He stopped for a moment to brace himself against the railing. To psych himself up. Breaking off this thing with Marcus was the only option. His brothers were worried—and Jamie had worried them enough for one lifetime. Caused them enough trouble and pain. He respected and trusted Rory and Andrew. If they were fearful enough to stage an intervention before their alarms went off, then Jamie needed to heed their warnings. It was totally possible he’d stopped seeing this situation with Marcus objectively.
I have to end this. It’s already starting to hurt.
Seeing Marcus and pretending to just be friends, restricting their touches to behind closed doors…it was everything Jamie vowed he’d never do. Today marked the end.
With weight pressing down on his lungs, Jamie pushed off the railing and continued toward the Hut, already rehearsing his speech in his head. Marcus, I care about you. I loved what we did together. But we have to stop this before it goes too far.
Right. As if they hadn’t leapfrogged over too far weeks ago.
When Jamie was almost at the Hut, some people came into focus and he slowed to a stop. A female dog walker was holding six leashes and each one had an enthusiastic dog on the end. All different breeds, barking and turning in excited circles. Labs, schnauzers, a cocker spaniel and a humongous Saint Bernard.
In the middle of them all stood Marcus, rubbing their fur and crooning to them in baby talk while the dog walker laughed. As Jamie watched, the Saint Bernard jumped and settled his paws on Marcus’s shoulders, licking his face…and time seemed to play in slow motion. Marcus turned his face up to the sun and let out a booming laugh that echoed down the boardwalk, stopping people in their tracks and kicking Jamie’s heart into a million beats per second.
Marcus allowed the Saint Bernard to push him to the ground and then the entire posse of pups piled on, nuzzling Marcus with their wet noses and barking happily. In the center of them all, Marcus lay prone, chuckling at all the attention and Jamie could tell he was trying to give each dog equal attention and—
“Oh my God,” Jamie breathed, his pulse speeding fast enough to make him dizzy. “I’m in love with him.”
As if he’d shouted the words, Marcus sat up suddenly and looked around, brightening when he saw Jamie, waving briefly, before being wrestled back down by one of the Labs.
Now that he’d admitted his affliction out loud, love took root inside Jamie like one of those fast-motion botany documentaries on the Nature Channel. Roots wrapped around his insides and got cozy, filling every nook and cranny until he swore he was going to burst.
Somehow Jamie forced his feet to move in the direction of the Hut. He couldn’t very well stand there all fucking day looking like he’d been struck by lightning, even though he had. His earth was definitely good and scorched.
The group of barking dogs, still drunk on Marcus’s attention, were moving on just as Jamie reached the Hut. Marcus came to his feet slowly and searched Jamie’s face, like he knew. Like he knew exactly what was coming and was bracing himself. “Good morning,” Marcus said, taking a half step forward, then retreating. “I brought you a juice. It’s in the locker room.”
Jamie stomach flipped. “Thanks.”
Marcus nodded once and tried not to be obvious about checking their surroundings for eavesdroppers, but to Jamie, it was the most evident thing in the world. “I didn’t shower because I wanted to smell like you today,” Marcus said in a thick voice. “Maybe not the best idea, but I couldn’t help it.”
How much tighter could everything get? Jamie’s muscles, his chest, his throat, it was like they were attached to a universal screw and it twisted, twisted the longer they stood there. “You’re right, that’s probably not a good idea,” Jamie said quietly. “None of this is a good idea.”
Marcus visibly held his breath.
“But I was thinking…” Jamie swallowed hard, no idea what words were coming out of his mouth, only that his racing heart refused to let him do anything but deliver them. “I was thinking if you wanted t-to try this, being my…boyfriend—officially—we wouldn’t have to tell anyone.” He could almost hear a pen scratching across paper, a proclamation sealing his fate. “Until you’re ready to tell your family. If…you’re ever ready.”
“Jamie.” Marcus let out his name on a shocked exhale, his head shaking slowly. “No. No, I can’t let you do that. I can’t. It would mean hurting you over and over—”
“You’re right, it was a stupid idea. Forget I said anything.”
