Rowan blows air into her cheeks then lets it out in a great huff.
I lean forward and rub my face. This is too much to get my head around. Nathan, Than, Nat – they’re all the same person. For whatever reason, she, I mean he, orchestrated it so that we were both here at the same time. Then he befriended me, tried to kiss me and when I turned him down, he just . . . imploded.
Now he’s disappeared and gone public with details about me that were never meant to be shared. Even though I’m starting to see that it’s not going to ruin my life, it’s definitely going to change it.
There’s still something that isn’t adding up though. Why lure me in and try to start something between us with that kiss if he was just going to completely change direction and betray me?
‘Hang on a minute!’ I squeak.
‘What?’ Rowan jumps.
‘I know why he was so randomly shitty in Claire’s session! That was the morning after I . . .’ I clear my throat, trying to swallow down the embarrassment. ‘After I sent a message to the group about liking Bay and not Than. After Than had tried to kiss me. He must have seen it.’
Rowan nods. ‘Probably. He did ask to check his emails in the mornings a couple of times before the sessions kicked off.’
‘He wasn’t checking his emails. I bet you anything that was him logging on here to check if I’d sent anything to the group!’
‘Probably hoping for a juicy update about himself,’ says Doreen, looking mildly sick.
‘And instead he got to hear that he was turning into a bit of an irritating pain in the bum and that you had the hots for Bay,’ says Rowan.
‘I never said that!’ I snap.
‘Okay, you never used the actual words, but your feelings were pretty clear.’
‘Well, at least that explains why he had that massive blow-up in Claire’s session,’ says Doreen.
‘It’s almost like he was trying to punish you,’ says Geoff.
Rowan’s eyes grow wide and I can see that this is starting to freak her out.
‘He was always trying to get me onside,’ I say, ‘like we were in some kind of private little club. I wonder if any of the stuff he shared with me was even true . . .’ I say. I don’t know if he told anyone else about his brother, and I’m certainly not going to share it, but the fact that he might have made up something so serious makes my skin crawl.
‘Well, he certainly wanted you all to himself, didn’t he?’ says Doreen. ‘Looks like he reacted pretty badly when things didn’t go his way!’
‘Thank God I didn’t go there,’ I sigh. ‘So, what do we do now?’
Doreen, Geoff and I instinctively turn to Rowan.
‘You know, I think it’s time to remind you that I’m only thirteen. Time to bring in more adults.’
‘You’ve got a point!’ I say. ‘When are your mum and dad due back?’
She looks uncharacteristically worried for a second. ‘You’re going to tell them, aren’t you?’
‘I need all the help I can get to work this mess out.’
Rowan nods but still looks worried.
‘What’s up?’ asks Doreen.
‘They’re going to find out about my business.’
‘Ah. Of course,’ says Geoff. ‘I’m sure we can figure something out.’
Rowan looks at him hopefully.
‘I’ve got it!’ I say. ‘Okay . . . it’s not going to get you completely off the hook, but it might mean you don’t get busted.’
‘I’m listening!’ she says, raising one eyebrow.
‘Well, we’re going to have to tell them that it was your phone we were accessing the internet on . . .’
Rowan’s face falls.
‘But we tell them that I convinced you to lend me your phone so I could check in with my friends. Just so they knew I was safe. No mention of money; you just did it out of the goodness of your heart.’ I raise an eyebrow at the very thought of Rowan doing this, and she smirks.
‘What about Than?’
‘Your parents know how close we were. We’ll say I told him, so he asked to borrow it too. Simple.’
‘It might work . . .’ she says.
‘Of course it will!’ Doreen chips in. ‘They’ve got no reason to doubt Tori, and it’s not like Than is around to dispute it. The only other people who know are me and Geoff, and it’s not like we’re about to dob you in!’
‘I’ll still get in trouble for lending Tori my phone. After all, it’s my fault all this happened. If he hadn’t got onto the chat, you guys wouldn’t have blown up and he wouldn’t have written that article.’
