by Eric Ugland
“A danger I’m willing to take.”
“You’d better.”
“We’re going round in circles. Are you ready to meet Baltu? He’s probably going to be the best one to work with in terms of getting the kobolds integrated.”
“Let’s go.”
He started walking, and because it was just that sort of a day, he was going the wrong way. Which meant I had to point that out to him, which only made him angrier.
Baltu was hanging out with the other kobolds, but he was standing.
“Baltu,” I said, “this is the man in charge while I’m not here. Nikolai.”
Nikolai extended his hand, and the two men shook.
“Look at that,” I said. “We can all be friends.”
Neither Baltu nor Nikolai looked as if they thought we were all friends.
I clapped the two on their respective shoulders and walked away. I didn’t want to get in the middle of their conversation, mainly because I was about to leave, and I knew it was going to be a cluster-fuck in Coggeshall for a while. I didn’t need that headache.
“Hey boss,” Skeld shouted, running towards me. “We have an issue.”
I ran his way, he skidded to a stop, and turned to run back into the mountain dwelling.
“What is it?” I asked while sprinting.
“The white furry kobold guy—”
“Vreggork?”
“Sure. Meikeljan is the only thing keeping some of the Thingmen from killing him.”
“Did he do something?”
“Not that I saw. We were heading up to the armory, gearing up, and then—”
“Things went to shit?”
“As soon as they saw, uh—”
“Vreggork.”
“Sure. As soon as they saw him, they went nuts.”
We ran through the door, pushing people out of the way. I shouted as we ran up the stairs, to make sure everyone knew we weren’t going to stop.
I skidded to a stop at the fourth floor when I saw a human man hammering against a glowing shield, something Meikeljan must’ve created to keep himself and Vreggork safe. Four humans, two men and two women, were egging each other on, everyone with weapons out and their rage faces on. Vreggork and Meikeljan had their backs against the wall, an iridescent gold bubble separating them from the soldiers. At the end of the hall was the treasury, and one door closer was the armory. There was a fair amount of overlap between the two.
The humans, who were definitely Legionnaires and not Thingmen, hadn’t noticed me yet. And while I thought about saying something, that really wasn’t my style when I was angry. Instead, I just barreled into the lead guy, shoulder down, launching that asshole down the hallway and bouncing him across the floor.
He groaned as I popped up to my feet. I glared at the other three humans, who still had weapons out, daring them to attack again.
“What the fuck is this?” I shouted.
An awkward silence in the hall.
“A snowbold,” one of the women said.
“Yeah, and?” I asked. “I see a human in front of me — should I pull out a warhammer and pound on you?”
“Do you know how much that coat is worth?” she asked.
“Is it worth your life?”
She blinked a few times, clearly not getting a damn thing I was saying.
“But, your grace, it’s a snowbold. A kobold. That coat is the best thing for winter. Or summer. You wear that and you’re always warm or cool or—”
Full disclosure here: my anger got the best of me. My arm shot out, hand around her neck, pushing her so hard against the wall that her head cracked off the carved stone with a hollow thunk.
“This is a living, thinking being here,” I said. “I bet I could make a nice lampshade from your skin. Does that mean you should die for it?”
Her eyes were a little unfocused, so I threw her to the side and advanced on the remaining two, who, in response, starting stepping backward.
“Do you two have anything to say?” I asked.
“No, your grace,” the more conscious of the two women said. “We had no idea that—”
“Why would you think attacking someone in the town would ever be okay?”
“We, uh—”
“You need to understand,” I said, “that there’s not a single response here that doesn’t make things worse. So, probably the best thing to do is shut up and wait for a punishment.”
“Punishment?” the guy said. “For what? For a kobold?”
“Shut up, Geoffrey,” the woman said.
“Might want to listen to her,” I said.
There was some groaning from the guy on the floor.
“I think you broke my ribs,” he said.
“Good,” I replied.
Chapter Twenty
It was some time before things settled down. Or, more to the point, before I settled down. I was angry. And embarrassed. Really embarrassed. I overreacted and nearly killed two members of my own holding, two soldiers who had sworn fealty to me.
Thankfully, for whatever reason, Vreggork seemed pretty chill about the whole thing. I apologized, and sure, he was grateful he hadn’t been killed. Or skinned alive, which was apparently a thing that happened often enough to his kind that he commented on it, but he was also pretty blasé about the whole thing. He wasn’t at all interested in what happened to his attackers, and I wasn’t exactly sure how to deal with his lackadaisical approach to his own imminent mortality.
Initially, I wanted them to go for attempted murder, but that was a confusing concept for the locals. The best case was qualifying it as assault, but even that was challenging, since no one besides me or Timurlan were willing to acknowledge the kobolds were anything more than animals. I got plenty of dark looks from my constituents when they found out I wouldn’t allow anyone to ‘harvest’ Vreggork. Good thing he was coming with me.
Vreggork and Skeld mainly hung out in the armory while I yelled at Nikolai, and in turn got yelled at by Nikolai. Then, because nothing was being solved, I went to the infirmary and spoke to the soldiers I had injured. I apologized to them, letting them know that what they had done was wrong, but I was also wrong in how I went about dealing with them.
