Though I didn’t want to talk about Carl, I could hardly ignore Larissa’s pointed question. I made my explanation brief and hoped she wouldn’t ask too many questions.
She arched her brows. “So this is an arranged courtship.”
“Not exactly, but my parents have been involved. I haven’t committed to Carl. I wanted to wait awhile.”
“And from what we saw this morning, it would appear Carl isn’t completely committed to the idea, either.”
I was thankful she didn’t ask why I hadn’t committed before now. I didn’t think it proper to bring up my letter to Wilhelm and my desire to visit Chicago before I decided upon marriage. What if Wilhelm hadn’t mentioned my request? Or what if she didn’t think it a good idea? We would both be embarrassed.
Even though my love for Carl remained uncertain, I had thought him kind and truthful, a man I could easily love. Perhaps that’s why Larissa’s comment stung more than I’d expected. I couldn’t quell the anger and rejection that now stirred deep inside. How would I ever forget the sight of him in the barn with Karin in his arms? What if Rudolf or one of the other young men had seen them? My cheeks turned warm at the thought. Carl wasn’t what he’d pretended to be—he had made a fool of me.
To my disappointment the buggy wasn’t waiting outside the barn when we arrived. Larissa hesitated at the door. “Would you prefer to speak to Carl alone? I can wait out here if you’d like.”
“No. I don’t want to talk to him right now. If you’re with me, it will be easier.”
Carl was waiting near the doors, and the moment we entered he rushed to my side. “We need to talk,” he whispered.
“Is the buggy ready for us? We need to be on our way.” I stared straight ahead, unable to look at him.
“Johanna, please. I can explain.”
“The buggy,” I said from between clenched teeth. My stomach roiled, and I wished I hadn’t eaten lunch.
“The horse is already hitched. I’ll get it for you.”
I turned on my heel. “We’ll wait outside.”
“He seems genuinely sorry,” Larissa said while we stood waiting outside the barn.
“Sorry? Had that been Wilhelm with another woman, would you be so easily charmed?”
Her smile faded. “No. I don’t suppose I would. Still, you said you hadn’t committed to Carl.”
“And for that I am most thankful.”
Moments later Carl drove the buggy through the double door opening and gently pulled back on the reins. “Whoa, boy,” he crooned. He jumped down from the buggy and grasped my elbow to assist me.
Twisting free of his hold, I moved toward the buggy. “Assist Larissa. I can get in and out of a buggy without your help.”
He took a step closer. “Please say you’ll talk to me later this evening,” he whispered.
I hoisted myself up into the buggy, no longer caring if Larissa heard our conversation. “You have nothing to say that interests me.”
I turned toward Larissa, who was concentrating on straightening her skirt. “Ready?”
“Yes. Whenever you are.”
I slapped the lines against the horse’s back. “Walk, Jack.”
“He understands you.” Larissa grinned, obviously impressed the horse had followed my command.
“Too bad Carl isn’t as well behaved as this horse,” I muttered.
For so long I had looked forward to meeting Larissa, and now it seemed nothing would go right. Between Mother and Carl, the excitement of this visit had lost much of the anticipated luster. At least there should be no unexpected surprises on the visit to East, and seeing the lambs would provide a good diversion—and an opportunity to ask about Louisa’s baby.
We were well on the way when I gathered my courage. “I wondered if Tante Louise wanted the cookie cutter because she will one day want to make the rabbit cookies for her baby.”
Larissa stared at me. “A baby? Louisa?”
I nodded. “I understand she has a baby.”
“Wherever did you hear such a thing? You’re the only baby Louisa has ever had.”
I gasped. “What did you say?”
She clapped a hand to her mouth and shook her head. “I’m sorry.” She continued to repeat the muffled apology until I yanked her hand away from her mouth.
“What do you mean? Tell me!” I pulled back on the reins. “Whoa, Jack.” The horse clopped to a halt, and I turned to face –Larissa. “Are you telling me that you think Louisa is my mother?”
