CHAPTER TWENTY SIX
Dad dragged me out of bed the next morning by my feet. It was just as well I didn’t sleep naked.
“Hey,” I shrieked. “Stop it.”
“Time to get ready,” he said.
“I’m not going.” I crawled back into bed, pulling the blanket with me.
“You are and that is final,” he said. “Be in the truck in ten minutes.”
“Ten minutes,” I cried. “But I haven’t even had breakfast.”
“Whose fault is that?” he said as he left the room. “There are granola bars on the kitchen table. Grab one of those if you’re hungry. Or go without. Your choice.”
For a moment I just sat there, wondering if he would actually drag me out to the truck in my pajamas. Knowing my father, he would. He knew that I’d been hurt. Not physically but mentally. There was only one way to get over that. Get back on the horse. And refusing to ride in front of Duncan and Jess and my friends was certainly a good way to guilt trip me into it. I just didn’t know if I’d be able to or not. I wanted to ride. It was my life. And I knew all about accidents happening and the fact that you just had to get on with your life and not worry about when it might happen to you but just thinking about getting up in the saddle made my palms sweat. I wanted to do it. I just wasn’t sure if I could do it.
Bluebird was already loaded up in the trailer when I went outside. He saw me through the window and nickered.
“Hello boy,” I said, jumping up on the tire so that I could reach in and stroke his face.
He looked so happy and excited. He’d been bored out of his mind and now he thought he was going to get ridden. I couldn’t blame him. I had on my breeches and a clean shirt. I looked presentable. It was my insides that weren’t. They churned around like a washing machine and I kept feeling like I was going to throw up. I told myself that no one could physically force me into the saddle and if I got there and I didn’t feel up to riding then no one was going to guilt trip me into it. Not even Jess. But the thought of her stares and her sneers, the giggles behind my back and the fact that she’d tell all her friends that I’d lost my nerve was enough to make me get in the truck.
“You ready?” Dad said cheerily.
“What do you think?” I replied sullenly.
“Come on,” Dad said as he turned the key and the truck rumbled to life. “It’s not that bad. Do you know how many girls would give their right arm to live the life that you lead?”
I’d thought the same about Judy. How I would have given anything to have her fancy horse and ride with Walter and hack over to the rated shows all the time, picking up ribbons and cups and rubbing elbows with the elite of the sport. But that dream had been tainted now and I didn’t know if I’d ever feel the same way about showing again.
CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN
Duncan’s farm was small and cheery. Before we’d met up at a bigger farm but this was his own, private farm. There were horses grazing in the fields and a medium sized barn with a horse weather vane perched on the top of the steeple. It was neat and clean and there was a groom going past with a wheelbarrow who waved and directed us over to the side of the barn where there was parking for trailers.
Jess’s big rig was already there, a trailer that you could basically live in and haul all your horses. It was a bit unnecessary for the short journey from her farm to here but that was Jess. Why arrive in a small trailer when you could show the whole world that you could afford the big one?
There were butterflies in my stomach as I let down the ramp and unloaded Bluebird, who was so happy that I was actually doing something with him that he almost stepped on my foot.
“Careful,” I told him as he nudged me with his head.
He was being so cute and sweet. How on earth could I be scared to ride him? But it wasn’t that I was scared for myself. I was scared for him. Scared that a fall would end his career. Would hurt him or kill him and that was what I couldn’t live with and it was what no one seemed to understand.
“I’ll see you later then,” Dad said as he dumped my stuff at the entrance to the barn.
“Wait, what? You’re not staying?” I said.
“There are things to do back on the farm,” he replied. “Jordan and I are finishing up that field for Sunny. You know she can’t stay in those panels forever and maybe we can turn Phoenix and Bandit out with her as well, if they all get along.”
“Right,” I said, feeling my palms start to sweat again.
“Besides, you’re going to be here all day anyway,” he added.
“All day?” I said, now feeling faint.
“Cat packed you a lunch, it's in with your stuff. I can’t vouch for it being any good but I expect it's better than anything I would have made you.” He opened the door to the truck and turned to smile at me encouragingly. “I’ll see you later.”
I don’t know what he was smiling about. I got the unrelenting urge to punch him in the face.
CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT
Rose and Andy enveloped me in a giant bear hug.
“We missed you,” Andy said.
“Are you okay?” Rose asked.
“Of course she is okay,” Andy said. “She knows that stuff like that goes with the sport. You just get back on the horse, right?”
I nodded. I couldn’t find the words to tell them that of course I hadn’t been able to get back on Grace and since then I hadn’t been able to ride at all. It made me feel like a failure.
“You are okay though, right?” Rose asked as Andy walked off.
“I don’t know,” I replied.
I busied myself with putting Bluebird in his stall and taking off his shipping boots. He was so happy to have my attention back that he kept rubbing his face on me and nudging my pockets for treats. I gave him one and stood there hugging his neck. Maybe it would be okay if I just rode him around on the flat for a bit. I didn’t have to jump if I didn’t want to. Surely Duncan wouldn’t make me. I thought about the girl in the bathroom, throwing up before her class at Walter’s farm, Lexi. Back then I’d thought she’d been ridiculous. If you were that afraid to ride why even bother but now I couldn’t help wondering if something bad had happened to her too and I wished that I’d taken the time to ask her if she was okay. To be her friend without judging her.
