by Julie Frayn
August handed Guy the rest of Reese’s slice.
He looked up at her, hesitated, and then took it. “Really? Don’t you want it?”
“No, I’m good. You go ahead.” Why did he look so confused? “Oh, and here.” She dug the shirt out of the thrift store bag and tossed it in his lap.
“You got me a shirt? Like, bought it for me?”
“Yeah. Yours is ruined. It’s the least I could do after you carried him everywhere. I couldn’t have done that.”
His brows knit and he cocked his head to one side. Then he broke out into a wide smile. He stripped off his bloody shirt, balled it up and tossed it aside, then pulled on the new one and looked down at himself. “Cool.”
When they finished the pizza, they cleaned and redressed Reese’s wounds like the doctor had instructed. Reese didn’t wake up or even stir when they took the tape off his skin and rubbed his cuts with alcohol wipes.
She covered his shoulders with his new jacket and kissed his forehead. They spent the rest of the evening just sitting there, eating strawberries and beef jerky and watching Reese sleep.
When dusk turned to night, Amber stood and stretched. “Are you ok if we go crash somewhere more comfortable? We’ll come back in the morning.”
“Yeah, we’ll be fine. Thanks.” She smiled at them. “Both of you.”
Amber crouched and hugged August with one arm then winked before turning to leave.
Guy flashed a half-hearted peace sign, then he and Amber strolled away side-by-side.
August lay down next to Reese. She lifted his hand into hers, lacing her fingers through his, and stared past the bridge deck into space. She looked for some sign of celestial light in the sky. This was the kind of night she’d told Reese about that first day they met. The kind of night her family would lie out in the field and try to name the constellations, wish on shooting stars. Maybe they were doing that right at that moment. Without her. In the perfect darkness of a country night.
Damn the dock lights and electric glow from the city’s billion watts.
Chapter 30
My darling August,
When I was a girl, all I wanted to do was break free. My parents were so strict. Their rule was I was not allowed to date until I was eighteen. I had to attend every church service, every event, every committee meeting, every picnic, every damn thing with them. You think I make you wear lame clothes? I’ll show you pictures that will curl your hair.
They had their eye on a boy in our church they wanted me to marry one day. I hated that boy. There really wasn’t anything wrong with him. I only hated him because it was what they wanted, with no thought to my own desires, my own dreams. I was not an extension of them. I was my own person. They didn’t see it. They didn’t see me.
They didn’t wake up until I was seventeen. The year after I met your father. I knew when I saw him he would set me free. I dated him behind their backs. When I left home, left their Mormon church to be with him – they saw me then. But they didn’t like what they saw. We didn’t speak for almost two years. Then slowly, inch by inch, we found middle ground. I’m happy for that. They are wonderful people. They just aren’t me, you know?
Of course you know. I am committing the same offense with you. When you are older, have children of your own, you may understand why. In my heart I feel I am being a good mother, guiding you through the dangers of growing up, giving you boundaries and responsibilities. But in doing that, I lost sight of who you are. That you are your own person, and not an extension of me.
I’m awake, August. I can see you now.
Please come home. I will always love you. I will never abandon you – no matter what.
Love, Mom
Caraleen slid the folded letter under August’s pillow. She patted the bear’s head and touched one finger to its nose. Then she crossed the darkened hallway to her room, lay down next to her husband and curled into his warm back.
Chapter 31
Reese stirred and turned onto his side, opened his eyes a little at a time and reconnected with his world. August was there beside him, sound asleep atop their shared blanket. His jacket slipped from his shoulders and landed between them. He picked it up and went to lay it over her, but stopped and held it out for inspection instead. It felt different. It looked different. It wasn’t his.
He sat up, careful to not disturb her. His pulse throbbed in his ears and his mouth was full of sand. In the pre-dawn darkness, the clean white of the fresh bandages on his arm glowed in the dock lights. He ran his fingers over them then squeezed his wrist. Sharp pain raced up his forearm.
He pressed his palms to both temples. He had wandered the alleys, drinking a bottle of bourbon he’d stolen from an all-night market. He’d left her lying here was that yesterday morning? He looked at the bandages again. Broken glass, slashing cuts, a sluice of blood, then cleansing, liberating pain flashed through his mind. He’d blown it. Again. How did he get back here?
August snorted in her sleep and rolled over, turning away from him.
She must have found him. Gotten him help, bandaged his wounds and brought him home. Brought him back. He picked up the jacket. Did she get this for him? Why would she do that? He was such a fuck-up. His life was a total disaster. He couldn’t even kill himself right. How many times had he tried?
He crept into the bush and grabbed his toothbrush and paste, then sneaked down to the river. He scrubbed his teeth and tongue. The brisk mint cleansed his mouth and cleared his head. He stripped off his clothes and washed in the freezing water, careful not to soak the bandages. Then he dressed, slipped back up to their spot, and slid onto the cardboard next to her feet.
He stared at her back, admired the delicate curve of her spine, the inviting angle of her hip. Her wonderfully messed-up hair. The outside was easy to appreciate, but what was going on in her head? She dated so he didn’t have to – sold her virginity for fuck’s sake. She took care of him when he tried to commit suicide, even though he’d left her behind. Abandoned her.
