Her feet were sluggish and she was extremely aware of Marianne glaring daggers at her, clearly telling her not to do something as stupid as to come over to their table. Beth felt her old nerves kicking in. What was she doing? She was braving shark-infested waters socially to go and talk to him. Couldn’t she just keep what they had in their one hour a week and stay away from him the rest of the time? At least in that class no one would publicly take her down, but here in the cafeteria just a few choice words from a mean girl could ruin what she had tried so hard to achieve. All her precious new confidence could be shattered. On the other hand, it was a blow to the new stronger her if she didn’t go over.
Why had she picked such a public place to prove herself and to show Matt what he meant to her even just as a friend?
“Hi, can I join you?” She had reached their table. The shark was circling her but she kept her eyes focussed only on Matt.
“Uh, sure.” He seemed surprised but pleased.
Beth sat down and experienced a rush of relief. It didn’t seem like she had done much, yet she felt like she had conquered a mental version of Everest. She hadn’t let the mean girl decide what she could or couldn’t do or manage to make her incapable of doing it. No, she had ignored Marianne, and now suddenly she wasn’t bothered by her anymore. Her fear was gone. She realised that the fear had been in her own head and had never really come from the meanness of others. For years she had held herself back. She had turned Marianne and others like her into someone who had power over her, but they didn’t.
Beth gave Marianne a smile. A genuine smile. “Hi,” she said. Then turned back to Matt. “So, you like broccoli?” she said.
Chapter Thirty-four
BETH LAY ON HER BED and wrote in her diary. She had a perfectly good desk, but sometimes it was nice just to lie on her tummy and stretch out. Her therapist had suggested the diary, but Beth hadn't much bothered until now. She felt like she couldn’t bear to see page after page of her insecurities. It would have been filled with constant anxiety, and shame at her inability to act like a normal person. But today she felt she had taken a giant step. She had overcome the fear, and that was what she wanted to write down.
She speed-wrote everything that had happened since her last entry from the day she first met Matt. She wrote how she loved talking to him in class. How she had been distracted by dating Toby, but how ultimately that had been good for her. How much she loved football. How she had made friends again with Paige, and how she had faced down a girl she had been scared of.
It had been a good year and it had been a good day.
Of course it had all gone a bit wrong when she actually tried to talk to Matt. He had seemed reserved, not saying much, just sort of observing her out of character behaviour. And she quickly realised how much her timing sucked. She had approached him right in front of his girlfriend, only thinking of herself and not really considering his position.
The whole table had stopped talking as if waiting for Matt to answer her inane enquiry, and although Beth knew it was really all in her mind, she had felt like a giant spotlight had been turned on them.
“Yeah, sure,” he’d answered, looking at her with a strange and curious expression on his face.
Beth didn’t try to speak to him again, and instead she turned to Emma and asked how her ankle was doing. It didn’t matter to her that he hadn't really said anything; the important thing was simply that she had gone over to him and made that first move and she hadn't chickened out.
She was just scribbling a few notes about the upcoming football final, when her phone buzzed.
She looked at it in surprise – she hardly ever got messages. Perhaps it was Paige?
“Sorry. I meant to say no, I don’t like broccoli, it was forced on me by the dinner lady.”
Matt, it was Matt!
“So why didn’t you say so?” she asked, genuinely curious.
“Got nervous, you make me nervous, hence why I’m not actually calling you right now.”
Beth laughed out loud. She made him nervous? That couldn’t possibly be true; he was never nervous with her at in class together.
“No, I don’t, you were fine on Monday.”
“I thought you were still with Toby, it made things easier.”
What was he saying? That he liked her? That he could just be her friend knowing she had a boyfriend but that it was different now she didn’t? But what about Marianne?
She chewed her lip thoughtfully.
“What will your girlfriend think of you texting me now?”
She didn’t want to bring up Marianne, but judging by his looks of pity he obviously knew about her and Toby, so maybe it was time they stopped ignoring the subject.
“What girlfriend?”
Beth frowned – what was he saying? Was he saying they had split up or was he just trying to be funny? She finally put:
“You and Marianne?”
“Went on one date. No chemistry for either of us, decided to just be friends. She’s been helping me navigate a new school, nothing more.”
She stared at the phone. Was that true? Could that possibly be true? Why had he never said so before? Why had she never asked? She slapped herself on the forehead. The two of them were both as bad as each other. And now they were hiding behind text messages.
Her phone buzzed again.
“I think she has a thing for Toby. Would that upset you?”
“No, not at all, but I don’t think she’ll get anywhere. I’m pretty sure that Toby is quite smitten with my friend Paige.”
“Is that why you broke up with him?”
“No.”
Beth stopped, not knowing how much to say. She couldn’t say that she broke up with Toby for him. In the end she settled for something less scary.
“I was going out with Toby for the wrong reasons. I liked him, but not like that.”
There was a long pause while she waited for Matt to answer. Two minutes later her phone rang. Beth dived under the covers so as to be private from her room-mates and took the call.
“Hello?”
“I like leeks,” said Matt.
“Huh?” Beth laughed for sheer joy of hearing his voice.
