by Laura Winter
11
Clara
I leaned over the toilet and threw up again, coughing to catch my breath. I thought the last time had been the remainder of what I had in my stomach, but I was wrong. I flushed again before standing up at the sink. Another splash of cold water brought me back to reality and I brushed again. Even in the pitch black, I could see enough of a reflection, far from what I used to be. The girl that looked back was pale from throwing up for the last ten minutes, with green eyes that were dull and sunken from sleeplessness. How did it get this bad?
I wasn’t pregnant; I had already eliminated that possibility, which meant only one thing. I walked out of the room and stared at Aidan, still sleeping in bed. Everything I suspected was true. He was using his powers on me. He was after something and he needed me for it, but I couldn’t remember what it was. I couldn’t remember anything he had done to me. God, what had he done to me?
I had been using him too, but I was losing control over myself for it. I hated staying with him, but it was the easiest way to access The Complex at night. I needed answers, and I needed to do it quietly. It was also the only way I could manage reading Aidan’s thoughts, something I couldn’t do if he was awake, but it was taking too long. His thoughts were too jumbled and incoherent when he was sleeping.
He shifted as I slid back into bed, wrapping his arm around my hips as he pulled me closer. His thoughts faded out in my head as he started to wake up. Disgusted by the hell I had gone through while he slept happily, I shoved his arm off me and scooted back to my space in the bed. He sat up in bed and growled.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing,” I lied. “I just want to go back to sleep.”
Aidan tried to pull me in again, but I pushed away harder. That didn’t go over well. Before I could realize my mistake, his foot planted into my back as he kicked me off the bed.
But I didn’t land on the floor. I was standing somewhere dark, yet familiar. The morning sun started to slide through the trees at high speed, almost as quickly as I realized I was standing in the clearing. Confused, I turned around…
And walked straight into my dad’s knife. He stood there, smiling as lightning crashed all around us without storm clouds. With each gasp of air, he shoved the knife deeper and twisted harder. His face was inches from mine as I felt the blood spill out of my lips. His smile curled into fury.
“Sweet dreams, darling daughter.”
I curled into a ball on something soft, trying to keep the blood from spilling out around me. The knife. I needed to leave the knife in, no matter how much it hurt. I had to stop the bleeding.
But I wasn’t bleeding. There was no knife. I wasn’t outside.
I jumped as a plate fell down in the kitchen to my left. No, not a plate. The last plate. All of the contents of the cabinets were shattered on the kitchen floor, my mom protecting herself with her arms over her head in the middle of the disaster.
A disaster that I caused. I had sat down on the couch because I was exhausted. I hadn’t actually planned on falling asleep.
“Clara?” My mom asked, her voice panicked. “What just happened? Are you okay?”
She ran over to me and pulled me into her arms as I started to sob. I dug my face into her chest, my breath ragged and heavy as I lost control of my emotions. But she didn’t rush me. She held me close, brushing her hand over the back of my head as she calmed me down. It must have been forever that we sat in silence before she finally spoke.
“Baby girl, please. What happened? What was that?” She loosened her grip around me, just enough so I could move my head to speak.
“Mom, I’m so sorry. I’ve been afraid to tell you. I didn’t want you to worry about me,” I said through my sniffling. I shifted my legs out from under me so I wasn’t leaning all my weight into her.
She sighed. “You’ve been having nightmares, haven’t you? How long have you been dealing with them?”
Her voice was sad, and I didn’t want to look at her face. I was ashamed.
“Three months,” I choked out, trying to keep myself from crying again. I wanted to sit up, but she just held me closer. I breathed into her shirt. “Mom, I can’t stop them. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Sweetie, why wouldn’t you tell me? I want to help you,” she said, picking up my face in her hands. “What are the nightmares about? Tell me what I can do.”
I hesitated, biting my lip. “I die. Dad, Richard… he stabs me, or he chokes me, and I see it over and over again. It helps when Nate is with me but not always. It isn’t getting worse, but it isn’t any better either. I don’t understand why this is still such a problem for me.” I looked up into her eyes. “It’s over with, so why does it still haunt me? How are you able to cope with it? Why can’t I be strong like you?”
She sighed, moving some hair out of my face before pressing her forehead into mine. “It’s different for me, but for you? You had to fight against your father. He betrayed you, tortured you, used Aidan to manipulate you… that’s a heavy burden, and no one should have to deal with that.” She pulled away and kissed my forehead. “I can’t imagine what you went through all those years. All of that time and I had no idea what was going on right in front of me.”
I frowned and sat back to look at her. “That’s the thing. I don’t know what I went through because I can’t remember Finnley. But all of this? Everything I’m going through now? I stopped trying to remember because I was afraid it would get worse. I know you want me to be Finnley, but I don’t know what happened to her. I don’t know what torture she had to endure from Richard and Aidan, and I’m terrified to find out. I don’t want to be her.”
