by Laura Winter
I knew I had lost my mind. I knew I was crazy when I had the Cold Soul in me. But this? I couldn’t remember any of this because I was so lost. I had completely given up. Madeline was right; this was going to hurt me.
A small hand wrapped around mine and I looked down. Madeline was standing next to me, but we were outside.
She smiled up at me. “I told you I’d hold your hand. I’ll always help you.”
I followed her gaze to look at where we had gone. We were standing in the middle of The Original Complex. Glitch, Luci, and Nate were running around, each fighting with the monkeys who had powers. But where was I?
Madeline squeezed my hand and pointed toward myself and Jackson. That’s when I heard my scream build. I was writhing on the ground, clutching at my head as Jackson’s lip curled. Blood ran from my nose and mouth as I screamed louder. I was losing.
“You have to fight back, Finnley,” Madeline said, nudging me. “You have to be strong if you want to hold him off long enough.”
The vision was fading, but I needed to see more. I needed to know how to win and how to help my friends.
“Finnley!”
I opened my eyes to see Madeline rubbing hers like she had just woken up from a nap. Wait, she had been crying. I blinked and realized I had the same tears running down my face.
“What’s wrong?” Nate asked, scooping Madeline into his lap as he wrapped his free arm around me. I hadn’t even noticed him sit down next to us.
“It’s okay,” Madeline said. “We saw a mix of the past, but we figured out where Jackson is.”
My mind was reeling. I had seen my worst nightmare with Aidan. I had seen how crazy I had become without the voices and my will to fight. Then I watched a fight with Jackson that I was pretty sure I would lose.
“Finnley?” Nate asked, pulling me back into the present. “Where is he?”
“The Original Complex,” I replied, my voice hollow and scratchy.
Finnley, what did you see? Nate kept his eyes locked on me.
Later. I leaned into him so he couldn’t see my face. Somehow, I wasn’t even worried about the fight with Jackson. I was more upset that after all this time of trying to recover from my issues with Aidan, they were still haunting me.
Madeline reached over and slid her fingers through mine. I told you I’d hold your hand.
“So, we go and kick his ass,” Glitch said, reminding me that the room was still full of people.
Caden shook his head. “In case anyone forgot, we are still in college and have classes on Monday.”
We all just sat in silence.
58
Nate
“I thought you were supposed to be a genius?” Caden asked, leaning back against the wall as he eyed Finnley. I get that he was a witness to big monkey trying to kidnap me, but I don’t know why he was still hanging around. And I’m not sure I agreed with him.
“I am a genius,” Finnley replied, her knees to her chest as she sat on the floor. “But I’m also insane, which is why we use that to our advantage.”
“What part of you giving yourself up to Jackson is supposed to make us believe you’re a genius?” Glitch asked, clearly agreeing with Caden.
“Because,” Finnley said, tucking her hair behind her ears as she pulled her legs in tighter, “Jackson still thinks I don’t have my memory. He doesn’t know about our plan so I can take him by surprise. I make him think I want his help learning about my powers.”
“What if he’s just saying that to get you close enough to kill you,” Luci asked, her usual bright demeanor clouded by uncertainty in the plan.
“If he wanted to kill me, why didn’t he just do it when I was drugged out of my mind? What’s the point of simply erasing Nate from my head when he could have taken so much more. He wants me to be powerful, he wants me to be stronger, and he wants me to work with him. It threw off his plan when I went into shock after losing the voices. I didn’t know how they disappeared and I thought my dad and…” Finnley hesitated. “I thought I was still in danger, and I had no other way to protect myself without my powers.”
“Okay, but after all this time that you’ve been away from him, what makes you think he’s just gonna let you walk right back in?” Glitch asked, shifting in his seat.
“I play a weak, helpless, memory-deprived girl who just wants answers. I tried to get them on my own, but got nowhere. Maybe he’ll let his guard down,” Finnley said, shrugging.
“Yeah, that’s a pretty big maybe. If it doesn’t work, if he sees right through it, how are you going to handle that?” Glitch asked before turning to me. “Are you ever going to speak up? Finnley’s life is on the line here. Tell your fiancée that this is a terrible idea.”
I was quiet for a second as everyone stared at me. “I actually agree with her plan.”
“You do?” Everyone spoke at the same time, including Finnley.
I shrugged. “She goes in, tells him that she still feels nothing for me and wants to distance herself from whatever is holding her back. She claims she wants to know what she’s capable of. It’s all she wanted before the Cold Soul. She wanted to be protected from her dad and Aidan. Jackson is offering that version of Finnley a chance to be powerful.”
Glitch curled his fists in frustration. “Yeah? And what are you going to tell Madeline if she doesn’t come back from this? That girl has been through enough, and Finnley is the only thing keeping her stable.”
