by Kata Čuić
“Har, har. Very funny.”
“Hey, you’re the one telling jokes.”
“Only, I’m not joking.” Her gaze softens as she glances at me.
“Why? Why would you do that? You, of all people, should know Jason hates pity. He wouldn’t like the idea of you trying to set him up. More importantly, he’s never shown interest in me as more than a friend, and even that’s stretching it.”
She tilts her head, her blue eyes roving over my face. “Have you ever considered why he’s never shown you much interest? Did you ever stop to think maybe it’s because he’s terrified of you?”
I snort. “In spite of what he deals with on a daily basis, Jason isn’t terrified of anyone, least of all me.”
“He is,” she insists before taking a deep breath. “He doesn’t admit it to himself, but he avoids women, even those he’s interested in, because he’s been burned before. What I’m about to tell you doesn’t leave this table.” She taps the surface for emphasis. “Got it? I shouldn’t be saying anything, but with everything else going on, I think you need to know a few things.”
The beer tastes unusually bitter as it slides down my throat. I drain the glass, hoping the buzz will catch up to me soon to soften this blow. “If you two didn’t see fit to include me in your secret sharing before, I don’t see what’s changed drastically enough for you to clue me in now.”
“Jason blames himself for this mess far more than me.” Tears lace her voice. “Deep down, he believes he brought Kieran into all our lives when he pushed you toward him sophomore year.”
Suddenly, I wish I hadn’t drained my beer. “What are you talking about? Kieran approached me. Jason never tried to play matchmaker like you.”
“He did, though. Kieran had been showing interest for a while, but you didn’t notice. You know how you used to be before I had my wicked way with you.” She tries to smirk, but it doesn’t reach her still-sad eyes. “Jason noticed Kieran sniffing around. He did everything he could to push you into his arms.”
“Why?” That’s as ludicrous as Rosie trying to set me and Jason up. Except this revelation sends shivers down my spine.
“Because you were a liability to him. He liked you too much, and he needed to distract both himself and you.”
I don’t believe that. I can’t. He’s the one who pushed me away. “Jason barely wanted to be friends with me when I offered. He doesn’t remember me from high school. If anything, he barely tolerates me.”
“You couldn’t be further from the truth if you tried.” Rosie shakes her head, then concentrates on her beer while my curiosity and anxiety skyrockets. “It might be true he doesn’t remember you or that he was wary when you offered yourself up to him, but after what he went through in high school, he had every reason not to believe you weren’t trying to set him up somehow. And when you proved yourself to be the honest, loyal, loveable person you are, you became more dangerous to him than if you’d pointed and laughed at his appearance.”
Past experience dictates I should be more skeptical. Yet, I find myself on the edge of my seat, buying into everything she’s selling. She makes it sound like he endured far worse than what I saw with my own eyes. “What happened to him in high school that I don’t already know about?”
She barks out a bitter laugh but refuses to make eye contact. “The brothers of Phi Kappa were sorely mistaken when they offered him a free lay, so he wouldn’t die without knowing a woman. Jason hasn’t been a virgin for years.”
Rosie clams up when the bartender approaches our table with fresh drinks.
“A girl approached him at a party,” she continues when the coast is clear.
I hold up a hand to stop her. “Jason used to go to parties?”
I went to a few parties but never saw him there.
“Yeah. Something about his mother always pushing him to go outside his comfort zone.” She waves her hand as if it’s not important. “Anyway, this chick at the party laid it on thick. Jason, being the horny teenager he was, bought it hook, line, and sinker. After they’d done the deed, she threatened him. Said if he told anyone about what they’d done, she’d file sexual assault charges against him.”
The little hints Jason has given me fall into place. Overwhelming sadness blankets me. “That’s why kissing is his price of admission. She must not have kissed him first, so now he uses it as a barometer of sorts.”
Rosie’s face twists into a confused grimace. “What?”
“Nothing. Never mind.” I shake my head and drain half my pint. “Who was it?”
