Deliberately he touched her shoulder, and just as he now expected, she jumped and frowned toward him.
He hated being right. “We have to talk,” he said to her. “Soon.”
Chapter Eleven
The next Saturday night, Angelica listened to the closing notes of the praise band and wished she felt the love the musicians had been singing about.
Sometime during the past month, coming to Saturday night services with Lou Ann, Troy and Xavier had become the highlight of her week. The focus on God’s love, the sense of being part of a community of believers and the growing hope of a future here—all of it made church wonderful. But tonight, she’d been too jittery to enjoy it.
She felt Troy’s gaze on her—again—and scooted toward the edge of the padded pew. “I’ve got to go get Xavier.”
“No, that’s okay.” Lou Ann sidled past her and out of the pew. “I’ll do it.”
Oh. Rats.
Troy turned to greet the family next to them, and, hoping he hadn’t heard her exchange with Lou Ann, she started edging out of the pew. Grabbing her purse, she stood and took a sideways step, then another.
Suddenly some kind of hook caught her wrist, and she looked down to see the crook of a wooden cane tugging at her.
She spun back toward him. “Troy! What are you doing?”
“I knew this thing was good for something,” he said, holding up the cane he’d borrowed from Lou Ann and offering her a repentant grin. Then he scanned the room. “The place is emptying out. We can have some privacy. Do you mind staying a minute?”
Yes, I mind! She bit her lip, shook her head and sank back down onto the pew. It was probably better to stay here in the sanctuary than to go off somewhere by themselves. Somewhere she might feel that strange sense in her stomach again, that sense of...
Being attracted.
Yeah, that.
She hadn’t felt it for years—in fact, she hadn’t felt it since she was engaged to Troy—and it was making her crazy.
“We’ve got to talk about why you jump every time I touch you.”
“Don’t open that can of worms, Troy,” she said quickly. Of all their possible topics of conversation, that was the one she most wanted to avoid.
He cocked his head to one side, studying her face. “Actually we’ve got to talk about a few things,” he said finally. “One of which is this marriage. People are asking more and more about it. We can’t put them off forever with some vague engagement plans in the future.”
Early-evening sunshine slanted through stained-glass windows, and the breeze through the church’s open back door felt cool against Angelica’s neck. “I know. It’s Xavier, too. He wants to know when the wedding will be.”
“Is there going to be a wedding?” He watched her, his face impassive.
Her heart skipped a beat. “Do you want to back out?”
“Noooooo,” he said. “But I’m seeing some implications I wasn’t thinking about before.” Deliberately he reached out and took her hand.
It felt as if every nerve, every sensation in her body was concentrated in her hand. Concentrated to notice how his hand was bigger, more calloused than hers. To notice the warmth and protection of being completely wrapped in him. Waves of what felt like electricity crackled through her veins.
He was watching her. It seemed he was always watching her. “You feel it?”
Heat rose to her cheeks as she nodded.
“So...we’re going to have to figure out what to do with that.”
Somehow even admitting she felt something for him—something like physical attraction—made her feel panicky and ashamed. She looked away from him, focusing on the polished light wooden pews, on the simple altar at the front of the church. Her hand still burned, enclosed by his larger one, and she pulled it away, hiding it in the folds of her dress.
“It’s not wrong, you know. It’s a mutual thing, a gift from God, and He blesses it in the context of marriage.” Troy’s voice, though quiet, was sure.
Angelica wanted that quiet certainty so much. She wanted Troy’s leadership in this area. Wanted to feel okay about her body and wanted to find the beauty in physical intimacy sanctioned by God. It had been so long since she felt anything but sadness and regret about the physical side of life. Here, in God’s house, she wanted to hope. But did she dare? Was change possible after all these years? Could God bless her that much?
Xavier and Lou Ann came hurrying in through the side front door of the sanctuary. Whew, relief.
“Hey, you two.” Lou Ann reached them right behind Xavier and leaned on the pew in front of them. “Some of the kids and parents are walking over to the Meadows for ice cream. Is it okay if I take Xavier along?”
“Please, Mom?” Xavier chimed in.
Angelica grabbed her purse. “I can take him,” she said to Lou Ann.
“That’s okay. I could use a rocky road ice-cream cone myself.” Lou Ann reached over and put a hand on her shoulder, effectively holding her in the pew. She leaned down and whispered, “Besides, you need to talk to him.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, you have to!” Lou Ann patted her arm. “I’ll be praying for you.”
“Thanks a lot!” She bit her lip and watched Lou Ann guide Xavier off, trying to remember what was most important: God was with her, always, and God forgave her, and God would help her get through this whole thing.
She drew in a breath, and the peace she’d been seeking during the service came rushing in. Pneuma. Holy Spirit. God.
She turned back to Troy and he took her hand again, and immediately that uncurling inside started. That opening; that vulnerability. She tried to pull away a little, but he held on. Not too tight, not forcing her, but letting her know he wanted to keep touching her.
Angelica let him do it, her eyes closed tight. She didn’t want to like his touch. Didn’t want to need him. It would be so much easier and safer not to open up.