“Well look who it is,” Jess said as she stopped outside the stall. “I heard you gave up riding. Couldn’t hack it or something. Killed a horse, didn’t you?”
“Shut up Jess,” I snapped.
It was the first time I’d stood up to her in a long time and I had to admit that it felt good, even if it did feel like I was lowering myself to her level.
“So you do have a backbone after all,” she said, nodding. “I’m impressed but not as impressed as I’ll be if you actually make it into the saddle today.”
She strode off before I could say anything else, which was just as well. I didn’t want to fight. I didn’t want to do anything. I just stood there and buried my face in my pony’s sweet smelling mane, wondering when life had suddenly got so hard.
I still had my arms wrapped around my pony’s neck when Duncan came into the stall. Was my hugging time not even private anymore? I pulled away from Bluebird, who actually looked pretty relieved that I’d released him so that he could eat some hay like a normal pony. After all, he wasn’t a stuffed toy.
“Are you okay?” he said.
His hair was shorter and there was stubble on his chin. I wasn’t sure if it was because he hadn’t had time to shave or if it was some new look that he was going for but as usual the rest of him was professional in his tan breeches, tall boots and a crisp white shirt. I really had no idea how so many people managed to wear white at the barn and not get completely filthy like I did. And I wanted to yell at him that people needed to stop asking me if I was okay because wasn't it obvious that I wasn't?
“No,” I said, not really thinking that it was a good idea to lie to the man who was going to hold my fate in his hands today. “I’m
not okay and I’m kind of sick of people asking me that or assuming that I am either fine or completely falling apart.”
“And so which one are you?” he asked gently.
“I think I’m somewhere in the middle,” I said after a pause.
“Makes sense.” He nodded. “You know, I lost a horse in competition once too.”
“You did?” I said, suddenly not caring about anything except the next words that were going to come out of Duncan’s mouth.
“Everyone’s had horses get injured on course,” he said. “You think you’re the first?”
I shook my head. I knew that I wasn’t.
“Horses get hurt,” Duncan carried on. “We try and prevent it. We take every precaution. We train them up so that they are fit and able to do the job, we put on boots and wraps. We tend to their ligaments and their tendons but sometimes horses break down and sometimes bad things happen to them. You can’t control everything and you’ll kill yourself trying.”
“What happened to your horse?” I asked him.
I wouldn’t have but he brought it up so I figured he was okay to talk about it and besides, I needed to know that I was not alone.
“We were competing at Hickstead,” he said.
“In England?” I interrupted him. “Cool.”
“Yes, it was pretty amazing,” he said. “Black Tie Affair was a seasoned jumper but I’d taken him over there to get some European experience under his belt. Their courses are different. Harder. But he was doing really well. We picked up some ribbons and then it was the big class, the derby.”
“The one with that huge bank?” I said.
I’d seen the videos, horses sliding down the green grass on their haunches as sections of it fell with them like a landslide. It used to be steeper, taller, harder but they’d toned it down in recent years. It was still hard though and you had to jump a skinny white plank fence at the bottom. A lot of horses slid right through it or tumbled down the bank. It was dangerous. The old me would have imagined how exciting it would be. The new me just wanted to puke.
“Was it the bank?” I said. “Did you crash?”
I could hardly get the words out, the image of a horse tumbling to the ground now Grace instead of Duncan’s horse.
“No.” He shook his head. “He tackled the bank like a champ, popped over the vertical and we were well on our way to the finish when he just crumpled beneath me. He threw me clear but I still managed to crack a rib.”
“What happened to him?” I said.
“Dropped dead,” Duncan said sadly. “The necropsy said it was a brain aneurysm. Nothing anyone could have done.” He shook his head. “He was a damn fine horse too. It was a shame to lose him that way but he went out doing what he loved. That horse would have jumped the moon for me.” He paused. “Your pony is like that too you know.”
“I know,” I whispered. “And that’s why I can’t ride him. I don’t want to be the one who breaks him.”
CHAPTER TWENTY NINE
I tacked Bluebird up with trembling hands. Duncan said that I didn’t have to ride if I didn’t want to and I loved him for his compassion, though I was sure it wasn’t quite what my father had been hoping for. He was thinking that bringing me here would force me back into the saddle and no one could do that but myself. Andy and Rose were talking and laughing as they tacked up their own horses, excited to ride like I would have been. Like I should have been. I didn’t like this new me. It wasn’t who I was or who I wanted to be. So something bad had happened. That didn’t mean that it was going to happen again or that something else bad would.
Over in the last stall Jess was quiet. She’d brought the chestnut mare this time, the one I’d seen her jumping in her ring. They’d done well together, until her father had shown up and tried to give her some pointers but he wasn’t here today just like my father wasn’t. Her groom had brought her, a guy, not someone that I’d seen before. I expected that Jess and her family had a revolving door of employees. Who would want to stay and work for people who yelled at you all the time and blamed you for everything? It couldn’t be a very nice working environment but sometimes, just to get a foot in the door of the elite world of horses, you had to work for people that you didn’t like.