My mom let out a breath and hung her head. “Sweetie, I don’t want you to be Finnley. I want you to be you. I was selfish in trying to get you to remember your past because I wanted you to remember me. All this time I thought you were giving up on me. I should have thought about what else would come with that memory. It was a horrible thing for me to ask of you.”
I reached forward and pulled her into my arms, finally understanding why she had been so distant around me. “I’m so sorry, mom. I didn’t realize what I was doing to you either.” I leaned back and looked into her eyes. “I know I can’t remember who I used to be, and I know it won’t be the same to you, but I want to build this relationship again. I know what I’m asking for isn’t easy, especially because you knew who I was, but can you try to do this with me? I’m having a really hard time right now, and I don’t know what to do, but I know I don’t want to lose you. Not again.”
She smiled in relief. “You aren’t going to lose me. I love you, and I promise I’ll be better.”
“I love you too. I still have to remind myself to open up to Nate, so please be patient with me. I promise I’m trying.”
“I know you are, but about the other day with Nate. I know I overreacted the other day when you came home. I love Nate, and I know he really cares about you, so I shouldn’t have thrown all those questions at you,” she said, taking my hands.
“But it was good for us to think about. It doesn’t change our minds, but we have been able to talk about more things.” I decided I’d wait for Nate before I told her that we were actually engaged. “Like kids. I think Nate wants kids someday, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for that. Is that going to ruin what we have?”
“It is something you’ll have to work out together. You two share a special connection that no one really understands. I’m sure you’ll figure it out when the time comes.” She squeezed my hands. “And I’ll talk to Angie and Tom about letting you and Nate stay together. You do realize we know you sneak around, right?”
I blushed but was more surprised that she was okay with the idea. “You’re really okay with this?”
“We knew before and didn’t stop you, even if we weren’t entirely happy about it. But if it helps keep your nightmares in control and can aid in working through this, I think it’s worth being okay with it. As l
ong as you two are safe and careful,” she added.
I hesitated, but I needed to know if my nightmare was real. I pushed down the guilt. “I stayed with Aidan a lot, didn’t I?”
My mom frowned and nodded. “Why do you ask?”
“I think some of the fluff around my nightmares are partial memories. I was using Aidan to get close to The Complex. I wanted to find out more about the Cold Soul and what was wrong with me, but he was using me right back. In this dream, I was sick, but I knew I wasn’t pregnant which meant he was using his powers to keep me close. It also meant…”
I trailed off. I didn’t like having to tell her about being with Aidan, but it also felt like a pressure was lifting off my chest. Maybe talking more would help.
My mom shifted slightly. “The closer you got to your Trials, the more distant you got with me and everyone around you. I don’t think that was entirely your fault, but rather a mixture of the Cold Soul, Aidan, and your father. Look, we don’t have to talk about this right now. We don’t know how to get your memories back anyway, but let’s not push it. One outburst at a time. But I’ll help you with whatever you need if you ask.”
I gave her another hug. “Thank you. For everything.”
12
Nate
Clara crawled on top of me and woke me up by kissing me hard. Over the last few weeks since we had been allowed to stay together, she had been sleeping better, and her mood seemed to be improving. I was thankful for that, but it also meant I got woken up like this a lot.
“I love you, but if you keep waking me up before I’m ready, I’m going to throw you off the bed,” I groaned, trying to blink and wake up. She ignored me, laughing as she dug her face into my neck.
“I figured you’d be in a better mood since prom is tonight,” she said, nuzzling into my ear. “Also, House fixed up the treehouse so we can pretend to run away tonight. You promised we would one day.”
She sat up, her hair hanging loosely in a knotted mess on top of her head. I reached up and tucked a loose strand behind her ear.
“You also promised you’d brush your hair,” I replied as I flipped her over. I slid on top and moved my lips from her jaw to her collarbone.
“I just woke up and you expect my hair to look good? You have unrealistic standards,” she said, poking my side. “Our moms are helping Luci and I get ready so that’s when it’ll get brushed. You can get ready at Glitch’s house because yours is getting taken over by the girls.”
I felt the goosebumps on her skin as I slid my hands under her shirt, tracing her spine with my fingers. She smiled and reached around me, flipping me back over and dropping her body on top of mine.
I pulled her in tighter. “How long do we have until we meet Glitch and Luci for coffee?”
“I don’t know and I don’t care at the moment. We can be late,” she said, squishing her nose against mine as she kissed me.
* * *
Glitch and Luci were making cute faces at each other and didn’t notice us sit down until Clara reached across the table and stole the sugar jar.