Larissa stared at me, her eyes brimming with tears. “I’m so sorry. I promised I’d never tell. And I didn’t mean to. It slipped out. Oh, what am I going to do? Wilhelm will never forgive me. Your parents will never forgive me. Your mother will never speak to me again.”
“Stop!”
She gulped a breath of air. “Please forgive me.”
“Larissa, I want you to quit asking me to forgive you and tell me what you’re talking about. Louisa is my mother? Are you certain?”
She bobbed her head. “Yes. The family agreed you would grow up as Frank and Emilie’s daughter. No one was ever to know. Louisa left Amana and went to Iowa City until you were born. About a year after your birth, she left Iowa City and moved to Chicago.”
I felt as though I might faint. None of this could be true. Surely it was impossible. How could I have grown up in Amana and been blind to the truth? Never had I heard an inkling of gossip, nothing that had ever caused me to wonder about my parents. I cupped my forehead in my hand. “Who knows this?”
Perspiration dotted Larissa’s face, and she reached into her reticule for a handkerchief. “I don’t think anyone but your family.”
That made no sense. Others had to have known. My parents couldn’t have suddenly appeared with a baby. Questions would have been asked. My mind reeled, and once again I felt lightheaded. My entire life was a lie.
Larissa wrung the handkerchief around her fingers. “Maybe I misunderstood. Let’s don’t say anything and pretend I never mentioned a word of this.”
I looked directly into her pale blue eyes, incredulous she could even put voice to such a farfetched comment. “I’m sorry, Larissa, but I can’t simply push this from my thoughts. I know you didn’t intend to break your confidence or to hurt me in any way, but this is something I must discuss with my parents.” I picked up the reins and flicked the horse’s rump. “Walk, Jack.”
“They’ll never forgive me,” she whispered. “I know they won’t.
I can only hope that Wilhelm won’t hold this against me.”
I ignored her plaintive remarks. She was trying to sway my decision, but I couldn’t disregard what she’d told me. Yet if there was any possibility she’d misunderstood, great damage could be done if I wrongfully accused my parents. “Perhaps I should speak to Wilhelm before I say anything to my parents. Just to be sure.”
She bobbed her head. “Yes, that might be better. Maybe if he answers your questions, it won’t be necessary to say anything to your mother and father.”
I didn’t agree, but I didn’t say so. If my parents weren’t really my mother and father, there was nothing Wilhelm could say or do to suppress the need for a confrontation with them. If Larissa was correct and my entire life was based upon deceit and lies, whom could I trust? Throughout the remainder of the afternoon, I considered what questions I would ask Wilhelm and what I would do if Larissa’s claim was true. At first I told myself it changed everything. Later, I thought it might change nothing.
Wilhelm and my father were scheduled to return by late afternoon. I hoped Father would be at the barn by the time we returned the buggy. Carl wouldn’t dare say anything in front of him. And though the pleasure of seeing the new lambs had diminished, we remained in East for several hours—until I thought Wilhelm and Father would be back in Middle.
“You need to arrange for me to speak alone with Wilhelm. Could you suggest he go to the hotel so we could talk there?”
Larissa agreed the hotel would be best. “Let’s hope yo
ur father doesn’t decide to come along.”
“He won’t. After being gone from work all day, he’ll want to make certain everything is in order upon his return.”
I sighed with relief when I saw Wilhelm standing next to my father outside the barn. At least one thing had gone as planned. Larissa smiled and waved to Wilhelm, though I could see her smile was forced. She kissed his cheek as he helped her down from the buggy.
Wilhelm’s brows furrowed. “You feel warm. I hope you didn’t get too much sun. Are you feeling ill?”
“Just a bit tired. I was hoping you would escort Johanna and me to the hotel. She’s had little time to visit with you, and we thought it would be nice if the three of us could spend some time together.” She turned to my father. “I’m sure you have work that needs your attention before supper.”
“Ja. The three of you go to the hotel and have your visit. I need to speak with Carl and make certain there were no problems while I was gone.”
