by Kata Čuić
The events of the morning fall into place. Regardless of our personal histories, one thing emerges as crystal clear. We’re caught up in this mess now, with no release in sight. The best any of us can hope for is to present a unified front against our common enemy.
I take a deep breath, releasing all the pent-up hurt, distrust, and bitterness that’s plagued me for weeks. “What do you need?”
“Jesus Christ, Emma. Weren’t you listening? I don’t want you to blow me!”
I take a page from Rosie’s book, straightening my spine and pulling fake confidence from the air around me. “That’s not what I meant. But, if you need me to blow you before a fight so you can keep your focus, then I will. What else do you need to make this work?”
He blinks several times. I can actually see him rewind my words to parse their meaning. “You’re serious?”
I nod, resolute. “Absolutely. Get Rosie up here. Let’s make a plan.”
Lie: The road to Hell is paved with the best intentions.
“Ugh. I’m stuffed.” Rosie pushes away the cardboard container of Moo Shu Pork. “If I die of a food coma, go on without me.”
I’m with her. As much as I’m trying to hold onto any scrap of self-preservation in their company, my will to go on just got up and went. There’s nothing like a dinner-sized portion of Happy Family to satiate a woman in need.
“Pussies.” Jason shakes his head, still stuffing his face with broccoli chicken—hold the sauce.
“My vagina thanks you for your recognition,” Rosie throws back before patting my stomach. “Speaking of female physiology. Aww, Emma! Look at your food baby! Can I plan the shower?”
I recoil from her touch. The reaction isn’t necessarily something I wouldn’t have done before. “I have medical school to get through before any baby showers, thank you very much. I can’t get pregnant for at least another eight years.”
“You’ll be thirty by then,” Rosie gasps as if it goes against her ten-year plan. “And, I thought medical school was only four years?”
“Four years of medical school; four years of residency, depending on the specialty.”
Rosie and I stare at Jason with matching expressions of shock.
“What? Everyone knows that. It’s not rocket science.” He places his empty container on the coffee table, nonplussed. “We need to work on our plan. What do we have so far?”
“We need to throw Kieran off his game in order to escape this spin cycle,” I dutifully respond.
Rosie chimes in. “Which means taking away his power over us by not reacting the way he expects.”
“That’s great.” Jason rubs his forehead, obviously frustrated. “Except we have no idea how to do that. I’m not going to purposely get my ass kicked every weekend, just so he doesn’t get paid.”
“I can’t possibly be reinstated into SST or any other sorority on campus.” Rosie’s eyes mist over as she searches the air in front of her. “Things have quieted down, and there are a surprising number of curious females on campus, though. I didn’t expect that. I might be able to make that work for me instead of acting like the shunned pariah Kieran expects me to be now.”
Jason points at her. “I’m not kidding, Ro. If you start having sleepovers every night of the week, I’m moving in here. It’s bad enough I’m crashing on the couch in my own apartment, but I can’t even sleep after the fights with how loud you moan.”
Rosie’s cheeks flame.
My gaze flicks between them. Jason has been sleeping on the couch? Part of me feels no surprise that he’s more chivalrous than he presents himself, but the other, more bitter, part of me doesn’t understand why they’re not sharing the bed. Rosie obviously has no problem with a penis in her threesomes, and Jason’s always…Jason.
“I’ve been rendered useless in this operation, anyway,” Rosie mumbles. “Emma stepped up and took over the reveals. I don’t have an actual job to screw up.”
Jason inhales deeply, swiping his thumb over his lips, appearing deep in thought. “I think you’re onto something with your idea, though. He used you as a reason for starting this. So, don’t be one. Live your life on your terms instead of worrying about what everyone else thinks. Go out again like you used to. Be your old smiling, social self. Stuff like that.”
Does he realize how hypocritical his statement is? Not that Jason and Rosie’s situations are the same, but his changing behaviors lately lead me to believe Jason isn’t as introverted and surly as he acts. He’s capable of laughter, social interaction, and caring about others.