‘Listen to me, Rowan. None of this is your fault. He’d already targeted me, for whatever reason. Without you, we wouldn’t have worked any of this out. Who knows what might have happened! We don’t know why he did what he did or what he was planning, but it’s definitely better that we know about it.’
‘Mum and Dad won’t see it like that,’ she mutters and, much to my surprise, her lip wobbles.
‘I’ll make sure they do. Look, I know it’s a lot to ask,’ I say, turning to Geoff and Doreen, ‘but would you guys mind helping us explain everything to Ted and Lizzie when they get back?’
‘Of course!’ says Doreen at once.
‘Absolutely,’ agrees Geoff.
‘Thanks. Because it’s not just a case of explaining it, but figuring out what needs to happen next. I wish Bay was here.’
‘I’m sure he would too, if he knew the full story,’ says Geoff.
‘I’m dreading having to see everyone else,’ I say.
‘Well, I’m sure they’ll all be right behind you,’ says Doreen.
I nod, feeling a little glow of love for the group of oddballs that I’m now lucky enough to call friends. Every single one of them, from Emma and her insane enthusiasm to lovely Messa, giver of hugs and wearer of the finest beard I’ve ever met.
I just hope they will still think of me as a friend after all of this.
Chapter 32
The Four Faces of Loneliness
‘Loneliness has four faces: social, situational, emotional and chronic. No matter which of these you struggle with, it’s important to tear off the protective mask you wear to fool the rest of the world and take a long look at the face underneath.’
©TheBeginnersGuideToLoneliness.com
*
I don’t know how she does it, but Lizzie still manages to look like a goddess as she emerges from Ted’s rusty little Micra bearing the sleeping baby in her carry seat.
Rowan, Geoff, Doreen and I all rush towards them, and we’re suddenly one huge tangle of arms and happy tears and hugs and congratulations.
‘It’s so good to be back,’ Lizzie smiles as Rowan finally pulls back from her mother.
‘How’re you feeling?’ I ask. We’ve all come to the conclusion that there is no way we should burden Lizzie with the news the moment she’s back.
‘Great!’ she replies. ‘Tired. Sore. But, just look at her!’ She beams down at her brand new daughter who is, miraculously, still asleep. ‘But never mind me, how are you all? Ted’s been filling me in. Tori, how are you holding up? Sounds like we’ve got a lot to talk about!’
I catch Rowan’s look and Doreen stops in her tracks. Hm. Maybe our plan of letting Lizzie and Ted rest a while before dropping the next bombshell on them isn’t quite going to work out as we planned.
‘Oh, I’m fine,’ I say with a smile. Maybe I can gloss over it until later.
‘What’s that?’ Lizzie says, stopping to look at me properly, popping the carry seat down on the grass for a moment. ‘Freaked out. Insecure. Neurotic and Emotional?’
‘Mum!’ gasps Rowan.
I shrug. ‘Yep, that pretty much nails it.’ I laugh.
‘Well, if we’re sharing,’ says Doreen, ‘I’m afraid there’s quite a lot more that we need to catch you and Ted up on, when you’ve had a bit of a rest.’
‘Rest? I’ve been in bed for days. Other than having a baby, I’ve been bored sensele
ss. Rowan, help me get these things indoors and then put the kettle on. Sounds like it’s time for tea and cake.’
My heart leaps at the mention of another cup of tea – actually I’d kill for a cup of Bay’s coffee. Just the thought of Bay makes my heart twist painfully. I mustn’t think about him. I can’t go there. Not yet. Not with so many other things I need to figure out first.
*
It’s about half an hour before we’re all sitting around the long dining table in the courtyard. Between them, Rowan and Ted have managed to heft a high- backed armchair outside and have dragged it up to the head of the table for Lizzie. She’s now ensconced as comfortably as possible, supported by many cushions, and is busy feeding the little one while the rest of us squabble over the homemade biscuits that Doreen just produced, having nipped back over to the cabin to get them. The tea, however, is the usual brew of hedge clippings, so I opt for some mint in hot water instead.
The rest of the group are nowhere to be seen, and Ted tells us that they’ve all gone off on a walk with Russ and Claire so that they can share Than’s article with everyone at the same time.