He raised an eyebrow. “Nice of you to join us.”
I just shrugged. I had never been late for anything until Clara came into my life.
“We were busy,” Clara said, pulling the lid off her cup to start dumping the sugar.
Glitch just rolled his eyes. “Gross.”
Luci was starting to get used to Clara being blunt and laughed. Now that C and I were engaged, and Luci knew us better, I didn’t really feel the need to be embarrassed anymore.
“Well, since you two were late for coffee,” Luci sang, “Glitch officially asked me to be his girlfriend. A lot gets done when we kill time waiting for you.” She leaned in as Glitch put his arm around her.
“Congratulations! You two are adorable together,” Clara said excitedly, her mouth full of donut.
“That’s awesome, guys,” I chimed in. “Look at us, the four best friends challenging the social norms of high school.”
Luci grinned. “Yeah, I gave up being cool. You guys are so much more fun.”
“Okay, now that we are official, are you gonna tell me what color your dress is so I can make sure I have a tie to match?” Glitch looked over to Luci who just giggled with Clara.
“Nope,” Clara said, smug. “You’ll find out when you get to Nate’s house. We already got ties for you.” She winked at Luci who couldn’t control her laughter.
I leaned over to kiss Clara’s cheek. “I love you, but you’re the worst.”
“Trust me,” Luci said between sips of coffee. “It’s worth the wait on her dress.”
“And you’re going to make every other girl jealous when they see how stunning you look in yours,” Clara shrugged. “Hell, even I’m a little jealous of how good you look in that color.”
Glitch looked at me and shook his head. “Our girlfriends are going to be a handful together, aren’t they?”
“Excuse you,” Luci said, pointing to herself. “Girlfriend and fiancée.” She pointed to Clara as she finished her sentence.
He just shook his head. “Yeah, he doesn’t get to call her that until he gets her a real ring.”
I guess that was fair. I did need something to prove to everyone I had landed the best girl around.
Clara leaned her head on my shoulder. Nate, I don’t need a ring. Those things are so expensive, and you know you’ll always have me.
Luci and Glitch had gone back to making faces at each other, so I figured we could get away with our own conversation.
You deserve something as beautiful as you are. I found her hand and slid my fingers through hers.
How about we tell our parents first and see what they have to say? Maybe there’s some family heirloom they can pass on to us so we don’t have to buy something.
We can see what they say, or how would you feel about going together to find one? You’ll get your say.
Fine. I don’t really care what it looks like, you know. I only care that you’re by my side.
“You two gonna join us again?” Glitch asked, eyeing us suspiciously and pulling us out of our trance. I wasn’t great at keeping focus on more than one conversation so I wasn’t sure how long we hadn’t been paying attention.
Clara was great at it though. She stuck her tongue out at him, jabbing right back. “You two were busy making eyes at each other.”
Luci leaned into Glitch, tilting her head at us. “How long did it take for you two to get on that level? I feel like you never have to talk and you are always on the same page.”
I shrugged. “Sometimes I think it’s because we share a soul.”
“I thought Clara sold her soul?” Luci joked.
Clara winked at me before replying. “I sold my soul twice. That’s why I need Nate’s to bargain with.”
13
Nate
Luci unsurprisingly came down the stairs first in a gorgeous teal dress. Her brown hair was pinned up in braids, probably done by my mom. She was the expert braider around here.
Glitch met her at the bottom of the stairs, holding out his arm for her. “Wow. I can think of a million words to tell you how absolutely stunning you look.”
She slid her arm through his and smiled. “Even the ‘wow’ was good enough,” Luci replied. She started to put the tie around Glitch’s neck before using it to pull him into her kiss.
“Gross, get a room,” I laughed, finally getting the opportunity to use that line on Glitch. “Is C going to be ready for prom this year or do I have to wait longer?”
“She’s fighting her mom about the shoes we are making her wear. She tried to come down here in her Converse,” Luci shrugged, smiling.
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, that’s my girl.”
“Nathaniel Beckett,” Ellie shouted from the top of the stairs, stomping across the floor with her arm folded. She had Clara’s Converse in her right hand. “You get up here and talk some sense into my daughter. She better not come down here unless she has those heels on.”
>
I laughed. “I got it, Ellie.”
By the time I had made it upstairs to my room, Clara had closed the door. I could see her shadow under the crack so I knocked.
Clara shouted from the other side of the door. “Unless you’ve come back with my Converse, I’m not coming out.”
“C, just put the damn shoes on. It’s one night.”
She groaned and I heard her walk away from the door so I went inside.
Clara had a sour face on as she sat on the edge of my bed, trying to stick her feet into the black heels on the floor. She stood up and wobbled for a second before regaining her composure.
