by Nicky Jayne
Slumping back in to the seat, someone clears their throat from across the room. I’d forgot that I wasn’t alone. I’d forgot that across the room from me is the one person I don’t want anything to do with right now. She doesn't need to be here and she certainly doesn't need to be within inches of my sister.
“Tanner,” she says.
I don’t open my eyes. I don’t make a move to see her or to give her any reason to continue talking, but she does anyway.
“I’m sorry, Tanner,” she whispers.
Don’t look at her. Don’t look at her. Don’t. Look. At. Her! Over and over, it runs through my head. Deep down I wonder what she’s sorry about. Her attitude towards my sister, or my dad. Then, as if I’m struck by a bolt of lightning, her beautiful face comes to my mind. She can’t be sorry about Riley, surely she can’t. What does she know? Can she know anything? I only left her a few hours ago…it’s not possible.
I jump to my feet, a man on a mission. Walking towards her ever so slowly, but yet my steps feel hasty, determined even. I feel like I’m moving at lightning speed. The door opening nearly smacks me in the face, suddenly stopping me and my mission. My body reacts, falling backwards ever so slightly, to keep my face as far away from the door as possible. Only righting itself when the door moves away.
Crass stands before me, with a questionable smirk on his face. Unfortunately, I’ve seen this smirk before. He’s planning something and I have every idea of what it may be. My upcoming deployment is looming only a week or so away, he must be trying to remove me from it and move my alternate up. Ha! It makes me laugh. I know damn well that Blanket won’t take that shit, especially coming from Crass. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but there’s a reason why I’m where I am right now. I’m one of the best. I put everything I have into a mission, regardless of the turmoil or sacrifice I have to make. When I’m out in the field, my eyes are on the prize and nothing else.
“Tanner,” he snaps.
“Yes, sir?”
“I’m working on having your alternate start the term. You’ll follow on as soon as your dad’s back home and well.”
This isn’t a question, this isn’t solid and this isn’t set in stone, but I can see from the look on his face, he believes that it is. One thing that Crass has to understand is that his weight doesn't make way everywhere. There’re just some things that he can’t fix with an order, with a piece of paper.
I don’t say a word, I just stand there looking at him. He turns, looking at Annie, who still sits straight back in her chair. Her hands are gripped to the arms like she just had the fright of her life. Did I scare her that much? From the color of her skin, I’d have to say so. I told you that I’m broken.
“Annie, I’m headed to the office. Stay here and wait with Elli, okay?”
Again, it’s not a plea, nor a suggestion. This’s an order and a she must obey. She gives him a small nod and smiles. I stare at her, and her body relaxes.
He turns on one foot and leaves the room, the door clicking shut behind him. Suddenly, the tension in the room returns. I can’t be in here with her right now. I have to leave, get some air. People like her bring out the worst in me.
Reaching for the door handle, her hand lands on my back. I suck in a deep breath, pulling my body away from hers, like her touch is coated in acid and it burns.
“Tan?”
“Don’t, Annie. Just don’t!” I snap.
A vacuum of air, flows past me, like she sucks in the remaining air in the room.
“She told me, you know,” she calls, when I pull the door towards me.
I hear her, but I don’t stop. I don’t want to. The thought of where this may lead terrifies me more than hearing any words that she could possibly say to me. I know what I did. I left her behind. I forgot about her, but what could I do? My dad was sick and my sister needed me. She was nothing to me then. She was only a girl, just someone that I ran into. Someone that I’d like to get to know but only for a short time of course. Maybe a stress reliever of sorts, I don’t know.
Why does this ache hurt so much then? I don’t know if it’s the fear that I may lose my dad, or is it her? It has to be her. If I’m lying to myself, then what am I trying to shield myself from? What can I do to make things easier for both of us? I’m not the kind of man she needs to be with. She deserves much more, anything better than me.
