We found his car parked where we had left it and were soon on our way home. It wasn’t a pleasant trip. While Tammara and I were happy to talk to each other, neither of us would speak to Robert. He begged and pleaded with us to understand the reasons for him doing what he did, but we refused to listen and he eventually gave up.
We shared the driving, with Robert alone in the front when he was behind the wheel and alone in the back when either Tammara or I were acting as chauffeur.
I really didn’t feel like talking, but Tammara persuaded me that bottling up my emotions was the worst thing I could do, so I told her all about Kris and what we had done on our journey. By the time we reached my place she knew everything.
It was mid-afternoon when Robert stopped the car in my street. “I will be staying here tonight, with Rachel,” Tammara said as I got out of the car. “If that’s OK with you, of course,” she said to me.
“Sure,” I said. She obviously didn’t want to be alone with Robert and I couldn’t blame her.
“I’ll pick you up in the morning,” he said, sensing that it would have been pointless to argue.
“I’ll get a cab.”
“Suit yourself,” he said despondently. “I’ll see you sometime tomorrow afternoon.”
“No, you won’t,” Tammara said. “You will not see me tomorrow, or the next day. If I have my way, you will never see me again.”
With that she slammed the car door and followed me into my apartment. It is only a one bedroom place and though I insisted that she take the bed, she refused, saying the sofa was good enough. We took turns showering, then I got take out. Neither of us was in the mood for cooking, but we had to eat.
We were both exhausted, so went to bed early, but I couldn’t sleep; hence I am writing my diary. I am trying not to cry, but as you can probably see from the smudges on the pages, I am not doing a very good job. My journey through Hell is now over and tomorrow is the start of my 25 year exile from Kris.
Kay 2
Kay wiped the tears from her eyes. The game had finished ages ago, but she had been too engrossed with her reading to notice when Li changed the channel. She had not reached the end of the book, but the rest of the pages appeared to be blank.
She had been sitting in the same position for so long that her legs had gone to sleep and it hurt to move them, but it did not take long to get the circulation going again. At some point Li had made another cup of tea and she noticed hers was sitting on the coffee table, cold and untouched.
“Good book?” he asked her.
“Unbelievable,” she replied. “It is supposed to be the diary written by Rachel just before her and mum became such close friends, but this has to be fictional. There is no way this book can be a true account.”
“Tell me about it,” Li said, pulling Kay into his arms.
“Later. First we should think about eating.”
“Want me to check the fridge?” Li said and disappeared into the kitchen when Kay nodded her head.
“I can do us sandwiches or there looks like enough eggs for omelettes,” he called out a few minutes later. “There is also fresh juice.”
“Omelettes sounds good,” Kay called back. While Li cooked, Kay flicked through the remaining pages of the diary, checking that the rest were indeed blank. As she neared the end a piece of paper fell out and landed on the sofa. She picked it up and read it.
My darling Kay,
If you are reading this, you have probably read the most important of my diaries. It explains how I met Kris, why I always remained single and the bond that your mother and I share. After our time in Hell, Tammara as a guest of Death and me travelling through it, we had a shared experience that we could never talk about to anyone else. We became firm friends and to this day I regard her as the best friend anyone can ever have.
Neither of us ever saw Robert again. For months he would call us, but we both always hung up as soon as we heard his voice. He finally got the message. I have no idea what became of him and, quite frankly, I really don’t care.
I know you probably do not believe any of what I wrote, but you should ask your mother about it. She will confirm the parts she knows.
I left the rest of the diary empty as it felt wrong to put details of my normal, everyday life alongside my adventures in Hell, but that does not mean that I stopped writing.
There is much more to the story than what you have read so far. My diary ended with me being parted from Kris. I met my soul mate while in Hell and I have spent the last 25 years of my life waiting to get back to him.
I have placed the rest of my diaries on the table, in chronological order, and have marked the most important pages. If you feel up to it, please read more. Only then will you understand why I have lived my life as I have and why I have to leave.
Your loving godmother
Rachel.
Kay read the note through a second time, unsure if she wanted to read any more of the diaries. Part of her was beginning to think that her godmother had gone insane, while the rest of her wanted to know more about her. Opting to get details from her mother before deciding what to do, she returned the read diary to the kitchen and helped Li serve the food.
While they ate, Kay summarised what she had read. When she had finished she asked for Li’s opinion. “None of it can be true, can it?”
Li shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t see why not. A lot of myth and legend is based on fact. Who is to say that Greek and Roman gods aren’t real or that the four horsemen actually exist? Me, I believe anything is possible until it is proven otherwise.”
“I’m going to call mum,” Kay said, expecting Li to tell her it was a bad idea. Instead he agreed that it was the right thing to do.
“I’ll wash up while you make your call,” he said and took the dirty plates over to the sink. Going into one of the bedrooms, Kay took out her mobile and nervously dialled her mother’s number.
Half an hour later Li was back in the lounge, watching TV, when a shaken Kay walked in. “What did your mother say?” he asked as he glanced up at her.
