by Brook Wilder
“What makes you think it’s going to be a him? We could be having a baby girl, you know. Ever think of that?”
"Christ, don't say that to me. I swear to God if I have a baby girl it'll give me a heart attack every day."
“I bet it will,” I scoffed, reaching across the car’s console and intertwining our fingers without even really thinking about what I was doing, “it’ll be like karmic retribution.”
“Karmic retribution, huh? Look at you, lady. You’re all jokes today.”
“I do what I can.”
"I can see that. Now, about that question, you asked me a couple of minutes ago. Whether or not I was ready for this, I think it was?"
“That was the question. Good listening.”
“I try. And the answer is yes. I’m ready for this, Fawn. I’ve got this. I’m just wondering if you’re ready for it. You seem to be the one with all the nerves in this situation.”
I could feel him watching me, could feel his strangely penetrating eyes locked in on my face while I fought to come up with an answer. People could say what they wanted about the kinds of men drawn in by a life in the Carolina Devils, and for some of them, they would be mostly right. Some of them were basically thugs who had been given a position with which to make that part of them legitimate. A lot of them, though, they were way better at reading people than your average guy. When Dax decided to read my face, he meant to be successful at it.
“You’re right. I’m nervous.”
“Is it because it’s me?”
“Are you kidding me? It’s because I’m about to tell my Dad I’m pregnant. I don’t think that’s a weird thing to be nervous about, especially since a far as he knows I’m not sleeping with anyone. I’m surprised you aren’t more nervous yourself.”
“Maybe I should be, but I’m not. It just feels right to me, you know? It feels right.”
“Well then let’s just go ahead and get it over with, okay? Because the suspense is killing me, even if you’ve decided to go all zen on me.”
“Your wish is my command, darling. Let’s do it.”
Dax opened the door to my car, and I followed his lead, getting out on legs that felt like they were made out of jello. I had fought with Dax about how we were going to do this, making the argument that I didn't need him to come with me to deliver the news to my Dad. I had tried to tell him that I was a big girl and that I had been doing things on my own and in my own way for a long time now. I didn't need a man to help me along my way. He had shot right back, telling me that he didn't think I needed anything like that from him but that he was coming all the same. It was his reminder that this wasn't all about me, that I hadn't made a baby on my own, that had taken the argument right out of me. I had spent the last couple of days secretly resenting what I saw as his intrusion, but now I was over the moon thrilled to have him there with me. If he hadn't been, there was a very real chance that I wouldn't have told my Dad a single thing. I would probably have turned on my heels and ran, and wouldn't that have been a fun conversation to have with Dax after the fact?
“Dax, my man!” Micah greeted us as soon as we were through the front door, clapping Dax heartily on the back and tipping me an exaggerated salute and bow, “Didn’t know you were coming by the club today!”
“Yeah, it wasn’t really planned.”
“Didn’t know you were bringing the boss’ daughter, either.”
“I have a name, you know,” I said hotly to Micah, not particularly appreciating his reminding everyone within earshot that I was technically supposed to be off limits, “one I actually prefer to boss’ daughter.”
“Sorry, Fawn, my bad. For the love of God, don’t turn that crazy temper in my direction.”
"Well then don't put your foot in your mouth," I snapped back, wincing a little at the genuinely hurt look on Micah's face as I spoke, "and do me a favor and tell me where my dad is."
“How come?”
"Because I need to talk to him."
“Do you have an appointment?”
“No, he’s my dad. Do I need one?”
No, I was just asking. Hey, is everything cool? You guys both look like you’re about to fucking explode. Is there something going on? Something the club needs to know about?”
“No, everything’s fine. Just tell me where my dad is.”
“He’s in his office. Give me one second, alright? I’ll let him know you two are here.”
I opened my mouth to tell Micah that I didn't need a formal announcement to see my own father but before I could say anything Dax put a cautionary hand on my shoulder. Micah went to warn my dad that we were coming and Dax gave me a worried, sideways glance.
“Babe, you’ve gotta calm down.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I’m talking about you biting Micah’s head off. I know you’re probably hormonal or something, but -”
“Oooh, don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Call me hormonal. That is not the way to get out of this alive.”
“Okay, my bad. But maybe try and tone down the aggressive thing you’ve got going. Unless you’re just trying to scare the shit out of everyone.”
Before I had a chance to volley back an answer, one that would have undoubtedly have been sarcastic and scathing, Micah returned and led us to my dad's office. He had been sitting behind his oversized desk, one I remembered playing behind when I was a little girl, but the second we entered the room, he stood quickly. He had a grave, almost angry look on his face and without saying a word, he rushed towards me and gave me a big bear hug. When he finally let go, just before he managed to completely crush me, he looked at both Dax and me closely.
“What’s the matter?”
