by Nick Poff
“I’ll bet.” Ed remembered his own gym classes. “But how did you deal with it, other than that?”
“I didn’t,” Gordy replied flatly. “I went out with girls, made out with ’em, and pretended nothing was wrong.” He rolled his eyes at the song that came on after the Zombies, “Tracy” by the Cuff Links. “Jesus, now, there’s a memory. Remember Tracy Pettibone? Hell, I dated her all through senior year. We’d make out in my car, and she always thought I respected her ’cause I didn’t want to go all the way. We broke up when she went away to college, and, man, I was more relieved than anything. I remember when they starting playing this song on the radio. I’d think about her, wondering if she’d met some guy who wanted the real thing. And I’d think about me, trying to tell myself that I just hadn’t met the right girl yet. Then I met Laura Kendall. Gawd, what a disaster that turned out to be.”
Ed nodded. “Yeah, I remember that. Weren’t you two engaged?”
“Oh, yeah. Engaged, never married. By that time I was drinking a lot, and she wouldn’t tolerate it. She finally dumped me for some asshole car salesman over in Wabash. Best thing that ever happened to me.”
“Then what did you do?”
Gordy shrugged. “Oh, turned into a hermit, I guess. Went to work. Came home. Drank too much. Beat off a lot, thinkin’ about guys I saw on TV or who came into the post office. I finally met this guy in Fort Wayne. Nelly kinda guy, so I figured he was queer. That was the first time I ever did it with another guy. Damn.” He shook his head, food forgotten, lost in the memory. “He wasn’t my type at all, but I was over there all the time, making up for lost time, I guess. Of course he fell for me, but I wasn’t ready for that. At all. But I learned a lot from him, and I owe him just as much. Stan, his name was. He finally met a nice guy, and they’ve been together for a long time. I’m glad about that.
“So I guess that’s how I kinda came out—although I stopped going to Fort Wayne, afraid someone from town might see me. I go to Indy or Chicago for long weekends, which is great. No shortage of guys wanting to get laid there. But I get pretty bored around here. When Rick started at the post office I wondered about him, but was afraid to do anything. Then I figured out what was going on between you two. Man,” he said, and laughed. “Good old Ed Stephens, under my damned nose this whole time. If I’d only known.”
Ed laughed with him. “Yeah, me too. You know, though, I’m still not sure Rick and I would have gotten together if we hadn’t’ve bumped into each other at Carlton’s. I had such a big crush on him, and I couldn’t believe he was feeling the same thing for me.”
“Rick’s a good man,” Gordy said, nodding and smiling. “I think it’s great, you two. I really hope it works out, but if it doesn’t . . . ,” he said, leering at Ed.
“I’ll keep that in mind.” Ed smirked at him. “But I’m hoping it won’t be an option.”
“Seriously, though.” Gordy sipped his Pepsi. “You guys are an inspiration. If you can make it in this town, there’s hope for me. I guess that’s why I wanted to see you. I’m tired of hiding, tired of being alone. I thought about it a lot after that day at work, with Murk the Jerk. I realized I was being all careful because of assholes like him. Shit. I guess I’m getting old enough that I don’t much care what people like him think anymore. So I was kinda hoping,” he said, looking up at Ed, “that maybe we could get to be friends. All three of us. I think it’s time I started living my life the way I want.”
“Deal.”
Ed stretched a hand out for Gordy to shake. Gordy did, gratefully.
“I wanted to talk to you first. Rick’s the greatest, and I love working with him, but I’ve known you for so long, well, I just thought this might be easier,” Gordy said, going back to his lunch.
“I understand. Rick and I both kinda hoped we’d be seeing more of you. We’re kinda short on friends around here, too.”
“Yep, I guess all us Porterfield fags could use a little support. It’s funny,” he said thoughtfully. “I used to keep up on all the job openings in the big-city post offices, but I never really made an effort to do anything.” He shrugged apologetically. “This is home. I don’t see why I have to leave, just for being gay.”
“Yeah. But you know, it’s 1981. Things are a-changing, at least a little. And for what it’s worth, you’re still as big and nasty as you were in school. I can’t imagine anyone messing with you.”
