by S S Bazinet
Elise pulled away and returned to her laptop. With a few key strokes, she deleted the file she was working on.
Arel walked over to see what she was doing. “What’s going on?”
Elise turned and put Arel’s arms around her. “I got rid of the latest story. I’m going back to where I want to be, in your arms.”
“Elise, that’s your work. You love writing.”
“There will always be more stories, but there’ll never be another man like you, my darling. When you were created, I think those angels you talk about celebrated.”
“Really? Do you really think I’m worth the trouble?”
Elise hugged him tight. “Yes, I do.”
* * * * *
After William informed Rolphe and Michael that he was taking a walk, he was relieved to get out of the house. He needed time to clear his thoughts. They were more of a jumble than ever after his encounter with Col. He was headed down the sidewalk when he met Carey. The angel looked his normal, happy self as he was returning from Peggy’s. “How’s everything going with our neighbors?”
Carey smiled. “Peggy is better. She says you helped her. But what about you? Are you feeling alright physically?”
“I think it’ll take a while for my body to get back to normal. But for now, I’m trying to figure out how to handle Col.”
“Want some company? I’d like to get some air too.”
William almost said no and caught himself. “Fine, you might be able to answer some questions.”
Carey stuck his hands in his jeans and started walking at a leisurely pace. “Col is a bit of a tough customer. What would you like to know?”
“Do you think Arel violated his freedom of choice?”
“Why would you ask me that?”
“Because I’m beginning to think Col and I have a common complaint about Arel. And that bothers me more than I can say. But according to Annabel, Arel isn’t to blame.”
“If this thing is bothering you so much, why don’t you access some answers yourself? I’d be happy to help.”
William felt himself shying away from the suggestion. “The only thing I ever wanted was to be left alone. But dammit, Arel was such a pathetic person when we met. So I saved his life, went my own way and believed that was the end of it. But could he be thankful and get happy?”
“William, he thought you ruined his life. Even if he was miserable, he felt like you and Col felt. You can throw Rolphe into the mix too. All four of you felt that someone violated your freedom. But it’s not true from my standpoint. I don’t see any of you as victims any more than I see myself as one.”
“A victim is the last thing I want to be, but what choice does a human being have when they’re born? They’re helpless infants.”
“I thought you were making some headway with all that. You were beginning to see that there’s another aspect to who you are. That part believes you can choose to be happy and create a wonderful life.”
“Maybe you’re right. But when Col took me out recently, I was right back in childhood where a bully made all the rules.”
“Arel demonstrated something very different when he contained Col.”
“Yes, he did, and afterwards I felt like I was the one who failed where he succeeded.”
“Arel has struggled very hard to get to where he is. He had to let go of a lot of baggage. You know that.”
“And I haven’t? How much more do I have to do?”
“Maybe this will help. The bigger the fish, the harder it is to land it. It’s going to put up quite the fight before you get it into the boat.”
“Why are we talking about fish?”
“William, a person’s mind is a bit like a fish. When a mind is convinced it knows best, it can be very difficult for the real you to have a say in your life. When you’re dealing with a very powerful mind like yours, it’s even harder. In Col’s case, he’s gotten to a point where his mind totally runs the show.”
“But Arel made Col aware that he also has a heart.”
“So what? You’re aware of your heart too, but you just said you feel victimized.”
“Then what good is the heart?”
“It’s useless if you think that feelings involve nothing but pain. That’s why Col is stuck. On the other hand, you’ve hung in there. In lifetime after lifetime, you tried to find a way back to yourself.”
William let out a bitter laugh. “Myself? Who’s that?”
“He’s the person who had the capacity to know beauty and how to love the natural world as a child. He’s the person who recognized a fellow brother when he met Arel. He’s a person who’s compassionate and kind even when he wants to be left alone. As for being like Col, you’re nothing alike. So stop tormenting yourself with that idea.”
“What’s the difference?”
“Col’s given up on himself. You haven’t.”
Sixty-Four
ANNABEL KNOCKED ON Rolphe’s door and waited. After a few moments, Michael opened the door. “Annabel, what can I do for you?”
“William’s out for a walk, but he said that Rolphe wasn’t well. I wanted to check on him.”
Michael gestured her in. “I’m sure he’d appreciate the company. While you’re here, I have a few things to attend to.”
After Michael left, Annabel walked over to Rolphe’s bedside. Rolphe smiled at her, but he didn’t say anything. “Did something happen with Col?” she asked.
“I made a mistake, but I’m recovering.”
“What kind of mistake?”
Rolphe avoided Annabel’s eyes. “Can we talk about something else?”
“What would you like to talk about?”
Rolphe stared at his clasped hands. They were resting on his broad chest. “I didn’t know you when you were William’s angel, but I sometimes wonder what that was like. What did you think about him and his behavior? What did you think about humans in general?”
Annabel shrugged. “It was easy to love all of you.”
“Was it like being a parent trying to help a bunch of children?”
“Not exactly. It’s more like trying to help a blind person when you see them headed towards danger.”