“Not true,” Finnley said, dropping her legs away from her chest. “Look at this family she has now. Mads let me in for a reason. We know what happens. I fight Jackson and you guys keep the monkeys away until I can end it. Hopefully I can come out with a few answers before then.” Her eyes locked on mine and I could tell some part of that story was a lie. It wasn’t about us, though. She wouldn’t have put her friends in danger if she didn’t think we’d come out of it. Finnley, on the other hand, would do whatever it took to keep us safe, including fighting Jackson until the end. Her end.
“Look, I know I’m not really part of this, but I want to help somehow,” Caden said, breaking the silence.
Luci raised her eyebrow. “You don’t have any powers.”
“And I don’t want them,” he replied. “I’m just saying I could be useful somewhere. Maybe I could get help understanding my grandpa’s research?”
“If you used his research to try to find an answer for Jackson, you could distract our parents,” Finnley said, looking up at him. “There might be something in there that could help with The Complex, and if things go our way, the Imperium is going to be a new challenge.”
I nodded. “It’s a new perspective on all of that. And they are going to need help with the Imperium and figuring out how to handle the people and resources there. Who knows what has been happening with Jackson under control there?”
“So, what are you going to tell your parents?” Luci asked, leaning into Glitch. Going into battle wasn’t high on her list either, but she was doing her best to support. “They aren’t going to let us walk out the door to go fight your uncle.”
Finnley rubbed the back of her neck. “Madeline is going to distract them. She knows of our plan and will help keep them occupied. We’ll need Caden’s help there too.”
“I assume you figured out when all of this was going to happen?” I was pretty sure I knew the answer.
“Tomorrow. So at least we won’t miss any classes on a Sunday,” Finnley replied, faking a smile.
* * *
Glitch, Luci, Finnley, and I left for House after dinner, convincing our parents we were just going back to the dorm to sleep. Caden was going to help with the distraction in case our parents tried to come see us at any point. Madeline said it wouldn’t happen, but it was best to continue letting Caden think he was being helpful.
House was significantly cleaner than the last time we had been here. Madeline was forced to be on her best behavior and Finnley wasn’t around to keep making messes. Madeline had ended up redecorating Finnley’s roo
m, which had previously been decorated with Finnley’s clothes on the ground. Finnley and I were staring at the ceiling as she made the stars sparkle with her fingers.
“Are you nervous?” she asked, still moving her hand through the air.
“Always. Aren’t you?” I asked back, rolling over to look at her.
She sighed and put her hand down, turning to face me. “I guess.”
I traced my thumb over her cheek. “You were crying when you and Madeline came out of that trance. Does something happen tomorrow? Should I be more worried than I already am?”
“I don’t know what happens tomorrow. I didn’t get to see the whole thing, but I wasn’t crying about that,” Finnley said, biting the inside of her cheek. “I wasn’t completely prepared for the memories that would come up about Aidan. I wanted to ignore them, I wanted to pretend they didn’t happen, but they sucked me back in.”
I frowned. “He’s gone. He can’t hurt you anymore, we made sure of that.”
“But he still does. Nate, he messed with my head. I woke up with him in bed, and I continued waking up with him and I couldn’t remember choosing to stay. And when I started to feel sick, I thought I was pregnant.” I felt her breath catch with mine. “I wasn’t, but for a while, I lost my will to fight. I mean, I didn’t even know how to fight back against someone who could control me like that.
“And then it happened again when Jackson threw me in the mental place. I was so drugged up, I had lost you without realizing it, and I gave up. I don’t know how she did it, but Madeline kept me alive long enough for you to get in there with me. She pushed us together again so I wouldn’t give up.”
Panic grew in my chest. “You haven’t given up, have you?”
“No, of course not,” she reassured me. “But it was a reminder of why I fought back in the first place. I fought for you before I even knew you, and I fight for you now. I fight for Mads, our friends and family, and our future. I’m not lost anymore. This last year, I’ve spent all my time trying to figure out who I was. I was haunted by a past I didn’t have yet couldn’t get away from. Now that I have my head, all of it, I don’t have to run from the past. I can hold your hand and be with you for the future.” Finnley slid her fingers through mine.
“Finnley, you have always been my future. I knew it from the moment I saw you in class that first day. You’ve come out the other side every single time, and now I get to watch you kick your uncle’s ass tomorrow. Then you better believe I’m going to marry the shit out of you,” I said, smiling as I pulled her into my kiss.
“We are going to have to find a ring one of these days. I want to do more damage when I punch anyone who pisses me off,” she laughed, rolling on top of me. “You know what I’ve been thinking about?”
“Tomorrow?” I asked, struggling to concentrate as her lips moved down my neck.
“Well, yes, but also that Monday after our first kiss.”
“You mean when you were a bad influence and convinced me to sneak out of class so you could kiss me again?”
“I was thinking more of when you finally got the courage to kiss me too.”
