‘But . . . we have things we need to talk about . . .’ He pouts.
‘No, Than, we don’t. You’ve apologized. We’re good. Now I’m going back to the others. Come with me if you want.’
‘But last night . . .’
I let out a sigh of frustration and turn to face him properly. ‘I said everything I needed to last night.’
‘You said we could talk,’ he shoots back at me mutinously.
Something inside me snaps. ‘I said that so I could get away from you! I’ve really enjoyed your company, getting to know you, hanging out a bit. But I’ve got stuff of my own to deal with, and I’ve got to focus on that.’
‘But, Tori . . .’
I hear him, but I’ve already turned my back and am headed over towards the others, back towards the celebrations and the food. When I’ve squeezed myself onto one of the benches in between Sam and Messa, I glance back over to where we’d been standing.
Than has gone.
*
It should have been the perfect evening, but my second stand-off of the day with Than has put a decided dampener on my spirits. When Rowan, Bay and Ted appear back from the hospital with the news that Lizzie and the baby are doing well, I feel the tiredness truly catch up with me. Now all I want is to head back to the yurt, get into bed and let my head start to digest some of the insanity that has happened today. Before I do, I decide to take my own advice and seek out Claire.
She greets me with a huge hug.
‘You doing okay, Tori? I saw Than catch up with you earlier.’
‘I’m okay,’ I say quietly. I don’t really want to go into anything with the others around. ‘I didn’t get much chance to speak with Lizzie before everything kicked off . . .’
‘You want to chat now?’ she asks, and I could hug her again for not making me ask.
‘You sure that would be okay?’ I say.
‘Of course! Did you want to talk here, or . . . ?’
‘I was thinking of heading back to the yurt soon. I’m wiped.’
‘I bet! How about I come with you? We can walk and talk . . .’
‘That would be perfect.’
I say my goodnights to everyone and enjoy another full round of hugs. When I get to Ted, he holds me close for a long time. Anyone would think I’d single-handedly delivered his baby the way he’s thanking me.
Bay’s the last to wrap his arms around me, and as I soak in the warmth of his body and snuggle my face against his soft, worn jumper, my head quietens down. Just for a moment, I stop worrying about everything.
‘You gonna be okay to head back to the yurt on your own?’ he asks gently as I step back from him. ‘Only, I need to eat and then I’ll help the others clear this lot up.’
I nod and breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that Claire and I are going to be able to chat for a while without being disturbed.
*
To begin with, I’m a bit halting as I start talking to Claire, but her easy manner and friendliness mean that before we’ve even crossed into the first field, I’m opening up to her about Than in a way that I haven’t with anyone else. I tell her about the weird sense of attraction I felt at first, which I’m now pretty sure was just relief that someone liked me after I’d been on my own for so long. I tell her how he’s been seeking me out for advice and support, and that although I’ve been happy to listen, I know it’s way beyond my ability to help. I tell her about Bay’s warning, and I tell her about Than trying to kiss me in the hot tub.
‘And then there was this morning’s outburst,’ says Claire quietly.
‘Yup.’
‘So what happened this evening?’
‘He said sorry about this morning and then wanted to talk about the almost-kiss. And he wanted me to go with him so that he could talk privately about his “stuff”.’ I sigh. ‘Thing is, last time he “wanted to talk”, he didn’t actually want to talk at all.’
‘What happened that time?’ Claire asks curiously.
‘We just went back to his tent and hung out for a bit. He wanted to gossip and just chill out and . . . yeah. To be honest, I think if you and Moth hadn’t arrived, and Dennis hadn’t bowled into the tent, he would probably have tried to kiss me then.’
Claire nods. ‘It’s not unusual for strong feelings to come out when you’re at a place like this, you know. I’ve seen it before. It’s happened to me at retreats I’ve been to.’
‘It has?’ I ask in surprise.
‘Of course! You’re there, opening up and clearing all these blocks. And there’s this huge release of energy. I’ve made some of my dearest friends at places like this.’