Berating himself for being a giant fucking moron, Jamie strode past a gaping Marcus, only to be dragged to a halt after three steps. “Wait. Just wait. Jesus.” Marcus let go of Jamie’s arm and plowed his hands though his hair. “I’m not mentally equipped for this kind of shit. One second, I think you’re about to kick me to the curb and I’m going to have to spend all day trying not to cry like a girl, the next you’re…” Cautiously hopeful eyes scanned Jamie’s face. “Did you really mean it?”
“Take it or leave it, Diesel,” Jamie sighed, visibly bored but internally shaken by the heaven/hell he was offering. “We’re going to be late.”
Marcus’s throat worked. “Why are you doing this for me?”
Jamie was afraid love might overflow from his eyes, so he quickly looked down.
“I should say no,” Marcus whispered, coming close enough to heat Jamie’s shoulder with his breath. “I should say no to something that’s bad for Jamie.”
Jamie closed his eyes. “Is that what you’re doing?”
Marcus’s laugh was pained. “You think I could turn down a chance to be your boyfriend?” Ever so slightly, their fingers brushed, index fingers hooking together. “I know how hard it is for you to give me this, Jamie. I won’t let you feel wrong about this. It’ll be different than the last time, okay? I promise. I just need some time.”
“I know,” Jamie said, nodding. “I’ll give it to you. I want to give it to you.”
“Thank you.” Marcus’s body deflated against Jamie. Just for a second, before straightening and stepping away, leaving Jamie missing his touch already. “I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you, too.”
And then Jamie counted to fifty before following Marcus into the Hut.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Life was amazing.
For the next week, Marcus basically went to bed smiling, woke up smiling, and he couldn’t rule out the possibility that he smiled in his sleep. Why the hell wouldn’t he? He had his own side of Jamie’s bed. Jamie slept on the outside, Marcus took the inside half by the wall and it was just understood that they would fall asleep that way every single night.
Naked.
Marcus hurried through a set of pull ups, but one eye was on the clock and since he was trying to figure out how many minutes were left until he met Jamie at the Main Squeeze, he lost track of how many times his chin had touched the bar. Fuck it. Who cared?
He let go of the bar and swiped some sweat out of his eyes with a forearm, weaving through the equipment so he could shower off in the locker room. He took some extra time with the soap between his legs, because miracle of miracles, he was regularly getting his dick sucked by the smartest, sexiest, secretly kindest man on the planet now. And Marcus couldn’t get enough of returning the favor. There was just something about the way Jamie seemed incapable of holding back when Marcus gave him head, riding his face like he couldn’t get deep enough down his throat—
Marcus looked down at his inflating erection and cursed.
Honestly, he needed a cage for this monster. Were dick cages a thing?
He’d Google it later.
He flew through his shower and toweled off in record time, only stopping once to flex in front of the mirror. When he pulled the T-shirt that had spent the night on Jamie’s bedroom floor over his head, he caught a whiff of Jamie and took a moment to bury his face in the soft cotton material. Christ, he loved Jamie. He could barely keep his feet on the ground, the love was such a buoyancy, carrying him from place t
o place.
And like every other time this week, when Marcus stopped to acknowledge how happy he was—how fucking in love he was—he was reminded that he was almost certainly going to blow this perfect shot with Jamie. So many times this week, he’d looked across the pillow and wanted to say, “I’m ready. I want to tell my family. I want to tell everyone.”
But insecurity and fear of the unknown would creep in, sinking their teeth in and he’d find himself swallowing the words on his heart. Trading them for maybe tomorrows and one more day. I just need one more day.
Jamie seemed just as happy as Marcus. Most of the time. When they met in his bedroom at the end of the night and there was nothing but their heartbeats in the silence, Jamie would smile. And the strain Marcus noticed around his eyes and mouth while in the Hut or behind the bar…it would cease to exist. Marcus would kiss him and lick the remaining tension out of Jamie’s body until his boyfriend got that blissed out expression. The daytime hours only carried a feather’s weight compared the two starved bodies rocking in the twisted sheets.