‘Do you want to start?’ I ask Rowan, who’s been sitting next to her mother and baby sister, uncommonly quiet.
Rowan looks up at me with a startled expression on her face and shakes her head.
‘What’ve you done, Rowan?’ Lizzie asks, looking serious.
‘Nothing. She’s . . . well, actually, she’s pretty much saved me from something quite nasty,’ I say, not quite knowing where to start.
Doreen and Geoff both nod their agreement and I relax a little bit. ‘It’s about Than. Nathan.’
‘Is it about that article?’ asks Ted sharply.
‘No, no, this is something else. Something worse, in a way. At least, worse for me.’
Rowan looks up at me, glances at her mum and then her dad, and rolls her eyes. ‘Oh for God’s sake, this is going to take hours if I leave it to you!’ she huffs. ‘That Nathan bloke has been friends with Tori online for years, by pretending to be a woman.’
‘Huh?’ Lizzie looks completely confused and I almost let out a laugh when I see the expression on Ted’s face. I jump in quickly before Rowan manages to drop herself in it in her impatience to tell the story.
I tell them about the Warriors and our friendship. I navigate carefully around how I talked Rowan into letting me contact them a couple of times. And then how Rowan discovered what Than had been up to and how desperate she was to warn me.
‘Rowan! I can’t believe this,’ Ted says. He looks angry, and shocked, and just a little bit proud.
‘Look, it wasn’t Rowan’s fault, and as soon as she figured out that there was something off about the whole thing, she wanted to put it right.’
Rowan smiles at me.
‘But still. Why didn’t you tell me?’ Ted demands.
‘You had enough to worry about. I guess I didn’t really think Tori would be in any real danger while she was with us and had no access to the internet. I told her as soon as I could.’
‘Catfish?’ says Lizzie, as if tasting the new term on her tongue.
‘Apparently,’ I say with a shrug.
‘But I just don’t understand what he hoped to gain from meeting up with Tori here?’
‘Nothing good,’ Rowan says with a dark look. ‘You should see the horrible stuff it says about some of these cases online.’
I shudder. I don’t want to think about it.
Geoff spots my mounting discomfort and jumps in. ‘Look, I don’t think it’s going to help to talk about that now. Thanks to Rowan, we know what’s going on. Now we need to help Tori decide what to do next.’
‘Do you mean pressing charges or something?’ asks Ted.
I shake my head quickly. There’s no way I want to go down that route. What would be the point?
‘What I’m worried about now,’ says Doreen, who’s been pretty quiet so far, ‘is your other two friends on there.’
‘What about them?’ I ask. I’m not sure how I feel. I defended them to Rowan earlier, and there’s no way I believe that they could all be the same person, like Rowan suggested, but do they really not know about any of this?
‘Doreen’s right,’ says Ted. ‘They’re both pretty vulnerable, not knowing that “Nat” is a fraud. Whether they’ve seen that article yet or not, I think it’s important that you warn them. After all, Than still has access to the chatroom. He doesn’t know his cover’s blown, does he?’
Lizzie nods. ‘Actually, that’s a really good point.’
‘But what if they already know something about all this?’ Rowan asks. ‘I know you said earlier that you thought they were cool, but what if they’re in on it?’
‘Are you able to send them personal messages on there that don’t appear for the whole group?’ asks Geoff.
I nod.
‘Well, if Rowan will lend you her phone again, why don’t you send them both a private message and just ask if they’ve heard from “Nat”? You know he’s not been posting on the public bit, but he might have been talking to them privately.’
‘That’s a good idea,’ nods Lizzie, hoisting the baby onto her shoulder and patting her back. ‘Then, when they get back to you, you can decide whether to tell them everything.’
I nod slowly. ‘I guess so.’ I can hardly admit that, right now, the last thing I want to do is put my trust in another two people I’ve never met.
Doreen smiles at me gently. ‘Tori, just because Than has completely messed up his relationship with you from the start, don’t let that ruin what you’ve got with the other two.’