Rosie downs her shot without flinching. “Hayleigh Adams.”
The force of her answer throws me back against the ripped leather booth. My lungs physically ache from lack of oxygen. The bright sunlight filtering in through the windows seems duller, less warm.
Rosie raises her eyebrows at my undoubtedly obvious reaction. “Yeah. If you think I hate her only for the way she treated me, you’re wrong. She’s a menace to civilized society. I don’t agree with Kieran’s methods for getting revenge against people like her, but I absolutely empathize with his intent. In fact, that’s what I blackmailed Jason with to get him to come to the Fall Opener party. I told him he needed to get back in the saddle and not let one shrew ruin the rest of his life. When he argued with me about it, I threatened to confront Hayleigh if he didn’t at least try. The rest is history.”
That’s some warped history. My mind doesn’t want to believe anything she’s said, but I can’t find any valid reason for her to lie. “Knowing what he went through, why would you even try to play matchmaker for him? With anyone? He has every right to be wary and distrusting.”
“Because it’s not fair for him to judge all women by the actions of one. Not everyone is soulless.”
We sip our drinks in silence. I’m grateful she’s giving me time to process everything she’s finally confessed to me. Everything I thought I knew during my time at Wellbridge has turned out to be a lie.
The fantasy world I built for myself during high school was safe. If I didn’t like the way a scenario played out, I could start over again and change direction. No harm, no foul. I thought coming out of my shell, sloughing off my old persona, and trying to be like everyone else was a good thing. As it turns out, I’ve been living in a fantasy all along. One I had no control over or knowledge of.
“Rosie?”
“Yeah?” Though she’s told me things she knew all along, she appears as shell shocked as I feel. Or maybe that’s the look of relief. Carrying so many secrets can’t be easy.
“We have to stop Hayleigh from hurting anyone else.”
Her lips curl into a devious grin. “Which is all the more reason for you to date Jason. If you’re together, not only does Kieran lose, but Hayleigh can’t touch him.”
“You told me why you think Jason might go for me, in a perfect world. What makes you think I’d be interested in him as more than a friend?” I cringe, waiting for her to admit Jason told her all about my little indiscretion with him sophomore year.
She shrugs. “Simple. You never once questioned his innocence in the Hayleigh scandal. You automatically trust him and believe in him. That’s a hell of a lot more stock than you ever put in Kieran.”
She makes a valid point.
Truth: Everyone wants the truth, but no one wants to be honest.
He slips in a little after midnight, sitting beside me on the opposite end of the couch. The only sound in the living room comes from my television. I blink in that direction, waiting him out. It’s been hours since I left the bar, and I still haven’t come to terms with everything I’ve learned.
“Ro told me what happened with Kieran.”
I nod, not glancing in his direction.
Several more minutes of strained silence pass between us. Palpable tension radiates from Jason’s stiff frame. “Want me to beat him up?”
I break my trance when I hear the smile in his voice. Sure enough, he’s wearing that familiar smirk.
; “If you want payback for the Halloween fight, you don’t need to use me as an excuse.”
A frown replaces his smirk. “That’s not what I–“ His shoulders stiffen, and he takes a deep breath. “Are you okay?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
He raises his eyebrows. “Ro also told me it was obvious you didn’t want whatever he was giving you. She said you looked like you were either going to throw up in his mouth or knee him in the balls.”
A harsh laugh escapes my throat. “I actually fantasized about that.”
“I’m sure you did.” His smile seems oddly soft.
I’m much more used to him making fun of my daydreams. He would probably pee himself with laughter if he knew I also fantasized about him coming to my rescue. Best not to mention that part.
“She seems to think we should go through with this new plan even more now.”
I lean my head back against the couch, sigh, and close my eyes. I know exactly what he’s referring to, but I’ve had enough talking about it for today. Unfortunately, it’s all my brain wants to contemplate, which is why I’m still awake, watching infomercials. Tomorrow is going to be unbearably long if I don’t get some sleep. I haven’t even thought about which reveals I’ll be handing over to Josh in preparation for this weekend’s regularly scheduled fight.
