by Brook Wilder
“Well, thanks anyway. I guess I did need a little help there.”
“You think? That guy looked like he was ready to whoop your ass. Is that normal?”
“I mean, from time to time, you get people who really don’t like being told to wait. I wouldn’t say it happens all the time, but it does happen.” I shrugged.
“Well, c’mon. Let’s get you home.” He put his arm across my shoulders and walked me out to the car. It wasn’t a possessive, boyfriend-type of move. He was simply palling around with me, which was a good sign – no hard feelings from our strained conversation that morning.
On the way out to the car, I finally understood why he was there. It wasn’t because he’d knocked me up. It wasn’t because he had a thing for me – and I for him. It was because I needed the protection. The guy back in the ER was a patient. Imagine if that had been a member of a rival MC like the Wild Kids, I told myself. I wanted to be ten feet tall and bulletproof, just like the guys, but I wasn’t. The threat, as he’d explained to me, was all too real, and I needed to start taking it seriously.
I was a nobody to that jerk inside. To one of my dad’s rivals, I was the president’s daughter, a target. So was the baby in my womb. What kind of mess had I gotten myself into? I was supposed to be cleaning up and reorganizing my life, not complicating it further.
Dax stopped me at the car, his hand on the passenger side door. He pulled off his shades to look at me with those arresting eyes. He let go of the door without opening it and put his hands on my shoulders.
“Hey, I know we have a lot going on between us right now, whether we talk about it or not, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re family. You’re part of the MC, whether you like it or not, Fawn, and I know you don’t, but it means we’ve all got your back, no matter what. You have the support of every person in the club, and we’re here to look out for you. I feel like that needs to be said.”
He opened the door for me and waited while I sat down in the car before closing the door and walking around. While I watched him, I thought about what he’d said. We were all family, and I was going to need my family soon.
“I’m sorry, Dax. I’ve been taking you and everyone else for granted.” I started as soon as he sat down, before he even put the key in the ignition.
“Don’t sweat it. We always take family for granted.” He laughed while he talked. “That’s what family is, right? You’re not supposed to worry about us being there. It’s supposed to be a given that you’ll have us at your back in any situation, right? It’s the same if we’re talking about college, a new job, a failed relationship, or even . . . being pregnant.”
The pause told me what he was really thinking about, why he’d brought it up. Dax cared about me; there never was a question about that. The question was whether or not he could care for me the way I wanted him to, that romantic devotion everyone wanted from their partner. I’d seen that in him once, but when he’d told me how he lost it . . . . I didn’t know if it was possible for him to really give himself over to it again.
I was waiting to see him with some random girl he’d picked up from a bar or something. I knew if I held out long enough, the night we shared would fade from his mind – of course, my swelling stomach was eventually going to challenge that, but I had faith in his hormones. Eventually his needs would outweigh his feelings. It was only a matter of time.
“I guess what I’m saying is this: whatever you decide is best, I’m here. We’ll all be here, but if we’re not together, don’t tell your dad I’m the father.” He reached over and nudged me with his elbow.
“No doubt.” It was amusing, but I didn’t laugh. I was too deep in thought.
“Hey, what’s going on over there? What are you thinking about?” Dax could hear my silence better than some people heard my words.
“All of this. Us, the baby, you, me, the Carolina Devils. Work. Like, I’m going to have to take maternity leave at some point. I’ve only been there a few months, and I’m already talking about having to take time off for a kid. Who does that?” I shook my head, realizing I was thinking out loud.
“People do that, Fawn. Life happens, man. You can’t put the world on hold just because you started a new job, you know? I’m sure they understand it at work. I mean, where do people normally end up when life takes over and interrupts their daily routine?”
“Yeah, you’re right. The irony, of course, is that because we’re there for people when that happens, we don’t have time for it to happen to us.”
“You’ll be fine. Remember, you’ve got a pretty big family to support you, and we’re prepared to do whatever it takes.”
I didn’t know what had gotten into Dax while I was at work, but I liked it. He was supportive, not pushy. He was starting to sound more like the old-timers. Then again, he spent most of his time around those guys. The younger guys, from what I’d seen, didn’t put as much stock into the whole family bit, but it was inevitable as they spent more time around the older members; they would eventually start talking about the MC as a family.
Now, when he started talking about us as a family, that would be a different story, I told myself. That would imply he was ready to start looking at what could be a little more seriously. I wondered if all his talk of family on the way home from the hospital was some sort of precursor to that. What if he was ready now but didn’t know how to bring it up?
“Here, let me get your door.” We pulled up to the condo, and he hurried around to my side of the car to help me out. That was a first. I rarely had anyone get the door for me as I got out.
