by Mia Ford
“Shit,” Baldy said. “Maybe he was a little worse than I thought. You’re probably right. The guy was dangerous. Still, it’s a rough fucking break.”
I listened to the two of them for a little longer before making some bullshit excuse to get up and go. The plan to hang out in the Lounge until I came to a decision about Jess was gone. All I could think about was Fred. I was glad that he wasn't able to go out there and hurt people anymore, but now, I was also wrestling with the news that he'd been let go permanently.
Maybe I should have been sorry for my role in things, but I wasn't. Not at all. On the contrary, now I was pissed off. Fred had all the time in the world to go and get some help, and he'd done nothing. That was the kind of person I would never in my life understand.
Chapter 15: Jess
“God, this is so boring,” Emma groaned.
“Your dinner?” Sophie asked.
“Yeah, my dinner.”
“You’re telling me the dinner is boring?” Sophie asked, her eyes wide. “Who even says something like that?”
Sophie looked at me in disbelief, and I had to duck my head and put my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing out loud. I knew enough about ten-year-old girls to know that Emma wouldn't appreciate being laughed at. Still, it was a struggle I thought myself likely to lose for a couple of minutes.
It wasn't just Emma’s pronouncement that her bowl of spaghetti was too boring to eat, although that would have been enough. As she spoke, my daughter sat across from me, her chin resting in the palms of her hands forlornly. Her face was a perfect picture of childhood discontent, something all kids experienced as the end of summer approached. I knew this from my own childhood, but it would have been pointless to explain it to Emma. Children rarely enjoyed being told that what they were going through wasn't unique.
“Emma,” I said softly, once I was sure that I wasn’t going to lose myself to a fit of the giggles. “You know that isn’t very polite, right?”
"No," she said sulkily, her chin sinking even further down. "I don't. What's not polite about the truth?"
“Your aunt Sophie was nice enough to cook for you, so you shouldn’t complain. You know that dinner didn’t just appear out of nowhere, right? We aren’t living in a Disney movie.”
“I wish we were,” Emma said grouchily. “I bet things wouldn’t be so boring if we were.”
“Sure,” Sophie said brightly, digging into her own bowl of pasta happily. “Unless you’re in one of those Disney stories where you get yourself locked in a tower or put under a sleeping curse or something. I bet you’d be pretty freaking bored if either of those things happened.”
“Ugh, you know what I mean, Aunt Sophie. I can’t take it anymore! There’s like, nothing fun left to do in life!”
“Sweetie, what are you talking about?” I asked as gently as possible, trying not to piss her off and make her fly off the handle. “It’s only the first of July. How can there be nothing fun left? Especially in your whole life? There’s a lot of life left to live, Emma. It’s pretty early to give up on it all.”
"I'm not giving up,” she said. “I'm just bored!"
“So, then you’re ready to get back to school then, I suppose?”
“Yup!” she crowed happily. Sophie and I both dissolved into laughter after all. “I kind of am. I’ll get to see all of my friends, at least. And I sort of like school. There’s always something new to do, at least.”
"Seriously?" Sophie asked, her face registering genuine shock. "I don't see how that's possible. When your mom and I were young, we always wanted the summer to go on forever. Or at least, as close to forever as we could get. It's like we're not even the same species."
“You’re so silly.” Emma giggled, distracted enough to begin eating her dinner, despite it being the self-professed most boring food in the world. “And I bet part of why you weren’t bored was because you had boyfriends.”
“What?!” Sophie and I asked quickly and at the exact same time. “What does that even mean?”
“Boyfriends. You guys probably had boyfriends to hang out with you during the summer. That must make everything way more fun.”
"What on earth makes you think that?" I asked. My heart was thumping in my chest, and whether or not it was rational, I could feel the metallic taste of panic beginning to flood my mouth.
"If you have a boyfriend, you have somebody to always want to hang out with you,” Emma said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Plus, they like, do whatever you say and stuff. When they don't, you get to talk to your girlfriends about it. It makes it so there's always something to do. And even when you aren't actually doing anything, it makes it so that you have something to think about all the time. If I had a boyfriend, I bet this summer would be way, way better."
“Baby,” I reached across the table and took one of her little hands in my own. “I’m not sure it really works that way. In my experience, and I’m sure your Aunt Sophie’s as well, that’s not the way it goes.”
“Sure, it is,” Emma said. “That’s what it always looks like.”
“Looks like to who?” I asked. “Where?”
“In the movies and stuff. And with my friends.”
“You have friends who already have boyfriends?” Sophie asked, glancing over at me.
"Yup,” Emma said. “They don't like, do anything. Just maybe hold hands and stuff, and a whole lot of texts."
“That stuff can all be really great, but try to enjoy your life how it is now, too,” I said. “Sometimes, having a boyfriend can be really hard. It’s fun, but it can be hard also. There’s nothing wrong with being happy with how things are right now.”
