‘Okay, gang! In a few hours you will all have completed at least one fire walk!’ Ted shouts. He’s so excited he sounds like he’s almost ready to burst. ‘How do you all feel about that?’
He looks around at us eagerly, but rather than the rousing chorus of cheers he was clearly expecting, all he gets are a few nervous smiles, blank nods and even a groan here and there – mainly from Doreen’s direction. I just stay quiet.
Ted’s face falls briefly. ‘So, you’re nervous? That’s good.’ He rallies, smiling around at us all. ‘That’s completely natural. If you were facing something this dangerous without a hint of fear or apprehension in your heart, I would have to call you a foolhardy idiot.’ He looks at each of us in turn. ‘The purpose of this fire walk is to stare fear in the face. Fear of failure, fear of pain, fear of the untried and fear of the unknown. But it’s not just about staring it in the face, it’s about embracing it, tangoing with it and ultimately learning that you can always overcome it.
‘The fire will help you learn that life’s not always about taking the long route around your troubles. Sometimes, you need to walk straight at them to reach the other side.’
I roll my eyes before I can catch myself, but it doesn’t matter, everyone else’s eyes are glued to Ted. I sigh. I’m not so sure that scorching the living daylights out of my feet will turn out to have all these magical, life- affirming properties.
I fidget.
No, I’m not looking forward to this, but I really, really want to get it over and done with. The sooner we start, the sooner it will be over. Then I can take up a nice comfy bed in the nearest casualty department. Maybe I’ll even get the chance to visit Lizzie and the baby while I’m at it.
*
Hours later, I’m exhausted from gathering wood from the nearby coppice and hauling load after load over to the fire. The afternoon has been full of the random, lively chatter of the others, but I’ve kept pretty quiet. After what happened at the river, I don’t feel much like small talk. Most of my spare energy has been taken up with avoiding Than. Wherever he is is where I don’t want to be. I’ve worked mainly with Bay, as he seems to understand my need to stay silent. Being with Bay also has the added bonus that Than is even less likely to try to talk to me.
As the flames start to settle, so does the conversation. We’re all grouped around the fire, staring at the glowing mound of embers in front of us.
I feel a hand in mine and look sideways to find Doreen at my side. I smile at her, but don’t receive one in return. She’s pale and quivering.
‘All right?’ I ask quietly, just as Ted begins to rake the glowing embers flat, sending a cloud of sparks dancing and snapping over our heads.
Doreen shakes her head, lip wobbling. ‘Not sure,’ she mutters.
‘I don’t think anyone is,’ I reply, giving her hand a squeeze. There’s no point in comforting her beyond letting her know she’s not alone. Right now, I think we’re all shitting our pants.
‘Okay, everyone,’ calls Ted in a clear voice, ‘you need to listen to me. I know that this is going to sound very obvious, but you need to take this in. This is a fire. You built it, and you’ve seen it burning. Now, I know that it’s down to embers, but they’re still burning at around 1,200 degrees Fahrenheit. What we are about to do needs concentration and respect. For each other, for yourselves and for the process. It is safe if you follow my lead. If you don’t, this is dangerous. If you aren’t happy to follow my lead, please head back to your camps now. This isn’t the time for games. There is zero tolerance here for mucking about.’ Ted pauses and looks around at all of us again.
No one budges an inch, but I can sense Doreen’s breathing picking up a notch or two. I’m still strangely calm. After everything that’s already happened, this just isn’t pushing my buttons. I glance across the fire at Than. He’s standing as stiff as a gatepost, arms folded, looking mutinous as the light from the embers glints off his smiley-face badge.
‘Okay then. I’ll take your silence as commitment. What happens next is this: we have a damp mat here at the start of the walk. There is another one at the other side. There are tubs of water here, here and here.’ He indicates at various points around the fire. ‘You start from where I am, and walk straight across to where Bay’s standing, in a straight, steady line.’
‘How?’ Bob asks, his voice completely flat.
