by Kata Čuić
Kieran blinks. Where my reaction was full of heartbreak, his holds worlds of understanding and acceptance. “You love her.”
Jason grabs his collar again, shaking him a little. “You’re goddamn right I do. And I’ll rip your head from your shoulders before I let you hurt her.”
Kieran nods. A sort of calm settles over him, replacing his previous struggle to maintain control. “You’re already losing, but I get it. She gets out, unscathed. You have my word.”
“Your word doesn’t mean shit to me,” Jason scoffs as he rises. “But this time, I won’t lose. Unlike you, there’s nothing I won’t do to see this through.”
It shouldn’t be anywhere on my radar in the grand scheme of things, but my chest collapses in on itself, hearing Jason’s vows. All along, I only wanted for him to be the best version of himself. To have the best possible outcome. He’s achieved it on his own; I had nothing to do with it.
I couldn’t be prouder and more heartbroken in a single moment.
“If she’s waiting for you, then go to her.”
He turns to face me with a pained expression. Damn his guilty conscience. He has nothing to feel sorry for. We were never supposed to be real, anyway. “Stay put up here for a bit until things calm down. Don’t leave until it’s safe.”
“No one’s going to come after me. They don’t know my blame. But, I’ll make sure no one comes after Kieran, just like Hayleigh will make sure no one comes after you.” I hope.
He chuckles and shakes his head. “I don’t think your protection services are going to be needed for him as much as your medical expertise. He might have alcohol poisoning at this point.”
Kieran’s glassy eyes seem to stare at nothing.
“I think you may be right.”
“So, you stay here and take care of him.” Jason glares at me pointedly. “Promise me.”
I nod, any words catching in my throat as my imagination runs wild with what will occupy his time once he leaves this room.
Satisfied I’m not lying, he shoves Kieran out of the way with his foot, then opens the door and leaves.
Bound to my oath, I heave Kieran’s dead weight upright. “We need to get some water in you. Do you have any up here, or should I go down to the kitchen?”
He focuses his glassy gaze on me. “He could have loved you. So much.”
“There are more kinds of love than romantic. Jason loves me in his own way. It’s just different than what he feels for Hayleigh, and neither of us has any room to hold that against him.” We spent years rolling around on the mattress in this room, never feeling anything more than lust. Being able to say that honestly in hindsight isn’t necessarily an easier pill to swallow.
“Not Jason. Jason’s…well, he’s weird.”
“Hey. Watch it, or I’ll leave you to drown in your own vomit.”
Kieran cracks a smile. “No, you won’t. Your heart’s too big.” The smirk slides off his face, like watching snow melt against a warm window. “You’re so much like him.”
“We’re nothing alike.” It takes all my strength to heave Kieran to his feet. His weight rests against me as we shuffle to his bed. “Jason does things in his own way. I follow everyone else’s lead.”
“No, you don’t.” Kieran reaches up an unsteady hand to caress my cheek once he’s flat on his back in bed. “You care about people. More than they deserve. Not everyone would put themselves in harm’s way to save others. No one else would let somebody else’s pain affect them so much.”
I brush off his ramblings as the effects of too much alcohol as I roll him onto his side, then prop him in place with pillows. “You’re sad about Layla, too. It’s affecting you as much as anyone. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through; for what you’re experiencing all over again.”
“I couldn’t save him. I never opened my eyes; I didn’t know,” he mumbles as his eyelids flutter. “They all deserve to suffer the way he did. Every last one of them.”
I hang my head in defeat at Kieran’s bedside. Even after everything that’s happened in the past twenty-four hours, we’re no closer to escaping this vicious cycle. Revenge won’t bring back Kieran’s lost love. It hasn’t soothed his soul a fraction.
Not even exposing Hayleigh’s dark side has turned out as hoped. Instead of forcing her to look at herself in the mirror and change the reflection smiling back at her, I can’t shake the feeling she’s using Jason to regain a bit of her smeared status. As much as Rosie insists he needs this chance with her to get over his own hangups, I can’t stomach the thought of him being hurt again.
