‘Are you going in?’ Denise asked.
‘I am not,’ Ellen scoffed. ‘The last time I went to a fortune-teller was one summer when I was sixteen and I was nuts about Billy McDonald. And she told me that before I had feasted on my Christmas dinner he would have declared himself to me. She told me I’d be a queen among women and that we’d have two children. If I was still waiting for Billy McDonald to declare himself, I’d be waiting a long time, now wouldn’t I, considering he became a priest.’
‘Did she say what Christmas? Maybe he’ll leave the priesthood for you.’ Denise giggled.
‘Give over. Anyway I don’t believe in that sort of rubbish. You go. I’ll mind the kids,’ Ellen retorted. ‘I’ll take them in to the circus if you want to go and queue.’
‘Are you sure you don’t mind? I’d really like to go to her. I want to see if she’ll tell me what’s going to happen to me and Jimmy.’
‘I don’t mind. Go on,’ Ellen urged. She could understand Denise’s need to try and make sense of the shambles her life had become. If going to a fortune-teller helped, she might as well go to her.
Two hours later, after the circus performance, Ellen and Denise sat in the marquee drinking tea. The children were tucking into a feast of sausage and chips. A rare treat. They were chattering away, ignoring the adults.
‘Well? What was she like?’ Ellen asked, keeping her voice down.
‘Ellen, she was brilliant. I’m telling you.’ Denise was wide-eyed. ‘How could she know about me and Jimmy? She did the cards and picked up on him immediately. She described him to me. She told me how he never looks you in the eye. And you know?’ Denise looked at Ellen. ‘She’s right. He doesn’t. She told me he was immersed in his work. She told me he was having an affair but that he wouldn’t stay with her. Seemingly Wishy-Washy Dowling makes him feel like a child and he finds that exciting. She showed me a card with a child on it. But he’ll end it. She told me he’d come back to me, if I wanted him. But that he’d do the same thing to me again. She said he was an egotistical man with a gamey eye. He’d always have a woman but he’d never commit to one. It was incredible. She showed me another card. It had a hunched-up character looking over his shoulder going past railings, I think. She said that was him sneaking around. Can you believe it?’ Denise was deeply impressed.
‘Did she tell you anything good?’ Ellen was intrigued in spite of herself.
‘Yeah, she said I was going to go into business. And it was going to be successful. She said I’d find peace of mind in my independence.’ Denise made a face. ‘How am I going to go into business? I’ve two daughters to look after and a philandering husband? Maybe it’s just a load of bull, but a lot of the things she told me were very accurate.’
I wonder what she’d say to me? Ellen found herself thinking as she sipped the hot tea and nibbled on a cream slice.
She kept thinking about the fortune-teller all that night and the following day. Stephanie had gone to a school friend’s birthday party and, on impulse, she pulled on her jacket, put on some lipstick, and left the flat to walk to the circus. There were four people ahead of her outside Madam Valda’s caravan.
Ellen was tempted to leave, but she’d made the effort to come so she waited along with the others.
She was calling herself all kinds of a fool when it was finally time for her to enter the spotless caravan with its gay chintz curtains and furniture covers.
‘Sit down, dear,’ Madam Valda instructed. She didn’t look like a fortune-teller, Ellen thought in surprise as she handed over her money. The woman seated in front of her wasn’t wearing a scarf and gypsy earrings. She was middle-aged with grey hair, small and plump. She had kind eyes.
She took Ellen’s palms in her own and scrutinized them intently. Ellen felt a flutter of nervousness.
‘Don’t be afraid, dear. Think of me as a guide. We all have our gifts and this is mine. You’ve had hard times, haven’t you?’
Ellen nodded.
‘You’ve a good lifeline. They’ll have to poison you to get rid of you.’ She smiled at Ellen. She pulled her thumbs. ‘You’ve strong thumbs. You’re tenacious. You don’t give up easily. You’ve a compassionate nature. But you’re too soft, dear. You let your heart rule your head. It should be the other way around. You love very passionately. It’s all or nothing with you.’ She paused and stared intently at Ellen’s palms. ‘A man has hurt you deeply. There’s a child. A little girl. You’re not married.’
Ellen nearly fainted.
Madam Valda looked at her sternly.