“Look at you, being a gentleman and everything.” I laughed as I stood up.
“I’m a biker, not a barbarian.”
“There’s a difference?” I cocked an eyebrow. He knew I was messing with him.
“Maybe. I’m working on it.” He winked.
After months of going through the motions and avoiding each other, I let him walk me up from the car. He even got the door for me. As he ushered me into my home, he poked his head in and looked around.
“Checking for intruders?” I asked him.
“You never know. You spooked me this morning when you didn’t answer the door or your phone. I mean, I know now what the problem was, but still. And this evening at work? It was like round two, you know? So, yeah, I’m inclined to take a few extra precautions to make sure you’re safe.”
“Well, come on in. You’ve already seen it all.” I laughed. “Knock yourself out, Dax.”
He reached behind his back like he was about to pull his gun, but I saw the thought of having it out in front of me cross his face. He kept his hand back, probably resting it on the gun, but he didn’t draw it – at least not in front of me. He crept past me, but I stayed by the door while he investigated the house. I trusted his instincts when it came to threats like the Wild Kids – more than I trusted my dad’s, because he was likely to be overprotective.
“Downstairs is good.” He tilted his head back, letting me know I could leave the entry way as he took the stairs.
I remembered that morning – the phone vibrating on the counter by the bathroom sink when he texted me, and again when he called, feeling helpless when I couldn’t reach it, and the moment he came to the door to find me sitting in front of the toilet. I couldn’t think of a lower point in my life in recent history. But, it was like we’d said in the car, these things had a way of revealing themselves eventually. I figured it was probably for the best that he’d found out when he did.
“Upstairs is good.” He came back down, putting his gun away as he approached me.
“Good. I’m glad there are no boogeymen waiting on me. Oh, did you check the bedroom closet? I heard something in there last night.” I narrowed my eyes suspiciously.
He shook his head and cracked up. “What am I going to do with you, Fawn? You don’t take any of this seriously, do you?”
“Oh, come on, Dax. You know how it is. I’m only playing with you. Somebody’s gotta bust yo
ur chops, keep that ego in check.”
“And that’s your job, huh?” He put an arm around my neck and pulled me close to him, giving me a good one-armed embrace.
It had always been my job. And it was the best job I’d ever had. Too bad there wasn’t much pay, or else I would have done it full-time.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Dax
“What are you doing for dinner?” I looked down into her eyes as I released her from our embrace.
“I don’t know. I’m probably going to order in, why?”
“Okay, what are you in the mood for? My treat.”
“No.” She shook her head, but then she stopped and looked at me like she didn’t hear me clearly. “What?”
“I’m buying. What do you want?”
“Something we can have delivered. I don’t feel much like going out,” she said, and understandably so. She’d had a long day, and she already didn’t feel that great.
“Okay, so pizza? Chinese?”
“Mmm, Chinese sounds good. I could kill some sweet and sour chicken right now.”
“Fried rice?”
“You know it.” She still looked at me like she couldn’t believe I was really going to order food for her – for us, really, but I didn’t know if that was clear to her yet. We needed to talk, and food provided the best vehicle I could think of for a conversation like the one we needed to have.
“Go ahead and get changed then. I’ll order our food.” I nodded up the stairs.
“It’s like that?”
“Yeah. I figured after this morning, we could use the opportunity to talk. And after what you put up with today at work, you could certainly use some pampering. So, leave the food to me, and handle whatever you need to handle while we wait.”
Her smile lit up her whole face, and the glow I’d seen on her that morning returned, shining through the stress and exhaustion she must have been feeling. She looked happy, genuinely happy. That was everything I could have asked for at that moment.
“Go,” I urged her as I took out my phone to make the call. I was going to make sure I ordered enough food so she would have some left over for a couple of days. I didn’t want her to have to worry about cooking or ordering in, or anything like that.
She made her way back downstairs a few minutes after the food arrived. I was in the kitchen, sorting out what had been in the bags the delivery boy brought to the door. We had enough to feed a small army. I didn’t know anything about pregnancy, but I did know that at some point, she was going to be hungry. She was going to be eating for two, and regardless of where I stood in her eyes, I was going to make sure neither one of them went hungry.
“Right on time,” I announced as she came into the kitchen.
“My god, Dax, how much did you order?” She looked around at the food like she was in heaven.
“Enough, I hope. You’re probably going to have some leftovers.”
“I’ll say. Where do I start?”
“Wherever you want.” I stepped back and held my hand out, gesturing at the spread on the counter and the stove. I grabbed a plate from the cupboard and handed it to her.
“Thank you, Dax.” She hugged me and planted a quick little kiss on my cheek.