They were confused, not expecting their lord and commander to admit mistakes.
Which then got reported to Nikolai, which meant I got another round of lectures about how nobility was expected to act. Nikolai did his damndest to pound what I considered archaic notions of public perception into me, but I wasn’t having it. I did a little misdirection, and ended up in the blacksmith’s workshop. Zoey, our head blacksmith, looked at me like I was disgusting.
”What are you covered in?” She asked.
“Kohemoth blood,” I said, leaving out the other things that were probably all over me.
”You stink. Which is saying something coming from a blacksmith who’s burned out her sense of smell by working around fire twelve hours a day seven days a week.”
”A shower is on my to do list.”
”Maybe bump that up to the top.”
”Am I that gross?”
”You have pieces of… creature in your beard.”
I combed my beard out with my hands. Sure enough, I came out with a bit of something, or someone, on a finger. Probably happened when the kohemoth jammed his brethren. Again, not something worth reporting to Zoey.
“And what are you wearing?”
“Armor?”
She walked over to me and looked at the half-plate I had on. It was basically just a breastplate. With some gnarly dents in it, but still. I thought it was mostly passable.
“Do you ever check your stats on your gear?” She asked, running a hand over the iron.
“Sometimes when I pick it up. Why?”
”This armor is ready to fall apart.”
With that, she whacked me in the side with a hammer, and there was a sharp clang as the armor fell off me and dropped to the ground.
“NARFIN!” She yelled out.
/>
A young dwarf girl came running over.
“Smelt that,” the blacksmith said.
The dwarf girl, Narfin I suppose, grabbed both sides of the breastplate and ran off with it.
“I took an apprentice,” the blacksmith explained. “Now, let me take a few measurements. You go take a shower, and when you come back, I’ll have something sized for you.”
”That fast?”
”I mean, it will have to be a long shower to get that bit of intestine out your hair.”
Ew.
She pushed me out of the smithy, using a broom so she wouldn’t have to touch me herself.
I ignored everyone else, and headed all the way up to my room, where I peeled off my clothes and left them in a foul smelling pile. Which I then took and set outside, since it was stinking up the bathroom. I frowned. I was tired of being gross. I needed that to change.
The massive assault of cold water in the shower did an amazing job getting everything off my body. I had the feeling that spending too long under the deluge would lead to a whole-body exfoliation. And I really wanted some sort of hot water system installed, but that really seemed like a luxury I didn’t have the right to ask for. Not yet.
I got out of the shower and shivered for a moment before drying off with rough towels. I wondered if inventing fabric softener might be possible before getting dressed.
Minor challenge, I was down to my last set of clothes. A raggedy shirt that was stretched to its limit, and some pants that made me look like the Vegas-stripper version of Vince Neil. Sure, they might have been magic pants blessed by a god, but they were still tight as fuck and made of leather. Not exactly the look I was going for.
As I stood there, contemplating doing a classic 80s air-guitar flying kick, I heard a knock on my door.
And because apparently no one bothers to wait for me to say anything, the door opened.
Nikolai walked in, and stood there, hands on his hips. A moment later, a man I didn’t recognize stepped in, followed by a limping and bandaged Wian.
“Wian,” I said, arms out, “you’ve looked better.”
I gave him a gentle hug.
“You look ridiculous,” Nikolai said.
“I know,” I replied. “But it’s what I have. What are you barging in for?”
“You seem to be avoiding dealing with the problem you made.”
“The problem I made? Someone assaults another member of the holding and it’s my problem?”
“You know what I mean.”
“I don’t, Nikolai.”
Nikolai shook his head.
“Your grace,” the new guy said, “there are some problems we have encountered with the kobolds, and—”
“They’ve been here for, what, an afternoon? And they’re just sitting out on the lawn. What the fuck’s the problem? They’re impeding the grass growth? And, sorry, but who the heck are you?”
Nikolai grimaced at me.
Wian just smiled, seeming like he was enjoying the mess. It made a certain amount of sense — it wasn’t his men who’d been caught trying to skin the snowbold.
“Loyd Fergusson. I am the current ranking officer of your Legion.”
“Loyd, I apologize for not recognizing you. It’s been a day and I’ve had a few head injuries.”
“Quite all right, your grace. But—”
“Not done, Loyd. I think we’ve got a bit of an issue here.”
“Which is why we are trying to talk to you, Duke Coggeshall,” Nikolai interrupted.
“Let’s all of us come in. Y’all can sit on the bed if you like, and maybe someone can talk to someone about getting actual furniture in here.”
They all came further into the bedroom, or my chambers as it were, and I shut the door. When I turned around, no one had taken me up the offer to sit on the bed except for Wian. Who was laying down flat on it.
“Incredible comfort,” Wian said.
“Let me see if I can get you one,” I replied. “Now, gents, I notice that Nathalie isn’t here. Is there some reason for that?”
The men all looked at each other.