‘Just concentrate. Know that you can do this. Know that it is not going to hurt you. And know that it will make you stronger. This is not an experience that can be explained more fully to someone who hasn’t tried it yet. I’m sorry.’
Bob nods, turning his eyes back to the glowing embers.
‘There are, of course, some rules. Make sure that your trousers are rolled high up above your knees. If they won’t do this, I suggest that you remove them. You can control your own bodies, but you can’t control how your flares are feeling!’
A titter runs around the group, and it’s like gas being freed from a can of coke as the tension releases a little bit.
‘The second rule is, don’t run. There’s no need. It means more pressure on your feet, less concentration and flicking burning embers around, so just don’t.’
A few people nod. I’m starting to breathe faster. Am I really going to do this? I guess so.
‘All right, here we go. Watch me first just so that you can see that it can be done safely.’
Ted steps onto the damp matting just in front of the bed of embers. He paces side to side for a few seconds, staring straight out ahead of him. I take a deep breath in and hold it. This is insane. Every cell in my body wants to shout at him to stop. To wait. To step away from the fire.
Ted strides forward. He doesn’t rush or hang around. He simply paces in a steady rhythm, seven strides over the embers and onto the matting at the other side. I let my breath out in a rush as he paces side to side on the damp mat, dousing any coals that have stuck to the bottom of his feet.
We all start cheering simultaneously as Ted turns to face us with a grin, arms outstretched like he’s trying to hug us all at once.
‘Any questions?’
‘Does it hurt?’ Emma asks.
‘No, no, it doesn’t hurt. You can feel the heat as you walk, but it’s not uncomfortable; like walking across hot sand . . . or maybe eggshells. Just be sure to pace at the end to clear your feet while you’re still focusing. We’re all going to try to walk at least once today, but there’s no rush. Take your time and decide when’s best for you.’ He smiles around at us all. ‘So, who’s ready?’
Everything goes unnaturally quiet, and for a moment all I can hear is the spitting fire. All eyes have dropped to look at the embers.
Even if you paid me a million quid right now, I wouldn’t feel ready to do this.
Let’s face it, I’m never going to be ready.
And I need the loo.
It’s the nerves, I know, but I can’t stop fidgeting. The base of my spine is tingling and my top lip is stinging with sweat.
‘I’ll do it!’ I say. I ignore both the surprised murmuring and the sounds of encouragement from around me. Doreen squeezes my hand and lets go abruptly, as if I might drag her with me if she’s not careful. I walk over to Ted and feel the rough, damp matting cooling the soles of my feet.
‘Well done, Tori,’ Ted smiles at me. I nod, bend down and with a bit of a fight between my shaking hands and the stiff denim, manage to roll my jeans up securely above my knees. Bay was right when he said I’d bruise – and now they’re on full display to the world.
‘Ready?’ asks Ted gently from beside me.
Am I ready?
I stare at the embers glowing in front of me. I can feel the heat coming at me in waves. There are encouraging shouts from around the fire, though I’m not sure who they’re coming from. All I can focus on are the miniature flames licking up from the embers here and there. There’s a big cheer to my left, and I glance over to see Doreen grinning at me. Next to her stands Than. He’s got a strang
e, blank expression on his face, but I haven’t got time to worry about him now. Someone has started a slow clap for me.
‘Focus now, Tori,’ says Ted at my side.
I pause, holding my breath for a moment, staring at the fire.
Can I do this?
My mum’s face appears in my mind. I let the image float away.
Can I do this?
Than’s taunts at the river start to ring in my ears. I let them go. All I can hear now is the slow clap. Everything else has disappeared.
I focus on the beat and step out.
The embers spark around me and I can feel the heat rising from below. I take a step, and then another.
Clap. Clap. Clap.
I’m doing this. I can’t believe I’m actually doing this! The embers are pricking the soles of my feet, but I’m calm and completely focused on what I’m doing and where I’m going.
Clap. Clap. Clap.
I take a step, and then another.
