by Maya Banks
He deserved that. How many days had Mac lain here hovering between life and death while he’d been out drowning his sorrows and being an asshole? Kit had needed him more than ever, and he’d failed her miserably. Worse, he’d done it consciously. He’d run as far as he could after she lost the baby.
“I didn’t know,” he said quietly. “I only found out awhile ago.”
A tear rolled down her beautiful face.
“I can’t lose him,” she said. “Not after losing everything else. He’s all I have left.”
Ryder bent down and folded her into his arms. He stood her up and hugged her tightly. “You have me, Kit girl.”
She shook her head in denial. “You left. You left when I needed you. When I was hurting so bad I thought I’d die. You didn’t care. I don’t need you now. I need Mac.”
Ryder closed his eyes and willed himself not to cry like a damn sissy. He kept a tight hold on her, determined not to let her go.
“We need to talk, darlin’. I need to know what’s going on here. How Mac is. Then we can talk about us.”
She pulled back and looked at him, her eyes flashing in anger. “There is no us, Ryder. You left me at the hospital after I’d just lost our baby. No word, no nothing. Disappeared. I haven’t seen you since.”
He might have believed her, but her lips trembled and tears welled in her big green eyes. He reached out a hand to touch her cheek. “I’m here now, and I’m going to make sure you take care of yourself. How long’s it been since you ate last?”
She shook her head and turned away. “I’m not leaving him,” she said stubbornly.
He wrapped his arms around her shaking body and rested his chin on top of her head. “You’re coming down to eat with me if I have to carry you, Kit. I brought you some clothes and some toiletries,and I booked a hotel right down the street. You’re going to eat, shower and get some sleep.”
She went rigid in his arms. “I won’t leave him, Ryder. What if he wakes up and I’m not here? I don’t want him to be alone.”
Ryder turned her around to face him. “Do you think he wants you here tearing yourself apart? Do you think he wants you to fade away, become a shell of yourself because you were holding vigil by his bedside? Think, Kit girl. You need to be strong. You don’t know when he’ll wake up, and you have to pace yourself or you’re going to end up in a bed on another floor and you’ll both be alone.”
Her shoulders slumped in defeat. Her lips trembled and shook as more tears slid down her cheeks. He thumbed them away, soothing his hand over her face.
He led her away from the bed and out the door. They stopped by the nurse’s desk, and Ryder gave his cell number with instructions to call if there was any change in Mac’s condition. Then he turned her toward the elevator so they could go down and eat.
He piled a tray high with food for them both, paid for it and searched for a place to sit. Kit remained silent the entire time. When he pushed a plate of food toward her, she wrinkled her nose and poked a fork at it.
“Eat,” he commanded. “We’re not leaving here until you’ve eaten something decent.”
She blew out a weary breath and slumped in her chair. But she took a bite of the food. Then another. They ate in silence. He gazed often at her, but she kept her eyes downcast as she picked at her meal.
Finally she pushed the plate away and set down her fork. When she looked up at him, her eyes were swamped with emotion.
“Why did you leave?” she asked softly. “Were you so angry with me for losing the baby you couldn’t bear to be around me? Did you hate me for what happened?”
He dropped his fork with a clatter. “God no, Kit. How could you think such a thing?”
“How could I not?” she said simply. “While I was lying in a hospital bed feeling like my guts had been ripped out, you walked away.”
He closed his eyes. “I deserved that.” He opened his eyes and reached across the table to grip her hand. “Kit, I did what I thought was best for us all. My presence caused problems for you and Mac. You can’t deny that. When you lost the baby, well, I felt like I’d lost you as well. There was no longer a reason for me to be between you and Mac, so I walked away. I wanted you to be happy.”
Tears slid down her cheeks as she stared helplessly at him. “And I felt like I lost you,” she said. “Mac knows . . . he knows how I feel about you. It wasn’t an issue. He still loves me even knowing a part of my heart belongs to you.”
“You claim to love me after I ditched you when you were miscarrying?” he asked in disbelief.
She sucked in her breath. “As Mac told me, love doesn’t go away in five minutes. It’s bigger than that. I can’t stop feeling for you what I’ve felt half my life. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I feel betrayed. But I love you. And it makes me so goddamn angry that Mac is lying there in his hospital bed. I don’t know if he’s going to live or die, and all I can think about is I can’t survive it if both of you leave me!”
Something unraveled inside him. The knowledge that he could not possibly walk away from her, no matter what happened with Mac hit him solidly in the chest. He was tired of fighting it. Tired of feeling like a goddamn martyr. Kit needed him, and he’d be damned if he let her down again.
“I won’t leave you again, Kit. I know you have no cause to believe me. But I’ll be here. I don’t know in what capacity. We can work it out.”