“In fact, it seems that most of the council members aren’t present.”
“This is a military matter,” Nikolai said.
“It is a Legion matter,” Loyd said at the same time.
“There’s the first problem,” I said. “The Legion doesn’t exist here. If you want to be in the Legion, I’m pretty sure you need to head back to the capital city and rejoin, right?”
“But—” Loyd started, but I held up my hand to indicate I was still talking.
“Nathalie is in charge of something here, right?” I asked Nikolai.
“Yes, she is, but—”
“And Wian is in charge of something else military-related, right?”
“Yes.”
“In fact,” I said, pacing back and forth, “I seem to remember saying something to you about having Wian in charge of the military.”
“I remember that,” Wian said, putting his arm straight up.
“So why is there still someone in my bedroom saying this is a Legion issue?”
I was met with silence. Mostly silence. Wian was chuckling.
“Perhaps you want to call it a Coggeshall issue,” I continued.
“It is an issue that needs a resolution,” Nikolai said. “And you need to make a decision.”
“About the attackers?”
“Yes.”
“How about we skin them, make some coats?”
Loyd choked.
Nikolai frowned. “Duke Coggeshall,” he said, “I appreciate you are making a point, but it is not a wise move to taunt your own people like this.”
Leave it to Nikolai to call my bluff.
“Okay,” I said, “no skinning then. How about exile? What normally happens?”
“When someone attacks and kills a kobold? Usually a bounty is paid out.”
“Come on,” I said.
“Kobolds are not people,” Loyd yelled out suddenly, as if he couldn’t contain it any longer.
“They are here, fuckface,” I snapped back. “I might be willing to let this slide to a lesser sort of punishment, but there will be punishment. And none of this shit flies in the future. Understand?”
Nikolai nodded. Then he jabbed Loyd in the side, and Loyd nodded.
“Great,” I said with a clap of my hands and a forced smile. “Whatever the most foul job in the place is, that’s what they get to do for the next month.”
“Yes, my lord duke,” Nikolai said.
“And Wian,” I said.
He looked up from the bed.
“I’m putting you in charge of getting the Legion boys and girls integrated with the Thingmen boys and girls, making it one big happy family. Then, work with Nathalie to get everybody together in the the Coggeshall Guard. We don’t need an army to go forth and conquer — we need soldiers to protect everyone. And check with Baltu, might be some kobold warriors we can recruit.”
Wian gave me a thumbs up, then dropped his head back down on the bed with a thump.
Cool Beans, you’ve learned the skill Politicking. Get people who don’t like you to do things you want and people who do like you to do things they don’t want!
“Hey, a skill,” I said. “What a pantload.”
I patted Nikolai on the shoulder, and I walked out of the room.
Chapter Twenty-One
I’m sure there were more things to do in the city. Something that Nikolai made abundantly clear when he chased after me and said:
“There is more to do here.”
“Nikolai,” I said, taking longer strides so the shorter man had to hurry his walk to match mine, “you are the one dealing with those things. I am the one dealing with this genocidal quest. You have your skills, and I have mine, and yet we are each doing something we suck at. So, let’s just do those things and then come back together and talk about what we should have done to not end up in the mess that’s surely right around the corner.
Now please say, ‘don’t call me Shirley.’”
“Don’t call me Shirley?”
“Meh, shouldn’t’ve been a question. You didn’t sell it.”
“I fear you have lost me, your grace.”
“Well, that makes two of us. I need to get back to the quest. Is there anything I absolutely have to do before I go?”
“If you wish to continue on with this madness of making citizens out of kobolds, then you need to accept their swears of loyalty.”
I stopped walking, snapped my fingers, and pointed at Nikolai.
“First smart thing I’ve heard all day,” I said.
“I detest your newfound confidence.”
“It’s surprised me too. Now let’s go swear some folks in.”
“Before we do that,” he started.
“Not again,” I said. “I’m tired of hearing this kobolds aren’t people bullshit.”
“I wasn’t saying that. I was giving you something. You want to make this mistake, it will be on you.”
“What if it works? What if the kobolds are the best little dudes to ever come into this city?”
“That will be the battenti.”
“How do they feel about the kobolds?”
“Have you bothered to ask them? Have you bothered to ask anyone?”
“No, because I keep hearing the same nonsense from everyone.
“Did you ever think that if everyone is telling you the same nonsense, perhaps you are the idiot for not listening?”
“Sure, all the time. But sometimes people are wrong because they’ve never stopped to think about what they’re saying. It’s incredibly easy to hate someone because they’re different.”
“They are different. They are kobolds. They have a fundamentally different society and—”
“Then let’s consider this a social experiment. Is there some way to give them, like, a provisional town membership? Will that make you feel better?”
“How I feel is irrelevant. It is how the others in this city feel that should concern you.”
“I’m the duke. I’m in charge. I’ve been listening to all of you, and from what I understand, other than the Emperor, I shouldn’t give a flying fuck what anyone thinks or feels. That said, I do care about you, so I care about your feelings on this matter. And all matters.”