“Big, yes. Nasty, no,” Gordy said ruefully, patting his belly. “Maybe hanging out with some new friends, getting out more, will make me want to get rid of some of this. I get too fat and no guy will want me.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t worry too much,” Ed said, looking at the still attractive Gordy, but seeing a younger, slightly trimmer Gordy, complete with letter jacket. “A lot of guys out there have football player fantasies. I don’t think you’ll have too much trouble, either way.”
* * * * *
Gordy had gone back to work by the time Rick stopped with Ed’s mail. He dropped his mailbag to give Ed a hug.
“So how’s your day been so far?”
“Pretty good,” Ed answered, with an extra squeeze for Rick. “That job with the new people went great this morning. And you’ll never guess who was here for lunch.”
“Oh?” Rick reached out for Jett, who’d come over to greet him. “Who would that be?”
“Gordy Smith. He called and asked if we could talk. So he came over with some crap from the Mac Shack. It was really nice, though. We had a long talk about being gay in a town like this, and he wanted to know if he could hang out with us sometime. I said it was cool, since we’d already talked about it. Isn’t that great?”
“Yeah,” Rick said, intent on petting the cat. “How ’bout that.”
Ed noticed a distinct lack of enthusiasm in Rick’s voice. “Oh, come on. You’re not still worried about that, are you? You don’t have a thing to worry about. Gordy and I talked about it. He even called us an inspiration. There’s no way he’s going to try anything.”
“An inspiration, huh?” Rick remarked—rather sourly, Ed thought. “He’ll see how inspired I am if he ever lays a hand on you.”
Ed rolled his eyes. “Oh, brother. Not only is he your best friend at work, he’s a lonely gay guy who wants some nice guys to hang out with. Geez. Like I’d even look at another guy with you around.”
Rick dropped the cat to the sofa and looked at Ed for a moment. A grin slowly came onto his face. “Yeah, while I’m around,” he said cryptically.
Ed decided the subject needed to be changed, and fast. “So am I going to see you at all tonight? I’m going through withdrawal from the weekend.”
“Oh,” Rick said, grabbing his mailbag, “I don’t know. Maybe for a while after supper if things are quiet at home. I’ll call you, okay?”
“Hey,” Ed said as Rick moved toward the door. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”
Rick stopped, turned around, and finally smiled his warm and tender special. “I’m sorry, baby.” He grabbed Ed for another hug, a wonderfully tight one. “I guess I’ve just got the Monday blahs. Don’t pay any attention to me. I love you, baby,” he whispered, then backed it up with a kiss.
“I love you too,” Ed whispered, clinging to Rick, rubbing his back through his heavy coat. “Call me, okay?”
“I will. I promise,” he said, letting Ed go. He paused for a moment, looking at Ed, then he smiled again. “You know, as far as I’m concerned, you are one hot guy. Maybe no one’s beating down this door to get you to pose for some stupid magazine, but you’re still the cutest handyman in this town and probably the whole state of Indiana.” He opened the door. “I’ll call you right after supper. I promise.”
Ed watched him cross Grant Street and walk to the next house on his route. He knew Rick was still bugged about Gordy for some reason, but he couldn’t understand why. Handsome as Gordy was, Ed wasn’t particularly attracted to him.
Since he’d met Rick, he hadn’t paid any more attention to other men than a
ny average gay guy would. Rick was exactly what he’d always wanted, and he knew Rick felt the same way about him. Their intimate time together over the weekend had to have shown Rick the fire between them was burning just as hot, if not hotter than in the beginning. The awkwardness and tentative motions of their early lovemaking had disappeared. These days, when they reached for each other, it was with total trust and confidence; all of their individual desires could be, and always were, satisfied within their mutual boundaries.
Unlike some gay men, Ed had a tendency to think with his brain and his heart, as opposed to his dick, so he was mystified that Rick could possibly think he’d have any interest in another man. He thought of Jack, who’d routinely cheated on Rick. Maybe that was it, he thought. Maybe he worried that Ed would turn out to be like Jack. Ed sighed. All he could do, he supposed, was let time show Rick that Ed was not like Jack, and that he was stuck with Ed for life, if he wanted to be. Ed certainly hoped he did.