When Jamie offered to be his boyfriend in secret, Marcus had believed nothing could be better. And he couldn’t deny this had been the best fucking week of his life. But holding himself back from kissing Jamie goodbye on the beach was getting harder. Almost unbearably hard. Another guy had been in the bar this week checking out Marcus’s man and he’d almost ripped his skin off watching the guy ask for Jamie’s number. Jamie had said no, but still. What Marcus wouldn’t have given for the freedom to simply walk behind the bar and frame Jamie’s face in his hands. Just press their foreheads together in front of everyone and breathe, the way they did in the mornings before Marcus got dressed and left.
What would it be like to take Jamie on a date? To hold his hand and not care who was watching? To have Jamie smile all the time and not just when they were alone? With every passing day, having that reality became more and more…necessary. Maybe even attainable. Being around Jamie made Marcus feel invincible. Confident in the man he was learning to accept—and really kind of like. Himself.
Soon, he promised Jamie in his head. Soon.
Marcus blew out a breath and left the gym, his heart roaring when he saw Jamie across the street waiting for him, posted up beside the door to the Main Squeeze. This week, most of their time together had been spent with their clothes off, but when Marcus managed to climb off Jamie for a few minutes, they worked on plans for the juice shop.
Jamie had called some of the food distributors for the Castle Gate and arranged daily fruit deliveries. The power had been turned on, air conditioners repaired and tested. Furniture had been delivered yesterday. They’d spent two nights painting the walls a bright yellow and setting up the juicers and other equipment Marcus had ordered online for a steal. Jamie had created inventory sheets and programmed the registers with prices. They’d commissioned a piece of repurposed wood for the sign and painted The Main Squeeze in bright, yellow lettering. One week to go until opening day and they still had some work to do, mainly perfecting Marcus’s recipes, but it was really happening.
His throat hurt with emotion when he crossed the street and saw the weariness in Jamie’s eyes before he saw Marcus and hid it. A group of young people were walking past on the sidewalk, leaving Jamie and Marcus hovering a few feet apart, when all Marcus really wanted was to throw Jamie down and devour him.
“Hey,” Jamie said in a dry voice, tucking his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “How was your workout?”
Marcus made his pecs bounce—right, left, right, left and Jamie battled a smile. Better. “It was good,” he said, taking the keys out of his workout bag. “You know, you can go inside without me. That’s why I gave you the spare set of keys.”
“Right. I’ll do that next time,” Jamie said without meeting his eyes, following Marcus into the Main Squeeze and closing the door behind him. “What’s on the agenda today, boss?”
Finally out of view from the street, Marcus flattened Jamie up against the door with his body. “Taste testing,” he rasped against Jamie’s lips, relieved when Jamie’s lids grew heavy, his mouth opening on a soft groan. “I’m going to start with you.”
Jamie’s hands came up, fingers curling in the neck of Marcus’s shirt and dragging him down into a restless kiss. Marcus unsnapped Jamie’s jeans to loosen the waistband so he could slide his hands into the back of Jamie’s pants, kneading his ass cheeks with hungry hands. Where a week earlier he would have been hesitant to press his finger to Jamie’s puckered entrance, he did it now without thinking, knowing a firm index finger right there would make Jamie moan into his mouth—and Jesus it did.
Jamie’s moan. The most satisfying sound in the world.
With their mouths touching like this, the real world a million miles away, Marcus couldn’t wait any longer to tell Jamie what had been on his mind basically nonstop. “I was thinking…” he panted, rubbing a circle around Jamie’s hole with the pad of his finger, tapping it lightly once, twice. “I know you like when I’m inside you, but if you ever wanted to be inside me like that…I’m ready. I want it.”
A shudder went through Jamie, making Marcus press their bodies tighter together so he could absorb it. Feel everything together. “You’re ready to feel my fuck, baby?” Jamie asked hoarsely, rolling his hips and dragging their groins together. “Then I’ll give it to you.”
Marcus took both of Jamie’s cheeks in his hands and held him still while he ground their cocks together, side to side, up and down, their strangled growls filling the dim juice shop. “I want to be the last man to feel your fuck, Jamie.”