The sky’s dark, the moon shining like a warning beacon in the distance. The cool snap to the air makes my body stand at attention, while I walk around the building for what seems like hours. The day zooms through my head like in fast play on a DVD. Eloise, Annie, Riley, Dad. Annie, Eloise, Riley, Dad. Over and over, it plays. Over and over, small things make me think of all these people. Over and over, her damn eyes pop in my head.
The ping of my cell phone snaps me out of my mental rant. Fumbling for it, it’s a number I don’t recognize. I stand in the cold night staring at my phone while it continues to ring. My fingers move over the slide button, but it never makes contact. I’m unsure who’s on the other end of the line and right now, I don’t think I want to find out, but then just as the final ring comes through, I wonder whether it could be her…but how could she have my number?
Could Elli, have given it to her? Could Marcie have? Dammit. I am not sure whether she would even call me after today anyway.
Realizing that I’ve been outside for nearly an hour now, I head back to the elevators, hoping that Eloise is out from visiting dad. It’s getting late, so I’m sure visiting hours are over. They’ve probably kicked her out by now and she’s stuck in the waiting room, with that venomous girl. GAH! Do I have to go back in there?
Pushing through the doors, into the warm yet over crowded hospital, something in the distance catches my eye. I suddenly feel like a dog hunting for a bone. I set my sniffer to full alert and I’m off, in search of whatever caught my attention. Further and further down the hallway I go, each room lay empty no one, no noise. Just an empty space and yet with each step I take, my heart starts to race. Reaching a small stairwell, I look up to see nothing but the sound of feet dancing on the tile, sparks my senses once more. I follow, bounding up each step two at a time. I’m a fit man, I have to take care of myself, but this endless step system is wearing down on me. Peering over the banister, the flicker of color that set me on this wild chase, flies in front my eyes. With that, that small piece of color, my endurance and my energy has returned and I leap once more.
For some reason, I’m not sure why her name escapes my lips. The ever present click of heels stops and all that can be heard is my heavy breathing. Counting to three. I look, bracing myself for whatever may be beyond the round steel bar. I look up once more. Right there, looking down at me and looking as stunned as I am, is Riley. Her hands clasp over her mouth while I stare at her.
Suddenly the questions come to mind flying through me, like jets across the sky. Not once do I stop looking at her, her eyes never leaving mine either. Even with the small steps I take towards her, she’s always in my view. She’s about three floors above me. My hands become sweaty, my heart racing as I get closer to her. I’ve forgotten why I’m here. I’m captivated by her.
Her beautiful blue eyes burn holes in my head the closer I get. Her hand’s moved from her mouth and she’s biting on her bottom lip. Damn, that’s cute and I can’t stop myself from wetting my own lips, remembering the taste of hers. I watch her eyes move from mine to her side and she blushes when she looks back down at me. Then, without warning, the sudden rush of heat that encases my body is snatched away from me and the violent shriek of that woman fills the hallway.
“Tanner,” she squeals.
Pausing to rest, laying my head in my arms, feeling the harsh cold of the bar against me, I suck it in trying to calm down my furious heart.
“Where’ve you been, Tanner? Eloise is going crazy,” her nagging voice says.
A whole new rush of heat covers my body, only this one’s not one that I like so much. I’m angry. Who the hel
l gave this girl the right to yell and bitch at me? She’s been nothing but trouble since day fucking one.
“Riley, thank you for coming. Eloise needs all the support she can get right now. Sorry you had to deal with him,” Annie punctuates her words more than necessary, especially when the words refer to me. I hate this girl.
Looking at the two figures just above me as they turn to walk through the door, I call her name. She stops, frozen. Her shoulder dip slightly before she continues to walk away from me.
“FUCK!” I yell, kicking the bar. The pain shoots through my leg, like a set of pins scattered across my skin. Falling down with defeat, I push my body up against the cold wall and close my eyes, trying to control my breathing. Pushing the air in and out. Keeping myself focused on something other than Riley, other than knocking that little bitch Annie down a peg or two.
Then the air becomes clearer, the haze begins to clear from my head. I stand, running my hands through my hair, I rush forward. I have to get back to my sister. I wonder whether she’ll still be there. The thought pushes me a little faster.
