by Clint Stoker
“Purgers eliminate guilt, but they aren’t told much about it. You investigate names of guilty people, but you don’t know where the information comes from. You shoot whoever is guilty because it’s your job. Purgers can’t be blamed for the murders because they aren’t the ones making the decisions. The Founder makes it even tighter by loading only one gun. It’s a gimmick, an illusion to help you not feel guilty. The Founder designed the entire city this way. So no one would be responsible for poor choices. His solution to eliminate guilt was to eliminate responsibility. The problem is you cannot eliminate guilt. He simply made the entire city share the guilt equally.
“The city might be a democracy, but even voting holds no real power. The media and the celebrities direct the votes. And popular opinion can only change empty issues like what we should wear to celebrations.” Fields seemed well-rehearsed. He was comfortable on a soap box.
Air looked around the conference room. The others seemed enthralled in Air’s every reaction.
Fields lifted a small film case from the box and handed it to Elena while Air digested the information.
“I think you understand the founding. This is another film that might strike memories in you. This video shows some of the histories.”
Elena played the video. It documented the collapse of a nation and the rise of anarchy. Scientific achievements to prolong life were cited as the cause of the wars. Air sunk into his chair as he watched the painful images of war. Images displayed in his mind and he felt sure he had seen the war before. His heart dropped into his stomach and he turned away.
“Turn it off,” said Air, “I’ve seen enough.”
The film had more answers. Air would even make an appearance himself later, but Elena turned it off without any hesitation. She didn’t want to see anyone hurt over bad memories.
“You remember?” Fields treaded carefully into the discussion.
Air kept quiet.
“What do you think, Air?”
“Why did you change my career and force me to remember?”
“You were an important person during all this, Air. You were a revolutionist.” Fields seemed surprised that Air wasn’t enthused.
“I don’t remember doing anything important or good. All I remember is death. You can’t expect me to want to go back to that.”
“You led a rebellion against the Founder,” said Fields, “You saw a flaw in the city and you refused to join.”
“But I’m here, aren’t I? I’ve been a resident for as long as I can naturally remember.”
“Something must have changed your mind.”
“What?”
“We’ve been hoping you could tell us. It is a memory locked inside your head.”
“I thought you had the answers.”
“The city is designed to make you forget.” Fields maneuvered. “You have only been assigned to be a follower in the city. You spent your time in here doing mundane tasks like office work. All experiences you have had in the city are so far removed from your previous life that you are not reminded of it. Your mind has been actively awake for such long periods of time that old memories fade and disappear. You were a leader before you joined the city. Now, the city ensures you never lead again. You made hard decisions before the city. Lives depended on your choices. Now, death is made invisible to you.”
“So you transferred me.”
“Yes. We’ve used this method several times.”
“You should have just left me alone.” Air’s chest swelled with anger. He shouldn’t have come.
“We did it to help you.”
“It didn’t work. You made me kill a man.”
“It was the only way to help you recognize the guilt.”
“I don’t feel guilty anymore. I didn’t have a choice. You sent me to kill that man. You killed him.”
“I’m so sorry…” Fields started.
Anna-Desi jumped in. “Don’t be stubborn, Air. Fields is trying to help you, and here you are throwing it back in his face.”
“Sedating me against my will isn’t helping!”
“Yes.” Fields eased into his seat, ready to defend his actions. “Sleep allows the mind to remind us of much larger memories. Now that you understand this much, I won’t force sleep upon you again. You can choose to sleep when you want.”
“Or you can choose not to sleep for now,” said Anna-Desi.
“Of course, you might not be ready to sleep again, but I can promise you it is helpful,” said Fields.
All eyes lingered, with anticipation, on Air. It was almost like a sport. They waited on the cusp of applause. All they needed was for Air to agree.
Air was getting tired of all the gawking. “Anna-Desi told me you wanted me to make a choice. Besides sleeping, what exactly do you want me to do?”
“I want you to make the same choice I’ve already made.” Fields touched his own withered face.
“You want me to age?” Air was startled by a soft cry echoing though the library.
“She’s awake,” Elena whispered.
“What is that?” Air said, confused.
A little girl stepped around a corner dragging a small blanket with tears in her eyes. She was wearing a pail-pink sleeping gown. Messy, brown hair cascaded over her delicate face. Her cries stopped when she saw the group. Her face quivered as if she had just been subjected to a devastating experience. Elena scooped her up and whispered a sweet reply.
“What is that?” Air gasped.
“This is Eve, my daughter,” said Fields.
“You have a child?”
“Yes, don’t you remember children?”
“Only that they existed… once.” It was all too much, too fast. Air wasn’t ready to age or have children.
“You weren’t supposed to meet Eve just yet.” Fields reached into the cardboard box. He pulled out a small plastic container and slid it across the table to Air. “You won’t be able to sleep by yourself. These will help you.”
Air opened the container. Five small blue pills were scattered inside. He wondered how he must look. Desperate, maybe. He didn’t even know what Fields’ true intentions were. Air looked around the table at their faces. “Is this why you all meet together?” Air held up one pill.