He tightened his grip on her hand, ever so slightly. “I want you to tell me why you pull away all the time.”
“I’m not sure—”
“Hey, hey, the engaged couple!” Pastor Ricky came over and clapped Troy on the shoulder, leaned down to hug Angelica, overwhelming her. She shrank back, right into Troy. Aack.
“Have you two set a date yet? Are you wanting to get married here? You’d better reserve it now if you’re planning to do it any time soon. We’re a busy place.”
“We were just talking about that,” Troy said.
“Make an appointment with me to start some premarital counseling, too.” He made a few more minutes of small talk and then turned to another pair of parishioners and walked away with them.
“He’s right,” Troy said. “We’ve got to decide.”
“I know.” But inside, turmoil reigned.
Xavier needed a dad in the worst way, and Troy was the perfect man for the job. The three of them were already close.
Xavier needed it, needed Troy, but she herself was terrified.
Lord, help me. Her heart rate accelerated to the pace of a hummingbird. She could barely breathe. She looked up at Troy, panicky.
“You can talk to me.” He slid an arm along the back of the pew behind her, letting it rest ever so lightly around her shoulders. “What is it you need to tell me?”
She took deep, slow, breaths. The fact that she was shaking had to be obvious to Troy.
What part could she tell him? What part did she need to keep private? What part would come back to bite her?
Tell him the worst right away.
Like yanking off a Band-Aid. She moved to the edge of the pew, away from his arm, and pulled her hand from his. Clenching her fists, she turned her head toward him, looking right at his handsome face. “I was...I was raped.”
; “Raped? What? When?”
It was the first time she’d ever said that word, even to herself. Her vision seemed to blur around the edges, bringing her focus to just his mouth, his eyes. She had to grip the edge of the pew, waiting for the expression of disgust and horror to cross his face.
His mouth twisted.
There it was, the anger she’d expected. She looked away from his face and down at his hands. His enormous hands. They clenched into fists.
She shrank away. Was he going to hit her right here and now? Frantically she looked around for help.
“Tell me.” He sounded as though he was gritting his teeth. But his voice was quiet, and when she looked at his hands, they’d relaxed a little. He wasn’t moving any closer, either.
“Troy, I’m sorry...I was drinking. I should have been more careful.”
“Man, I’d like to kill the jerk who did that to you. When did it happen?” His voice was still angry, and she couldn’t blame him. At least it was a controlled anger, so she wasn’t at immediate risk.
Even though it would destroy their relationship, she’d started down this path and she had to keep going. God, help me. “It was...after my twenty-first birthday celebration. Remember I went out to that bar?” She heard the urgent sound in her voice. Couldn’t seem to calm down.
His expression changed. “I remember that night. I had to work and couldn’t go.” He pounded a fist lightly against the pew. “I should have been there to take care of you.”
“I was drinking.”
He took her hand in his. “It’s not your fault. Man, I wish I’d been there.” He shook his head slowly back and forth, his eyes far away, as if he were reliving that time.
Not her fault? She looked away, bit her lip. That was what her therapist and her aunt had said, but she’d never really believed it. Could Troy?
“Look,” he said, “as far as any physical connection between us is concerned, you can have all the time you need. I’ll be patient. I understand.”
Tears filled her eyes. Was it possible that, even knowing this, Troy could still want her?
“So...wait. That’s when Xavier was conceived?”
She nodded, staring down at her lap, kneading her skirt between her hands. He was being kinder than she had any right to expect. She blinked and drew in shuddery breaths as tension released from her body.
Telling him the truth was something she’d barely considered at the time because she was terrified of what his reaction would be. She’d had some vague image of yelling and rage and judgment, and the notion of Troy, her beloved fiancé, doing that had pushed her right out of town. Better to leave than to face that pain.
He didn’t seem to be blaming her. She could hardly believe in it, couldn’t imagine that his kindness would stay, but even the edge of it warmed her heart.
“Who did it, Angelica?” Troy’s voice grew low, urgent. “Was it someone you knew? Someone we knew?”
And there it was, the part she didn’t dare tell him.
“Did we know him?” Troy repeated.
Still looking down at her lap, she shook her head.
Did it count as a lie if she didn’t say it out loud?
* * *
Troy looked at Angelica with his heart aching for all the pain she’d been through and his fists clenching with anger at the jerk who’d done this to her. He tried to ignore the tiny suspicion that she wasn’t telling the whole truth.
His mother had constantly lied to his father. He didn’t want to believe it of Angelica, but her body language, her voice, her facial expressions—all of it suggested she was keeping something from him. “We were engaged. You should have told me.”
“I blamed myself,” she said in a quiet voice. “And I knew how much my chastity meant to you.”
Her words hit him like a physical blow. “You think that would be more important than taking care of you? I would’ve helped you.”
“Out of obligation,” she said, glancing up at him and then away. “But you wouldn’t have liked it.”
“Was I that kind of a jerk?” He didn’t think so, but look how he was feeling right now. Compassion, sure, but with the slightest shred of doubt in his heart.