Jamie stiffened just a touch and if Marcus wasn’t so turned on, he might have rammed his fist into the wall. Every time he brought up the future to Jamie, the same thing happened. Jamie swerved to avoid the topic—and what the hell choice did Marcus have but to let him? He hadn’t offered Jamie a sustainable relationship, had he? No, he wouldn’t even kiss him in broad daylight. So Marcus had no choice but to swallow his frustration when Jamie gave him a quick, final kiss and freed himself from where Marcus had wedged him up against the wall.
A veil dropped in front of Jamie’s eyes, a casual smile lifting one end of his mouth. “Do you have the supplies for this taste test?” He shoved his hands into his pockets and paced farther into the shop. “I only have about an hour.”
“Did Andrew call you in early?” Marcus tugged his cell out of his pocket and checked the time. “Your shift at the bar isn’t until five.”
“I’m not working tonight. There’s a last-minute school faculty thing I have to attend. Kind of a business dinner, I guess?” Jamie shrugged. “Some of my fellow teachers want to discuss a change the school board just issued about the curriculum.”
Marcus’s stomach dropped. A whole night without Jamie? “Where is the dinner?”
“A Thai restaurant near the school.” Jamie circled around behind the counter and opened the built-in refrigerator, taking out a container of carrots Marcus had chopped earlier. “Actually, I’m kind of looking forward to it. I eat at this Thai place all the time during the school year. They have the best potstickers, but I can’t justify an hour on the train to Brooklyn just for potstickers. Tonight gives me an excuse.”
“You like Thai food that much?”
“Love it.”
It was on the tip of Marcus’s tongue to say they could get Thai takeout some time, but God, it already sounded so lame in his head. He should be taking Jamie out to restaurants. Jamie was going to eat his favorite potstickers tonight and Marcus wouldn’t even get to see his reaction. Would he smile around his first bite? No, not Jamie. He’d probably act indifferent. If Marcus was there, he’d nudge him under the table, though, until he did smile. “Um…” The night stretched out in front of Marcus like a black ocean with no sound. “What time is the dinner over? Can I see you afterwards?”
Weariness danced in Jamie’s eyes before he swallowed it up. “Yeah, I’ll probably be home before your shift at the Castle Gate ends.
You know where to find me.”
A hollow cavity opened in Marcus’s chest. Yeah, he knew where to find Jamie. The same place he’d been finding him all week. Every night when the sun went down or everyone had gone to bed, he showed up at Jamie’s front door like a beggar. It wasn’t enough. He could see it wasn’t enough for his boyfriend and now it wasn’t enough for Marcus, either. “Come to my place,” he said, digging his key ring out of his pocket and searching for the spares to his building and apartment. When he found them, he cursed the clumsiness of his huge sausage fingers while struggling through the process of removing the keys off their little, silver ring. “Here.” Satisfaction filled in the hole in his chest when he folded the apartment keys into Jamie’s hand. “Come over after your teacher dinner. Wait for me there.”
Jamie’s expression was mostly unreadable, except for a spark of surprise he couldn’t subdue and Marcus lived for that spark. Wanted to drown himself in it. “Marcus…are you sure? I don’t mind meeting at my place.”
“You should mind. And I can see that you do.”
His boyfriend was silent for a moment while he stowed the keys in his pocket. “I’m sorry. Why can’t I just be cool about this? It’s only been a goddamn week.”
“Because it has been so much longer than a week for us, Jamie.” Wow. He’d surprised Jamie again. Surprised himself, too, and he swore if he leapt right now, he could land on the roof of the tallest building. Was it a risk meeting Jamie at his place? Jesus Christ, yeah, it was. His brother and father had keys. Came and went as they pleased. But the risk was worth making Jamie happy. The risk was worth bringing the warmth back to Jamie’s eyes. “Will you come over and wait for me?”
After a beat, Jamie nodded. “Yes.” A smile breezed across his lips. “Now let’s juice.”
Marcus slapped a hand over his chest. “I thought you’d never ask.” He joined Jamie behind the counter, barely checking the urge to tuck Jamie’s ass into his lap. To kiss his neck until their zippers inevitably came down. There would be time for that later, though. In his bed. Jamie was going to be in his bed. “So, okay,” he rasped, taking a folded piece of paper out of his back pocket, laying it on the counter and smoothing the wrinkles with his flattened palm. “Been working on these recipes all week and I think this is the final menu.”
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