“Did you like your job?”
Annabel sat down on the side of Rolphe’s bed. “It’s what angels do. They don’t think in terms of liking or disliking their job.”
“Remember when Arel thought the Creator made a mistake making humans? You must have a very unique viewpoint on the subject since you’ve been both.”
“Perhaps, but I never thought of it that way.”
“When I was with Col and I was meditating, I think it was a little like being an angel. I was at peace. Problems didn’t seem to exist. Then Myra got involved, and it all became very complicated.”
“Do you wish you hadn’t had to come back to the physical world?”
“It was difficult. I immediately felt so much anxiety, especially about Myra.” Rolphe gave Annabel a quick glance and smiled. “I also felt how much I loved her.”
“Maybe you’re right. Maybe you do know a little about what I experienced giving up my wings.”
“Was it worth it? Letting go of the peace and serenity for those feelings of passion?”
Annabel laughed. “The excitement of being with William was more glorious than anything I could have imagined.”
“And yet I’m told you decided not to stay with him.”
“You don’t understand! Look at how Col almost killed him recently. The thought of losing him made me hate being in love!” As soon as she said it, Annabel started crying. “I’m sorry. I can’t believe I’d say such a thing.”
“Maybe it was the fear talking, not the real you.”
Annabel quickly swiped her tears away. “William said I’m hiding behind my fear.”
Rolphe reached out and patted her hand. “If that’s true, then maybe it’s time to come out of hiding.”
Annabel paused. If she let herself see life without her worries, everything would
be so different. If she tried very hard, she could even imagine herself as someone very sure and calm. She stood up, leaned over Rolphe and kissed his cheek. “You’re very wise, Rolphe.”
Rolphe’s eyes brightened. “Annabel, I wonder. Have you ever thought that you might still have your wings?”
Annabel shrugged. “Maybe I don’t need wings to be okay.”
Sixty-Five
AFTER HE GOT home from his walk, William returned to Arel’s bedroom. It was empty. He almost smiled. It was a relief not to have Arel staring at him, monitoring everything like some mother hen.
William had decided to give Col one more shot. After Carey’s reassurance that he wasn’t like Col after all, he felt more confident. He realized he even had some small measure of compassion for Col. William couldn’t think of anything more tragic than forsaking one’s true self.
He closed the door and took a seat. His body felt more relaxed than it had in a long time. Maybe it was because Carey had made him aware of all the labels he’d been carrying around. The angel pointed out that William had a definite tendency to measure himself against others. It made sense. He’d always had to measure himself against his father. Who was stronger? Who gave the orders?
Those feelings of competition had been transferred to Arel. But Arel was nothing like William’s father. One had a heart. The other didn’t. Or more precisely, William’s father had no relationship with the vessel in his chest. Arel, on the other hand, was so heart based that he sometimes failed to think clearly. Fortunately, he was coming into some kind of balance.
But perhaps William needed balance too. He’d always depended on being clear and thinking things through, but he’d been a little like his father when it came to his heart. A person didn’t put their heart out there when they knew it would be trampled on. But who was going to trample it now? His father was long dead.
He’d have to give the matter more consideration later. For now, he wanted to get his visit to Col over with. When he heard a knock on the door, he had to rein in his agitation. If it was Arel knocking, he’d put off his trip until later. “Who is it?” he demanded.
Carey swung open the door. “Going to check on Col?”
William relaxed a little. “Yes, and I suppose you want to come along this time too.”
“It could be interesting.”
William had never had any extensive conversations with the angel, but he saw the value in what they’d discussed. “If you want to waste your time on some lost soul, come along.”
Carey walked over and sat down. “Thanks.”
“I have a question. When Michael accompanied me the last time, he showed up looking like a true angel, you know what I mean, golden armor and all that. Why?”
“Michael allows the circumstances to dictate how he appears.”
“Col was mildly affected for about two seconds, but all in all, I don’t think it mattered to him.”
“Did it matter to you?”
William thought about how grand Michael could appear. The angel did inspire strength. “I was reminded of the time I had to head up that army of angels. It was a very intense challenge. I couldn’t believe it when Arel insisted on a crazy battle of good versus evil. Both you and Michael were impressive to say the least.”
“So were you, William. You helped Arel come back when he almost lost his way.”
“I guess I did.”
“Try to keep that in mind when you visit Col again.”
“I have no idea how to approach him.”
“Could I make a suggestion? Don’t try to figure that out. Just keep remembering who you were on that battlefield. Remember how beautifully you did your job.”
“When Arel and his horde of soldiers were hell bent on taking us all out, I did what I needed to do. At the same time, I promised myself that I wouldn’t harm anyone, especially Arel. Am I supposed to do the same thing with Col?”
“Trust yourself.”
“I already tried that in London, and it didn’t work.”
“In London, you were filled with anger and a need to prove something. When you visited Col, those were weapons he knew how to use. He’s become a master of those emotions. But you’re a master too, William. You just don’t know it.”