He picked up the jacket, stroked the clean, soft denim, folded it, and placed it in his lap. She bought him a gift. No one had ever bought him a gift before. Why couldn’t he read her mind, see her thoughts? Be inside of her head? See himself through her eyes? What did she see? Why did she care what happened to him? He just didn’t get it.
It’s not like he hadn’t had girls before. They came and they went and he didn’t give a rat’s ass. Every one of them was a short distraction, fast becoming an intrusion into his family. August was different. She never intruded. He wasn’t bored and doubted he ever would be. He longed to be close to her, take care of her, keep her safe. Hold her. Kiss her. He wanted to kiss her all day long. Christ, he’d only known her a few weeks. What the hell was wrong with him?
She shifted in her sleep, turned onto her back and breathed a deep sigh.
A rush of warmth flowed through his veins. He didn’t know what he felt, didn’t know why he felt it. But he knew how to show it. Would she be ready for that? Would she still want him at all after what she’d gone through? What he’d put her through? The fact that he even cared what she wanted was new to him.
He watched her sleep, listened to her breathe, and waited for her and the sun to rise. Between the cold water, the clean teeth, and his open heart, he was invigorated. Alive. Maybe for the first time.
Chapter 32
August slit her eyes, and then little by little, opened them fully. The sky was saturated in vibrant shades of orange and mauve, the rising sun just peering over the horizon across the river.
She reached out to Reese but her hand found only the empty blanket. Adrenaline shocked her awake and she sat up.
He was right there, sitting at the end of the cardboard, the new jacket folded neatly in his lap. Except for the bandages wrapped around his left arm he looked like himself again, his eyes bright and alive. A cleansing relief washed over her, her head light and giddy, her body drained of tension.
He stared at her with un
abashed intensity, grinning like he knew a secret she didn’t but was busting at the seams to tell her.
She ran a hand through her hair to flatten the bed head, her cheeks hot under his scrutiny, and smiled. “Morning. Are you all right?”
Without a word he set down the jacket, shuffled forward and kneeled next to her. He cradled her head in his hands and stared down into her eyes, his face just inches from hers. A gentle kiss landed on her forehead, then brushed one cheek and then the other.
She closed her eyes, awash in heat, every nerve on high alert. With each searing touch of his lips to her skin he branded her. She was his.
His kiss was a feather stroke on each of her eyelids before gliding down her nose. When their lips touched they froze, suspended, breathless.
She opened her eyes and gazed into his. The rising sunlight slivered across his face turning one eye from cool ice to a shock of electric cornflower.
Of all the kisses they’d shared, this was different. She stood on a precipice. One step forward plunged her into a splendorous abyss from which she would never want to be rescued. Her head demanded she take one step back – but her heart was about to explode. To hell with the head. The heart would have its way.
She tilted her head and parted her lips. The response was immediate and overwhelming. All of her senses were enveloped in a consuming, passionate, open-mouthed kiss. No tongue down her throat, no grab-hands copping a feel. Just slow, sensuous, devouring kissing for countless minutes, her entire body aching, arms and legs trembling, heart racing.
Without releasing her kiss he eased her down to the ground until she was lying on her back, him propped up on one elbow, his other hand resting on her hip. She covered his hand with hers and guided it over her shirt, inching along her body until he was cupping one breast over her clothes. They froze and opened their eyes simultaneously. His breath seemed to cease completely and then start again in quick shallow puffs of warm air, their mixed breath an intoxicating cocktail in her mouth.
He released her long enough to reach back and one-arm his shirt off. He tossed it aside, then stripped her shirt over her head and off of her arms in one fluid movement. He bent and kissed her, their eyes open and staring, neither blinking. Then he ran his hand along her naked torso and slid it inside her bra.
An adrenaline rush burst in her belly and flooded her entire body, every inch of her on fire. Her heart hurt from pounding so hard, her legs jelly.
A reckless fury followed, both of them pulling off clothes from themselves and each other. Urgency and desperation resulted in an awkward tangle of limbs and skin, lips and breath.
He rolled on top of her, staring down into her face, and hesitated. He pulled her hips toward him, careful to just touch himself to the outside of her. “I…. I don’t have –” He swallowed. “Protection.”
She stared up at him, her gaze locked on those bewitching eyes. Every fiber of her being, every tingling nerve ending, every thought that raced through her brain insisted she be his. She put her hands on his shoulders, wrapped her legs around his backside and pulled him inside. She ignored the pain that rippled through her abdomen.
“August, we should get some condoms.”
“Don’t stop. Please?” She drew him in again and again until he no longer needed encouragement.
She closed her eyes, mesmerized by the feel of his skin on hers, immersed in all of him. This was how sex was supposed to be. Passion, desire, heat. Love.
This was her first time. Nothing else mattered. The past two days no longer existed. Everything started now.
When they finished, he lay on top and inside of her. He wrapped her in his arms, their hearts beating against each other’s chests, and then slowly and tenderly kissed every inch of her face.