I took Bluebird out into the bright sunshine. It was a beautiful day but it was going to be hot later. Andy and Rose were already up in their saddles. Jess was fussing about with her mare, checking the girth and straightening the saddle pad. She looked nervous too. I didn’t know why.
I’d been able to tack up my pony. I thought that was a pretty good step in the right direction since I hadn’t even been able to get the saddle on his back before but now I was expected to ride him. I wasn’t ready for that.
“Chicken?” Jess called over.
“No,” I called back. “Are you?”
“That’s enough girls,” Duncan said as he strode towards the ring.
Jess stuck her tongue out behind his back and then swung up into the saddle. Her mare stood there quietly. I liked her. She reminded me of Sunny. I gathered my reins, my hands sweating buckets inside my gloves. Faith wouldn’t have been scared. She would have already been riding again and I knew now that I should have got right back to it as well. I should have ridden that night or the next day or even at the show.
If Walter had been a decent trainer, he would have found another horse for me to ride. Made me go back in the ring and jump the same course that Grace had crashed on so that I knew that I could. So that I knew that it was just an accident after all and that it wasn’t my fault. Instead Walter had left me and my father had whisked me away, probably worried about the possibility of a law suit. And now I was the one stuck battling my demons one day at a time.
“Whenever you are ready, Emily,” Duncan said as he watched me fight myself.
I nodded, appreciating the sentiment but really what I wanted was someone to force me into the saddle and make me ride so that the doubts and fears would go away.
CHAPTER THIRTY
In the end it was Jess who forced me up into the saddle. Her glares and the smirk that she had on her face. She thought I was weak. That I was a baby. Well I wasn’t about to let her think that. She could think everything else horrible about me but I couldn’t live with myself if I let her see that I’d lost my nerve, my edge, the only thing I had going for me. I swung up into the saddle and Bluebird gave a soft sigh like he’d been waiting for this moment forever.
“Join the group,” Duncan said with a small smile. “Working walk please.”
I tucked my pony in behind Jess and her chestnut. The mare walked with a sort of swing and Jess sat tall and stiff. I knew that if I could see her face, it wouldn’t be happy. She’d wanted me to fail but that desire was what had helped me in the end. But just because I was up in the saddle, walking my pony around, didn’t mean that I wasn’t trembling with fear inside. And if Duncan asked us to jump? I wasn’t sure I’d be able to.
But Duncan seemed to know that I needed to be treated with kid gloves and the rest of the group were so sloppy on the flat that it almost didn’t even seem like he was doing it for me when he announced that we wouldn’t be jumping that morning.
“This is because of her, isn’t it,” Jess said, glaring at me. “Because she lost her nerve.”
“It’s because none of you can sit the trot for more than two strides,” he said. “And flatwork is the foundation for everything that happens on course. We’ll be jumping this afternoon so you’ll have a chance to fall off then.”
Andy snickered and Jess turned red. It wasn’t that long ago that she’d been the one falling flat on her face at a show. But then again she hadn’t harmed a horse. I was the one who’d done that. I felt my own face grow red and concentrated on the buckle of my reins. I couldn’t look at the others. They probably knew more about the accident than I did.
Duncan had said bad things happened but you just had to pick yourself up and dust yourself off. But I knew that there was another option and it wa
s giving up. Deciding not to ride or compete or have horses in my life and I knew now, as Bluebird turned his head and nudged my boot with his nose, that I could never do that. I’d have to take the heartache with the glory and maybe it would all even out in the end.
“And let's have a working trot now,” Duncan called out. “Sitting please and no bouncing.”
I closed my legs around my pony’s sides and as he started to trot, I couldn’t help but smile.
CHAPTER THIRTY ONE
The morning lesson went well. I didn’t fall off and I didn’t do anything stupid. Duncan had us work at the walk and trot, mostly without stirrups, which I was used to but which led to Jess complaining loudly.
“All good riders work without stirrups,” Duncan told her. “Even at the top level.”
“Well I just don’t see the point,” she moaned as she bounced around.
Her mare had a very springy trot, which didn’t help. Bluebird had a nice easy trot and so I was able to sit it quite comfortably and I was used to riding him bareback anyway so I didn’t exactly need to learn how to go with him.
As we trotted around the ring I tried not to think of Grace. Every now and then she would pop into my head and I couldn’t stop it from happening. That was when I would lose my focus. I’d find it hard to catch my breath or suddenly find my hands shaking but my pony was a saint. I should have known that he would take care of me. He was my rock in a world that was unpredictable and scary and when Duncan told us to canter, his swinging stride was like coming home again and I couldn’t believe that I’d ever thought about giving up riding for even one second.
“Alright everyone, that will do,” Duncan finally said. “Let's not wear your horses out too much. There will be jumping later and lots of it.”
Lead Change (Show Jumping Dreams ~ Book 29) Page 6
