Her anxiety was a whole separate issue. She sat with her eyes closed, cross-legged, in the middle of her dorm room floor and tried to visualise the try-outs. She saw herself stepping on to a pitch surrounded by people who were watching her. Just this alone usually resulted in mild hyperventilation, and she would stop the visualisation and decide that there was no way she could do it.
Beth found a better coping technique. Every time she got all freaked out and decided not to go, she would speak to Wendy. Beth figured that Wendy was probably fed up to the back teeth with giving her pep talks, but they truly were incredibly helpful. She would come away from talking with Wendy feeling genuinely stronger and more able to handle it. It was a novel feeling for her. She hadn't had a close friend to rely on since her falling out with Paige, and she discovered that having a friend to talk to made all the difference. She wished more than ever that she and Paige had never stopped talking, but she was grateful to have such a strong new friend.
Maybe isolating herself in the library had made life worse and not better? Maybe she would be stronger if she had more friends? It was those kind of realisations that drove Beth to make it to the try-out the following Saturday.
She was still of two minds about whether she would go through with it, but she had to try. She was terrified, yet determined to “get out there”. She wanted to spend more time with Matt – if only there could be a less “public” way to do it?
Beth put her “football” outfit on again and walked slowly to the sports field. She spent the whole journey psyching herself up not to turn tail and run as soon as she saw the crowd.
The closer she got, the more jittery she became, but she pressed on regardless. Arriving at the football pitch, Beth found herself hiding behind a tree hoping to get a glimpse of Matt while trying not to be seen. She edged slowly closer, moving from tree to tree, until she was just at the edge of the pitch where a small crowd had gathered. Beth peered around the tree and was relieved to see that the crowd was far smaller than when she had seen it the previous week; but there were still enough people there to make her feel nervous.
After a couple of minutes the crowd thinned right down to just a few friends as the majority of the people jogged on to the pitch and began doing stretches and other warm-ups. The group on the pitch was mainly girls and only a few boys, and Beth frowned as she eventually spotted Matt and saw that he had three girls surrounding him already.
She sighed. Why had she expected anything else? Matt was too good-looking not to have been noticed by anyone else. And the fact that he was American just made him even more interesting. But she had thought that they somehow had a connection just because they were in a class together. He’d probably met loads of girls since moving to the UK, and she was just one of many that he’d invited along to try-outs.
She pressed her body deeper into the tree to remain hidden as another boy blew a whistle and everyone crowded around him. She thought she could see Matt looking all around, perhaps for her, but she decided that it was just wishful thinking.
Beth watched as the boy with the whistle put Matt in a group with the three girls, and she had just decided to slink away when they all fanned out again, cutting off her escape route.
Cones were set out along the pitch and the players got into lines and took turns dribbling the ball in and out among the cones. Beth watched carefully, but couldn’t see anything skilled or technical about what they were doing; it was exactly as described in her book, and she had done exactly the same in her private practice. In fact, she thought, watching the girls in Matt’s group, it seemed that none of them had done any practice because they were making lots of mistakes – and surely it wasn’t nearly as hard as they were acting as though it were?
Beth got so interested in seeing how well all the girls were doing that she forgot to keep well hidden.
“Beth? Beth!”
Beth pulled back out of sight as she saw Matt had spotted her, but it was obviously too late. She grumbled at herself and clung to the tree for some support for a few seconds before accepting that she was going to have to go out there now, even if it was only to say hello and then make an excuse to leave.
She pasted a smile onto her face and pushed away from the trunk, stepping into the light. She mentally measured the distance to Matt.
“It’s only about twenty steps,” she told herself. “Come on, Beth, you can take twenty steps. One, two, three...” She counted them as she walked towards him, preferring to concentrate on that rather than anything else. She knew she was still stuck in “smiling like an idiot” mode, but it didn’t matter as long as she managed not to panic and run away.
It was sixteen steps to Matt, because he came forward to meet her.
“Beth.” He looked so pleased to see her that she felt all mushy inside. His smile really ought to have a kilowatt setting, she thought inanely.
He took her arm. “I’m so glad you made it. Come and see Toby, I told him you might be coming. There are more girls than expected here today but,” his voice dropped conspiratorially, “a lot of them really can’t cut it.”
Beth tried to focus on the feel of his hand on her arm rather than his words, but she could hear them echoing in her head. She stopped walking.
“I really don’t think I’m going to do any better,” she said. “You said it didn’t matter.” She looked at him accusingly. She just knew it was going to be another hideously embarrassing social situation where she would be useless and everyone would laugh at her and she would probably be the only one who wasn’t picked and would have to leave the pitch in flames of embarrassment.
“Don’t be daft. You’ll be great,” Matt said, completely oblivious to her fears. He propelled her forward again. “Toby?” he called to the boy with the whistle.
Toby walked over as Beth dug her heels into the grass to slow Matt’s momentum in a direction she didn’t want to go.
