Chase couldn’t hear the shower running, though it’d been on earlier. Was Jason asleep? He knocked again, a little louder. “Jason? Are you up?”
“I’m up!” And then, quieter, “Chase?”
“Yes,” Chase said. “Just me. You don’t have to open the door if you don’t want to. We were just wondering about dinner. Do you want to watch us make it? It’s time you ate.”
There was a long pause.
“Jason?”
“No. I mean, no, that’s okay. I—I don’t mind if you make it without me. I’ll—I’ll be out in a bit.”
“No hurry,” Chase said. “Whenever you’re ready. If you’re not out by the time dinner is done, we’ll bring it to you, okay?”
“…okay. Thanks.”
“Of course, Jason. Anything you need. Shade and I will just be in the kitchen.”
“Okay.”
Chase left Jason behind the door and went back to the kitchen where Shade was waiting.
“Jason?” Shade asked. Chase shrugged.
“He was sleeping when I went to talk to him,” he said. “I woke him up by accident. But he talked to me. And he didn’t refuse dinner. He said we can make it without him though.”
Shade scowled. “Don’t want to.”
“I know.” Chase sighed. “But hopefully if he sees we’re still willing to give him his space, he’ll be willing to let us back into it.”
Shade bent to get the ingredients for a quick stir-fry out of the refrigerator. “Wish things were better,” he said.
“I know.”
They made the dish from leftover ingredients, so it cooked up pretty fast. It wasn’t much later when Chase was knocking on Jason’s door again, balancing a loaded tray in his other hand. Shade was waiting nervously in the living room.
“Jason? I brought you dinner. Will you please come open the door to get it?”
The door opened. Jason looked even more exhausted than before. “I’ll eat outside,” he said, and Chase’s heart leaped. Something must have shown on his face because Jason added, “Striving for normalcy, right?”
“Whatever you’d like,” Chase said quickly.
“I’d, uh, living room?” Jason asked. “Since it’s already on a tray and all.”
“Right, yes, of course,” Chase said, stepping back so Jason could come out, closing the door behind him.
“Would you like to watch something?” he asked, as they headed down the hall.
“Not sure yet,” Jason said, holding his hands out to take the tray. Chase noticed that they were shaking a little, but he handed the tray over without a word. Shade beamed when they entered the living room.
“Jason! Hello.”
“Hey, Shade,” Jason said, conjuring up a weak smile. “Mind if I eat in here?”
“No,” Shade said. “Where Jason sit?” Shade was in the armchair, and he sat at attention, as if wanting to rise out of it. Chase could see Shade just itching to wrap his arms around Jason again and hold on tight.
“I—you mind if I get the chair?” Jason asked. “You two can take the couch.”
“Okay,” Shade said, moving fluidly off the armchair. Chase sat on the couch, and Shade wasted no time curling into his lap. Jason looked at them for a brief moment before dropping his gaze back to his tray, taking a seat in the now vacant chair.
Usually Jason turned on the TV to watch something while he ate, or sometimes they just had conversation. This time Jason kept quiet, eating in methodical silence.
“It’s really good,” he said, after several minutes. “Thank you.”
“Glad you like it,” Chase replied, trying for lighthearted.
“Are you two, um
, talking right now?” Jason asked, after another silence.
Chase and Shade exchanged looks. “Actually, no,” Chase said. “You brought up a good point before, that it wasn’t polite to have a private conversation with you in the room. That’s not fair to you.”
“I said that?” Jason asked. “I don’t think I said that. You talk however you guys want to. Especially you, Shade. I don’t—I don’t mind.”
“We do,” Shade said. “Not fair. If talking around Jason, Jason should hear too.”
“That’s—”
“Necessary,” Chase said. “Communication is necessary. No matter what we do or don’t do. And we were wrong to start doing it in the first place.”
“It’s really fine,” Jason said, sounding desperate. He’d stopped eating. “Shade couldn’t talk to me before. You needed to.”
“Became bad habit,” said Shade. “Won’t do. But… but sometimes. So Chase can talk.”
“That’s fine,” Jason said quickly. “Whatever you need to do. I just meant… you can. It doesn’t bother me.”
Shade smiled at him. “Love you,” he said. “Is okay.”
Jason looked down at his plate. Managed another bite of his food. “I was just asking because I had a question and I didn’t want to interrupt,” he said, after another moment. “But uh… guess we got carried away again, huh.”
“What did you want to ask?”
“Just… how you guys want to do things. Or what you want to do. What, uh, what this means. If you stay.”
“Are staying.”
“For as long as you want us,” Chase added. “But I’m guessing you’re talking about more immediate plans?” Jason nodded. “Well, that really depends on you. What you want. What you’d like. And, just as importantly, what you don’t want or like.”
“I don’t want to intrude,” Jason said immediately. “Whatever you, um, want with me, I don’t want to get between you two. You’re a matched pair first and foremost, and that’s important. Not that I think either of you would really do that, but. I guess… I don’t need to be in the middle? I’m just as happy skirting the edges. So don’t think like you have to include me like that.”