I grinned at Larissa. If nothing else, at least I’d been correct about my father’s reaction. While we walked to the hotel, Larissa regaled Wilhelm with tales of our shopping and the places we had visited. I thought she sounded artificial and insincere, but Wilhelm didn’t seem to notice. He hung on her every word and appeared amused to hear about the lambs.
“I’m pleased you enjoyed yourself. And how about you, Johanna?
Did you have a pleasant day?”
“It has been one of the most memorable days of my life.”
“I’m very glad to hear my two favorite ladies have become friends,” he said, unlocking the door to their hotel rooms. He stepped back and waited while Larissa and I entered.
“Johanna met with some unexpected news on many fronts,”
Larissa said. She glanced in my direction as Wilhelm directed her toward the divan.
His eyes shone with delight when he looked at her. “Then you must tell me what happened, Johanna. Life in Amana doesn’t usually present surprises.”
Though I’d been told all of the hotel rooms were nice, this one boasted a finely appointed sitting room that was larger than the one in our home. I was certain they had rented the most expensive rooms in the hotel. Larissa and Wilhelm sat side by side on the upholstered horsehair sofa. I chose a chair to Wilhelm’s right. I looked to Larissa for direction, but she kept her gaze fastened to the floor.
“You met Carl when you were at the barns?” I asked.
Wilhelm nodded. “I did. Father seems to like him very much, says he’s a good worker and a good man.”
“Ja. I thought he was a good man, too.” I blurted what I’d seen in the barn, the picture still vivid in my mind. “I was overcome and thankful to have Larissa with me.”
“I’m sorry, Johanna.” I heard the concern in his voice. “Have you thought that maybe there’s more to what happened? You should consider speaking to Carl. There may be some explanation. Larissa can tell you that men sometimes make foolish mistakes.”
Larissa patted her husband’s hand. “Johanna needs time to come to her own decision, Wilhelm. This has been a difficult day. Give her time.”
Wilhelm nodded and squeezed Larissa’s hand. “I’m pleased that the two of you have gotten on so well. I told Larissa the two of you would become fast friends, but I don’t think she believed me.”
“Indeed, Larissa and I have become friends, Wilhelm. We’ve had much to talk about. She’s told me many things about Chicago.”
“Today it was me who made a foolish mistake, Wilhelm.” Larissa reached for his hand. “I told her about Louisa. It was a mistake—I swear I didn’t mean to. We were talking, and it just slipped out.”
A deafening silence fell over the room. Not a muscle in my brother’s body moved as he stared at her. Finally he turned, and I saw the horror in his eyes. It was true. All these years they’d hidden my identity. All these years I’d thought my parents were honest, and truthful, and dependable. This moment that image shattered.
Wilhelm’s complexion paled, and he scooted to the edge of the sofa. “Listen to me, Johanna. They thought it was best—for everyone. For you, for Louisa, for Mutter and Vater. I understand that to find out like this is a terrible blow, but you know that they love you the same as they love me. They think of you as their own. What Larissa has told you changes nothing.”
I stared at him in disbelief. “Changes nothing? It changes everything, Wilhelm! I don’t even know my own Mutter. And who is my Vater?”
He shook his head. “I don’t know. Louisa never told me.”
“She’s never even bothered to come and see me.” The profundity shook me to the core. How could she ignore her own flesh and blood? Never care to speak to me or know my thoughts.
“Don’t blame her too much. She was unmarried when you were born, and she wanted to be certain you would have good parents.
She asked Mutter and Vater to raise you as their own. They agreed on the condition that she would remain out of your life and no one know you were her child.”
I cupped my hands over my face, unable to fathom the totality of what I was hearing. “Why didn’t anyone in Amana ever tell me? Others had to know. If this is true, one of them would have mentioned this to me years ago.” How could something so impossible be true?
“Louisa moved to Iowa City as soon as she realized she was pregnant. After the agreement was made, Mutter told several women she was expecting a child. As time passed, she added some padding here and there. No one suspected anything. Vater and I went to Iowa City and brought you home. Any questions were easily explained away.”