“Leeks, especially when covered in a cheesy sauce.”
“I like them with a little lemon juice and lots of butter.” Beth giggled at their conversation.
She curled up, still under the covers, wrapped around the phone, and they talked for an hour. They didn’t mention anything personal again, just chatted a load of silly banter. She was desperate to ask him where they went from there, but she knew it was too soon.
Matt had revealed that he got nervous around her and it was enough, she didn’t want to rush it. She was single and he was single, which was great, but he still hadn’t actually said he liked her that way. So Beth kept things light and waited for him to say something, but he didn’t.
Eventually, Matt sighed. “I'd better go, it’s getting late and I still haven't done my prep work tonight.”
“Okay.” Beth didn’t want to hang up, but she didn’t want to spoil it either, so she didn’t press him.
“Goodnight, Beth,”
“Goodnight, Matt.”
Chapter Thirty-five
PAIGE AND TOBY SAT side by side in Home Economics class avoiding each other’s eye.
What ever Beth said, Paige still felt responsible for her break-up with Toby and had vowed to stay away from him as much as possible. But she still had to sit next to him twice a week for Home Ec.; however she was sure she could manage to be friendly and still keep her distance. It didn’t help that he looked so cute though, but she focused hard on the weight conversion table in front of her that she was studying.
Toby had no real idea of what to say to Paige. He had been surprised that Beth had ended their relationship, but then even more surprised to find that he wasn’t particularly bothered about it. He had finally decided that it was because of Paige that he wasn’t upset. But knowing that meant that it was
now very hard to talk to her. Their friendship had been growing for a while, but now that he was single he didn’t know how to change their relationship to possibly being more than friends.
Eventually Toby cleared his throat and said, “So, er, Beth dumped me on Saturday.”
Paige kept her eyes down on her book. “Yes, I know. She came to see me afterwards.”
“Oh dear.” Toby pursed his lips. “Did she give you hell to pay? I’m really sorry about that.”
“You needn’t be, it was a good thing. Beth and I had a good talk and we’re friends again now.”
Toby paused, unsure how to take the news. “Oh... good.”
Paige nodded and flashed a very brief smile, but she still didn’t look up.
Toby didn’t know what to say next, and so the rest of the lesson passed in an awkward silence.
THE FOLLOWING THURSDAY they were once more side by side. Toby watched Paige from the corner of his eye and tried to work out what was different about her. It wasn’t just that she was being cooler with him, but that her whole personality seemed off somehow. He couldn’t put his finger on it. It was like she was less happy on the outside yet more happy on the inside. Which made no sense to him at all.
“I thought I saw you and Beth going into the library together yesterday.” he said at last.
“Yes,” Paige confirmed, but didn’t elaborate.
“Right, good.” He lapsed into silence again. He tried to work out if Paige and Beth being friends again somehow accounted for Paige’s not talking to him anymore. Perhaps Paige was ignoring him out of some kind of sisterly solidarity with a female friend, but he didn’t really see how that worked because Beth had been the one to finish with him, not the other way around. So why would either of them be mad at him? He wondered if he had at any point let his attraction to Paige show? Maybe that was it. There had been a charged moment between them in the kitchen that time; but it hardly seemed like the basis to stop talking to him.
He knew he should just leave it alone, but it was really bugging him. He liked her a lot, he more than liked her; and he wanted to know what was going on.
“Paige?”
“Hmm?”
“Have I done something to upset you?” Toby asked.
Paige turned a little bit pink, but at least she looked him in the eye. “No,” she said with a tight smile.
“Then why are you being so quiet?”
Paige gave a short laugh. “It’s the new me. From now on I’m only going to be cheerful and dynamic when I feel it, rather than all the time.”
Toby cocked his head. “Well, that sounds like a good plan; you were kind of intimidating how you were before.”
“Really? Then I’m glad I stopped pretending.” Paige gave a genuinely warm smile that seemed to make her glow, and Toby found himself moving in for a kiss. The moment seemed so right, but as Paige suddenly got an alarmed look on her face, he realised what he was doing and hastily pulled back.
Toby quickly turned away. What had gotten into him? Right in the middle of class he had been about to try and kiss her! And judging from the look on her face she might well have slapped him in response.
He needed to tread carefully or he was going to blow it. He would have to act cool and maybe give it a little bit of time after his recent break-up with Beth, who now, typically for girls, seemed to be best friends with Paige instead of worst enemies.
He just hoped that he hadn’t somehow lost his own friendship with Paige in the process. He would have liked something more but he would settle for just being friends again if that was all she wanted.
Over the next two classes, Toby worked on getting back his easy chatter with Paige. Slowly but surely she was warming up to him again. She was still a bit skittish if he got too close, and she jumped if he touched her, but occasionally he caught her giving him lingering looks when she thought he wasn’t watching. Eventually it occurred to him that maybe it wasn’t that she didn’t like him, maybe it was that she did like him. In a backwards kind of way it would explain why she was being so different around him.
He thought hard about what to do about it, and eventually decided that he really needed to speak to Beth.