“It’s only a step.” Anna-Desi pointed her index finger.
“So what’s your goal? What’s the point of all this?” Air looked around the room, willing to accept an answer from anyone.
“We want to understand and cope with guilt,” Fields stepped in. “Each of us will go about it in different ways. Some might need to take one action or another. We support any effort to cope. Ultimately, we are each working toward making one final decision…” Fields trailed off like he had said too much.
“And?”
“Go home early and take one.” Fields pointed to the box of pills.
“That’s it? What decision do you want me to make?”
“Sleep one more time and you will understand more.”
“You keep saying that, but I’m only more confused.”
“If you sleep tonight, you will understand the goal, the choice. Dreams and memories are far clearer the second time around.”
“Just tell me what the choice is.” Air was tired of being agreeable.
“I want you to choose to die.”
Chapter 9
“If your mother were still here, she would be proud of you, Air. You know that don’t you?”
“Thanks, Dad. I know.”
They sat on a porch swing together in a quiet neighborhood, desperate to hold on to the old suburban life. He couldn’t see his father’s face, but his callused hands were vividly clear. He was too old to be working so hard.
“I wish I could do more for your wedding…”
“You’ve done too much already.”
“Well, I wish I could do more.” A nasty cough ripped his throat like sand paper. When he achieved a normal breathing pattern, Air brought him a glass of water.
“Thank you, A
ir.”
“It’s no problem.”
“Yes it is. You haven’t been able to finish school because of me.”
“I’m just taking a break. Besides, I’d much rather hang out with you than listen to Professor Reed go on and on,” Air smiled.
“Promise me you’ll go back after…”
“As soon as you get better, I’ll finish school.” Air interrupted.
A long pause preceded the conversation they both knew needed to happen.
“I’m not going to get better, Air.”
“Sure you are. You just need to get some rest.”
“I’m dying, Air.”
Air rocked the wood slatted bench a little.
“I’m saving up money so you can have that procedure done.”
“I’m not going to let anyone do that to me.”
“Why not? It’s really not that expensive and there is no risk. It works.”
“I wouldn’t feel right about it. That’s all.” He sipped his glass to subdue another coughing fit. “I’m ready to die. I want to see your mother again.”
“I’m going to miss you.” Air hoped his father was right, but doubts made it impossible to be at ease.
“Life is short. This is my new philosophy. Live it in a way you can be proud of, then get out of the way so others can do the same.” He chuckled until a wrenching cough stole his voice. The gurgling attack faded and so did his father.
Air was somewhere else standing up to his waist in filthy water. It was ice-cold and impossible to see through to the bottom. He was in a cinder block basement with sparking electrical wires dangling from the ceiling. His heart pounded out-of-control as he sloshed toward a rickety staircase. A heavy gun slung over his shoulder.
“Air!” a woman screamed from the upper floor.
“I’m coming!” He panicked. They should have been safe for at least a few more hours.
“They’re coming, Air, hurry!”
He clamored up the stairs. The upper floor was slick and carpeted with mud. He raised his arms and spread his stance to steady himself. Each step made a sucking sound as he lifted his feet from the coated floor. He walked toward what used to be a large window. The upper half, and a section of the ceiling, were missing revealing a smoke filled sky. The time of day was impossible to discern.
“Out there, can you see them?” Hysterical sobs shook her as she sat in a corner hiding behind a turned-over sofa.
“Do you have the gun I gave you?”
“Yeah…” she held up a shaking hand with a pistol.
Air squatted behind the window so only half his face would be visible from the waterlogged road. He squinted to survey the war-torn landscape. The few houses that still stood were in shambles from the artillery barrage. Polluted rain-water flooded the streets. Three armored trucks trudged over a marshy hill a hundred and fifty yards away. He watched as they crept closer. A green flag with a black star was draped over the hood of one truck.
“Darling, it’s okay, look. It’s not another tribe. They’re from the city.”
He coaxed her to crawl to the window to see for herself. She wiped her tears away and clung to Air. After a quick glance, she ducked behind him.
“Let’s go before they find us,” her whisper was almost inaudible.
“We could go with them.”
“They’re bad people. Let’s go.”
“We can’t keep running. The tribe’s people will find us sooner or later. We can’t escape this.”
“You fought the city. Do you really think they will just welcome you? You said we could hide until we found some place safe.”
“I know… but there isn’t any safe place that is going to stay safe except for the city. I just hate seeing you like this. They have been accepting everyone. I’m sure they’ll accept us too.” Air only believed half of what he said. At least they would accept her.
“I hate living like this, but I would rather live like this for the rest of my life than go to that city…”
It was an argument Air couldn’t win. He braced himself for another long night. “Alright. We’d better start running then.”
“Thank you.” She cheered up though it was hard to tell through the accumulated grime.