CHAPTER TEN
Riley
How much longer am I going to sit rolling through self-pity? I decided to take that step, I decided to make the rule. I knew somewhere along the line I’d be tempted to break it. I just never thought that it’d be this hard to put back up the wall. When I heard his voice in that stairwell, I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe he was there. Especially, when I tried to stay out of sight, hoping that I could sneak in and out before he saw me. How did he know I was there?
Just the look on his face melted me from the inside out. Each step he took seemed in slow motion. I was in shock when he got closer.
However, just like everything in my life it didn’t last very long. Annie, jumping in when she did, snapped me back to reality. I can’t break the rule, regardless of how he looks, how he sounds, how his body melts, how his eyes look. Lord, snap out of it Riley! This’s been the norm for the past few hours, every single thought flows somehow back to him. I feel so out of control. Looking down at my books, the words blur. Each picture I see reminds me of him. Each truck that passes by the window, makes me jump thinking that it may be him.
I feel stupid. Why would he come back for me? We didn't have anything to come back to…but the connection was there.
Regardless of that, I have walked away from him every time we’ve been close to each other. Why would he want anything to do with me? I know he walked once too, but damn, at least he had a good reason.
I keep trying, with everything I have to make him guilty of something, but I don’t have anything. I know his life, I know what’s happened. Even that small piece of paper on his seat shouldn’t have affected me as much as it has, but damn it. Why can’t I get him off my mind?
I need some fresh air. I’d love nothing more than to get out and enjoy the cool breezes, but I have an assignment to finish.
Reaching over, I crank up whatever music decides to blare from my speakers. I have to study. I have to get this done.
Checking my calendar, crossing off the days, a date comes to mind and for some unknown reason, I can’t seem to get it off my mind. I’ve gone so far as to writing it down over and over, trying to spark my memory, but nothing. Sighing deep, I stare at the date and circle it with my big red marker. For some reason, November second keeps playing in my mind.
Grabbing my jacket, it’s time to get out of this jail cell, to get some decent food and some fresh air. I’ve barely left my dorm in the last week. Finishing up finals, I’m getting ready to take some serious time off. The holidays are right around the corner and mom and I are headed to Georgia to spend time with my grandparents. I can see it now, so much so that I can feel the warmth of the fire, the crispness of the snow beneath my feet as I walk the field just behind their home. We haven't been there in a couple of years. It’s been hard for my mom to leave, but she finally gave in, much to my Gran's delight and agreed. I can still hear the excitement in her voice when she called and told me that she’d won the battle with my mom.
I love my mother dearly, but she needs to move on. She’s done her best on her own. However, there has to come a time when you break the chains of grief and walk towards something brighter.
My own thoughts burn through me when I think of my own battle. A battle to allow someone who clearly has an effect on me into my self-sheltered life. I realize now that I’ve kept myself locked away in my cave. I haven’t ventured too far from the campus, from my room, in fear of seeing him. He’s a regular and I’ve heard he’s been around a few times. I know that he picks up Eloise and takes her to see her dad, but not once has he ventured my way.
Eloise doesn't talk about him much. I ask her how her dad’s doing, but nothing more. She doesn't push the subject either. She knows, she saw it. The dead-end stare in the waiting room, the tension, the heat that came from both of us that day. We didn't speak, we just stood and stared, an uncomfortable pair. I didn't stay long, only partly because the temperature in that room was stifling. I couldn’t stand to be there anymore. He never followed when I walked slowly down the hallway, silently praying that he would call my name again…but it never came. It affected me more than I can say. He affects me more than I’d like to admit. I’ve done all that I can up until this point to keep him out of my mind and I was successful until right now. Mostly.
The door chimes above me when I take a step inside, the smell of fresh batter and sugar laden goods fills my nose. I suck in the smells, closing my eyes slowly, taking in each and every scent.