* * * * *
When William found himself in Col’s enclosure, he was still clueless. Carey had tried to help him. The angel had made recommendations about trusting himself, but what did that mean?
He’d always considered himself a rational man, one who did everything he could to make sense of his life. He still didn’t have any answers. He only knew that he didn’t want to think anymore. Most of all, he didn’t want to think about a soul named Col, especially when Col greeted him with a malicious smile.
“William, I’ve been considering what’s happened, and I realize how I’ve mishandled our relationship.”
William looked away, refusing to acknowledge Col’s mention of a relationship, but that didn’t stop Col from continuing on.
“First of all, I’d like to apologize. When I stabbed you in the heart, I didn’t think it was any big deal.”
William gave Col a hateful glance. “I almost died.”
“True, but I did have a good reason for my actions.”
William’s patience was wearing very thin. “You love torturing people.”
“Right again, but if you had died, you wouldn’t need a heart. Look at me. I’m so much better off without one.”
“You’re a fiend, a soulless villain of the worst kind.”
Col let out a sneering laugh. “But I stabbed the right man, didn’t I? I glimpsed your dream.”
“Stay out of my head, Col, I’m warning you.”
“But William, you suffered horribly in that dream, much more horribly than when I stabbed you. Everything you loved was burning, and your great soul was devastated. But I suffered too. I was the brother lying next to you.”
“That wasn’t you. The man in my dream had wings.”
“Yes, but they weren’t angel wings. They represented the wings of the innocent. And at one time, I was that innocent, William. We both were. We fought side by side, trying to keep the Earth safe from the true villains. People like your father. But after so many lifetimes and so much pain watching the Earth being destroyed, some of us couldn’t stand it any longer. We couldn’t go on fighting losing battles. The pain became too great. Renouncing the heart and embracing ignorance helped dull the misery.”
William didn’t know what to say. Col was right. When he thought about the dream and reflected on his life, he knew he’d always carried a crushing burden. He’d felt responsible for protecting every animal in the field and bird in the air. But he couldn’t save anything. Visions of childhood haunted him if he let himself remember. Foxes screaming as the hounds tore them apart. Birds being shot out of the skies, raining down by the hundreds on a good shooting day. Blood soiling the ground. So much innocent blood being spilled for sport. The pain of failure was too much to bear.
Col edged a little closer. “You don’t ever have to feel that pain again, William. Join me. Become my brother. And we’ll have no mercy on those who defile what we wanted to save.”
William let himself connect with Col’s black eyes. He remembered when he’d been at their mercy the first time he met Col.
Col laughed. “You felt my power, didn’t you? Together we could be so much more powerful. Two masters joined together with a common goal, punishing the wicked.”
William stepped back and let their connection deepen. In an instant, he was transported back to his dream. The ancient trees were almost gone, smoldering skeletons of their former selves. Ash fell from the sky like the birds had fallen on his father’s estate. The earth beneath him was charred and barren. Darkness was gobbling up the light. In the midst of it all, he remembered Arel. Arel hadn’t allowed the dream to destroy him. He’d put out the fire and called William back to life. He’d even smiled when William discovered Arel had given himself wings. William couldn’
t help but smile too at the audacity of the man, the man who wouldn’t give up on him.
Carey moved close to William’s other side. “You’re not meant to carry any burdens, William. You’re not meant to fight continual battles. You’re meant to love the gift of life and create with joy.”
“Don’t listen to him!” Col yelled.
William suddenly felt like he was being torn apart. Col yanking and pulling from one side, and Carey’s kind words urging him to stand firm. He gave into his weariness and took a seat on the bench. Shutting his eyes, he was surprised by the feeling that came over him. Rolphe and Arel had sat where he sat, and their serene energy was still there. He tapped into those feelings and began to relax. Col’s shouts drifted away.
* * * * *
Ignoring Col, William enjoyed a moment of quiet. He didn’t want to keep fighting. He didn’t want to keep thinking about problems. He wanted to let the tension in his body go. He wanted to feel the sense of ease that his friends had left behind.
Carey’s hand on his shoulder strengthened his resolve. He could feel Carey’s perfectly balanced command of himself. The angel who acted like the happy-go-lucky young man in torn jeans, was sharing another aspect of who he really was. William had never felt so much gentle warmth and joy before.
Reveling in that warmth, letting it comfort him like a soft blanket on a wintry day, he heard a voice. He sensed it came from a bigger part of himself, and it spoke with absolute authority. William knew better than resist its instruction. It told him to follow Carey’s directive, to see all things anew.
Taking in a great breath and releasing it, he opened his eyes and had to steady himself. What was he looking at?
He was suspended in space. There were no stars or any sign of anything tangible. Instead of feeling scared or upset, he found his surroundings comforting. He had a very definite knowing, a feeling so certain that it couldn’t be questioned. The void around him wasn’t empty. It felt alive with a presence. And the presence was everywhere. Some would call it love, but it had nothing to do with the love defined by most humans. This love was the breath of the Divine, and it gave life to everything in Creation.