I file that information away to ponder later. For now, we need to focus on the task at hand. The sooner we nail this down, the sooner I can boot them out of my apartment.
“I can’t renege on providing the reveal information every week. That will only piss him off more. He could easily dig up the dirt on his own or get someone else to do it.” His pockets run much deeper than I ever knew if he’s already paying off an entire network of people to make these fights happen.
“You can’t back out, anyway.” Jason reminds me. “He’s using us as leverage against each other. Remember? If you walk, he turns me in. If I walk, he exposes you.”
Rosie’s gaze snaps to Jason. “What did you just say?”
He rolls his eyes. “I didn’t mean he’s going to strip her and run her through campus.”
“No, not that part. You said he’s using you as leverage against each other?”
Hmm. For Jason and Rosie being so chummy these days, she obviously didn’t hear this part of our predicament.
He nods. “Yeah. I tried my damnedest to keep Sunshine, here,” he thumbs at me, “out of this. “I didn’t expect that me being an asshole would make her want to do it more.”
Rosie narrows her eyes at him. “What, exactly, does that mean?”
A thrill of glee bubbles up in my chest. The chance to tattle on Jason shouldn’t feel this good, especially since Rosie probably won’t care. “Oh. It doesn’t mean much. Jason finally confessed his feelings of deep-seated hatred for me, so I did what any capable woman would. I proved his assumption I can’t take care of myself wrong. Lo and behold, Kieran had already asked Jason to get me on board. When he discovered Jason had not only disobeyed orders but turned around and did the exact opposite, he made us both an offer we couldn’t refuse.”
The sound of Rosie tapping her nails rhythmically against her wine glass combines with her icy tone to send shivers up my spine. “Is that so?”
“Don’t look at me like that,” Jason whines, throwing his head back. “I made a calculated risk, and it backfired. How was I supposed to know Emma wouldn’t take the bait, whine to everyone about what a jackass I am, cry into her beer, and want nothing to do with me?”
“Did she do that with Kieran?”
“Yeah,” he spits. “Okay, no. Not so much the wanting nothing to do with him. Definitely the crying into her drink and whining, though.”
I can’t believe my ears. “I’m sitting right here, you know! If you two want to continue your backstabbing conversations about me, please feel free to make them private again.”
He ignores me, continuing to plead his case with the person he actually gives a shit about. “I figured if I could be a bigger dick to her than Kieran ever was, she’d wise up and walk away without a look back. I literally said all the worst things imaginable to her, and it didn’t even work!”
That grabs my attention in more ways than one. “Wait. You pretended to hate me to get me to back off? I know it’s not a stretch for you to act like an asshole, but are you saying what I think you are?”
He gives me a typical glare. No words.
“Do you hate me or not?” I shout.
“I definitely don’t like this new take-no-shit side of you, that’s for sure. This would all be much less complicated if you were still the pushover version of yourself.”
I promised myself I was never going to drink again, but I walk into the kitchen to grab a wine glass for myself. Maybe Jason
doesn’t actually hate me, but I’m definitely learning to hate him. I’m never going back to the old version of myself. How ironic the two people in this room are part of the reason for my metamorphosis.
Rosie hands me the bottle when I reclaim my seat on the couch. “Kiss and make up already, so we can move on. I have a brilliant idea, and you boneheads are so worked up, you’re not even seeing how obvious it is.”
I’d rather kiss a frog, and not have him turn into a prince. I take a healthy gulp of wine. “Fuck you, Jason Gould.”
I’m really getting quite proficient at delivering that line.
“Let me know when you’re ready, Dr. Sunshine. I can go all night.”
“You should.” A wide smile stretches Rosie’s lips. She gulps down the rest of her glass before refilling it.
Jason shakes his head, frowning at her. “I know you’re in a period of sexual self-discovery right now, but if that includes voyeurism, you’re going to have to find yourself another exhibitionist. I’m not interested.”