‘That’s just it,’ I say. ‘I’ve realized that they’re not my friends. How can they be when I’ve never even met them? They could be anybody.’ My bottom lip quivers and I bury my nose in my mug to hide the fact that, right at this moment, even though I’m surrounded by people who want to help me, I feel lonelier than I ever have before.
Chapter 33
Journey Through, Not Around
‘When faced with a tough situation, you’ve got two choices: find a way around it, or journey through it. No matter how hard it may seem, the journey through is the one that will work out better in the long run. Every time you avoid an issue, it finds a way to come back again and again.’
©TheBeginnersGuideToLoneliness.com
*
Rowan hands me her phone to contact Sue and Hugh. Even though I’d much rather scuttle off and work out these messages in private, I sit at the table with the others and log in to my account. I can see that they’ve been busy gossiping about some new Netflix show in the general chat, but there’s nothing new from Nat.
‘Okay, here goes,’ I say as I pull up a chat with Sue first. I quickly send her a message to say hello and ask if she’s heard from Nat recently. I keep it short and simple, and once I’ve done that I send an almost identical message to Hugh. ‘Done.’ I go to hand the phone back to Rowan but she shakes her head.
‘Keep it on you. Hopefully they’ll reply quickly and then we can move straight to phase two.’
I nod and leave the phone on the table in front of me so I can see any new notifications as they pop up.
‘Good,’ says Ted, clearly pleased that something practical is being done. ‘Now, I think you must try to get a bit of rest this evening, Tori. I know that’s going to be hard, but you’ve had one shock after another today.’
With that, I’m reminded of the other question I wanted to ask them. I feel a blush rising on my cheeks. ‘Actually, there was something else, if you don’t mind?’
I decide to skip straight over the sticky parts. ‘Did you show Bay the article before he left?’ I ask Ted. ‘He’d already disappeared by the time I got back from my walk with Doreen. Rowan told us he’d gone to London, but I don’t get why he’d go without talking to me?’
Ted shifts in his chair and Lizzie looks at him. Geoff and Doreen are listening intently. This is shit. I know that it’s something awful and Ted just can’t b
ring himself to tell me.
‘Look, Tori . . . I did share the article with him before he left. He needed to know about it – especially as there are photographs of him,’ says Ted. ‘But that had nothing to do with him leaving so suddenly. He had a personal emergency. I’m sure he would have stayed to speak to you and say goodbye if it hadn’t been so urgent.’
I can’t believe he didn’t think I was important enough to wait just an hour or so . . .
‘Where did he go?’ I ask.
‘London,’ replied Ted, not catching my eye.
‘What for?’
‘I’m sorry, Tori,’ Lizzie breaks in gently. ‘We can’t tell you that. It wouldn’t be fair to Bay.’
‘Look, he’s hoping to get back before the end of the course. You can discuss it then.’
‘Can’t I give him a quick call—’
‘We can’t give you his number, Tori. Sorry.’ Ted looks sheepish, but I can tell he’s not going to budge on this.
I slump my head into my hands. I feel completely defeated. I thought Bay and I had something special starting between us.
I’m just beginning to feel the spirals of panic taking hold when Rowan’s phone lights up next to me. I grab it and scroll down.
‘It’s Sue. She hasn’t heard anything from Nat,’ I say flatly.
‘That’s one down, then,’ says Ted.
‘Should I go ahead and tell her, do you think?’
‘I’d wait,’ says Rowan. ‘See what the other guy says and, if it’s the same, you can tell them both at the same time.’
I nod wearily. This feels like game-playing and I’ve had enough. All I want to do is go back to the yurt, have a cup of coffee with Bay and cuddle up with Dennis. But, of course, both of those things are now impossible.
The phone lights up again. It’s Hugh with the same news as Sue. No sign of Nat, but not to worry, as she said she was going to be having a busy few weeks. Well, he’s got that bit right at least.
‘That’s both of them,’ I say.
‘Go on, Tori, tell them. Then at least you know you don’t have to worry about them both being used against you somehow,’ says Doreen.
I nod again. I’m starting to feel a bit like the Churchill nodding dog.
The Beginner's Guide to Loneliness Page 26