‘That man. He is still with you?’
Ellen could only nod.
‘He’s not for you. Get rid of him. Shuffle the cards for me.’ She handed Ellen a large pack of cards. ‘Give them a good shuffle.’ Ellen did as she was instructed.
‘Now.’ Madam Valda took the cards from her and spread them out. ‘Pick fifteen.’ Ellen did so. Madam Valda arranged the fifteen cards that Ellen selected in front of her.
‘Ummm,’ she murmured, fixing her gaze on Ellen. ‘I know you’d love me to say that this man is the man for you, but my dear, he isn’t. The bond between you is deep. He runs to you and he runs from you. He’s a self-centred man who cares only for himself. He doesn’t accept his responsibilities. He lies. He doesn’t mean what he says. He drains you of your energy. As long as he is in your life, you’ll be unhappy. You know that. Don’t you?’
Ellen nodded again. This was uncanny. She was half-afraid of what Madam Valda would say next.
The fortune-teller smiled. ‘There is a deeper love than what you have now, waiting for you. A man with a far stronger character is for you. He will be a great friend first. Friendship will turn to passion but that will only happen when you let that other man go out of your life. He will block you as long as he is with you. He is far too negative. Get rid of him and open the way towards happiness.’
‘When will this happen?’ Ellen asked hesitantly.
‘Whenever you let it.’ Madam Valda smiled. ‘And I see two little females around you. It’s in your palm. You’ll have two more daughters. I also see a life of hard work that will prove very satisfying. Your life is going to change completely, my dear. There is happiness there for you. But first you have to have courage, and for a while, you will suffer grief and pain. It will pass and you’ll be a much stronger person. Now go and have a good life because you die at the end of it.’
Ellen left the caravan utterly astounded. Everything that woman had said to her about herself and Chris was true. It was frightening. But it was exhilarating as well. A deeper love than what she felt now. Could that be possible? Could she ever love anyone the way she’d loved Chris? Well Madam Valda was right about one thing, she’d never be happy as long as he was in her life. It was time to let go. And this time it would be for good.
Ellen was calm when Chris arrived that night. It was as though a burden had lifted. All she had to do was to get over the ordeal of telling him.
‘Hello, light of my life.’ He stood framed in the doorway smiling at her. Her resolve weakened as her heart lifted at the sight of him.
‘Hi, Chris.’ She stood passively in his embrace.
‘What’s wrong?’ He looked at her in surprise. He was used to rapturous greetings.
‘Chris, we have to talk.’
‘Sounds ominous,’ he joked as he followed her upstairs. ‘What have we to talk about?’ He looked suddenly worried. ‘Jesus, you’re not pregnant, are you?’
‘No, nothing like that,’ Ellen said quietly. ‘Chris, I want to end it. I don’t want to see you any more. I don’t want to hear from you. I want to make a fresh start.’
‘What!’ He was astounded.
‘It’s over.’
‘What the hell is wrong with you, Ellen? What do you mean it’s over? You love me. I love you. I need you and you need me.’ Chris gripped her by the arms. ‘Is it because of your mother calling the other night? Love, I’ll be as discreet as I can. I promise.’
‘C
hris, it’s over,’ Ellen reiterated. ‘I can’t live my life like this. I’m not happy. You’re married to Suzy, she has a right to expect a commitment from you. You didn’t love me enough to make that commitment to me.’
‘I made a mistake. I told you. Suzy means nothing. It’s you I want. I love you. How many times do I have to tell you?’
‘Chris, you don’t love me. You don’t value me or the love I have for you. I don’t think you’re capable of loving anyone. You’re too wrapped up in yourself,’ Ellen said quietly.
‘Is this because I wanted you to stay at my place? For Christ’s sake, Ellen, grow up—’
‘No, you grow up,’ she flared. ‘I’m sick of waiting for phone calls. I’m sick of making arrangements and having them broken. I’m sick of looking over my shoulder. I don’t want my daughter to look at me with disrespect in years to come. I have her moral welfare to think about. I’ve been very selfish. And I don’t like it. I have responsibilities to Stephanie whether I like it or not. I’m not going to run away from them, just so I can have a few snatched moments of happiness once or twice a week. There’s more to life and I want it. I want peace of mind again, Chris, and I’ll never have that with you.’