And as for Rosie? I still haven’t figured out what she stands to gain from all this. Because honestly, that’s all this game is. Every player on the board is motivated by a different desire. Minimizing losses hasn’t panned out. The only thing to do now is force a draw by giving all the players exactly what they want. But, how?
I settle on the floor to the sound of Kieran’s snores and let my imagination take flight. If I’m going to be awake all night anyway, may as well make myself useful.
Truth: If you love someone, set them free.
“I know I’ve said it a million times already but thank you for coming. You’re a good friend to give up part of your winter break to be here.” Jacquelyn wraps me in a hug that does nothing to stop the shaking in my bones as wind slices through the cemetery. People huddle together in small groups, waiting their turn to comfort Layla’s grieving parents. In spite of the winter weather, this place reserved for the dead crawls with the living. So many people turned out to say goodbye.
I swipe my gloved hand beneath my nose before I transfer anything onto Jacquelyn’s pristine winter white pea coat. “I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. How are you holding up?”
It’s a stupid question that tastes stale in my mouth after having asked it so many times to so many different people. Then again, funerals are always full of meaningless talk. What can anyone possibly say in the face of death? No amount of offering tissues or a shoulder to cry on can atone for my sins.
But, after a few sleepless nights at home, filled with tears and confessions to my mom, she sided with Jason. In fact, it almost seemed like they’d rehearsed their lines together for as precisely as she repeated everything he’d said to me the night of the last fight. She insisted I come here today to bury my guilt along with Layla. Of course, she also insisted I engage in hand-to-hand combat with Hayleigh for Jason’s heart, so I’m not sure how seriously she took the whole situation.
“Honestly, I’m numb at this point.” Jacquelyn sniffles through a giggle. “I’ll be a little better once we get out of the snow. Warmer, anyway. Our sisters have been invited to the wake at a restaurant her parents made reservations at. You should come.”
I pull away, glancing at the dwindling line to offer final condolences. “Oh, no. That’s okay. I’m not a member of your house, and I didn’t know Layla. You should have a nice meal together and share stories about the good memories you all share. I’m sure it will mean a lot to her parents.”
“Are you sure? I’m going to be worried about you driving three hours home in all this snow.”
“I’ll text you as soon as I get home,” I promise. If I don’t work up the courage to say something to Layla’s parents soon, I’ll miss my chance. Only a few stragglers remain. Everyone else is climbing into their cars to escape the weather.
Without me saying a word, Jacquelyn senses my urgency. “Go on. Just because you didn’t know her doesn’t mean they won’t appreciate you being here. Besides, I’m pretty sure they don’t know all the Alpha Zeta sisters. If you feel that awkward about speaking to them, just tell them you’re one of us.”
“No.” My days of lying are over. Even with the best intentions, it’s not worth the potential tragedy. “I’ll tell them who I am.”
My courage shrivels up as I approach the couple who look like they’re numb from everything except the cold. Tear tracks are still visible on their faces, and they’re practically hol
ding each other up. I can’t imagine what must be going through their minds.
“Mr. and Mrs. Manucci?” I extend my hand, unsure what greeting protocol to go with. Layla’s father takes my offering, suffusing a bit of warmth into my frozen fingers. “I’m Emma Hastings. I went to Wellbridge with Layla. I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“Are you one of Layla’s Alpha Zeta sisters, too?” Mrs. Manucci asks, her expression roving over my features as if trying to place them in her mind’s eye. “It’s so kind of you to be here, especially in the middle of a snowstorm. I’m surprised by how many people came. She struggled with depression for so long, I worried she wouldn’t have any friends in college.”