“And Louisa went off to live a good life in Chicago.”
“No. She had a very difficult time for the first few years of your life. She wanted to return, but she’d given her word. And if she had asked to return and live in one of the other villages, people would have asked questions.” He rested his arms atop his legs. “Louisa has a comfortable life, but she has paid dearly for her past. She and her husband have never been able to have another child. None of us meant to hurt you.” Shoulders bent low and head bowed, Wilhelm clasped his hands together.
After years of lies, his words rang hollow. Forgiveness for any of them didn’t rise to the surface. But in that moment one thing became clear: I must meet Louisa, talk to her, and learn for myself the entire truth of this unbelievable tale. I couldn’t grasp the depth of what I’d heard. My stomach churned, and I pressed my palm to my midsection.
“When you answered my letter, you didn’t say anything about having me come to Chicago for a visit. Why is that, Wilhelm?”
“It would be difficult—for everyone.” Slowly he lifted his head. “Larissa and I would enjoy your company. She has spoken of nothing else since she learned of your request, but—”
“But what, Wilhelm? Mutter and Vater wouldn’t approve? Are you afraid they’ll be angry with you? What about me? All of you have kept this secret from me. Don’t I have a right to meet Louisa? To at least spend a little time with her?”
Beads of perspiration dotted Wilhelm’s forehead, and he reached for his handkerchief. “Now that you know, it might be better if Louisa came here. I can speak to her and to Mother and Father— see if they all agree.”
“If they all agree? This should be my choice.” Tears threatened and I swallowed hard. I didn’t want to cry. “I am not a child. This would be the perfect time for me to visit Chicago. It will help me forget about Carl and Karin, I can meet Louisa, and I can travel with you and Larissa. How can you deny this isn’t the best time?”
He waivered for a moment, and I thought he was going to agree. “If you appeared without any notice, it would come as a terrible shock to Louisa.”
My resolve failed, and a tear trickled down my cheek. “And you think this has not been a shock to me, Wilhelm? I think they did what was easy for them, not what was gut for me.”
CHAPTER 22
I listened and tried to understand Wilhelm’s pleas and explanations. He did his best to convince me that Louisa
wanted to meet me; that her sorrow ran deep; that she’d done the best she could under the circumstances; that had she remained in Amana, her disgrace would have been unbearable.
“You need to remember that people make mistakes. Our parents thought they were doing what was best for you. You became their daughter. I don’t know what Mother would have done if she hadn’t had you when Pieter died.”
One after another the excuses rolled off his tongue. One after another I dismissed them and wondered what other family secrets I might discover before I died.
Anger and pain joined forces and settled on my chest with an unbearable weight. I tried to inhale a full breath but instead managed only a ragged, shallow gasp. Except for a few hours of shopping, the entire day had been a disaster. I gave in to my emotions and permitted the tears to roll down my cheeks unchecked. Wilhelm folded my hands between his and gently squeezed, a gesture I considered his silent plea to forgive all of them.
“To remain locked in anger won’t change the past, Johanna.
Nothing any of us say or do can roll back time and start again.”
“I understand nothing can change the past, but I thought our family lived a life based on truth. We grew up being told we should never lie or deceive others. My entire life is a lie, Wilhelm. Can’t you see that? And you chose Louisa over me. For all these years you thought it more important to protect her lie rather than speak the truth.”
He shook his head. “I have protected you, as well, Johanna. Learning the truth has created nothing but havoc. It would have done the same if you’d heard it when you were a young girl—the time never would have been right to disclose the truth. No matter your age, you would have suffered from pain and confusion. I thought it better that you go to the grave never knowing. But we can’t change what has happened.”
“I’m so sorry, Wilhelm,” Larissa murmured. “Your parents will never forgive me. They’ll never want me to come back here again.”
Wilhelm sat back and stared across the room. “I’ll take responsibility. It’s because of me that this happened. I’m the one who told you, so the blame should fall upon my shoulders.”
Judith Miller - [Daughters of Amana 01] Page 20