Toby gave her a big smile. “Hi, you’re Matt’s friend? Are you new to Compass Court as well?”
Beth looked at Toby and tried to decide whether to laugh or to cry at his comment.
“Actually, Toby, I’ve been at the same school as you for the last six years.” She settled on giving him a tight smile because crying would have been hard to live down.
Toby shook his head, and peered at her closely. “Really? I’m sure I would have remembered you. Elizabeth, was it?”
“No, Bethan, or just Beth. Beth Jenkins.” She tried to jog his memory.
She had recognised Toby as soon as Matt had said his name and she was close enough to see his face. Toby was a someone. Not that their school was particularly cliquey, but Toby was fairly well known. His sister Rose was in the year above them, and his cousin Ellie was in their year and also very popular. Toby hung with a group of guys who were all sporty types and who moved with confidence through the school. He was one of the leaders of the group too, not to mention being kind of handsome. Basically not someone she would be likely to know on a personal level. But they had been in several classes together over the years and he should at least recognise her name.
But Toby was still looking at her like she was a puzzle.
“Well, I guess we just never crossed paths,” he said at last.
She shrugged, well aware that they had, but she had been purposefully unnoticeable.
But today she had made an effort, mainly for Matt’s benefit, not to look like a wallflower, and she supposed it must be working. Which was scary, more than anything else.
“Okay.” Toby checked his watch. “Would you mind joining Matt’s group and dribbling the ball down there and back?”
“Oh, um, I just came to support Matt, I don’t really want to be on the team.” She trailed off as Matt looked beseechingly at her.
“Oh, go on, Beth, it would be so good if you were on the team too.”
Beth felt the glow of his encouraging smile and found herself nodding without meaning to.
Stupid handsome boy who scrambled her mind so she could
n’t think straight!
But both Matt and Toby looked really pleased, which made her feel a little bit braver.
Toby dropped a ball at her feet and then stepped back to assess her performance.
That was the moment when all her doubts and fears rushed back in. The world seemed to suddenly slow down and she became aware of the people watching at the sidelines, and the three girls in Matt’s group who were suddenly intently watching her, and Toby who she wouldn’t normally dream of talking to, and Matt... She tried to shift her entire attention to Matt. After all, it was all for him. If she could just make herself do it for him...
“Keep your eye on the ball,” he said encouragingly.
Beth looked down at the ball. It was a football; a small round ball; there was nothing scary about a football, so she focussed on that. Time sped up again to normal and the onlookers faded from her sight as she concentrated on the ball.
She began to move the ball forward with her feet just as instructed in her book and just like she had practiced. It felt good; it was just her and the ball.
Her and the ball, no one else here.
She decided that even though football was a team sport, it actually required quite an individual skill set. You played the ball alone. She dribbled it in and out among the cones and then back again.
She was surprised when Toby clapped – was he being sarcastic? Surely it was hardly an achievement?
“Good, well done, Beth.” He blew his whistle again and people converged on them from all over the pitch. Beth’s eyes darted around nervously, but Matt placed his hand on the small of her back and she felt instantly calmer again, like his touch was somehow magically charged, sort of warm and reassuring.
“Okay,” Toby addressed the group, “We’re going to move down to the goal and do some kicking and some headers.”
One of the other three girls in her group stepped between her and Matt, deliberately slowing him down as she asked him some question about his old team.
Beth paused, not knowing what to do, but then Toby moved up beside her and asked Beth if she enjoyed watching real football matches.
Beth dragged her eyes off Matt. “No, I don’t watch much television, sorry,” she answered.
Toby laughed, “I didn’t mean on TV, I meant going to games,” he clarified as she continued to look blank.
“Never mind.” He gave her a side glance. “It’s probably not your type of thing anyway, I just thought maybe you might like to go to one sometime.”
“Yes, I might,” she said vaguely. She supposed it all depended on whether she got on the team. If she did then she figured she would have to learn a little more about football, and going to see a game or two would probably be helpful. Maybe Matt might like to go with her.
“Great.” Toby gave her a kind of hot look, and then jogged on ahead, glancing back once with a smile.
Beth processed his words for a second, trying to work out what his look had meant, and then stopped dead in her tracks.
Had Toby Falcon just asked her out? Surely not!
Chapter Seven
BETH WATCHED TOBY IN wide-eyed wonder; there was no way a boy like him would have asked out an invisible girl like her, was there? But just because she had been invisible in class, hidden among all the other students, did that mean that she had to be invisible now too? Here on the football pitch she was only one of maybe ten or so girls, and she had been brought to his attention by Matt. Could it be possible that he had actually seen her instead of seeing through her like she was used to?
The problem was that the look he had given her seemed to indicate interest, but Beth didn’t recognise it because no one had used it on her before. But put it together with his asking about her going to a football match and it added up to: a possible date?
Her eyes swivelled to Matt. He was talking to one of the other girls in their group. A tall busty girl with bouncy gold curls. The opposite to Beth in every way. The girl was touching Matt on the arm as they spoke and they were standing close together. That was far more the sort of signs she was good at reading. Signs that were obvious to see on other people rather than signs directed at her.