*****
August sat on the rock next to Reese. She analyzed every movement of his jaw when he bit into a cinnamon bun and chewed the sticky treat, sheer pleasure written on his face. She scrutinized every flick of eyelash, every flinch of muscle, every lick of his lips. When he sucked orange juice through a straw sending his Adam’s apple jumping with each gulping swallow, her entire torso ached.
He finished his breakfast then put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her into him. They shared a long kiss.
Her entire world was atilt. His simple glance sent tremors through her heart. His touch was painless heat that burned long after he pulled away. Kissing him released her into an oblivious chasm of joy. She was drenched in feelings she didn’t know how to process, drowning in sensations she had never known before. The sudden absence of his lips from hers snapped her back to the rock. She opened her eyes to find his glinting gaze watching her. Her cheeks burned and she turned away, certain he was reading her mind.
“August, I’m sorry.”
She spun around and looked into his eyes. “For what?”
“For yesterday.”
She flashed a quick smile. “It’s all right.” She didn’t want him to be sorry for what they had just done that morning. She certainly wasn’t. “You said you were sorry yesterday, too.” She ran her fingers along the scars on his arm above the bandages. “Why did you cut yourself?”
“I was sorry yesterday because I fucked it up. I really thought I could go through with it this time. Really thought I would die.”
“But why? Why would you want to die?”
He turned her whole body to face him and held both of her hands. “I’m not sure I want to. Not anymore. But I think – if it weren’t for me – you would go back home. If I was gone, you’d have no reason to stay in this shit box.” He looked down at their hands, then brought them up and kissed her fingers, one at a time. “What you thought you had to do. With that man.” He looked back at her face, tears welling in his eyes. “You did that for me, didn’t you?”
“I’d do anything for you.”
“Yeah, I see that. I’m not used to that. It scares the hell out of me.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Look, you can’t save me, August. No one can save me. Please don’t try.” He let out a loud exhale. “And don’t fuck up your life for me, I’m just not worth it.”
Before she could say anything he dropped her hands, jumped off the rock and trotted away toward the river.
She sat alone, tears slipping down her cheeks. How could he say he’s not worth it? She’d never met anyone more worthwhile, more caring and kind – even though it was obvious he’d gone through hell. Maybe she didn’t even know the half of it, but she didn’t care. Her life was one long vacation compared to his. All she knew – all that mattered now – was that she didn’t want to live without him.
Guy came from around the bushes, an aura of energy emanating from him, his face beaming. “Morning, September! How the hell is our boy today?”
Amber was right behind him. She flashed a wide smile when she saw August, then stopped short. “Uh oh. What’s wrong?”
At that moment, Reese came back up the path and ran to August. He kissed the top of her head. “I am so sorry,” he said into her hair. He lifted her chin and looked her in the eye. “I’m such an asshole.”
She shut her eyes and clenched her teeth, swallowing hard. She refused to cry now, not in front of Amber and Guy.
Reese jogged over to his friends and hugged Amber. Then he and Guy clasped one hand, half hugging, half shouldering each other.
“Hey, dudes. Thanks. Sorry about that. Won’t happen again, I promise.”
“No worries, Reese-man. I just did the heavy lifting. September did everything else. She even fed us and got me this new shirt!” Guy looked over at her and winked. “Thanks, by the way.”
She smiled. “No problem.”
“Look what I found, man!” Guy pulled a beat up foam football from under his jacket and tossed it to Reese. They started throwing it back and forth, widening the distance between them.
August hopped off the rock and sat on a patch of shaded grass. She picked up a nearby stick and doodled nothings in the dirt. Amb
er strolled over and plopped down beside her, then gave her a quick rub between her shoulder blades with one hand.
August tossed the stick and watched the boys. “So, what’s Guy’s story anyway?”
“I’m not really sure. He doesn’t talk about himself. He’s always sarcastic, brooding, cracking bad jokes.”
Guy jumped to pick off a throw that was way over his head. He lost his balance on landing and went down hard. After a long second he held his arm straight up in the air, the football extended. “Yeah, baby!” he yelled.
Amber laughed. “Up ‘til yesterday I thought he had no soul.”
“Are you here because of Tanya?”
“Nah, I left for my own reasons. I just helped her run.”
“Can’t you go home?”
“Nothing to go home to.”
“Where are your parents?”
“Dad died a few years ago. Heart attack. He was real young.” Amber wiped away a tear that sprung from one eye. “Then I was stuck at home with my mother who just got drunker and drunker without him. She lost her job, couldn’t get out of bed without a swig or three of something. The apartment got so disgusting. She never gave a damn if I was there or not, if I went to school or not, if I brought boys home and fucked them on the couch or not. Nothing.” She lit up a cigarette and offered one to August.
She shook her head.
“So one day, a couple of years ago, I just never went home. Stayed at a friend’s place for a few days until her stepdad started giving me the up-down and finding excuses to sit beside me.” Amber picked stray tobacco from her tongue and wiped it on her jeans. “My old apartment isn’t too far from here. Sometimes I’ll sit across the street and watch. I saw Mom a couple of weeks ago walking up the steps.” She took a long drag from the cigarette and blew the smoke out her nose. “She looked like shit.”
“What about Ricki?”