* * * * *
Ed had about given up on Rick that night when the phone finally rang around eight o’clock.
“Geez,” Ed said, with some relief. “I was beginning to think you were mad at me or something.”
Ed could hear Rick’s deep sigh over the phone. “I’m sorry, baby. Things got a little crazy around here. The dentist told Judy that she really needs to get braces, which is a major tragedy for a twelve-year-old girl. She’s been throwing a fit all evening, fighting with Claire, who’s upset enough about the expense, let alone knowing how awful Judy feels. I mean, Claire went through the braces thing, too. Hell, that’s where Judy got those teeth. I’ve been trying to play peacemaker, but let’s face it: I’m no expert at calming down women. I think there’s been a cease fire, though, so I was wondering if I could come over for a break.”
“Get your sexy ass over here,” Ed commanded. “There’s no women here, just a lonely handyman and a bossy cat.”
* * * * *
“Poor Judy,” Ed said, once Rick was settled on the sofa, Jett in his lap. “I had braces, too. I know just how she feels.”
“Well, that’s just it,” Rick said, one hand on the cat, the other around Ed’s shoulders. “I don’t. I didn’t go through it. All I remember is how much Claire resented me, because she had to have them and I didn’t. All in all, I don’t think I was much help tonight, except to reassure Claire that as long as I was around, the money part wouldn’t be a huge issue. The good thing, though, is since Claire’s a dental hygienist, she’ll be able to get a good price with this orthodontist who gets all of Dr. Wells’s referrals. That should help.”
“Sounds to me like you had enough—what did you call it?—‘vicarious fatherhood’ tonight.” Ed pushed Rick into position so he could rub his shoulders. “I’m really glad you could come over here. I think you need a little attention for yourself.”
“Yeah,” Rick muttered. “Oh, that feels so-o-o-o good.” He relaxed under Ed’s hands. “And, baby, I’m sorry about earlier today.”
“Sorry?” Ed turned his shoulder rub into a full-fledged back massage. Jett, dislocated and bereft of attention, fled to his easy chair. “Sorry about what?”
“Oh, being such a jerk about Gordy being here. I just get so insecure sometimes, thinking about what you have to put up with. Then I start thinking about what it would be like if I lost you, you know, to some guy who’s not busy trying to help raise his sister’s kids.”
“Is that what that was about today?” Ed tried to relax the knotted muscles in Rick’s back. “Darlin’, how many times do I have to tell you I understand about that and how much I support you?”
“I know you do, baby. It’s just sometimes I get worried that your patience with it all will end. I know you don’t think you are, but I know how sexy and handsome and wonderful you are. Why there wasn’t a long line of guys waiting to snap you up before I came along is beyond me. So, when all of a sudden there’s this big, handsome guy here at your house for lunch, all that jealousy and insecurity comes pouring out of me.”
“You were thinking about Jack too, weren’t you?”
“Yeah. Oh, Ed, I was so stupid back then. I mean, I know that for a lot of guys, being gay is all about the sex. Hell, do you know how many guys I knew in Indy who didn’t really have friends, they just had fuck buddies? I always wanted more than that, though. Problem was, I thought Jack wanted what I wanted. At least he said he did, but I wasn’t enough for him. Then here I am, years later, living in this Nowhere-ville, and I just happen to meet a guy I’m crazy about, who just happens to feel the same way I do. And what’s even better, since it’s Nowhere-ville, I don’t have to worry about him running around, screwing every guy in town.”
“Oh, Rick, for cryin’ out loud, you know I wouldn’t do that,” Ed said in disgust, rubbing a little harder.
“Ouch! Calm down, okay? I know that. But Gordy shows up, this big, macho ex-football player who just happens to be gay, and I guess all those old feelings came back. I feel like a lion, protecting his pride, ya know? You’re mine, the life we’re building together is ours, and I don’t want anybody messing with it. I know I don’t have a right to be that possessive where you’re concerned, and it probably isn’t all that healthy, but that’s how I feel.”
