by Kata Čuić
That’s not what she told me. Once again, I find myself at a loss. They can’t both be telling the truth.
I search his eyes for understanding, hoping he’ll give me some clue of who to believe. “Why wouldn’t you want to admit to that on your own? You didn’t know what it would turn out to be. No one could have. If anything, friendship is making sacrifices for the other person’s happiness. Just like I didn’t fight when you decided to be with Hayleigh instead of me.”
His gaze bounces around the features of my face. “Don’t fight for me. After we leave this room, we’re back to pretending. That’s the way it has to be.”
“I already fought for you.” But, maybe my best hasn’t been good enough. Now that I know he loves me, I’ll fight harder. I can’t just give up on this.
“I know.” He presses a soft kiss against my lips. “Now it’s my turn to fight for you. Let me be the hero for once in my life. Don’t look back, Emma. I won’t be here.”
He’s here now, though. His lips open against mine, not in a kiss, but almost like he’s breathing me in. Much like Layla’s parents, his inhales against my skin seem like a one-time feast that must sustain him for life.
“You never wanted my pity before,” I moan as he sucks on my neck. “I’m not giving it to you now. I won’t let you implicate Hayleigh. I love you enough to keep you from being a villain.”
He lifts my shirt over my head, then palms my breasts through the lace of my bra. “And I love you. Enough to damn myself if that’s what it takes.”
I push against his shoulders when he lowers his mouth to one hardened nipple. “Have you slept with her already?”
His eyes soften. “No. I haven’t. But if she demands that of me, I won’t hesitate.”
A hardened shell creeps over my heated skin. I bend down to retrieve my shirt from the floor. “Then we’re already done.”
He throws the sweater out of my reach before I can grasp it, then hauls me against his chest. “Do you have any idea how much you tortured me every night you sought me out after being with Kieran? From the moment Rosie would text me, all I could imagine was being in his place. I spent over a decade of my life not allowing myself to fantasize about anything, but you obliterated that. You’d show up at my door, sit on my couch, and stare at me with these big pleading eyes. I couldn’t talk to you if I wanted to. All my willpower was focused on not ripping your clothes off and erasing every last drop of his scent on you.”
I shake my head, fighting against more useless tears. “Just because I’m sorry for what I put you through doesn’t make this any better. If you’re hers, then you’re not mine. You can’t be both.”
“Yes, I can.” He stares into my eyes with a weight that crushes me. “You taught me that. Because every time you were with him, you were mine.”
“That’s not fair.”
“No. It’s not. Life isn’t fair, though, Dr. Sunshine.” He sighs, dropping his face onto the top of my hair.
“If I had asked you any of those nights to take it all away, if I had told you I wanted you and not him, what would you have done?”
He chuckles without any real mirth. “That’s not fair.”
“Life’s not fair, Villain. But you already knew that. I don’t need you to teach me that any more than you need me to teach you.”
He straightens, loosening his hold on me. “You don’t need lessons from me about anything, but I absolutely need you to teach me. This might be my only chance. You have a lifetime of love ahead of you.”
“Don’t.” I shake my head again and step out of his reach. “Don’t do that to me. I’m far less likely to give in when you make it sound like this would be nothing more than a pity fuck.”
“That’s what makes you worth every fight I have in me.” He advances until my back is literally against the wall. “I could have had all the pity fucks I’ve ever wanted for the past few months. For the record, I meant I will love you for the rest of my life. But you? You’re going to move on to bigger and better things.”
“You promised.” My voice pleads with him not to break my heart. If we do this, it will only make things worse. We’ll end in the way I always knew we would.
“That promise was never mine to give.” His breath ghosts along my lips, down my neck, across my chest. “You chose me long before I ever believed you could.”
“You’re an insufferable asshole.” The accusation bears no weight as a whisper.
“You’re an annoying follower.”
He tests the waters, cupping my shoulders in his warm hands, then gliding down the length of my arms. Goosebumps raise in his wake. We don’t break eye contact as he reverses course, then slides back to rest on my breasts. “You have the best rack I’ve ever seen.”
That’s actually a meaningful compliment. He’s seen a lot of breasts during the past semester. Women have been flashing him at parties every chance they get.
I pull his shirt off to even the score. “You have a body built for sin.”
He smirks, then whispers in my ear. “Still thinking about a spanking, are you? Why don’t you fantasize about something a little more original?”
I bite his shoulder. God, it’s so firm, so hot and smooth, and the flavor of his skin tastes like delicacies I never knew existed. Driven by gluttony, my tongue snakes a path across anything within reach—his bicep, his neck, his chest, his nipples (which I have actually fantasized about before, and they’re far more delicious than imagined), his abs. I’m a greedy, drooling monster by the time I kneel at his feet and undo the button and zipper of his pants.
A ripple of power surges through me as I watch unbridled lust bloom in his expression. Hayleigh must never have given him this. I’ll be his first. Suddenly, I understand the allure men seem to have for deflowering women.
He shakes off his haze as I pull out his length. “A blowjob is hardly original.”
“No?” I stroke him slowly, enjoying the feel of his hot, hard flesh in my palm. The contrast between smooth skin sheathing his rigidity mesmerizes me. My mouth waters for a taste. “Not even if I’ve never given one before?”