A nudge against my thigh prompts me to open my eyes. Jason’s made himself comfortable on the couch, leaning against the back on his side, his legs stretched out between us. He looks sleepy, his eyelids already at half-mast. The only hint of his discomfort—the arms crossed over his chest. “What do you want to do?”
“I don’t think it’s fair to either of us.” I swing my finger between us, remembering the sting of rejection when he denied my first kiss. “We shouldn’t have to be in a relationship for anyone’s sake but our own. Even though you’d disagree, daydreams have their place. This is reality.”
“Just because you have this fantasy I’m some kind of hero, doesn’t make it true.” He gestures to his face. “This isn’t one of your sappy romances. I’m not a scarred war veteran or a tragic burn victim. There’s no gut-wrenching backstory to make me more desirable. What you see is what you get. I agree it’s not fair for you to be on my arm in this reality.”
I don’t actually read or watch romance, but I wonder if Jason does. He probably needs an escape into a happy fantasy as much as anyone. Where I invent my happily ever-after, he might be incapable of creating his own. We all dream of a better life, even if it’s in different ways.
I nod, ignoring his typical self-loathing. I’m feeling too selfish and pitiful to give his appearance any room tonight. “I’ve already experienced a fake relationship. I don’t want to do that again. I want someone who will be proud to tell everyone I’m his. I shouldn’t have to be a dirty secret. If I’m going to be in another relationship, it’s going to be with someone who will show me off because he realizes how lucky he is to be with me. I don’t deserve anything less than the best someone has to give.”
My mom’s words echo in my mind. She’s right, and it’s time I start believing so, or nothing will ever change.
His mouth tips up in one corner. “Unfortunately for you, Dr. Sunshine, you deserve more than most people are capable of giving. I fear you’re in for a lifetime of disappointment with those high standards.”
I shrug, feeling strangely at peace with my decision. “Then, that will be my cross to bear. I’m never going to settle again. And you shouldn’t, either.”
He pokes me again with his foot. “I have no illusions about what this would really be. We’re all trying our best to find a solution to this messy problem. None of us wanted to be here, and if this is the easiest way out, then so be it. I’m not expecting mind blowing sex behind closed doors. Everything we might do in the public eye is to keep anyone else from getting hurt. Either this will end when Kieran gives up, or when you leave for medical school in Boston in the fall. If you’re worried about me getting caught up in your daydream, you don’t need to.”
“I am worried about you. In more ways than one.”
He jolts as if he’s shocked by my admission, even though he suggested it himself.
I backpedal quickly, afraid I’ve toed the line of all the things I’m not supposed to know about him. “You’re not healed yet from Halloween. How are you supposed to fight in two days without sustaining serious injuries?”
Again, with that weird smile that looks so out of place on his face. “I have a great doctor who will put me back together again.”
“If you’re serious about pulling off this farce, then you can’t think of me only as someone with the ability to care for you.”
He wrinkles his brow in confusion. “Isn’t that the point? A relationship is more than sex. It’s two people who actually care about each other.”
“If it wasn’t obvious we already care about each other, Kieran would never have been able to use that to his advantage to keep us from walking away.”
“I know,” he admits with obvious regret. “I thought I did a good job of selling my hatred of you to him. My best obviously wasn’t good enough.”
If I was a braver woman, I would tell him his best might not be good enough to pull off a fake relationship. I would crawl over his legs and rest my body on top of his. With soft touches, more kisses to his lips than he could count, and my hands cradling his face, I would prove to him beyond a shadow of a doubt, he isn’t ready to reciprocate my affection in a believable way.
“Kiss me again, and I’ll show you.”
My breath catches in my throat as I blink down at him. I register the weight of his arms around me, the warmth of his hands seeping into my back.