“You had a power over me,” I said, flipping spots with her to press into her body, feeling her heart pick up in her chest.
She smiled. “You have no idea how many times I’ve felt the same way.”
I paused just after my arms slid under her back. “I find that hard to believe. You’ve always been the go-getter, and I was always the nervous wreck. I’m glad you stuck around long enough to give me a chance.”
Finnley scrunched her nose as she grinned. “Doesn’t mean I didn’t feel the same way sometimes. Watch.”
We were back in the hallway at school. Finnley was showing me her perspective of that first Monday. I could feel her emotions this time as she pressed me against the wall between the lockers. I was losing focus… but so was she. The only reason she pulled away was because she had forgotten to breathe. Then, I felt how nervous and excited she was when I had pulled her back into me. Her heart was fluttering just as quickly as mine.
I could feel her getting lost in our kiss as I pressed her against the wall at The Complex. She was supposed to be looking to make sure we could sneak off, but she couldn’t focus on anything but my touch. All she could do was grip me tighter.
Then I saw how happy she was just before Jackson had come in to kidnap us. She showed me how my simple touch, tucking her hair behind her ear when we were both locked away, had suddenly sparked hope in her. And finally she showed me how much it meant that I didn’t care what name she went by because I was in love with all of her. She felt safe and strong.
“I wish I could show you some of mine,” I said, kissing her again. “My favorites are when you beat people up just to turn me on.”
Finnley laughed. “Oh, trust me. I know exactly what you feel.” Her arms wrapped around me as her speakers clicked on.
Always You. Apollo LTD.
59
Finnley
I sat in the car just outside the old cabin Nate and I had stayed at before we had first found The Original Complex. The plan was that I’d have a thirty minute lead over the rest of them. I needed to buy them some time by weakening the monkeys, but if things went south, they’d still have time to rescue me.
It shouldn’t have been that hard to walk out of House, but I didn’t want to let go of my friends. We didn’t know if it was goodbye or not. I had seen enough to know they were safe, but I didn’t know about myself. I just had to hope I could hold off Jackson or weaken him enough so they could beat him if I couldn’t.
But maybe I could change the future and get to Jackson before anything bad happened. Jeanie had gotten it wrong once with Nate and I, so maybe we could change what Madeline saw. Maybe I could come out on the other side.
The hike to the wasteland that used to be The Complex went a lot faster than it did the first time, probably because I knew what I was walking into. At the same time, I still had no idea what would really happen. I climbed toward the middle of the destruction, building up the defenses in my mind. No one was around, and I couldn’t hear any thoughts, but I didn’t expect to. Jackson could hide his thoughts, and those of his monkeys, so I wouldn’t hear them coming. Instead, I could wait and focus on my strength. I sat down and closed my eyes, working on controlling my breath.
“You’ve come to your senses,” Jackson said.
I opened my eyes to see him standing in front of me, his monkeys positioned on the outskirts of the blast. I stood up, trying to stretch and make myself look bigger. “I wouldn’t say that exactly. I just ran out of options.”
“Hard not remembering, isn’t it?” he asked, his smile curling.
“I wouldn’t know,” I replied, fighting the urge to growl. “Supposedly it happened to me before, but I can’t seem to remember not remembering. Funny how that works.”
“You had the strength to bring Finnley back before, but your boyfriend made you weak,” Jackson said, watching me carefully.
“Nate wants me to be something I’m not… someone I’m not. I’m sick of everyone treating me like I’m weak. I want to control my power,” I said before nodding toward big monkey. He stood a safe distance away from me. “The big guy says you can help me; that you can teach me how to protect myself.”
“You haven’t realized what you can do,” Jackson said, folding his arms.
“Then show me. Show me how I can fight back. Aidan and my dad controlled me for so long and I did nothing. Now Nate wants me to do the same. He wants me to be Clara, but whoever she was around him, the falling for him, the constant need to be attached… she couldn’t be strong. He wouldn’t let her fight her battles, or become what she needed to be to fight her demons. He didn’t let her become me,” I said, lowering my voice to try to sound bitter.
“And just like that, you came looking for me to help?” Jackson asked, straightening up.
I felt my heart catch slightly. “I tried to do it on my own, but I don’t know how.”
I watched his fists curl and I knew I had lost. Just a slight step back was all he needed to see I was lying. His face turned to pure anger.
“That’s what I thought,” Jackson growled.
I felt a piercing pain rip through my neck and skull. It was just like he had done to steal my memory, but worse. My defenses were nothing compared to his strength. I screamed and dropped to my knees, clutching at my head.
“You thought you could trick me?” he asked in a cold growl. “You still rely on your friends, and that makes you weak. That’s why the Cold Soul chose you.”
There were dark spots left in my vision as Jackson released his hold. I had to focus, I had to fight back. I was supposed to be as powerful as Jackson, so why couldn’t I fight him?