He grabbed the Bible from the rack in front of them and held it. For something to do with his hands, but also to remind himself to take the high road and think the best. “I can’t believe this happened to you,” he said, turning the Good Book over and over in his hands, thinking out loud. “It was a crime committed against you. It’s not your fault, and you shouldn’t blame yourself.” He put the Bible down beside him. “And if you didn’t report the crime then...” He searched her face, saw her shake her head, looking at her lap again. “If you didn’t say anything already, you should now. The man should be brought to justice. I’ll talk to Dion. He knows everything about the law.”
“No!” She scooted away from him, an expression of horror on her face. “I don’t want to dig into it again. And anyway, it’s not...it’s not necessary.”
“We gotta get the guy! Don’t you want justice?”
She shook her head. “No. I don’t want anything to do with the police.”
“Are you protecting someone?”
“I just don’t want to get the police involved. For all kinds of reasons.”
Why wouldn’t she tell him who did it? Was she telling the truth, that she didn’t know the person?
And if she was lying, then how much did she really care for him?
He looked at her face and was shocked by the disappointment he saw there. Immediately he felt awful. She needed support, she needed help. She needed a dad for Xavier, and speaking of that sweet kid...wow, he was the product of an assault. And she’d mothered him despite that, wonderfully.
Whatever mistakes she’d made in the past, he was going to provide what he could for her. He reached out to put his arm around her. Felt her stiffen, but remain still, letting him do it.
There was none of the tender promise of before, though. There was more of a cringe. He reached out involuntarily to stroke her shiny hair.
She pulled away and stood. “I’m going to leave you to think about this. It’s a lot to take in, I know.”
“Angelica—”
“We’ll talk later, okay?” Her lips twisted and she hurried off toward the back of the sanctuary.
Leaving him to his dark thoughts and guilt and anger, a mixture that didn’t seem to belong in this holy place.
Chapter Twelve
“I’m terrified,” Angelica admitted to Lou Ann as they dug carrots from the garden. “They hated me before and they’ll hate me even more now.”
The older woman shifted her gardening stool to the next row. “Troy’s family isn’t that bad.”
Hot sun warmed Angelica’s head and bare arms, and the garden smells of dirt and tomato vines and marigolds tickled her nose. Around them, rows of green were starting to reveal the fruit of the season: red tomatoes, yellow squash, purple eggplant.
Later today, she and Troy and Xavier were going to join his family at the small country club’s Labor Day picnic. Just the words country club made Angelica shudder.
Not only that, but her relationship with Troy had felt strained ever since last Saturday, when she’d revealed the truth about how Xavier was conceived. Although he’d responded better than she’d expected, she still felt questions in his eyes every time he looked at her. It made her want to avoid him, but they’d had the plan to go to the Labor Day picnic for weeks.
And she had to see whether she could stand it and whether his family could accept Xavier. Had to see whether to go forward with the marriage or run as fast as she could in the opposite direction.
The older woman sat back on her gardening stool. “You put way too much stock in what those people think.”
“What they think about me isn’t that important,” Angelica said, “but I don’t want them to reject Xavier.”
Lou Ann used the back of her hand to push gray curls out of her eyes. “I’ve yet to meet a person who could dislike that child. What God didn’t give him in health, He gave him double in charm.”
“Which he knows how to use,” Angelica said wryly. “But what he doesn’t know is which fork to pick up at what time. I don’t, either. We’ve neither of us ever been to a country club.”
“He never took you when you were engaged?” Lou Ann asked, and when Angelica shook her head, the other woman waved a dismissive hand. “Honey, this isn’t some ritzy East Coast place. This is a picnic in small-town Ohio. I’ve been to the country club dozens of times. It’s just a golf course with a pool and some tennis courts. Ordinary people go there.”
“People like me? I don’t think so.” She remembered the girls from high school who spent their summers at the club. They wore their perfect tans and tennis whites around town as status symbols. Angelica could only pretend not to see their sneers as she scooped their ice cream or rang up their snack purchases, working summers at the local Shop Star Market.
“You’ve got the wrong idea,” Lou Ann said. “Rescue River’s country club has always been a welcoming place. Never had a color barrier, never dug into your marital status, never turned away families based on their religion. They’re open to anybody who can pay the fee, which isn’t all that much these days. I’ve thought about joining just to have a nice place to swim.”
Angelica tugged at a stubborn weed. “You may be right, but Troy’s family can’t stand me. Not only did I dump their son, but my grandfather threw a wrench in their plans to dominate the county with their giant farm. We’ve been feuding from way back.”
“Isn’t it time that ended?” Lou Ann pulled radishes while she spoke. “The Lord wants us to be forces of reconciliation. I know Troy believes in that. You should, too.”
Angelica sat back in the grass, listening to crickets chirping as a breeze rustled the leaves of an oak tree nearby. God’s peace. She smiled at Lou Ann. “You’re my hero, you know that? I want to be you when I grow up.”
Engaged to the Single Mom Page 13