‘But I thought you loved me.’
‘I do. More than you’ll ever know or understand. I love you. You’ll always be in my heart, but I deserve better than you, Chris. You take my love for granted as if it was your due. Well it isn’t. You don’t respect me or cherish me. And I won’t live my life this way any more.’ She took off the ring and handed it back to him.
‘Please go, Chris.’
‘What the fuck has got into you, Ellen?’ Chris couldn’t believe his ears. ‘You love me. You know you do. We’re good together. We talk, we have fun. The sex with you is the best I’ve ever had. And the best you’ve ever had too.’
‘I know all that,’ Ellen said heatedly. ‘But I want more. I want what you won’t give me. I want emotional security. I want to be cherished and made to feel special. I want to share. You know something, Chris. We always talk about you. We never talk about me. My life is an afterthought when you’re around.’
‘You sound like one of those goddamn women’s libbers with their psychobabble and jargon,’ he snapped defensively. ‘I do cherish you. I do make you feel special. If you want me to leave Suzy, I’ll leave her.’
‘I don’t believe that.’ Ellen was shocked. She never thought he’d take that step.
‘Believe it,’ he said fiercely. He bent his head and kissed her. It was an angry passionate kiss.
‘I love you.’ His eyes glittered down into hers.
For a moment she was so tempted to believe it. In his own way, maybe he did love her. She thought of the ring. The cheap token to keep her sweet. It strengthened her wavering resolve.
‘I’m sorry, Chris. I’m sorry. I want you to go. I can’t handle this any more. Please go now and don’t contact me again.’
‘Do you want me to beg? Is that it?’
‘Do you think this is some kind of game I’m playing? You’re so bloody arrogant, Chris. I don’t want you to beg. I just want you out of my life. I want peace. Now go.’
‘I’ll never be out of your life. Stephanie’s my daughter. I have rights.’
‘You have no rights, you bastard,’ Ellen raged. That was low. Typical of Chris. He could dish it out but he couldn’t take it.
‘She’s my daughter. I’ll have my say in her upbringing.’
‘Your name isn’t on her birth certificate. That gives you no rights at all. So you can forget that. If Stephanie wants to have anything to do with you when she’s older, that’s up to her. But by God, Chris, you forfeited any rights over Stephanie the day you walked out on us before she was born. And don’t you dare think I’ll let you near her. It’s over. Now go.’
‘Why are you being such a bitch, Ellen?’ He shook her.
‘Chris, you’re hurting me!’
‘Sorry,’ he muttered, easing his grip.
‘Oh Chris, please go. I don’t want to fight,’ Ellen said wearily. ‘I love you but I can’t go on. I’m tired of it all.’ She felt exhausted. She sat down on the sofa.
Chris looked at her, shocked as he realized that she really did mean what she said. He picked up his briefcase, put the ring in his pocket, turned on his heel and walked out.
‘Oh God! Oh God!’ Ellen swallowed hard. She’d done it. She’d ended it. Her heart was pounding. She was terrified. What if she’d made a mistake? She did love him. Maybe that fortune-teller was wrong. He’d said he’d leave Suzy. That had to mean he loved her.
Think of Stephanie.
Think of the ring.
Think of the night he wanted you to sleep in Suzy’s.
Think of all the times you waited for him and he never showed up.
‘You did the right thing,’ Ellen told herself fiercely. ‘You did the right thing.’ But her heart was breaking.
She doesn’t mean it. She’s probably getting her period or something. That always makes her tetchy. She loves me, she’s crazy about me, Chris kept telling himself as he drove back towards the city.
He was bewildered by her outburst. What had brought this on all of a sudden? He thought she was reasonably happy. She was always very glad to see him. Their passion for each other was stronger than it had ever been. He wanted her. He wanted to be with her. Maybe saying he would leave Suzy was a bit over the top but, if saying it would calm Ellen down a bit, he could always make excuses when it came to the crunch.
She’d seemed so definite about ending it though. He couldn’t believe that Ellen meant what she said. She couldn’t be serious that he wasn’t to have anything to do with Stephanie. He wanted to get to know his daughter. She was a lovely little girl. He hadn’t rushed Ellen about that because he’d hoped, as time went on, Ellen would relent about letting him see her.