“Don’t you see?” Rosie tips her glass between me and Jason, sloshing liquid onto my lap. “You two are the key to unraveling Kieran’s control.”
She must be drunk. “Come again?”
“That’s what you’ll be doing. With Jason.”
I choke on my wine. Jason grabs the bottle.
“No.”
“Hear me out!”
“Off the table.”
“You didn’t want her involved in this,” Rosie insists. “She already is. If you have any better ideas besides throwing the fights or Emma walking away, then let’s hear them.”
The scent of defeat hangs in the air. I’m sure I’ll regret this as much as anything so far this year, but the take no shit part of me wants to rip off the bandage and expose my wounds to the air to speed up the healing process. “Explain.”
Rosie almost looks like her old self, practically vibrating with giddiness. “Kieran obviously sees you two as a threat. You hold the keys to his proverbial kingdom. Without either of you, his plan doesn’t work.”
“We’ve established that already,” Jason gripes before pouring himself a drink. “If you’re not going to provide any new information, then let’s call it a night and think about other options.”
“This is the only option,” Rosie insists. “Why would Kieran use you two as leverage against each other unless he really believes that’s a useful weakness?”
“Still not following you, Ro.”
“Make your weakness a strength. Make Kieran jealous. Make him believe you’re the king and queen of the kingdom.”
Laughter spills out of me. I open another bottle of wine. “I hate to break it to you, but your plan has an inherent flaw. Kieran won’t be jealous of something he doesn’t want for himself.”
Rosie tilts her head. “What makes you think he doesn’t want you?”
“He told her some shit story about being in love with his dead girlfriend, so he could have no-strings sex without the expectation of a relationship,” Jason offers.
I attempt to murder him with my eyes. It doesn’t work. The asshole smirks at me.
“When did this happen?” Hurt laces Rosie’s tone.
I almost smile. Almost. It feels somewhat cathartic for her to be on the receiving end of what she’s done to me. Truth be told, I wasn’t withholding that information from her. It simply never came up, or the time wasn’t right to bring it up. A lot has happened in a month. “Right before the semester started.”
“You told Jason?”
He shakes his head, offering Rosie a gentling smile. “I overheard their conversation at The Beanery. She wouldn’t have told me, either.”
He says it like I’m the one who hasn’t been open and trusting with either of them. “I don’t know why either of you should complain. I obviously burdened you with my sham of a relationship more than you could bear. You should be thanking me for learning how to withhold.”
“Withholding is a luxury none of us can afford anymore.” Rosie heaves a deep sigh before meeting each of our gazes. “We have the rest of our senior year to get through this unscathed. I don’t know about you two, but I’d like to not be jailed as an accessory to a crime before graduation. We either trust each other and go all in or stand idle and let fate control our futures.”
The ramifications of this operation have been my biggest worry all along. Everything on the line is precisely the reason I couldn’t, in good conscience, walk away and pretend I didn’t know a thing. “I’m already all in. I wouldn’t have done what I have so far if I wasn’t.”
“I’m sorry I brought you both into this mess.” Jason stands abruptly, moving a safe distance away to pace. “If I’d never gone to that first party and got into that stupid fight, none of this would be happening in the first place. When Kieran offered me a free pass to fight for Kappa, I couldn’t see any other way out. This is a fucking mess.”
“I’m sorry I blackmailed you into going,” Rosie confesses. “In my wildest dreams, I couldn’t imagine it would turn into this nightmare. I thought admitting my lesbian status would draw the heat away from you. Instead, it spiraled into a different level of hell.”
“I’m sorry I ever met Kieran King,” I add. It’s the only thing I can think to apologize for. If it weren’t for him, none of us would be in this situation. “He was the first guy to ever give me a second glance. Maybe if I wasn’t so desperate to fit in and be like all the other girls, I wouldn’t have gone to bed with the devil.”
Rosie touches my shoulder. “Everyone has the right to be loved. Don’t apologize for trying to find your happily ever after. It’s a basic human need.”