Opening my eyes, I don’t look for him, because I know right where he is. He sat in his usual booth, not in his usual jeans and T-shirt that I’m used to seeing him in. Damn, have I really been paying that much attention? Every time I heard that truck, I’d jump from my bed, my desk, wherever I was in the room and watch him walk across the courtyard. Always in jeans and a v neck shirt. His short sleeves always clinging to his arms like they depended on his touch. His darkened blond hair always looking messy and rugged. I always thought of running my hands though it and feeling the smoothness between my fingers.
Not today, though. Today his muscular form is covered in camouflage. His head shaved to his scalp. A hat lay on the edge of the table and his sleeves are rolled up around his biceps. An untouched cup of coffee sits steaming to his side. He hasn't looked up to even notice me yet. At least until Marcie comes screaming out of the kitchen. I duck out of his line of sight before he sees me.
Marcie's face is one of confusion, until she follows my eyes. Laying a finger on her lip, she shuffles me through the kitchen door.
“What’s wrong, Riley?” she asks quietly.
Sighing, pushing the breath I’ve sucked in, my hands find my face and a flash of nervousness and embarrassment flood my skin. I can’t help it, but I start to laugh. What the hell am I doing?
Shaking myself off, I walk slowly to the small porthole in the kitchen door. His head is down, his long fingers flicking through some paper on the table and he taps a pen to his lips.
I feel her before I see her. Marcie lays her hand on my shoulder, her head leans against mine when she looks to see what I am gawking at.
“Oh,” she says, in a knowing tone.
My eyes are fixed on the small movements of his hands. Every so often, he’ll look up. He looks strange, his facial expression seems torn somehow. With every movement he makes, I look him up and down. Damn he looks good in uniform. He stands suddenly, making me jump back a little. Fearing he may see me, I don’t look back, instead I look at Marcie. There’s something in her eyes that makes me blush. A small glint crosses her eyes as though she may cry. Smiling at her, I peek once more. He’s not there, he left the table, but in his place is a green bag. I’ve seen that bag before and my heart sinks immediately. I move back from the door, my hand tightly clasped to my mouth and for some unknown reason, tears prick to my eyes, stinging them.
“Riley?” Marcie asks quietly.
&n
bsp; I can’t speak. I fear the minute my hand moves from my mouth I’ll cry, or scream, for something that I never truly had.
I’d be lying if I said I’ve never thought about what it’d be like to be with him. I have, many a time. Shoving those thoughts back, I push forward, trying to think of anything to clear my head of him, anything to distract myself from wishing and wanting him.
I squeeze my eyes shut, forcing the tears back to where they came from. Tanner’s face comes to me, the same face I watched walk away from me. Just like my father, who swore he’d come back to me, that he’d love me forever. A small sob escapes my throat as I clamp my hand harder down onto my mouth. I feel like I’m suffocating. My chest is tight and I’m struggling to breath. Stepping back slowly, I bump into some sort of table and open my eyes just as Marcie comes to me to help me down to the floor. My arms wrap my legs and my head falls between my knees.
The flood gates open, the tears begin to flow. My body shakes and tightens with each loud sob that comes from me.
I haven’t cried this much in years and it was only a matter of time before I cracked. I remember when I cried so hard that I couldn't stop myself. My heart’s breaking once more, after all these years. I’ve worked so hard to mend it, to heal it. I’ve tried to shield myself from this, from him and everything he stands for. The cries rack my body while I mourn for him, just like my dad. The colors bleed through my tears and the sounds of guns ricochet through my thoughts, bringing me head on with my memories.
How could a day start off one way and end so differently? This’s not where I planned on being today, not what I planned on doing. I didn't expect to be sitting on some flour-covered floor, sobbing my heart out for someone who has long since gone and for someone who I hold no claim to.
Muffled voices in front of me catch me by surprise. They seem so clear, but yet I can’t understand a word and it’s not the words that have caught my attention, it’s the voice. Tanner. I snap my head up looking around the room, but no one’s there. Marcie’s gone, she isn't by my side like I remember. The voices get closer, they get clearer. The deep tone in his voice makes my heart race, my pulse igniting beneath my skin.