“Dad, come on, nothing’s the matter.”
“Really? Because you could have fooled me. Micah interrupted a very important phone call to tell me that you and Dax need to speak to me, urgently. To me, that sounds like something’s the fucking matter.”
“Well, as awesome as it was of Micah to upset you like that -”
"He was just a little overzealous," Dax interrupted smoothly, not looking at me by conveying his message loud and clear all the same. I was primed and ready for a conflict. I had been before we even walked through the door and if I wasn't careful, I was going to be the cause of said conflict all on my own.
“Good, I guess. I thought we were about to go to fucking war or something. You sure everything’s okay? Nothing with the Wild Cats?”
“No, Dan, nothing like that. We just needed to talk to you about something. Or rather Fawn needs to tell you something, I guess.”
And there it was, the moment I had been dreading. Ever since realizing that I was pregnant I had known this was coming but knowing and actually living it were two different animals entirely. I had told Dax that if he was going to come along, I wanted to be the one to actually break the news to my dad but now I found myself wishing that I hadn't been such a hardass. Truth be told, I wanted none of this to be happening at all. God help me, I wanted not to have a baby on the way, not to have to deal with any of this.
“Well come on, Fawn,” my dad’s desperate sounding voice broke through my thoughts, “go on and say what you need to say. The two of you are fixing to give me a heart attack.”
“Okay, Dad, but you have to promise me not to freak out.”
“No can do. I’ll promise to try. That’s the best I can do.”
“Okay, but really try, because it’s not good for me. The stress, I mean. It’s not good for the baby.”
“Not good for the - wait, are you trying to tell me you’re pregnant right now?”
“I am indeed. That is the big news of the day.”
"Who the hell is the father?!" Red in the face, my dad, stared at me like he thought his eyes alone could find the answer to his question. When I looked in Dax's direction Dad's eyes followed mine, and after a minute I could see the understanding register in his face.
“That takes some
balls, boy, knocking my little girl up.”
“Dad-”
"No, Fawn, this part is between Dax and me here. Didn't I tell you she was off limits? That she wasn't like one of those sluts that like to hang around the clubhouse?"
“You did, Dan, and I don’t see her that way. You’ve gotta know that. Fawn’s different. She’s special. She’s been special to me since we were kids. I know you had to have seen that, even when we were growing up.”
“Okay, yes, I saw that. Doesn’t mean I wanted you to get her pregnant, Dax. Jesus, what the fuck were the two of you thinking?”
“We weren’t, I guess. We were just glad to see each other again. And we care about each other. We care about each other a whole hell of a lot.”
"You've got one thing going for you, boy, and it's the thing that's going to save your ass." Dad started to pace around the room as he spoke, every bit as agitated as a caged lion in a zoo, and I watched the showdown between he and Dax mesmerized as if I were watching a movie instead of part of my own life. Dad hadn't tried to kill Dax yet, so that was good. All in all, things were actually going better than I had anticipated, which made me a whole different kind of nervous.
“What’s that, Dan?”
“I know you can take care of her. And I know where to find you if you don’t.”
“Very true. I’m not going anywhere, Dan. You have to know that. I’m going to take care of her. I’m going to take care of them both.”
“So what now? Are the two of you going to get married?”
“No, nothing like that. No marriage.”
"Alright, so tell me how it's going to go." The two of them continued to discuss my future as if I had no say in it, but after the marriage comment, I might as well have left the room. I couldn't hear anything else that was said, couldn't hear anything but the sound of blood rushing through my ears. It wasn't that I had been expecting a proposal but hearing how quickly Dax had denied the idea of marriage sent me into a tailspin. Because maybe I was going about this all wrong. I'd been operating under the assumption that Dax really did care about me but after hearing how quickly he could cast me aside, I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure about anything anymore.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Dax
“So are you going to tell me what’s wrong or what?”
“What a lovely way to start a conversation, Dax. Such a prince.”
"Look, Fawn. I'm not trying to piss you off; I swear to God I'm not, but you're not giving me a whole lot to work with here. You can tell me that everything's fine all you want but you're obviously lying. Why don't you just tell me, so I don't have to dig it out of you? Save us both some time?"
Fawn didn't say a word, just stared out the window at the passing scenery. As for me, I had to resist the urge to beat the shit out of my steering wheel while I drove. Maybe I was a fucking idiot, but I had actually expected this to be a good car ride, one where we could both be happy about our success. I had come into the clubhouse half expecting Dan just to kill me right then and there. When he hadn't done that I had been pretty sure we were on the right track. By the time Fawn and I had walked out the doors, and back to her car, I had felt almost high with relief. I wouldn't have gone so far as to say Dan was happy that I'd knocked his little girl up but he didn't seem to want to kill me anymore, either, and that was a start. He had actually looked like he might be happy about having his first grandchild, going so far as to call Micah into his office and tell him that there would have to be some research done on how to plan a baby shower. It could have gone a hell of a lot worse and yet there was Fawn, sulking beside me as if she'd just been fucking disowned.