I nod. It’s actually a relief to be told that these relationships are real, even if they start in the weirdest of ways. And I’m not thinking about whatever has happened between me and Than. I’m thinking of the others. Doreen and Geoff. Messa and Moth. Sam, Emma and Bob. Even Bay. I’ve already started to dread losing these guys when the course is over. But why should I? This bunch of nutty buggers are becoming my friends. And I don’t have to live without them after we’re done here.
‘Tori, I think there are a couple of suggestions I’d like to make, if you’re willing to hear them?’ Claire says as we come in sight of the yurt.
‘Of course. Please!’ I say, turning to smile at her.
‘Okay, number one: enjoy the group. From what I’ve seen, Than has monopolized you quite a bit. But you stand to gain more from being a part of the whole group. You’ve got the weekend ahead of you – spend time with the others. It’ll then be up to Than whether he joins in too, or whether he continues to separate himself.’
I nod. That’s exactly what I’ve been wanting to do anyway, I realize. My instinct has been telling me to be with the others more.
‘The second thing I want you to do,’ Claire takes my hand and turns to look at me, ‘is to trust your instincts. If something feels right, and good, deep down in your core, then you’re probably right. And if something feels wrong, or awkward, or out of place, trust that feeling.’
I nearly laugh out loud. ‘I think you’re a mind reader,’ I say as I pull Claire into a hug and thank her for clearing my head.
Chapter 23
One Step Forward . . .
‘It’s not always going to be plain sailing. Sometimes it can feel like we take one step forwards, only to stumble back by two. But the key thing is to keep moving forwards. Keep taking those steps and you will make the connections you’re looking for.’
©TheBeginnersGuideToLoneliness.com
*
It turns out the baby’s birth and everything else that happened on Friday has had more of an effect on me than I could have imagined. I know, it’s not like I was there for the actual delivery or anything, but I feel like a different person somehow. If I’m honest, it might not just be the baby’s arrival that has changed me. Standing up for myself to Than and asking Claire for help might have something to do with it too. I’ve had the weekend for everything to sink in, and I feel bolder. Braver. Like I can take on a challenge.
Funnily enough, this morning has presented me with the perfect opportunity. The rest of the group have decided to start the week off with another wild swim. And, after everything that’s happened, I’m ready to face my very worst fear. I mean, it’s not like I’m about to give birth on a kitchen floor, is it?!
‘So, you’re coming with us this morning?’ Bay grins across the yurt at me as I stuff a towel determinedly into a cloth bag. ‘Not going to skive off?’
I laugh. ‘I’m coming for the walk at least,’ I say. ‘For me, even getting near that river is a big step.’
‘I know. Can I ask, what is it about rivers, exactly?’
I pause, hugging my bag to my chest. How much do I tell him?
‘I’m sorry, you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to,’ he says quickly.
‘Well . . .’ Maybe it’s a good plan to fill him in a bit. ‘There was an accident two years ago . . . involving a river. And since th
en I’ve had this phobia.’
He blinks at me. ‘So this is the perfect way for you to face it, then. You’ll be with the rest of us. You’ll be completely safe.’
‘I wish it was that rational. Even the sound of a river can set me off. I don’t think I’ll be able to get into that water—’ My voice has started to tremble.
‘Hey, you haven’t even seen it yet,’ he says, his voice gentle.
‘I don’t need to. It’s a river.’ I thought I was up for a challenge . . .
‘Okay, come for the walk. Check it out, take it slow . . . and if nothing else you get to laugh at the rest of us freezing our backsides off, right?’
*
I’m the last one to make it to the bottom of the hill, and as I stoop to navigate my way under the low-hanging branches of the trees near the river’s edge, I can already hear squeals and laughter. Unfortunately, I can also hear the river. My stomach lurches and I shiver. It takes all my determination to reach the small, shingle beach where a couple of the others are standing, gazing at the water.
Objectively, I can see that it’s a beautiful place. A large, deep pool has formed where the rapids meet a steep cliff. Here the river becomes so slow and lazy that it merely trickles out of the other side. The cliff itself has several small trees growing out of its rough face. On our side of the river, the shingle beach leads right to the water’s edge.