Kay slumped down next to him. “She confirmed everything. When I told her that Rachel was missing, she already knew. Rachel called her a couple of days ago to say goodbye. She has promised to tell me everything next time I see her.”
“So what do you want to do now?” Li asked as he turned the volume on the TV down. “Would you rather stay here the night or go home?”
“Do you mind if I stay and read some more of the diaries? Rachel has marked the most important dates.”
“No problem,” he said. He stood up and went to the kitchen, returning with a number of books, two glasses and a bottle of wine tucked under his arm.
“I found this in the fridge,” he said, placing the books and glasses on the table before releasing the bottle from his arm pit. “I read the label and it said it goes perfectly with unrealistic diaries.”
“Very funny,” Kay said, but allowed him to pour her a glass. When Li sat back down, she snuggled up against him.
“Why don’t I read it to you. You have done so much reading today your eyes must be hurting.”
They weren’t, but Kay was not going to correct him. He took the first book from the pile, opened it at the first marked page and began.
10th August 2003
Today is my birthday and for the first time in my life I do not feel like celebrating. Not only is it my first one since my parents died, but I am also without Kris. It has been eight months since I saw him and the emptiness I feel inside is getting worse every day. I am beginning to think that I made a mistake by agreeing to remain apart from him for so long. I knew it was going to be hard, but not this hard. Maybe I would feel a little better if I knew how he was, but I have no way of finding out. His family promised to visit me, but I have heard nothing from any of them. If it wasn’t for Tammara, I think I would go insane. Every now and then I start to think that maybe I dreamed it all, but each time I do, I speak to Tam and she assures me that I didn�
��t. And, of course, I have the necklace.
I do not feel like partying, but my friends insisted. They have a big evening planned for me, but I am not looking forward to it. I will be surrounded by some of my favourite people, but I will still be alone.
And I will probably get hit on. Again. Since my breakup with Bill became public knowledge guys think I am now fair game. How can I explain to them that though I appear single, I’m not? I am in love with someone I can never see. None of them would understand. I am becoming a bit of a joke around campus. I heard there is even betting going on as to when I will finally accept a date with a guy. Maybe I should bet that I never will; I could make quite a bit of money.
Tam suggested that I forget Kris, that I accept that we were never meant to be, and I have tried. Honestly I have. But every time I am introduced to someone new I find myself comparing them to him and they always come up short. Their eyes do not sparkle the way his do or they don’t make me laugh the way he can. There is always something, no matter how small, that makes me know they would just be second best. My heart is already spoken for and always will be.
As a way of coping I have thrown myself into my studies. I try to make myself so busy that I don’t have time to brood. It is working so well I am now top of my class. Except on days like today. Today, nothing is going to cheer me up. Even getting out of bed is hard, which is why I am here, writing in my diary. Maybe if I stay here the day will pass by without noticing me and it will be tomorrow before I know it.
No such luck. Tam is due here soon to take me shopping, so I suppose I will have to get up. I’ll let you know tomorrow how the evening goes, unless I find a way of getting out of it, that is.
10th August 2003 - continued
I was wrong when I said that nothing could cheer me up. Shopping with Tammara distracted me for a while, but didn’t lift my mood. When we got back I pretended I was too ill to go out partying, but she would not listen to me. I swear that even having a heart attack would not have stopped her physically dragging me into my room to get dressed. I know she was concerned about me, but her opinion of what is in my best interests obviously differs greatly to mine.
It was nearly eight o’clock and I had just forced myself into a tiny black dress that Tam had insisted I buy when there was a knock at the door.
“Can you get that please?” I called out to Tam, who had been ready to go for ages. I heard her open the front door, then gasp.
“Oh my god.”
“Not quite,” a familiar voice said. What the hell was Ankou doing here?
I ran out of the bedroom, one shoe on, the other off, and almost fell into his arms. It was so good to see him I started to cry and my makeup ran everywhere.
“Great,” Tam said in exasperation. “It took me ages to get that face looking right. Now I will have to start all over again.”
“How’s Kris?” I asked excitedly. “What has he been up to? Is he with you?” I looked through the still open doorway, but nobody was there.
“Slow down,” Ankou said. “One question at a time.” He extricated himself from my arms and sat down on the sofa. “Firstly, he’s fine. Miserable, but fine. Secondly, not much, other than moping around. He has been banned from seeing you, but between you and me, I think he keeps sneaking out to make sure you are still alive. He is too scared of great-grandmother to let himself be seen by you, but that doesn’t mean he is never nearby.”
It is amazing how good that made me feel.
“Why are you here?” Tam asked. “Not that I am complaining. Having someone as attractive as you with us will make this evening extremely pleasurable.”
Ankou grinned at her. “You had your chance and turned me down, remember. You don’t get a second one.” This wasn’t exactly a true statement, but neither of us corrected him.
Tam pouted, making us all laugh.
“Seriously,” she said once she had herself under control. “Why are you here?”
“Rumour has it that it is the lovely Rachel’s birthday,” Ankou replied, taking my hand and kissing the back of it. “And that she is lacking a date. I am here to fill that gap.”