“You’re supposed to respond with another insult,” he grits out as I take him in. As if he’s not in control of his actions, his fingers thread through my hair, positioning me exactly the way he wants. I feel him trembling with the effort of holding back from flat-out fucking my face. The illicitness of his obvious want sends a pang of desire between my thighs.
I pull away from his length just enough to mumble, my lips caressing his tip with every word. “You taste terrible.”
There’s no way he believes the lie because I dive back in like I’ll never have this treat again. My movements slow when it occurs to me I won’t. Like he promised, after we leave this room, all bets are off.
He uses my momentary pause to pull me upright. “You’re trying to take advantage of the fact you know I can’t last long.”
“If all I’m going to be tonight is your fuck toy, then at least let me make it memorable and do it right.”
I jump as his flat palm slaps against the wall beside my head. “I have never wanted you for nothing but sex.” He frowns. “I’ve imagined it plenty of times, sure, but fantasy could never compare to reality, in this case.”
My face twists in an obvious display of disbelief.
“That’s it.” He hoists me up, carries me across the room, then throws me on the bed before descending on me to remove every piece of clothing I have on. “I want to taste every inch of you. If you’ve been through this before, feel free to stop me.”
“Oh.” My verbal realization ghosts into the air as he goes straight for the gold.
He’s as jealous of Kieran as I am of Hayleigh. What he’s doing to me feels so amazing, I don’t have the mental capacity to assure him no one has ever done to me what he’s doing. And oh, what he’s doing. A tingling sensation dances along my skin, but my nerve endings are firing furiously in the concentrated area he’s licking like it’s the best damn pastry
he’s ever created. My thighs squeeze like a vice around his head until he finally pries them away, holding me open and exposed to him. Once again, a vague notion of self-consciousness dances in the corners of my mind, but I don’t have time to react to anything but the powerful orgasm that spreads like lightning to every recess of my physical being.
He moans, lapping up everything I have to offer. My body lays boneless beneath him as he takes him time to explore every inch of me with his lips, tongue, and hands—just as he promised.
“Open your eyes,” he whispers when he’s hovering over me with just a fraction of space between our bodies.
A sigh of satisfaction escapes as I gaze up at his face. He’s not smiling. No smug expression pulls at the corner of his still-shiny lips.
“I love you.”
“I know.” He grinds against me.
The friction sends me into another time and space. One where we can do this every day, all day, for the rest of our lives. I’ll never be able to get enough.
Just as I’m settling in for what promises to be an exceptional round two, he pulls away, dropping his head to my shoulder with an audible thump. “Shit. I didn’t bring any condoms. I really didn’t plan on this.”
A chuckle I didn’t know I was capable of making escapes me as I stroke the back of his thick head of hair. “So, you planned on it those last two times? I was starting to think you had a stint as a Boy Scout as prepared as you always were.”
He lifts his head to smirk at me. “No Boy Scouts for this ugly duckling. Not worth it.”
“Stop. Stop already with the self-deprecation.” I raise my lips to his, tasting myself on his tongue. “If all we have is tonight, then I want to experience it to the fullest. You won’t knock me up since I’m on the pill.” This isn’t the most romantic pillow talk but still necessary. “I got tested after Kieran confessed his cheating ways. I promise, I’m clean.”
“I trust you.” He emphasizes every word as he pushes into me bit by bit, culminating in one long thrust that sends my mind reeling and another keening moan from my throat. “I love you. I love you so damn much, Emma.”
He proves it with every caress, every drive into me, simultaneously deep and powerful yet gentle. His arms wind beneath my shoulders, holding me as close to him as possible while still retaining his range of motion. I lock my ankles behind his tight ass, wrap my arms around his shoulders, and commit every detail to memory—the scent of his sweat, the way his muscles shift beneath my fingertips, the taste of his tongue dancing with mine, his eyes squeezed shut in ecstasy.
Suddenly, he pulls away, lifting off my chest and dragging his arms from beneath me only to find my hands with his, locking our fingers together and holding me hostage against the mattress. His gaze bores into me, then sweeps across my naked body beneath him.
Awareness washes over my sweaty skin. He’s memorizing this moment the same way I am.
“It doesn’t have to be only for tonight,” I whisper.
He picks up the pace, pistoning in and out of me with a punishing rhythm as he squeezes my hands harder. “It does. Let go, Emma. Just let go.”
“No.” I squeeze my eyes closed and shake my head in time with his thrusts. “I won’t. I’ll never let go.”
“That’s my line.” Jason brushes his lips over mine, never slowing his movements, which causes his speech to be panted and broken. “You can, and you will. You’re going to have an amazing life. The kind you deserve.”
The tears I’ve been bottling slide down my cheeks when I open my eyes. “What about the life you deserve?”
He smiles. “You’ve already given it to me.”
For what feels like an eternity, we communicate with our bodies instead of with words. Just when I think I can’t possibly come again, he reminds me he’s in control. When he gets too close, he pulls out, lavishing me with attention I never would have thought it possible for him to give.