The pool is so clear that you can see all the way to the bottom, apart from the deepest parts where it just turns into an inky blackness. The thundering of the river as it hits the cliff is deafeningly hypnotic, and it’s taking every ounce of will power I can muster not to turn tail and run. The shards of sunlight that filter down through the leaves bathe the whole area in a strange, greenish light. I shiver again, trying to calm my breathing and slow my heart rate down.
‘Take your time,’ says Bay, ‘you’re doing great.’
I nod. I can’t get a word out. I’m battling an image of a car sinking into the pool. I shake my head and focus on what’s really in front of me.
Russ, Emma, Sam and Geoff are already in the water, splashing wildly and laughing. The others are all on the beach, peeling off clothes and shedding their shoes.
‘Come on, guys, it’s beautiful!’ Geoff shouts, brushing his slicked down hair out of his eyes and grinning at us from the water.
‘Idiot,’ mutters Doreen, coming to stand by my side. ‘He’s always been like this with water.’
We stand quietly together for a moment, watching as Than marches into the pool. He makes his way straight past the others and starts swimming steadily further out into the deep water.
‘Get your bum in here, Mrs McVey, or I’m coming to get you!’ Geoff growls to his wife in mock serious tones. He takes a couple of strokes forwards as if he’s going to make good on his promise, and Doreen squeals, making me jump.
‘Don’t you dare, you naughty man. Give me a second!’ She shrugs off the enormous jumper she’s wearing and tosses it further up the beach. Stepping as daintily out of her wellies as she can, she strips down to a violently pink one-piece. Very slowly, Doreen picks her way over the slate and down towards the water’s edge.
I watch, half in admiration, half with a growing sense of horror. Part of me wants to run after her, to pull her back, away from the water. This is a brave woman. I should be taking notes.
She reaches the water’s edge and comes to a grinding halt.
‘Come on, love, or I swear I’m coming out to get you!’ laughs Geoff, beckoning to Doreen.
‘I’m not sure.’ Doreen dips a toe in. ‘Bloody hell, it’s freezing!’
‘Watch out . . . I’m coming in!’ The cry comes from behind me, and just as I turn to see who it is, Bay streaks past and does an almighty belly flop right into the middle of the pool, sending up a massive tidal wave that laps right up over Doreen’s knees and splashes her so badly that the water drips off her hair and runs down her face.
Bay comes up gasping and rubbing his eyes while the others laugh at him, shaking their heads like a pack of dogs.
‘Oh, sod it!’ mutters Doreen. She turns her back on the pool, reverses into the water until it reaches the middle of her thighs, locks her body straight and, with a shriek, falls backwards into the water.
Everyone claps and cheers as she surfaces, spluttering and gasping.
‘That’s my girl!’ shouts Geoff.
Doreen splashes an armful of water at him.
‘Hey, Tori, you coming in or what?’ Geoff calls.
All the sounds of splashing have had me frozen to the spot in fear, fighting a rising tide of panic, but at the sound of Geoff’s voice I automatically take a couple of steps backwards, away from the water.
‘Thanks, I’m fine,’ I choke. ‘I’m just going to watch for a bit!’
No. No no no. I’m having enough trouble being this close to the water and not legging it as it is. But then I think about Lizzie giving birth on the kitchen floor. And about sticking up for myself.
I take a deep breath.
I did come here for a challenge.
I take another deep breath.
I take a couple of steps forwards again. And then a couple more, getting closer to the water. My heart’s pounding, but I take another deep breath in and let it out slowly.
‘Come in, Tori, you’ll like it!’ shouts Than as he rejoins the group after exploring the further edges of the pool.
‘No. Thanks.’ I gasp the words out. I’m fine. I’m safe.
‘It’s mandatory to the course you know!’ he laughs.
‘No.’ I can feel the anger starting to rise and mingle with my fear.
‘At least come in for a paddle?’