“Not a problem. It’s what family does, right?” I didn’t say anything until she was already getting her food, and then I spoke under my breath.
I sighed while I watched her get her food and go to the table. I’d been thinking a lot all day about everything we’d talked about that morning, everything we didn’t talk about, and all the questions swirling around in my head. Luckily, there hadn’t been a whole lot to do around the clubhouse, because I’d spent the day busy in my head.
I sat down at the table with my plate and dove in with a fork while she used her chopsticks. She laughed at me and covered her mouth while she ate. She pointed at my fork with the chopsticks in her fingers.
“What? I’ve never mastered chopsticks. So what? Worry about your food.” I pointed with my fork at her plate, but she didn’t stop laughing. It was infectious, and a moment later I was cracking up with her.
“I can show you.”
“You have shown me before. You and about a hundred other people. Let’s just eat and enjoy our meal.” I tried to affect a mellow tone, even putting my hands out to the sides like I was meditating.
“Nah, you’re not getting off that easily.” She got up and grabbed another set of sticks from the bag.
“Fawn, c’mon, man.”
We kept having these little episodes where everything was so utterly normal between us. It was like she’d never left. There’d never been a Frank or a Lilian. In the morning, when I showed back up at the clubhouse, my dad would be there, fresh off his morning run with Micah, the three of them taking a shot of whiskey to start the day – my dad, Micah, and Dan. Unfortunately, that was only how it felt. We weren’t really back there. All those things had happened, but when it was just us, being us, it was like none of it mattered. And maybe that was the point.
I tried again, for the millionth time, to use the chopsticks, but it ended in disaster. There was rice all over the table, a piece of chicken on the floor, and one in my lap. Fawn sat back in her chair, laughing so hard tears were streaming down her face. I wasn’t even frustrated. If it made her laugh, it was good in my book. Finally, though, she gave in and let me go back to using a fork.
“Thanks for that. That was a good laugh.” She nodded and went back to her food, using her chopsticks as naturally as I used my fork. Oh well.
We ate in silence for a few minutes after that, enjoying our food. But the longer the silence settled between us, the less comfortable it felt. The laughter faded, and what was left were words that had remained unsaid for too long.
“Look, there’s a reason I’ve been talking about family a lot this evening.”
“I figured as much.”
“Yeah, I spent the day thinking about us and the baby.” My heart slowed down, as if scared to beat too quickly or too hard. It paused like it was waiting to hear what I had to say.
“Did you come to any conclusions?” Fawn took her time eating, letting our conversation take precedence over the food. She didn’t look up from her plate, though, the expression on her face easily a physical representation of my slowed, cautious pulse.
“Yeah, I’ve decided I like the idea of having a little tyke running around.”
She coughed, covering her mouth again, like she was choking. She looked up at me and cleared her throat. I could see the same sparkle in her eyes she got whenever she smiled or laughed, though she wasn’t doing either.
“You sure?”
“Yeah, a little mini-me, or mini-you.”
“God that’s terrifying,” she blurted out.
“Which one?” I chuckled.
“Both. Can you imagine? I mean, really. Imagine it.” Her eyes grew wide with exaggerated mock-terror.
“Yeah, I’ve been imagining it all day. But what I can’t imagine is having them running around the clubhouse. That’s no place to raise a kid.”
“Don’t we know it? And thank you.” She reached across and rested her hand on mine, giving it a gentle squeeze.
I figured she would have agreed with me on the clubhouse. We’d both grown up there, and even though we had turned out mostly fine – I didn’t see where any of our problems stemmed from growing up in the Carolina Devils – we both would have agreed that our childhood hadn’t been the most appropriate or conventional. Of course, if I was going to be involved in my child’s life, I was going to have to find an alternative to the clubhouse.
“I’m thinking about looking into getting a condo here in your neighborhood,” I told her.
Again, she shot me that same dumbfounded look, like I had thrown her a curveball. Surely, she had to know me better than to be surprised by my willingness to make changes when necessary. Her face was animated enough, however, to make her reactions comical, at least.
“That’s not a bad idea, but
I can’t ask you to make any changes like that, Dax.”
“You’re not asking, and I haven’t made any changes yet. These are things I’m thinking I should do so I can be there for our kid. So I can be here.”
“Still, that’s huge.”
“That’s why I’ve been thinking about it all day. That’s why I didn’t say anything about it this morning. Yeah, it’s a big change, but when you really stop to think about it, it’s not much to ask when we’re talking about getting ready for a child to enter our lives.”
I looked away and took a deep breath. This was pretty heavy stuff, and I felt like I was diving in head first. I needed to take a moment to collect my thoughts before continuing, and maybe give her a moment to say something about it.