Now I’m standing on a cold, wet mat, pacing side to side, cooling the soles of my feet. And then other sounds creep back in: a roaring that is neither coming from my head nor the fire behind me. It’s my friends cheering for me. The clapping beat has gone from slow and steady to mad and cheerful.
Bay’s chanting my name, jumping up and down like a six-year-old, a huge grin lighting up his entire face.
And I run.
I run back to the group and into their waiting arms, receiving kisses and hugs from each of them, including Ted, who’s beaming from ear to ear.
When we finally settle down, the atmosphere becomes serious and respectful again, but this time you can’t feel the fearful tension that was there before. One of us has managed to come through this and shown the others that it’s possible. I can’t stop grinning, and I feel like I’ve left every ounce of my uncomfortable, nervous energy in the fire. Now it’s my turn to cheer the others on.
Sam goes next, and then Emma. Messa approaches the mat and stands there for several long minutes before setting out, but he does manage it. It’s as he’s pacing across the coals that I look around the group to see how many more of us are left to go. Than’s missing. He’s gone, nowhere to be seen among the cheering, elated faces.
I turn to ask Doreen if she knows what’s happened to him, but she’s looking pale and sweaty. Before I get a word out, she steps forward and heads for the mat with a determined, if slightly wobbly, stride. I instantly forget about Than as I feel my nerves surge in support for my friend. I want to reach out to her, give her a hug and show her I’m here for her.
I watch as she has a couple of quiet words with Ted and then steps onto the mat. The others start to cheer and shout encouragement.
To my right, Bay starts a slow clap. I glance up at him and smile. It was his clap that carried me over those coals.
It’s time to do the same thing for Doreen. I join in.
As Doreen steps forward, she seems to pause as the first cloud of sparks rises up around her. I feel my mouth grow dry, but she paces forwards, matching the beat of our claps, and before I know what’s happened, she’s already on the other side.
My cheers join the others’ as we all erupt with happiness. Another one of our clan has made it through the test. Doreen just stands on the cool, damp mat with a look of complete confusion on her face. As I watch, it slowly warms to a delighted smile, and she flies towards us. We engulf her in a tangled mass of arms and cheering.
We can do this – together.
Chapter 26
Behind the Anger
‘It’s completely natural to be angry about your loneliness. Whatever the root cause, you can feel let down by the world and want to lash out. But in order to heal, you need to look at what’s behind the anger. Your anger is a reaction, not a trigger. Look for the cause and you can work on healing it.’
©TheBeginnersGuideToLoneliness.com
*
I peel away from Doreen, letting the rest of the group take their turns to smother her in hugs and kisses, and look around again in search of Than. He’s the last of the group left to do the walk, and as things start to quieten down again, he’s rather conspicuous in his absence.
‘Ted,’ I mutter, coming to stand next to him, ‘did you see where Than went? Is he okay?’
‘He left,’ sighs Ted, his smile dropping briefly. ‘Happens sometimes.’
‘When?’ I ask in surprise.
‘Just after you’d started your walk. He headed back towards the campsite I think.’ Ted smiles kindly at me. ‘Don’t worry, he’ll be fine. Sometimes this step just comes too soon for some people. You did brilliantly. Really well done!’ He clasps my shoulder, and I can see pride in his eyes. It brings a lump to my throat.
‘Thanks, Ted.’ I smile back at him, but I can’t help but feel like the air has been let out of me a little bit. I know that whatever bond Than and I had is well and truly broken after everything that’s happened, but the fact that he didn’t even bother to wait until I’d finished my fire walk feels a bit like someone jamming a knitting needle into my heart. It makes it personal.
‘Tori, get over here!’ calls Bay, holding out an arm and beckoning me into the tangle of celebrating bodies. I jog over to them, but it’s with a much heavier heart than just a couple of minutes ago.
*
I can’t get comfortable in my bed. No matter how much I snuggle down, I just can’t relax. It’s a warm night, and I’ve kicked my duvet off and retrieved it twice already. I don’t really need it, but I feel vulnerable lying here uncovered, wearing just my pyjamas.