They climbed down a make-shift ladder on the back side of the building. Her leg was injured, so he made a point to carry her down slow. The pain was excruciating but she could handle it well enough. It was the fear that really tormented her. The unknown. They reached the bottom and he made her straddle an orange life preserver so he could push her through a maze of shattered buildings. An hour passed in eerie silence except for the sloshing. Air stopped often to push rubbish aside so they could inch farther. They had only moved a quarter of a mile but they had to hide if they wanted to stay undetected. He found an aluminum shed that stood undamaged on a hill. Inside, stagnant water rested an inch deep. She had fallen asleep, so he made a platform from a board and a scum saturated mattress. He laid her directly on it, since she couldn’t get any wetter, and covered her with a torn tarp and closed her inside.
Within minutes, the light faded as he searched the swampy neighborhood for something to feed her. He found a can of peas and a bottle of fruit juice. He could hear the hissing and crackling voices from a bullhorn. The city residents were still looking for survivors. Air thought about waving them down so he could save her, but he knew she would never forgive him if he did. Exhausted, he trudged back to the shed. As he got closer she screamed.
“Get away from me!” She shouted from the distance a head.
Air dropped his forage and galloped through the water.
“I’m coming! I’m coming!” He yelled as loud as his hoarse voice could.
“The tribesmen are here!” She shrieked.
Three gunshots illuminated the shed like a strobe light. A silhouette of a man fell back and splashed into the water. Voices scrambled and he could hear her crying for help, her voice constricted with fear. Air swung his machine gun up to his cheek and started firing into the blackened night. There was a chance the men were unarmed, but a few men returned shots, dashed his hopes. He reached the entrance to the shed, and the tribesmen scattered like roaches from a light. They dove over one another and ducked under the next dozen rounds Air fired overhead. He fought to see that she was alright, but the ground disappeared beneath him. He called for her but no one answered.
Air shouted out loud from under his covers. His shirt was soaked in sweat. He was in his apartment. The small container of sleeping pills sat on his night stand. He sat up and wiped the crook of his arm over his face. Furious – like he was still out there, treading through his past. A bitter hatred filled his lungs. He screamed it all out like an unquenchable fire, but he didn’t know where to direct his rage. He didn’t know who to blame or hate. Instead, he focused all of his efforts on making sure he would never have to watch someone he cared about die again.
Chapter 10
Air didn’t vote that morning. He cleaned up and left for work. The sky was colored a rich, vivid blue. It was just another lie, only this time it was fashioned by nature rather than the city. His heart grew more callused by each passing minute. The hardness returned with the memories. The transport ride seemed to pass without notice. What to do? He made a point to remind himself to act normal.
It was hard to act cool anytime Napal was around. He needed to know if Napal was on his side or not. Talking about memories wouldn’t do any good. He decided the best method was to play off of Napal’s rebellious attitude. If he could shake Napal enough, perhaps the momentum would help him understand.
A sick feeling came over Air as he walked into the cleaning center. It would always come. He couldn’t stand in the building without also thinking about death.
Napal was in the investigation room making jokes with Helix.
“Good morning.” Air smiled and pushed everything else away.
“How did your volunteer work go yesterday?” Napal seemed to be in a good mood.
�
�Volunteering was fine. Nothing special,” He said, “Who do we have on the docket today?”
Helix passed Air an olive green file. “This lady has been acting suspicious lately,” he said as he scooted a file across the table. Air immediately recognized her as Clair from the diner. Had Air caused this?
“I don’t think she is anything to worry about.” The day had just begun and he was already defending someone.
“Why is that?”
“She is one of the five, for the rebirth.”
“What does that have to do with anything?” Helix groaned.
“What kind of suspicious things has she been doing? Crying, complaining? It’s normal for a woman going through the rebirth process to act a little… off.”
“Is it?”
“Yeah, don’t tell me you didn’t know that. The news was doing a special on this the other day. It’s not guilt, it’s hormones.”
“I didn’t realize you were an expert on hormones.” Napal jabbed an elbow at Air.
“Whoever is collecting this information sure isn’t.” He could buy her some time, but it wouldn’t last long.
“Well, if you’re right about the hormones, we are going to have a lot of free-time today.” Helix complained but everyone knew he liked mulling around the cleaning center with nothing on his mind.
“Don’t say that.” Napal perked his head as though a realization hit him right in the face. “That means Dex is going to send us back down to work on the elevator. I’ve never met anyone with such terrible organization skills.”
“I thought it would be fixed by now,” said Air.
“It works fine if you want to go down to the purging basement. Now Dex wants it to work all the way down to the bottom. To the cleaning basement.”
“Why now?”
“It’s for the rebirth. Dex would rather fix it every rebirth than keep it in good condition.” Napal warmed up for another rant.
“Couldn’t they just use the purging basement for all the rebirth work too?”
“It doesn’t work that way.” Helix interrupted and smiled smugly. “The cleaning basement has another level of security. You have to be invited, by Dex, to go down there. You are going to need more experience as a purger in order to become a cleaner.”