“One more. Give me one more,” he pleads as he slides back in.
My emotions and body are flayed raw. “I can’t. Just finish. Please.”
He kisses me like this one will be our very last. “For me, you and I will never be finished. You’ve left your mark on me, Sunshine. I can’t go back to the man I used to be.”
I wrap myself in his words as much as I wrap my body around his, working with him to bring him over the edge. I can’t go on much longer. Already, I’m imagining how hard it will be to become strangers, to see him with Hayleigh around campus next semester, even as my veins burn with the knowledge he’ll always carry a piece of me with him.
“I love you,” he whispers as he stills, releasing inside me.
My tears have run dry, completely spent like the rest of me, but I still feel their invisible weight as Jason collapses on top of me, holding me close. In spite of being crushed, neither of us hurries to catch our breath, collect our wits, then separate. A few times, he rocks inside me again, not for any end goal but because it simply feels good. Like a soothing balm after the main act has burned us both.
Finally, he rolls off me. “Pillow talk?”
“Hmm?” Though I can inhale fully again, I’m not quite ready to part with my transcendental state and face reality.
He chuckles. “I never imagined I’d be dying for your words. Usually, I can’t wait until you shut up.”
I roll my head to stare at him in confusion. “What do you want to talk about?”
“Anything.” He pulls me into his side. “Everything.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
His hand carves a never-before-traveled path up and down my spine. Between that and the unusual trickle of wetness between my thighs, I feel out of sorts. This isn’t what I’m used to and nothing I expected from tonight.
“Have you started apartment hunting in Boston yet?”
“Not yet.”
“You should,” he insists, though his warm voice never rises above a soothing volume at my temple. “Affordable, safe rentals go fast in the city. You’ll need plenty of time to scope out your options, throw your name in the hat, and come up with the hefty security deposit.”
“It’s on my to-do list.”
Another chuckle reverberates his chest beneath my cheek. “Of course, it is. What else is on your list?”
For the next hour, we take turns sharing our plans for after graduation and all the preparation involved to get there. Finishing our last semester with straight As and going through the pomp and circumstance to celebrate our accomplishments pales in comparison to the challenges on the horizon.
Exhausted and drifting toward sleep, a thought occurs to me:
Jason steered the conversation in a specific direction for a single purpose. To help me move on. Just like he wanted.
He’s going to be so annoyed with me.
Truth: The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves.
Pretending to move on sucks.
Winter slowly erodes as sunshine and warmer temperatures replace biting winds and snowfall. It’s nice to see the sidewalks again and to arrive at class without feeling like a drowned, frozen rat. It’s sheer torture to see Hayleigh’s smiling face all over campus.
If Jason’s pasted-on fake grin even remotely matched hers, I might have given up already. He made a critical error when he admitted he’s only with her to protect me. Jason knows how stubborn I am. Telling me he loves me in the same conversation as ordering me to forget him only added fuel to my fire. I won’t give up until there’s nothing left to fight for.
In the meantime, I’ve been testing him to see how deep his commitment to this newest lie runs. Making probably the most ridiculous spectacles to draw Jason’s attention my way—face planting on an icy sidewalk, hoping he’d pick me up; sliding into the dining hall on snow-caked boots, trusting he’d save me from colliding with the nearest table; walking around campus like a zombie who’d had her heart cut out with a spoon but could still feel the ghostly evidence of Jason’s love between her thighs. Okay, none of those things
were actually within the realm of my control, but he didn’t come to my rescue, anyway.
Still, he gives off little clues. Balling his hands into fists and blatantly looking away from whatever scene I’m making. It’s as if he has to physically restrain himself from touching me or even seeing me on campus.
I empathize with that.
In spite of trying everything I can think of to bring him back to me, I can’t make myself go to the fights anymore. I just can’t. If I have to see him mentally suffer every day by chaining himself to the woman who abused him so long ago, I don’t want to bear witness to his potential physical pain. Any hope he’d throw another fight for the excuse to show up at my door on a Saturday night withered around Valentine’s Day. He’s not going to give up this ruse so easily.
Other problems are still demanding my attention enough to keep me from going insane while I wait to see how this is all going to shake down.
Kieran has been mysteriously absent on campus since we returned from winter break. According to the grapevine, he withdrew from Wellbridge and won’t be returning. No one knows why. Even though the Phi Kappa brothers are understandably rattled by his sudden disappearance, they’ve taken over handling the fights which are still running smoothly on schedule. Josh insists even the reveals are being covered by a new informant, so my services are no longer welcome.
Rosie is back in the SST house, enjoying all the fringe benefits of being reinstated as a sister. The smile on her face can’t hide the shame in her eyes. She hasn’t spoken a word to me since we’ve returned. As much as I’d love to pump her for information about Jason, I’m not ready to forgive her treachery enough to talk to her, either.
I’ve been shut out on all fronts.
Gravel crunches beneath my feet as I scurry between the science building and the dining hall. I only have twenty minutes to grab a smoothie for lunch, then it’s off to my advisor’s office for some last-minute finessing of my honors thesis and scholarship applications. Right after that, I’ll be in the Philosophy building for my elective Morality and Ethics course.