Chapter Thirty-six
THE FOLLOWING WEEK, after speaking with Matt, passed quickly for Beth. She suddenly found she was waking up feeling enthusiastic for every single day. It was so different from how she used to feel that she could hardly accept it was real, and yet there it was. She loved her schoolwork, she loved her friends, she was spending all her free time with Wendy and Paige – who got on brilliantly after some initial suspicion on Wendy’s part – and she loved all her new football buddies too. But most of all she loved catching sight of Matt.
He would wave at her from the other end of the corridor, or send her a text message during free periods, but they didn’t talk in person. They stayed on their separate lunch tables but he would smile across at her from time to time like they were in on some secret together.
Beth found it both frustrating and exciting, like some kind of dance, where they danced slowly closer and then tantalisingly out of reach again. She was convinced that he liked her, and yet he made no move.
When she wasn’t focussed solely on her own relationship issues, Beth was taking delight in watching something and nothing happen between Toby and Paige.
Paige clearly had a thing for Toby, but she absolutely refused to consider dating him because he was Beth’s ex-boyfriend. Beth kept trying to tell Paige that she didn’t mind, and would in fact be delighted, but Paige just didn’t seem to believe her. Their rekindled friendship was too new and delicate to risk according to Paige, and Beth was touched that she felt that way, but she truly did want them to get together.
But Paige was barely speaking to Toby to avoid giving away her feelings, and so there seemed no hope. Right up until Toby cornered Beth at practice that Friday.
“Beth, tell me if this is too awkward for you, but I wondered if I could talk to you about Paige?”
He waited with a cautious look on his face, clearly prepared to drop the subject if she wanted, but Beth gave him a big smile and looped her arm through his.
“You like her, don’t you?” she asked.
He nodded. “Do you mind?”
“Of course not, dummy, I think the two of you would be great together. Not that you have a single thing in common; you do know that she hates football, right?”
Toby chewed a thumbnail, looking surprisingly uncomfortable. “I know, but I don’t care, I really like her. She’s just so lovely. Not that you aren't too,” he hastened to add. “But I thought she liked me too, and now she’s kind of colding me out, and I wondered if it was because the two of you were now friends and you had an issue with it?”
Beth rolled her eyes. “You are both as bad as each other. She’s completely crazy about you, but yeah, she’s keeping away from you out of some silly misplaced loyalty to me.”
Toby’s face broke into a grin. “She’s crazy about me?”
“Yup, so what do we do about it? Paige can be pretty stubborn.”
“Perhaps it would help if you were to move on first?” Toby’s eyes flicked to Matt.
Beth blushed deeply, previously unaware that Toby had guessed her feelings for Matt.
“I’m not sure if he’s really interesting in me.”
“Are you kidding? Did you see the look on his face when that boy was running at you? I could see that he was going to get there before me, simply because he had to. He’d jump in front of a bus to save you. I would never have made a pass at you in the first place if I'd realised how much he liked you.”
Beth blushed even more, right to the roots of her hair. “Do you really think so?”
Toby nodded. “Yes. So what’s his problem?”
Beth laughed. “Maybe it’s the same as Paige’s, maybe he feels it would be disloyal to his friendship with you? Perhaps it would help if you were to move on first?”
Toby rolled his eyes and sighed. “
I have a feeling you might be right. We’re going to have to work as a team and be a bit clever here.”
“Keep talking.” Beth smiled at the wicked twinkle in Toby’s eyes.
“Here’s the plan. You tell Paige that you and Matt are together and I’ll tell Matt that Paige and I are together. Then neither of them will feel guilty...”
“That’s all very well in theory, but what if Matt and I then don’t get together? I will have lied to my best friend. I can’t do that.”
Toby puffed out his cheeks. “Oh, for goodness’ sake, will you just kiss the boy already and then we can all get what we want?”
Beth punched him on the arm. “I’m doing my best, believe me! But I’ll definitely talk to Paige again for you.”
THE FOOTBALL FINAL against the Marlow’s team started badly. When Beth woke up on Saturday morning it was to find the sky blackened and spits of rain coming and going. She went down to breakfast convinced that the match would be rained off, but Toby assured everyone that he had spoken with Marlow’s and they were definitely on their way. It was the final match of the Mixed League and lots of supporters were expected. Neither team really wanted to put it off until after Easter.
When Beth reached the pitch she found her team huddled together wearing macks and one of the girls even holding a big golf umbrella.
“We can’t play in this,” Marianne grumbled. “We’ll be sliding all over the place.”
“Welcome to English football,” Toby quipped in reply.
Kick-off still went ahead at eleven on the dot, and just as Marianne predicted, the players slid all over the place in the wet grass. Scoring a goal seemed more and more unlikely as the rain showers got more and more frequent, and most of the ‘parent’ supporters began to retreat to their cars to watch the match through their windscreens instead.
At half-time they stood dripping and miserable, listening to Toby rant.
“We’ve got to win this thing; we’ve come so close to winning the league. I refuse to call it off because we’d forfeit the game. They are up for playing on, so we are too, got it? So no more moaning and go and score me some sodding goals!”
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