‘No, Than.’ My breath is coming quicker. This is ridiculous. Why can’t he just leave me alone?
‘Let her take her own time,’ I hear Bay mutter to Than.
I bristle. I’m grateful, but I’m not a charity case. I feel my resolve stiffen. I can do this.
I bend down and start taking my boots and socks off. I fight to roll my trousers up, my shaking fingers making it difficult. I take a tentative step towards the water’s edge, struggling to keep my balance on the loose stones underfoot.
Breathe in. Slowly out.
See. It’s fine. It’s just water. I’m fine.
Fuck. I wince as the soles of my feet make contact with the damp shingle at the water’s edge. I’m not in the river yet but that’s far enough. My whole vision is filling with water. I let out the breath that I hadn’t even realized I’d been holding. I can do this. I can . . .
I catch Bay’s eye. He’s watching me with a smile on his face. He gives me an almost imperceptible nod. I nod back curtly. See. I’m no one’s charity case. I’m . . .
I gasp and choke as a torrent of water hits me in the face. I shake my head, trying to clear it from my eyes only to be hit by another wave. This time I scream and flail my arms, and as I do, my feet start to slip on the stones beneath me. I’m hit again and again. I’m aware of the others shouting, but I can’t make sense of what’s happening.
‘No! No, no, NO! STOP!’ I hear a voice screaming. It’s mine, but it seems to be coming from a long way away, from the other side of the humming buzz that has started in my brain and is taking over any sense I have left.
Another wave hits me. The buzzing starts to drown me and I feel my feet slip as the stones beneath me shift.
The shouting and screaming have disappeared. All I can hear is the buzzing in my head and each breath heaving into my lungs as if I’m sucking the air in through a bathroom sponge. And then I’m back in the middle of my worst nightmare. There’s water all around me. And screaming. I can see fingers clawing at the windows of a drowning car, scrabbling to be released. She’s desperate to get out of there. And then the fingers go limp, and I’m screaming and screaming for my mother.
Chapter 24
The Voices in Your Head
‘What kind of voice do you use when you talk to yourself? So often it
is cruel and mocking. You would never talk to a friend that way, so why do it to yourself? It’s time to show yourself some kindness.’
©TheBeginnersGuideToLoneliness.com
*
When I come to, I’m lying on the shingle beach a couple of feet away from the river’s edge. Two things instantly make me want to crawl under a duvet and hide. Number one: my head is being cradled in someone’s lap. Number two: I’m sobbing. Really going for it. A full-blown, howling snot-fest. As soon as I realize this, I gulp several times and try to calm down, but it’s no use. It’s like hiccups – completely out of my hands.
‘Shh, shh. It’s okay, you’re okay.’
It’s a man’s voice. Gentle hands stroke the wet hair away from my face.
‘Is your head okay? Did you hit it?’
‘Put her in the recovery position.’
‘Give her Rescue Remedy!’
‘Is she hurt?’
‘Is she cut?’
‘Did she slip?’
‘Okay, back off everyone!’
I recognize this last voice as Doreen’s and I struggle to sit up and wipe the heavy tears away from my face at the same time. A hand supports the middle of my back. I turn to see who it is, and Bay’s worried eyes stare back at me.
‘Are you okay? Are you hurt?’ he asks gently.
‘No . . . no, I don’t think so. What happened?’
‘You got splashed. Than splashed you . . . I tried to stop him . . .’
‘Drama queen,’ I hear Than mutter.
‘Shut up,’ Bay growls.
I struggle to my feet, not quite trusting my shaking legs to hold me up. Bay quickly stands up and reaches out again to steady me, but I shake him off and move towards Than, who’s scowling at me.
‘What the fuck did you think you were doing?’ I hiss at him, as I feel every ounce of shock and fear turn into cold anger.
‘Having a laugh. I didn’t think you were going to spaz out on us, did I?’
‘Spaz out?’ I spit, advancing on him. ‘You know I’m scared of water. I told you about my phobia! You know more than anyone else here.’
The Beginner's Guide to Loneliness Page 19