“I need you both, and it’s tearing me apart,” she said, agony seeping into her voice. “Do you have any idea how guilty it makes me feel that I can’t just go on and be happy with Mac? Marry him, have a dozen babies and grow old together. I just know that if you aren’t here, if you aren’t somehow in that picture, I can never be completely happy.”
Ryder swallowed heavily. He didn’t know what to say. How could he spill his guts when his buddy lay next to death a floor away? What kind of bastard did it make him to confess his feelings to Kit, to move in on Mac’s territory when he wasn’t around?
He squeezed her hand again. “Kit, I swear to you, when Mac gets better we’ll work this thing out between us, okay? I’m not leaving you. I need you to believe that.”
She nodded slowly, so much fatigue swimming in her eyes it made his gut ache.
“Come on, darlin’. Let’s get you to the hotel so you can get some rest.”
He stood up and held his hand out to her. She slid her fingers into his and glanced up at him, her green eyes seeking.
“Will you hold me, Ryder? I just want you to hold me.”
“Yes, darlin’. I’ll hold you. All night long. I won’t let you go.”
CHAPTER 16
For days Kit and Ryder sat by Mac’s bedside. Ryder bullied her, prodded her, forced her away to eat and sleep, but he never left her. Not even once.
She spent her days talking to Mac, holding his hand, telling him how much she loved him. Her nights were spent sleeping in Ryder’s arms, trying to keep the nightmares at bay.
His breathing tube had been removed, a huge source of relief to her. Breathing on his own had to be a sign of improvement, right? But he remained stubbornly in a coma.
Two weeks after the night Mac had been shot, Ryder stood and held out a hand to Kit.
“You need to eat, darlin’. Let’s go down. We can come back in a bit.”
She wiped at her hair and face with her hand and let out her breath in a long discouraged sigh. She started to remove her hand from Mac’s when his fingers tightened around her palm.
She forgot about Ryder, about eating, about everything else but the fact Mac had just moved. She leaned forward excitedly.
“Mac, Mac! Can you hear me?” She turned to Ryder, her emotions rioting. “He moved, Ryder. He grabbed my hand!”
Not waiting for Ryder’s response, she edged closer to Mac, leaned over to brush her lips across his. “I’m here, Mac. Please come back to me. I love you so much.”
A soft moan escaped Mac’s lips.
“I’m getting the nurse,” Ryder said behind her.
&nb
sp; As she kissed Mac again, his eyes fluttered weakly and they opened the tiniest bit. She withdrew just enough that she could look him in the eye.
“Mac!” she cried softly. “Can you hear me?”
He opened his mouth as if trying to speak then frowned as nothing came out.
She put a finger to his lips. “Don’t try to speak. I’m here.”
Tears poured down her cheeks as she took both his hands in hers. “Squeeze my hands instead. Do you understand that?”
He tightened his grip on her hands. Her heart nearly burst out of her chest in her excitement.
“K-kiss me,” he rasped, his voice hoarse and shaky from nonuse.
“Oh Mac,” she breathed. She leaned over and kissed him tenderly, lovingly. Her tears splashed onto his face. “I thought I’d lost you.”
“N-never . . . lose . . . me,” he said with difficulty. “Never . . . leave you. Swear it.”
She cried harder.
Ryder came in with the nurse, who let out an exclamation of delight when she saw Mac was awake. She shooed Kit away from the bed and did a quick examination of him.
“I’ve already called his doctor in,” the nurse explained as she fiddled with the numerous IV lines and the wires to the heart monitor. “He should be here shortly.”
Kit stood away, her back cradled against Ryder’s chest, waiting anxiously for the nurse to finish. She wanted to be close to Mac, to reassure herself that he was okay.
When the nurse finally stepped back, Kit surged forward, taking Mac’s hand again. Slowly, a little shaky, he lifted his other hand to touch her face.
“Love . . . you,” he murmured.
“I love you too,” she choked out.
His gaze went beyond her, to something behind her. She turned around to see Ryder standing over her shoulder. Mac’s hand wavered as he took it away from her face. His face straining with the exertion it took, he balled his fingers into a fist and held it out to Ryder.
“Glad . . . you’re . . . here.”
Ryder stepped forward, mashing his fist to Mac’s. His eyes glittered suspiciously. “I wouldn’t be anywhere else, man. You scared us. Don’t ever pull that shit again.”
Mac grinned crookedly then let his arm fall with an exhausted sigh.
“Take . . . care of Kit.”
“I will, man. I promise. You just get your ass well so we can all get the hell out of here. I hate hospitals. You know that.”
Kit watched the two of them, her heart lighter with each passing second. Her relief threatened to overwhelm her. She felt faint and strong all at the same time. Her muscles ached and throbbed. She was smiling wider than she’d smiled in longer than she could remember.