Her brutal honesty strikes me. Maybe all the exhaustion and grief have loosened her lips, causing her to reveal that which she might have held close otherwise. My intent wasn’t to follow my mom’s orders. I fully planned on confessing everything to Layla’s parents. But, looking at their smiling faces in the midst of so much pain, I realize relieving my guilty conscience would be the ultimate act of selfishness. In spite of my personal vow to never lie again, my mind spins fantastic tales of her sunny disposition, musical laughter, and cherished friendship faster than my numb lips can keep up.
Layla’s parents eat my words as though they’re a feast which will sustain them for life. They laugh at the fabricated memories, even as they wipe fresh tears away. “Thank you for being one of the people who wouldn’t allow her to push them away.”
Mrs. Manucci’s words stab at my heart, reminding me of someone else who constantly pushed. He’s gone now, too. I take my leave, trudging toward my car.
Even through the swirling snow, I recognize the form leaning against the hood. “What are you doing here?”
“We’ve carpooled together enough for me to know you can’t drive for shit in bad weather.”
“Where’s your car? How did you get here?”
“Luke drove me up. He was more than willing to get away from Mom’s nagging for a few hours.”
The fact he’s here—for me—shatters the last vestiges of my self-control. I collapse into him, burying my face against his solid chest. Sobs wrack my body. His arms band around me, and he makes no attempts to stop my emotions from leaking out onto his coat.
It’s not until I’m emotionally spent and physically exhausted, only half awake as he bears my weight, that he clears his throat. “Let’s get started. The roads are getting bad, and we might get stranded if we wait much longer.”
I’m surprised to find a coating of snow on both of us when he maneuvers my body enough to hold the passenger door open for me. How long did I cry?
He tends to my every need as I continue to float in some kind of mental limbo—tucking me into my seat, buckling my belt, wiping as much snow as possible from my soaked hair and coat. He climbs into the driver seat, turns on the engine, then sets to work clearing the car of a fresh inch, so he can see to drive us the three hours back home. When he returns, he puts the heat on full blast. “Why don’t you take a nap? You look like you haven’t slept in days.”
“That bad, huh?”
He chuckles though his eyes never leave the road. “A couple more days without, and you might end up looking like me.”
He looks good, actually. Happy. Giving things a second shot with Hayleigh must have put that perpetual soft smile on his face.
I shift uncomfortably in my seat, wondering if they spent last night together even though we’re home for break. Having to sit in silence for an hours-long car ride with him must be some kind of karma for all the times I showed up at his apartment after being with Kieran.
Once we get on the highway the roads are much better, even though the snow is still coming down at a steady pace. The warmth of Jason’s hand grasping mine startles me.
“Seriously. Get some sleep. If you’re a good girl and do as I say, maybe we’ll even stop somewhere for dinner.”
Fresh tears well in my eyes as my chest burns with the effort of holding off another round of sobs. This is all wrong. For the short amount of time Jason was really mine, we didn’t do romantic stuff like go out to dinner or hold hands. As much as I fantasized about this before, I never imagined being the other woman.
I pry my hand out of his. “No, that’s okay. It was really nice of you to come all this way to make sure I get home safely. I don’t want to keep you away from your other obligations longer than necessary.”
“What if I’m starving? You’d deny me food?”
His joke falls flat. Probably because I’m unused to hearing them from his mouth. Or maybe because he’s unused to delivering them.
He sobers, then heaves a deep breath. “You’re not taking me away from anything. Or anyone.”
Like a petulant child, I cross my arms over my chest. If he says anything, I’ll blame it on being cold. “I don’t think your family or your girlfriend would agree.”
“Hayleigh went to Sugarbush Resort with her family for the holidays, so what she doesn’t know won’t hurt anyone.”
As if that’s supposed to make me feel any better. I’m done with secrets and lies. “Just because she only wants you to make herself look better after the rumors broke about her blacklist doesn’t mean I’m willing to sneak around behind her back.”
“Yeah,” he draws out the word as a faint smirk plays on his lips. “Funny about that. She went years without anyone noticing her vindictive streak, then suddenly it’s all anyone can talk about. Your reveals might have all been lies, but that one is completely true. I wonder how that happened?”