“This isn’t a daydream, Emma.” His voice cracks. His tone isn’t accusing but serious. “I told you I can handle it. You’re the one who isn’t ready, and that’s okay. I don’t blame you.”
My lip quivers along with my chin. “I’m not. I’m not ready to have my heart broken again. You won’t get caught up in the fantasy, but who will keep my head from wandering into the clouds?”
He brushes the hair away from my face with a rough hand, reminding me he’s capable of inflicting pain just as easily. “I won’t break your heart. You’ll never have the chance to daydream because I can’t be anything other than the insufferable asshole you always accuse me of being.”
Tears cancel my smile. I rest my forehead against his. “Don’t make me fall in love with you.”
I almost did once before.
“I won’t.” He squeezes me a little too hard as if to prove his point. “I promise.”
“Stop worrying. You’re stressing me out.” Jason’s voice is muffled as he peels his shirt over his head. The muscles in his torso flex and dance with every movement. He rolls his eyes when he catches us staring.
Rosie literally reels her tongue back in her mouth, then frowns. “Excuse us for trying to plan for the worst-case scenario. Kieran already seems on edge tonight. If he throws another wrench in this operation, anything could happen.”
“Exactly.” He directs an even gaze at us. “You can’t predict the future or what his next move will be, so quit trying. You’re going to give yourself an ulcer.”
“You’re being ridiculously calm, considering you’ve been doing exactly the same since this all started.” She crosses her arms over her chest and leans against the wall, waiting for Kieran to give the signal for us to make our way to the ring.
Jason places his hand over mine, effectively putting a stop to my incessant wringing. “And you. Relax. You’re not going to sell anything, acting like you’d rather chew your arm off than be seen with me.”
For the first time since high school, his direct gaze makes me distinctly uncomfortable. “I still think this is a bad idea. I don’t know if I can do this.”
“Hey.” He cups my jaw, directing my attention upward. “If you need me to slap your ass and call you demeaning names, just say the word.”
“You’re supp
osed to act like you’re in love,” Rosie squawks. “Not like you’re into kinky fetishes.”
Jason shoots her a confused glance. “I don’t know what kind of porn you’ve been watching, but if you think tapping an ass and calling a woman ‘baby’ is either a kink or a fetish, I’m afraid you’ve been misinformed.”
“Just like a man to assume because I’m a lesbian I’m into only softcore.”
He raises an eyebrow at her. “I’m not assuming you’re into hardcore just because you’re a lesbian. I’m making an educated guess you know nothing about BDSM based on your previous statement. Am I wrong?”
“No,” she mutters, kicking an invisible rock and staring at the floor.
“While this has been a very enlightening look at your sexual preferences, it’s time to get this show on the road.” Kieran appears in the doorway, leering at us. “Although I’m probably going to be imagining Emma bound, gagged, and being whipped with my Phi Kappa paddle while you’re beating the shit out of your next opponent.”
Jason steps up to him and pats his cheek a little rougher than necessary. “Don’t be jealous, King. Just because you have the prettier face doesn’t mean you could satisfy her the way I can.”
Rosie slaps her hands over her mouth to stifle her laughter, but I’m frozen in place watching the silent staring match. There’s no visible sign of who holds the power tonight, and that worries me. The men’s eerie calmness directly contrasts with my and Rosie’s nerves.
Jason isn’t lying to Kieran, either, whether he realizes it or not. Every night I showed up on his doorstep after being with Kieran proves his statement. It’s almost comical they’re having a pissing contest about sex when the difference between them isn’t physical at all.
They stalk out to the sound of deafening cheers, leaving Rosie and I to fend for ourselves as we make our way into the crowd. I’m reminded that not only has Jason turned me away, but he also certainly didn’t provide me the comfort I sought, either. Relief washes over me. He’s right. As long as I remember what an insufferable, unreachable asshole he is, I can totally fake it ‘til I make it.