Finally after so many weeks of pain and worry. First her miscarriage then Mac’s accident. Finally she felt free again. Happy.
“You okay, darlin’? You look a bit shaky,” Ryder said.
“I’m fine,” she said around the knot in her throat. “I’m perfect.” She smiled through her tears at him.
Ryder watched Kit sleeping in the small recliner across the hospital room. She was completely worn-out, but since Mac awakened, she’d refused to leave his side. So he’d brought her food and clothes so she could eat and change. She slept in the chair by the bed or in the chair she currently occupied.
Mac had made remarkable progress. He was still weak, but he’d shown steady improvement in the last week. If his progress continued, he’d be moved to a step-down unit in a few days.
“You need to take her ass out of here,” Mac reproached.
Ryder jerked around to see Mac awake.
“Hey, man, you’re looking better. You sure sound better,” Ryder commented.
Mac twisted his lips and grunted. “I still feel like I met with the front end of a speeding truck.”
Ryder nodded. “Well, you should. You met up with the front end of a speeding bullet.”
Mac grimaced. “Yeah. I remember.”
Mac’s gaze flitted over to Kit. Ryder saw the hunger in his eyes, the need for her.
“We need to talk, Ryder,” Mac said.
Ryder sighed. Damn, he wasn’t ready for this. “Yeah, I know we do.”
“You love her,” Mac said.
Ryder nodded. “Yeah. I love her.”
Mac didn’t react, but it was hardly news. He’d already told Mac as much.
“She loves you.”
Ryder sucked in his breath. He didn’t want to hurt Mac. No matter how much he loved Kit, he just couldn’t bring himself to hurt a man he’d called friend for most of his life. A man who was more a brother to him than any blood brother could have been.
Mac stared at him. “It’s okay, man. I know she loves you. She told me.”
Ryder bowed his head. “I’m sorry, Mac. You have no idea how damn sorry I am. I never meant to come between the two of you.”
Mac took a long breath then expelled it, the sound loud in the quiet room. “She loves both of us. She’d never betray me, Ryder. I know that. This is tearing her apart.”
“I know,” Ryder said quietly.
“We both love her. Always have. We’ve shared a close relationship, the three of us. There isn’t any reason we couldn’t continue it.”
Ryder’s head jerked up. He stared at Mac in shock. “What are you saying?”
Mac shifted, pain crossing his face. He looked wiped out, as if he’d exerted himself completely.
“Look, man, let’s talk about this another time,” Ryder began.
“No,” Mac said forcefully. “We need to talk about it now. Sort it out so that when she wakes up we can make her happy again.”
“Mac, what you’re suggesting . . . hell, I don’t even know what you’re suggesting.”
“Don’t you? We were all happy when the three of us were together. Kit was happy. The way I see it, we could continue that relationship. The three of us.”
Ryder opened his mouth then snapped it shut again. What Mac was suggesting . . . it was perhaps the most unselfish gesture he’d ever witnessed. And the most practical. For the first time, hope beat a steady rhythm in his mind.
Why couldn’t they continue as before? They’d done it for months. That period had been the best in his life. Only when they’d begun to splinter had things gone into the shitter.
He looked over at Kit. “What about her?” Ryder asked softly.
Mac stayed silent a long moment. “Obviously, it would be up to her, but I know I won’t be demanding she choose between us, and I don’t think that’s what you want either.”
Ryder shook his head. “It’s why I left before.”
Mac nodded. “I figured as much. Look, I’ve given it a lot of thought. Before I went and got myself shot. It was hell watching Kit those two weeks after she miscarried. She was so unhappy, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do. But we could.”
“I don’t know what to say, Mac. This is such a gift. A gift I could never expect to receive. I love Kit so damn much. I never wanted to let her go, but I didn’t want to hurt either of you.”
“And I love you,” Kit said softly.
Both men jerked their heads to see her laying there on the recliner, her beautiful eyes open and so full of love and joy.
She sat up, her hair sliding over her shoulders. Even as run-down as she was, Ryder had never seen such a beautiful sight.
She walked over to the bed, slipped her hand into Mac’s. “I love you, Mac. I never ever want to hurt you. My commitment is to you. I’ll honor it always.”
Mac smiled and put his fingers up to her mouth, tracing a line around her lips. “I know you do, baby. I also know you love Ryder. We both love you, and we can make this work. It won’t be easy for you, committing to us both. We both can be real pains in the ass, but we’ll love you and protect you, take care of you always.”
Tears shone in her eyes as she glanced sideways at Ryder. She looked to him, waiting for what he would say.
He reached for her arm, rubbing his fingers lightly up her