Her heart sank. Yes, Matt was showing interest in the girl and the girl was showing interest in Matt. Why couldn’t he have been the one to give her the look that Toby had given her? That was surely the whole point in being there.
“Okay, everyone line up, we’re going to kick at goal,” Toby shouted. “Three kicks per person. Don’t worry if you don’t actually score a goal, it’s more about power and aim. I want a kick to the middle, then one to the top left and one to the top right.”
Beth tried to fall back a little so as not to be near the front, but everyone seemed to have the same idea and she found herself second in line.
The girl in front of her was the girl who had been talking to Matt. Her long legs were muscled and well toned, and when she kicked the ball it slammed straight into the back of the net. She then kicked top left and top right with no trouble at all and scored a goal each time. The goalkeeper chucked the ball back each time with a look of admiration on his face, and Beth knew that she would look completely hopeless in comparison. The panic must have shown in her face because Toby, standing beside her, said, “Don’t worry, just do what you can.”
Matt didn’t say anything, but she remembered his words about keeping her eye on the ball. She let the rest of the world slide out of focus and honed her concentration just on the ball and the goal. She kicked the ball straight into the arms of the goalie, who chucked it back to her. She took a deep breath and drilled her world down to the ball again. This time it sailed past the goalie and into the top left. He chucked it back and gave her a thumbs up. She gave him a grateful smile in return and then kicked top right. She didn’t get the height that time and he caught it again, but he smiled and nodded at her like she had done well.
Beth moved out of the way for the next girl. As she stood back she was amazed that she had even done it, especially now that she focussed once more on all the people around her. But there was something about football, the way it really was just her and the ball in the moment, that meant she could play without panicking.
A smile spread across her face – she did like football. Suddenly she really wanted to make the team, she wanted to be able to play something with other people where she didn’t feel like she was going to be sick or pass out just by the very nature of socially interacting as part of a game. The other players only needed to exist in the periphery; it could just be one girl and her ball.
It was with growing excitement that Beth watched all the other girls completely fail to kick the ball three times into the goal. Some of them had aim that was way off, but for the most part they seemed to struggle with getting it off the ground and up to the top corners. Most kicked well but only along the grass.
Beth had thought that all the others would be just like the first girl and that she herself would be the very worst of the bunch, but it seemed like the first girl had been unusually good and that actually Beth was above the average. She was silently grateful for all the books she had read and the practice she had put in, as it looked as though it was going to pay off. She could properly find out if she enjoyed playing football as a new and healthy hobby both mentally and physically, and she could be with Matt.
Beth sneaked another look at Toby. She could benefit from being friends with him too. He made her feel good about herself in those few words they had exchanged without feeling panicked or pressured, and she wouldn’t be adverse to a little more of that kind of attention.
Beth got nervous again as they lined up for “headers”. She jostled a little with the blonde girl, as they both tried to go opposite Matt. She had almost got out of the way with an apology, but at the last moment a stubborn streak, that she hadn’t known she even had, had kicked in and she’d managed to get herself partnered with Matt. He stood opposite her and gave her a big grin and she felt herself relax again.
As Toby moved d
own the line, Matt chucked her a gentle lob and she easily headed it back to him. Toby stopped, and was watching the next one. Matt made it a little harder and Beth had to jump slightly to reach it, but she still managed to return it.
“Do you mind?” Toby asked Matt, taking the ball from him. “Can you try to send this one over there?” Toby said, indicating to his left.
Beth bit her lip and nodded. Toby let the ball sail high and Beth had to shift to get under it. She did her slow-motion mind thing, letting the world narrow to nothing but the ball, and managed to place it perfectly.
“Well done.” Toby looked really pleased and she felt herself glow in response.
She was still riding high on that when it all went a bit wrong. They were each given a ball and told to try to keep it off the ground. She hadn't practiced that and her efforts were a total disaster. As she attempted to kick the ball from her foot up to her knee it spun off in every direction but up, and then from her head to her foot was just as bad, and she spent ten minutes chasing the ball around the pitch to start again. Her only saving grace was that most of the other girls also seemed to be as useless at it as she was, with the notable exception of the girl who was competing for Matt’s attention and seemed to best her in everything they did.
“Nice one, Marianne,” Toby said as he passed them, and Beth saw him put a big tick next to Marianne’s name on his clipboard. She craned her neck trying to spot her own name, but was too slow to see.
Last of all he put each of them in goal and Matt, Toby and another boy called Bryn all took turns to kick the ball at them. Matt was kindest and kicked it straight to them. Toby made it more challenging and kicked in random directions so that most of them missed it, but Bryn kicked hard and fast and Beth found herself cringing away from the ball as it made a beeline for her face. She was furious with herself when she ducked out of the way and the ball went merrily into the goal behind her. What a wimp she must look.
Boy Girl Games Page 3