This was weird. Totally unexpected. He knew that he made arrangements and sometimes broke them but Ellen had to understand that he didn’t do it on purpose. It was difficult having an affair when he had a wife as suspicious as Suzy was. And he’d thought she did understand . . . until tonight.
Maybe she was feeling neglected. He’d give her a few days to cool off and then he’d bring her back her ring and a bottle of champagne and some flowers. Women loved flowers. He’d bring her red roses. There was no way that Ellen wanted to finish with him, Chris told himself as he headed on to the airport road. He was the love of her life. Ellen had the softest heart of anyone he knew. It was one of the things he loved about her. She couldn’t turn her back on him even if she tried. She’d proved that when she took him back. He wanted to turn the car around and go back to Glenree. He wanted to make love to Ellen and have her tell him that she loved him. They were always extra close after they’d made love.
He pulled up, tempted to do a U-turn and go back the way he’d come. He dithered, which was most unusual for him. What if he went back and she got really mad with him? She was in a funny humour.
But maybe she wanted him to come back. Maybe she regretted her outburst. He waited until there was a gap in the traffic and then he swung back the way he’d come. He was back in Glenree in ten minutes. He felt very confident as he rang the bell. Ellen loved him. This was a misunderstanding they’d soon sort out. Once he had her in his arms, they’d be fine.
Ellen froze when she heard the doorbell. She’d looked out the window and saw Chris’s car across the street. She’d wondered if he’d come back and now, here he was. Ellen knew she was doomed if she let him in. She wouldn’t be strong enough to tell him to go a second time. Because she did love him.
He rang again. She was afraid the bell would wake Stephanie. She ran downstairs. She could see his outline through the glass panel. She was really torn.
‘Go away,’ she whispered. He rang the bell again, this time keeping his finger on the buzzer. That was mean, she thought, suddenly angry. He’d wake Stephanie and he didn’t care. His return showed that he hadn’t taken anythin
g she’d said seriously. Good old Ellen didn’t mean what she said. Well she did. This time she did, she thought grimly. She opened the bell box attached to the wall in the hall and took out the batteries. The ringing ceased although she knew that Chris’s finger was still on the buzzer.
After a while Chris went away. She felt like Judas.
He couldn’t believe it. He’d seen her run downstairs through the frosted glass. He’d felt triumphant. He’d felt horny. But she hadn’t answered the door. He’d rung the bell again and kept his finger on the buzzer and then there’d been silence and he’d known she’d taken the batteries out. She wasn’t going to answer.
It was the worst feeling he’d ever experienced. He felt lost, cast adrift, bereft, afraid, alone . . .
The only time he’d ever felt like that was on the day of his wedding. But that had been mild compared to the way he felt now. He felt like crying. What if Ellen really was serious? He didn’t want to think of a life that didn’t include her. Ellen was the only person in the world that he felt he could tell everything to. There was total intimacy between them. He’d never had that with anyone else. Certainly not Suzy. He never talked to Suzy the way he talked to Ellen. He never shared his secret fantasies with Suzy the way he did with Ellen. Suzy was much more inhibited than Ellen was. She didn’t possess the earthy carnal sensuality that he loved in Ellen. He always felt comforted when he was with Ellen. It wasn’t like that with Suzy. Now that he’d experienced that again he didn’t want to lose it. How could Ellen do this to him? How could she? Was this what they meant by karma? What goes around, comes around.
He’d cruelly and callously dumped Ellen once. And now she was dumping him. And the worst thing was, she wasn’t being vindictive. Because Ellen wasn’t like that. If she’d been vengeful and spiteful, it would have been much easier to cope with. He could have been angry. He could have let himself hate her for causing him such torment. But it wasn’t like that with her at all. She really did mean it when she said she wanted peace of mind even if that meant a life without him. Chris reversed the car and turned in the direction of Dublin. He felt as if his world had just turned upside down. Sadness seeped into every bone. Had he blown it? Ellen had accused him of only loving himself and maybe she was right. But now that he was in danger of losing her, now that she had ended it, Chris knew he loved Ellen more deeply than anyone else in his life. He wouldn’t let her go. He couldn’t. He needed her.
Promises, Promises Page 45