I left everyone celebrating their success around the communal fire pit and came back to the yurt early. What I really wanted to do was go in search of Than. He didn’t turn up for supper and was nowhere to be seen around the fire pit either. I don’t know why, after everything he’s done, but I just wanted to check that he’s okay . . . or maybe I just wanted to pick a fight and ask him exactly what his problem is. Either way, common sense prevailed, and I came back here instead. Whatever he’s going through right now, I’ve learned enough over the past few days to know that I’m not the one to help him unravel it. Doesn’t make it any easier to stay put though.
Dennis reappeared about half an hour ago, and after a cursory lick of my hand and a quick snuffle around for any dog biscuits I might have hidden on my person, he turned tail, jumped up onto Bay’s pillows and has been loudly snoring ever since.
I jump as the flap flips open and Bay appears. He grins over at me as soon as he sees I’m still awake, and it dawns on me that I’ve been waiting for him. That’s why I haven’t been able to get to sleep. He’s the perfect person to pump for information about Than.
‘Hey!’ I swallow. Hmm, how to approach this . . .
‘Hi. Nice job today leading the charge. Dennis, OFF!’ He strides over to his bed and attempts to nudge the snoozing dog off his pillows. Dennis is not having any of it though, and after a quick wag of his tail promptly rolls onto his back in a full stretch and falls back to sleep. ‘Honestly, hound,’ laughs Bay, rubbing his belly affectionately.
‘So, uh . . . did Than turn up in the end?’ Damn. Not exactly casual.
‘No,’ Bay says shortly, the laughter disappearing from his face in an instant. ‘Why are you so worried, anyway? I thought you were keeping your distance?’
‘Yeah, that’s true,’ I say. Bay doesn’t need to know that I’ve been lying here, repeatedly talking myself out of going in search of Than. ‘I’m just a bit worried after he took off like that. He’s working through some pretty serious stuff.’
Bay rolls his eyes. ‘Aren’t we all?’
‘So, you really haven’t seen him?’
Bay gives me a completely unreadable look, so I stick my tongue out at him.
‘What was that for?’
‘Being a loser. I know you know what’s happened . . . Why won’t you just tell me?’
Bay hesitates, and then sighs. ‘Fine, fine. I’ll tell you. He left just as you started your walk
. Then, when we got back, Ted went to find him to talk things through and he’d gone.’
‘What do you mean, “gone”?’
‘Gone. Left. Vamoosed. All his stuff, his tent. Everything.’
‘He just left?’
‘Yup. And probably a good thing for him, after some of the crap he’s been up to. I was so close to having a word with Ted to get him kicked out anyway, especially after that stunt he pulled on you down at the river.’
‘You know, I don’t need you to babysit me. I can look after myself.’
‘Trust me, I know that. I’m more than aware that you’re capable of making your own mistakes.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ I glare at him.
‘That I know that you can look after yourself, no matter what’s thrown at you . . . even if it’s your own fault that it’s being thrown in the first place.’
‘That’s so much better, thanks for clarifying,’ I mutter. My chest feels tight and my eyes are prickling. I know I was spoiling for a fight with Than, but I didn’t expect to have one with Bay instead.
‘Look, the guy’s a total shit.’
‘He is not a shit,’ I growl at Bay, making myself jump. Dennis sits bolt upright and stares at me.
‘Tori! Why the hell are you still defending him? He was awful to you.’
‘That’s my problem.’
‘Yes, it is, but that makes it everyone’s problem while you’re here.’
‘You want me to go too?’ I get up off the bed and stand staring at him. That hurt. Bay is my friend, or I thought he was. I thought . . . I thought there was something between us; that we meant something to each other. Maybe I got it all wrong.
‘Of course I don’t want you to go,’ Bay says, running a hand roughly through his hair. ‘I just don’t want you to waste any more energy on an idiot.’
‘Well, like I said, just let me worry about myself, will you?’
The Beginner's Guide to Loneliness Page 21