“If you’re going to accuse me of something, then just do it already.” Like any of us is innocent in all this.
He dares to glance at me with a pointed expression. “You’re not going to turn into one of us, do you hear me? I won’t allow it.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I throw my hands in the air, only to be reminded we’re in my tiny car as my fingers collide with the roof of the cabin. That smarts. “From the very beginning, it was an us against them mentality, and you had no problem leaving me out in the cold. You said I couldn’t fight for myself, but I proved you wrong! You said I didn’t have what it took to play in the big leagues, but I stepped up my game!”
“And how’s that working out for you?” His whispered question contrasts with my shouts.
I swipe at my tear stained cheeks, but there’s no use pretending. He probably has my snot dried all over his chest.
“I will die before I let you go down for this,” he states, his voice stronger. “You can’t be one of us because you’re better than all of us, combined. The fact you’re so torn up about a tangentially related casualty after you tried so hard to keep anyone else from getting hurt only proves it.”
“Kieran’s torn up about it, too.” And maybe Rosie, but I wouldn’t know because she’s gone radio silent since the Holiday Bash.
Jason scoffs. “Kieran’s torn up about his own black soul. He doesn’t give a shit about who gets hurt in the process.”
I twist to face him in the driver’s seat. His dismissal of Kieran’s obvious feelings about Layla’s death reeks of hypocrisy. “Maybe you should be more concerned for the state of your soul. Hayleigh’s bound to singe it a bit. She’s using you.”
That same smirk reappears. “Oh, I know.”
My blood boils. He knows? He knows? That’s all I’m going to get out of him? “You are such an asshole.”
“You forgot insufferable.” He’s practically beaming. “But, maybe I can change your view on that. What are you in the mood for? Steak? Italian? Mexican?”
In my anger, I haven’t been paying attention to where we’re going. Shopping plazas and various restaurants pass by in the side windows. We’re not on the highway anymore.
I sigh. “This isn’t a good idea. Even if you realize Hayleigh’s only using you, she’ll be pissed if she finds out you took me to dinner.”
“I already told you. She’s away for break, and we’re nowhere anyo
ne will recognize us. Maybe I just need to know if you can stand to be seen in public with me.”
His odd but increasing penchant for revealing his poor self-esteem throws me for another loop. “I’ve shared meals with you in the dining hall for years. Where people actually know both of us. I’ve never been ashamed to be seen with you before.”
He puts the car in park at an upscale-looking steak and seafood house. “Then, why are you so worried about what someone else will think now?”
“Because you said you need this second chance with her, and I’m not going to stand in your way. Because she likes to be the center of attention, and if she finds out about this, she’ll be pissed. Because I played the other woman once, even if unknowingly, and I’m not going to do it again.”
He faces me in the dark cabin of the car, then pulls my hands to his lips, kissing my knuckles. “Good thing you’re not the other woman, then, isn’t it?”
All I can do is blink at him. “What?”
“I warned you I’m not very good at this relationship stuff. In hindsight, I handled things at the Holiday Bash poorly. So, let’s go have a nice dinner together and,” he physically shudders, “talk about it.”
“What is there to talk about?” I wrestle free from his grasp. “You dumped me for her.”
“No.” He shakes his head vehemently, a spark smoldering in his dark eyes. “She gave me an opportunity to get you out of this mess, and I took it.”
Well aware I can’t escape my situation, I settle in for what promises to be a lousy explanation since Jason isn’t too fond of oversharing.
“Come on,” he pleads. “Have dinner with me. We’ll talk about it inside.”
“We’ll talk about it now. Where no one can overhear us.”
He reaches for me, pulling against my neck until we’re forehead to forehead. “At first I wasn’t willing to risk anyone finding out about this ruse. Not even Rosie. At Wellbridge, it has to look like Hayleigh and I are together, and you’re left out in the cold. But, I’m jonesing for some time with you. I miss you. Please, have dinner with me.”