“You comfortable?” I asked her as cheerfully as I could manage, deciding to use the tactic of denial instead of trying to get to the bottom of why Fawn was acting like such a grade-a bitch, “Is the air okay?”
“It’s fine.”
“Because I can make it cooler if -”
“I said I’m fine, Dax. I don’t need anything changed.”
“Right,” I said with clenched teeth, right on the edge of what I could tolerate at this point, “okay. Hey, that was something with your Dad though, right?”
“How do you mean?”
“I don’t know, all of it, I guess. I thought he was going to kill me for a second. Did you see his eyes? I’ve seen that expression in his eyes plenty of times before and I know what it means. It means somebody’s about to get fucked up.”
"Really? I wouldn't know. I made a habit of not knowing that kind of thing about him, as you well know." She wouldn't look at me when she spoke, and even though her tone was easy enough, I was no fool. Fawn and I had known each other for all of our lives, plenty of time for me to have figured out what she was like when she was good and pissed off. What I couldn't figure out was whether or not she wanted me to try to draw the reason out of her, ask a bunch of leading questions until she cracked open like an egg. Plenty of chicks wanted that kind of thing, and a lot of dudes probably went for it, too, but I wasn't a lot of dudes. I wasn't about to beg her for information. If she wanted to play a game, I was ready. This car ride could turn into an emotional game of chicken for all I cared.
“True, I know that about you. But that look was your dad’s murder look. So now you know.”
“Excellent.”
“And how about that shit with Micah?”
“What about him? Are you referring to him refusing to let me see Dad without him announcing my arrival first?”
“No, but you had your own murder look when he did that. Come to think of it, the two of you have some uncomfortable similarities when you get pissed off.”
“Sure,” she said dully, her body language getting nastier with each mile that rolled by, “whatever you say.”
“What I was talking about,” I continued, using every ounce of self-control to keep from reacting the way I knew she expected me to, “was the whole baby shower thing. Can you imagine that shit? Dan and Micah and the rest of them getting together to plan a fucking baby shower? What a fucking trip.”
“Yeah, that’s not going to happen.”
"I think it is, though. You heard them. They may not have any idea what they're talking about, but they sounded excited as shit by the time we left. They're going to have the whole place in streamers. Shit, they may even come up with some of those games you chicks play."
“Games?”
"Sure, games. Don't ask me which ones because I've never been to a baby shower, but I've heard some of the guys' old ladies talk about that kind of chick stuff. They always have weird games."
“Yeah, well, like I said. Not happening.”
“Why not?”
“For starters, I didn’t give anybody permission to tell the whole damned lot of Devils that I was pregnant. I don’t know what made Dad think it was okay to start telling people without my permission, but it wasn’t.”
“Come on, Fawn, that’s not cool. He was just excited.”
“Secondly,” she continued as if she hadn’t heard a word I said, her voice taking on a hard edge I didn’t like the sound of, “if you or anyone else thinks I’m going to have a baby shower in the freaking clubhouse, you're out of your minds. I don't know if you forgot, but I'm not one of you. I don't have any desire to be one of you. I want as little to do with the Carolina Devils as possible, and that means there's not a chance in hell that I would want a baby shower with a bunch of bikers and their ‘old ladies.' No way. Absolutely not."
Fawn was a good woman, I knew that, but at the moment she might as well had delivered a swift punch to my dick. It would probably have hurt less if she had just done that instead of talking the way she was. Every member of the Devils knew how she had felt about us growing up and she had come back home feeling that same way. Stupid me, though, I had actually started to believe that her mind was starting to change. I had thought that being around me day in and day out would have shown her that we weren't bad, that we weren't all the dumb assholes she'd always figured us to be. Even
if our brief exchanges with me playing bodyguard hadn't done it, I would have thought whatever was happening between the two of us would. Finding out now that she still had so much hatred and even worse, contempt, for us as a club was a rough blow. It felt like shit and pissed me off at the exact same time. Because like it or not, she wasn't just talking about a bunch of criminal assholes that didn't mean anything. She was talking about my family, my brothers. They were at least as much my family as they were hers and I had no problem making that claim. I didn't give a shit if Dan was her dad. At least I had never abandoned him. I had never decided I was too good for him and his people and gone running off as far away as I could get. I never had and never would be so delusional as to believe that I was better than the men of the Devils, some of the finest men I had ever met. I had let myself believe that Fawn was passed that kind of thinking, too. Now I wasn't so sure it hadn't been wishful thinking on my part. The kind of thinking my pops had liked to say was done with the prick instead of the head.