Ed eased up on the rubbing. “I understand. I feel the same way about you. Darlin’, you know I think you’re the most handsome man in the world, and it scares me to think of other guys being attracted to you, too. Hell, if I saw some guy making eyes at you, I’d probably kill him. But you do understand that you don’t have anything to worry about with Gordy, don’t you? He’d never disrespect your friendship by making a move on me. Plus, he knows I love you too much to even consider it.”
Rick sighed. “I know. You’re right. And I think the world of Gordy, really I do. I also have to remind myself that when it comes to sex, the two of us are so . . . compatible, that I don’t think either one of us would be happy with another guy. Baby,” he said, twisting his head to grin at Ed, “making love doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel about what we do together.”
Ed felt himself blushing. “I know. Sometimes I worry about us getting tired of each other, but then I also can’t imagine that ever happening.”
“Me too. I know all of that, but sometimes it scares me, how right we are for each other. I was unhappy for so long, I’m afraid something will happen to ruin it, and oh, boy, it’s off to the races.”
“Huh?”
“Oh, the mind games I play on myself. I start worrying about all the time you spend here alone, wishing I was here with you. You know what? Sometimes I lie in that bed, in that little room I share with Josh, and I think about you here alone, and I can’t sleep. Then I’ll hear Josh wheeze in his sleep from that stupid asthma the doctor keeps saying he’ll outgrow, and I’m so glad I’m there for him. I’ll think about how much happier he is these days, how much better his grades are since I’ve got him reading so much. But then I’ll roll over, and you’re not there. And I’ll want to feel you next to me so bad, I swear, baby, it almost hurts. So then I think: Am I being fair to anyone?”
Ed paused his massaging for a moment, thinking. He felt as though he was playing out Rick’s usual Sunday guilt scene on a Monday. He might have been annoyed, but instead he felt a tenderness for Rick he didn’t know he was capable of. Perhaps the stand-in Dad lying on Ed’s sofa needed a little parenting himself occasionally.
“Well,” Ed said softly, “Josh is a little boy. He needs his uncle Rick right now, and the fact that you’re there for him at all is pretty amazing. He’s a lucky kid. As for me, well, I’m a grown man. I can handle the nights you’re not here because I know you will be eventually. And Josh isn’t stupid. I think he knows there’s something more than just friendship between us. Thing is, he likes me, and I think he trusts me enough to know that when you’re here with me, you’re just across town, and if he needs you, you’d be there in a heartbeat.
“It’s funny, now that I think of it. I mean, I just said I’m
a grown man, and I am, running my own business, taking care of this house, and being all responsible. But I think a part of me was still a dumb kid up until the time I met you. I think watching you deal with this, and having to deal with it myself, has helped me grow up a little.”
“Hey, why’d you stop?” Rick teased. “More.”
Ed resumed the massage.
“You’re amazing, baby, you know that? There are a lot of guys who wouldn’t put up with the situation, wouldn’t even bother to see it that way.”
“I’m not just any guy. I happen to be the guy that loves you. Darlin’, I didn’t know I was capable of loving someone as much as I love you. One of the reasons I love you is because Josh and the girls are so important to you. If they weren’t, I don’t think you’d be nearly so wonderful. It hurts, though, to watch you tear yourself up over it. I guess I have to just keep telling you it’s okay. Kids don’t stay kids forever. The day will come when you and I are together full-time. Geez, then we’ll have a whole new set of problems.”
Rick chuckled. “Yeah, you’re probably right. I know I’m being too hard on myself, but finding you, being so much in love—shit, it scares me, like I said. I’m afraid I’ll screw it up.”
“You mean you’re human, too? Crud, I thought it was just me.”
“Oh, I get scared, too. And insecure. And my self-confidence takes an occasional dive. I just hide it better than you do.”
“Well, you don’t have to hide it from me,” Ed said, still feeling rather parental. “That’s what I’m here for, to be your confidence when yours fails, just like you do for me.”