“What? You’re going to pretend to be my boyfriend for the evening?” I asked in disbelief.
“Yes,” he said. “Though I assume you would prefer it if we are the ‘only hold hands in public’ sort of couple rather than the ‘eat each other’s faces off in public’ kind.”
I didn’t bother to answer.
Despite all of my fears, the night turned out to be very enjoyable. Ankou was a lot of fun and got on well with all of my friends. He managed to play the boyfriend role well and not once did he make a move on me. By the time I got back to my place my face was hurting due to all of the smiling and laughing I had been doing. I hadn’t done it in such a long time that the muscles in my face had forgotten what to do.
“Can I offer you a coffee or something?” I asked him. Despite it being the early hours of the morning I still felt wide awake.
“A real boyfriend would be being asked to stay the night,” he said suggestively.
“But you are not a real boyfriend, are you?” He looked good. He looked really good, but somehow the magical spell he had me under when we first met was no longer potent. Yes, he was a great guy. Yes, he was extremely attractive with a fantastic body, but he wasn’t Kris and nobody else would do.
“Do you ever think about how different your life would be if it had been me who guided you through the underworld instead of Kris?” he asked.
“No, why?”
“You wouldn’t be here for a start. Instead of pining away for Kris you would be happily married to me.”
“Maybe,” I said. “But I would have met Kris eventually and I can almost guarantee that we would have ended up having an affair behind your back.”
“Do you trust me?” Ankou asked, suddenly going serious.
“Yes,” I replied with certainty.
“Then come here,” he said and grabbed me around the waist, pulling me in close to him. “I have something for you from Kris.”
Before I could stop him he kissed me. It was not forceful, but soft and tender. As soon as it was over he released me and backed away. “Kris asked me to do that, I swear.”
And for some reason I can’t explain, I believed him.
“In that case,” I said, walking up to him, “I have something you can give him from me.” The idiot didn’t back away. I grabbed his shirt, pulled him toward me and kissed him passionately. I didn’t release him until I needed to breathe.
“That was interesting,” he said.
“It’s for Kris, not you.”
“Well we both know I am not going to pass that on.”
I smiled at him sweetly. “Yes you are. Now be a good little messenger and disappear.”
“Yes boss,” he said and vanished.
1st August 2008
What an exhausting day. After working in the A&E department for half the night, I did my standard shift in the geriatrics department, but it was worth it. Mrs Granger died today and, as usual, I insisted on being present for her final moments. The family of most of my patients are grateful that I am prepared to spend so much time with their loved ones, even when there is nothing more I can do for them. I wonder how grateful they would be if they knew I was there for Death, not the patient.
I have often been asked why I went into geriatrics when it looked like I could have had a promising, and certainly more lucrative, career as a surgeon. How can I tell them that I avoided surgery because most patients survive, whereas in geriatrics most patients die? I spend a lot of my spare time in A&E for the same reason. The fact that I have no life outside of work is irrelevant.
Death does not always visit personally when a patient dies, but I have become convinced that he tries to as much as he can. Nobody else can see him of course.
And before you ask, no I do not purposely let anyone die. I took the Hippocratic Oath and it is something I strongly believe in. I always do everything I
can to save every patient I treat, but when death is inevitable I make sure I am around.
I do have friends, quite a lot in fact, but I do not socialise very often. Having left my heart in Hell I feel I have very little in common with normal people. I still see a lot of Tammara, though she is now spending so much time with Derek I am sure they will be moving in together soon.
But I digress. I started my A&E shift at 2 o’clock this morning and it was packed. Most of the injuries turned out to be minor, however, much to my disappointment. I know that sounds terrible, but I wanted to see Death. Every time he appears he lets me know how Kris is and usually has a love letter or note.
Everyone was surprised to see me after what happened yesterday. I did not write in my diary when I got home in the afternoon as I was too upset. It was toward the end of my shift in A&E when a car crash victim was rushed in. She was eight months pregnant and badly injured. Her husband had also been in the car, but he was taken straight to the morgue. We managed to save her, but the baby was already dead inside her by the time she arrived at the hospital. Given my line of work I am used to people dying, but always take it hard when it is children. I didn’t handle this one very well and broke down.
Death appeared, but he didn’t pass on any message from Kris. Seeing how upset I was he took me into an empty room and just held me as I cried. He acted like a concerned father or a favourite uncle. He gave me exactly what I needed and I wanted to see him today to thank him.
Back to today. My stint in A&E finished with no incidents worth mentioning and after a large and completely unhealthy breakfast in the hospital canteen I walked across to the geriatrics department.
Almost as soon as I walked in I was asked to see Mrs Granger before starting my rounds. Her breathing was laboured and her heartbeat erratic. I knew she would not survive the day, so I asked for her relatives to be informed. By the time I finished my rounds her son and daughter-in-law were by her bedside, along with two of her grandchildren. I informed them that all we could do for her now was make her comfortable and assured them that she was not in any pain. She had lived a long life and her body was worn out. I then promised that I would stay with them for as long as they wanted me to. They were very grateful that their relative was in such good hands.
Diary of a journey through Hell Page 28