Of everything she’s said to me since we parted ways, this rings the truest, the most heartfelt. And in this moment, every grudge I hold against her melts away.
“You were right,” I admit. “In hindsight, I’d rather be a twenty-two-year-old virgin than have ever given anything to him.”
“You couldn’t have known.” She wraps her arms around me.
I hug her back, relief settling into the hollow spaces she’d left behind.
We jump apart when Jason clears his throat. He’s reclaimed his seat near us. “If you make out now, I’ll agree to any crazy idea Ro has to offer.”
Truth: Tell a lie once and all truths become questionable.
“Oh, Kieran! Hey!” Rosie’s voice travels through the closed door, her volume unnecessarily loud. “Um, our prize bull needs a moment. He’s, you know, going through his pre-game ritual.”
I can’t hear his response, but laughter makes up part of it.
“So…” My gaze pinballs around the small pre-fight holding room. If we’re going to make this believable, we have at least ten minutes to kill. “Be sure to avoid hits– “
Jason clamps his hand over my mouth, then leans in to whisper. “If we can hear them out there, then they can hear us in here. You shouldn’t be talking.”
I nod, my eyes wide in understanding. I’m really not as good at this as I think I’m getting.
Sweat breaks out on my skin, competing with the slow crawl of goosebumps. My body can’t decide between nervous shaking or keyed-up energy. So much is riding on this performance. Neither Jason nor I are confident it will work. As I study his nearly black eyes, his own misgivings reflect back at me.
We’ve never been so close yet so far away in all the time we’ve known each other.
He tips his chin to reaffirm my acquiescence before releasing his hold. Instead of stepping back, he continues speaking against my ear. “Trust me. I’m not an asshole because of my size. You wouldn’t get out more than a mumble if my dick was in your mouth.”
Forgetting his quasi-healed injuries, I punch his chest as hard as I can. It doesn’t do much damage. He stifles a laugh while I cradle my hand and moan.
Jason nods, gesturing for me to do it again.
What the hell? If I supposedly have a mouthful of penis, I wouldn’t be the one moaning.
I poin
t at him with my non-injured hand, intimating he should be enjoying this act more than me.
He backs away from the door, then pulls me to him, grabbing my fist and running his fingers over it to soothe the ache. “I don’t think I’d be a moaner. I’m the strong, silent type. You hate that about me, remember?”
He makes a valid point. He’s spoken more recently than I think I’ve heard from him in years. Hearing entire paragraphs tumble from his lips hasn’t been as much of a relief as I once used to think it would be. If anything, I’m beginning to realize his silence was golden, and I’d like to have it back.
His eyes rove over me, studying, calculating. All semblance of his effort to inject a little self-deprecating levity into this situation is for naught.
“This isn’t going to work,” I whisper, my voice cracking at the idea of defeat. “You should walk out of here looking satisfied, relaxed, and confident. Not like you want to throw up because I had my mouth on you.”
He taps my mouth, a smirk that doesn’t reach his eyes pulling at his cheek. “Yeah? And you should walk out of here with swollen lips and stars in your eyes. Not like you already threw up because you had your mouth on me.”
I roll said eyes and rip my hand from his hold. The first slurp of me sucking on my own skin echoes through the room.
Jason pulls his lips in, his chest heaving with silent laughter. “I take back what I said before. I’m really starting to enjoy this new side of you. You were always smart, but never such a smart ass.”
I abandon my suction to hiss at him. “Go jerk off in the corner or something. I’m doing my best to sell this, but you’re not helping at all.”
He grimaces, glances down at his feet, then back up. “I would, uh, actually never do that before a fight.”
“Why not?” Does he really have a pre-fight ritual? I thought Rosie only made that up for Kieran’s benefit.
His lips twitch. “I wouldn’t ever get into the ring looking that satisfied and relaxed. No one wants to watch me be a composed, precise fighter. They want to see the angry, hideous freak take out his frustrations on the world.”