“Is that why you don’t have a boyfriend, Mama? You think it’ll be too much work?”
Crap. Crap. I don't know why I hadn't seen the conversation going in this direction. Emma's question totally threw me off. To make matters worse, I could see that Sophie could tell that something was up with me. She didn't say anything, not yet, but that didn't mean much of anything.
Sophie was the most headstrong person I had ever known, and if there was something she wanted to know, she was going to know it. As I saw it, I now had two different options. I could keep quiet and wait for Sophie to pounce, grilling me into submission so that I spilled my guts everywhere. As options went, this didn't seem like a great one.
The second choice was that I just go ahead and tell Emma and Sophie about Drew. It was something I should have already done, seeing as the Fourth of July picnic was now only three days away. The longer I tried to put it off, the worse it was going to get, and I knew it. I took a deep breath, shut my eyes briefly, and then looked at Emma with what I hoped passed as a reasonable level of confidence.
“Actually, Emma, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.”
“Have you now?” Sophie asked with shock so fake it was sickening, “What a complete and utter surprise!”
“Yes, actually, I have. I’ve been meaning to talk to both of you.”
“About what, Mama? You’re acting funny. And your face is all red.”
"It's about the picnic. I want to bring somebody with me. I really hope that's okay with both of you, because I've actually already invited him. His name is Drew, and he's a pilot. We've flown together, which is how we met, but only once. Only once we've flown together, I mean. We've met more than once. Obviously, or else I wouldn't be inviting him, right? Anyway. I invited him. I hope you guys are cool with it, because I would rather not rescind the invitation."
Silence. Total and complete silence. Somewhere during the course of my speech, I had dropped my eyes down to my hands. Now that I was done talking, the idea of looking up at either one of them was borderline terrifying. I was so afraid that one or both of them would tell me they weren't okay with it at all. As much as I liked Drew, all it would take was one of these two telling me they didn't want him there, and I would call the whole thing off. I would have given him up completely, if that was what they had wanted.
/>
“Oh my God!” Emma said. “Are you kidding? No way! No freaking way!”
Emma broke the silence by jumping up from her chair and dancing around like a maniac. Her words gave way to excited little hollers, and after a second, Sophie got up and joined her. The two of them gripped hands and turned in joyful little circles, before collapsing back into their chairs, panting.
“Do you know what this means, big sister?” Sophie asked.
“No,” I answered cautiously, not liking the mischievous gleam in Sophie’s eyes. “I don’t think I do.”
"It means that now, I'll finally get some payback for all the times you grilled and embarrassed me in front of my dates! I never got to do that to you, but I totally will now. Oh man, Emma and I are going to have so much fun, thinking up all of the embarrassing things we're going to tell this dude. Forget a picnic for the Fourth. It's going to be like you're attending your own roast."
I sat silently, listening to Emma and Sophie exchange ideas for how they could best humiliate me in front of Drew. I did my best to stay calm, or at least to be something that resembled calm, but inside, I felt very close to outright panic. Ever since inviting Drew, I had been worrying about whether or not Emma and Sophie would even allow me to bring him. Now, there was a whole other set of possibilities I hadn’t even thought to worry about.
“Guys, come on,” I said. “Please stop it, okay? Please. I think I’m going to have a heart attack.”
“Aw, what’s the matter, big sis? Think we’re going to embarrass you?”
I frowned. “I don’t know, maybe. Sort of sounds like it.”
“Look, Jess, all joking aside, you can’t think like that. If you really like this guy and you think you can see it going somewhere, he’s going to have to get to know your family. He’s going to have to get to know us for who we really, truly are. What’s his name?”
“Drew. His name is Drew Larson.”
“Sure, whatever. My point is, that if Drew is put off by your family, he might not be the right guy for you. That’s probably something you’ll want to get to know, sooner rather than later. Or at least, that’s what I would want.”
“You’re right. Really, you are, but please don’t go out your way to make it harder. Deal?”
Sophie shrugged. “Maybe. We shall see, shan’t we?”
Sophie let loose a cackle of delight, and then she and Emma were on their feet again, dancing and whooping and hollering like this was the best thing ever. One thing was for sure, and that was that Emma wasn't bored anymore. That was great, except that now, I was terrified of the implications of what I had done. Bringing Drew to this picnic was more than a little get together. It was a crossroads, and I had no idea how it would wind up.
Chapter 16: Jess
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” Sophie asked. “I know you must be totally bummed out that Drew isn’t coming. I would be. If you want to call it early and just go home, we totally can. I know I would understand, and I’m sure that Emma would, too.”
“But Aunt Sophie!”
“Right, Emma?” Sophie asked Emma pointedly, giving her the look of death. “Because we both want your mom to be happy, right?”
“Right,” she answered glumly, looking far from convinced. “We can go. If you want to.”
I reached over and pulled Emma into a hug, kissing the top of her head until I heard her start to giggle. I could feel Sophie watching us, and I knew she was still concerned. She knew how excited I had been about Drew joining us for our annual July Fourth picnic. So when Drew called to cancel, she knew it was massive disappointment to me. She wasn’t wrong.
I was most definitely bummed out, and there had been a part of me that had wanted to cancel the whole day. Looking at Emma, though, I had known I couldn't do a thing like that. It wouldn't have been fair to cancel, based on my own disappointment. Just like it wouldn't be fair to call it and early night, now that we were here at the park.
This was a family tradition, on that had existed long before Drew came into the picture. And if things ended up not working out with him, the tradition would continue. Besides, Emma looked forward to this night all year. It was the only time we got to see a huge fireworks show in our area. There was no way I would deprive her of it.
Emma was trying not to look upset by the idea of leaving early, but she was my daughter. I knew her well enough to know that she was fighting back tears.
“No, we’re not going anywhere,” I said. “Are you kidding? We haven’t even seen the fireworks yet. We are not going to stop having fun just because a guy didn’t show up.”
“Darn right,” Sophie answered with a smirk, putting a comforting arm around Emma. “And it’s been pretty awesome, too. Guys don’t necessarily make a thing better. Just like we were telling you a couple of days ago, Emma.”
“Yeah, I guess I get that now,” Emma agreed, looking hopeful that things might work out in her favor, after all. “This is fun without boys. It always has been.”
"And it still will be," I asserted.
I made a decision then to take my hurt feelings and shove them down deep, where they couldn't rear their ugly heads again for the rest of the night. I knew I couldn’t ignore them forever, but for now, they could wait.
Later, when we were safely home and Emma had shuffled off to bed, I would have to think about things. I would have to think about Drew canceling on me at the last minute, and also the way he had canceled. There had been something strange in his voice, a weird little hitch I couldn't ignore.
When I had asked him why he couldn't come, he had told me that something had come up, but something in my gut told me it was someone that had come up. I wasn't a complete idiot. I'd done a little bit of digging into Drew's reputation since we started dating, and I knew he was a bit of a ladies' man, to say the least.
I hadn't seen any real evidence of that in the short amount of time we had been dating, but our time had been exactly that. Short. If he was going to start getting bored, it would probably be around now, now that he'd gotten what he wanted from me a couple of times and the novelty of it had worn off.
All of these thoughts would occupy my mind later, but not while on our picnic. It was one of our favorite holidays and favorite traditions. There was no way I was going to let anything ruin that, not even Drew.
“You know,” Sophie said in an offhand, casual way. “I’m not even sure this guy is real, big sister. For all I know, he’s a figment of your imagination.”
“Um, what?” I asked, turning to her. Her expression was unreadable. “Are you joking? I can’t tell if you’re joking. Are you calling me crazy?”
"Calm down,” she said, a hint of a smile on her lips. “Nobody said that. Still, it's not like I've ever seen this ‘Drew' character. What about you, Emma? Have you seen this guy?"
“Nope. Never seen him before.”
“That doesn’t mean he’s not real!” I laughed and swatted at my two best girls affectionately. “Believe me, he’s real. He’s just...”
“Just what, Mama? You never talk about him, except for when you told us he was alive.”
“Yeah, Jess. Your daughter is amazingly astute. You haven’t told us much about him, except for the fact that he exists, supposedly. And the fact that he canceled on the most amazing Fourth of July picnic ever. Not a lot to go on, I’ve gotta say. What do you think, Emma?”
“I think what you just said!” Emma said.
“Okay guys, I get it. I haven’t told you much about him. That’s because it’s not that easy. Dating is harder when you get older. Once you have people other than yourself involved, it’s not the same as when you were younger. I didn’t want to talk about him until I knew that there was a reason to.”
“But there’s a reason now, Mama, right? You invited him with us.”
"Yes, there is," I answered with as much confidence as I could drum up. “I like him. I like him a lot, actually. He's completely unlike any of the guys I've dated since your daddy. He's so serious
. Sometimes it's hard to tell what he's thinking, and but it's a serious that I like. Sometimes when I look at him, he reminds me of an old movie star or something, like Clark Gable or Cary Grant. I didn't think that kind of man existed anymore, but now, I think he's one of them. They don't make men like him anymore. That's what I really think. There's something special about him, even if he couldn't make it tonight."
There was a moment of silence after I spoke. I expected all three of us were mulling over the things I had just said. Emma and Sophie were probably doing their best to digest the most amount of information I had ever given them about my new, elusive paramour. For my part, I only wanted to make sure those were all things I still believed.
I knew he was special. I just wasn't sure that I could trust him. The strange tone of his voice when he had told me the night before that he wasn't going to make it kept playing inside of my head. Something about that tone made me wonder how close he was to the man I had built him up to be.
“I don’t know,” Sophie broke the silence with her flippant tone. “I’m still not convinced that he’s real.”
"Me either!" Emma shouted before dissolving into a heap of giggles.
