by Mary Leo
Helen nodded her agreement, feeling as if she was in some sort of baby-buying fog.
Kendra led the way and Helen and Colt followed. As Kendra pointed out bottles, strollers, changing tables, cribs and non-BPA breast pumps, an important assumption arose. “Of course you’ll be breast-feeding and the best pump is this one.” She pointed to a type of pump that apparently sucked out a woman’s milk from both breasts at once.
“I’d feel like a cow using that thing,” Helen said. She hadn’t even seriously considered whether or not she would breast-feed her baby. The thought of a baby suckling on her breast scared her, and made her a little nauseous at the same time.
“I never really used it for my own babies. They were only breast-fed, but I would donate milk to the hospital for premature babies or to help out moms who couldn’t breast-feed. I’m not saying that you should do either of those things, sweetie, but in case you want to, this pump extracts your milk at the same rate that your baby would. Your nipples won’t even get sore. But in case they do, there’s a wonderful cream I can recommend.”
“Maybe you should carry this pad thing around. You seem to know exactly what I need.”
Helen handed her the electronic pad and Kendra took off up the aisle, scanning all sorts of things on the way. Helen was sure when she finally had the baby shower and she received all the gifts, Kendra would have to come over to instruct her on usage.
“Don’t mind her. After five babies, I expect she’s thrilled to be talking to a brand-new mom,” Colt said, half chuckling.
“I have to admit, I’m overwhelmed with all of this. And Kendra. I had no idea she would get so excited about a baby. She’s nothing like this behind a bar.”
“It’s a lot for you to take in at one time.”
“More than you know.”
Kendra waved them over to the crib section of the store, just as Helen began to feel a bit woozy.
“We won’t be needing a new crib, even though Kendra will probably try to persuade you to get one. Got a real nice one stored out in the barn. We bought it new for Joey.”
Helen nodded as she envisioned an entire barn filled with cribs, blankets, blenders, sterilizers, bottles and a multitude of brightly colored toys—with walls painted sky-blue, and no animals in the barn, just a monster breast pump set up in the center waiting for her to sit down and attach her breasts to it. Panic began to take hold. Her chest tightened and she couldn’t breathe. Sweat beaded on her forehead.
“You don’t look so good. Are you all right?” Colt asked.
He suddenly looked panicked, which caused Helen to panic and want to get out of there. She wanted to get away from Colt, away from everything baby. “I don’t feel good. I can’t...breathe. I need fresh air.”
And she headed for the front door, with Colt trailing up behind her.
* * *
“YOU HAD A panic attack,” Doctor Bradley Starr said as Helen sat on the sofa in Colt’s living room. Gavin and Buddy were still in school and Joey was with his grandfather. Kendra had just left to pick up her youngest from day care. “You need to rest.”
“I’ve never had a panic attack in my entire life. Not ever,” Helen told him, rubbing her upper chest. It still hurt from the spasm she’d had in the store.
“There’s always a first time for everything.”
She had wanted Kendra to drive her back home, but Colt thought it best if she drive over to his house. It was closer. Helen was in no condition to argue, so she went along with the program. As soon as they were in the car, Colt phoned the doctor to meet them. He’d assured her that it was easier than taking her to a hospital, especially since she wasn’t having any issues with the baby.
Doctor Starr was a general practitioner who did house calls and was used to treating Colt and his boys. Plus, he worked in the same office as Helen’s doctor two days a week in Jackson, which made him familiar with Helen’s pregnancy. It seemed easy for the doctor to diagnose her. All he had to do was look at her and he knew exactly what was going on. “Panic attacks are quite common during a pregnancy, especially with your first.”
“My only,” Helen stated without reservation. No way did she want any more children. One was quite enough.
“Then you’ll have to learn what triggers these episodes and take the proper precautions. Realistically, you might very well have another panic attack before the baby’s due date.”
“I was merely shopping for baby things.”
“Where?”
“That huge store, the one off the highway.”
“That place would give me a panic attack. I bet that was Kendra’s idea.”
“How’d you guess?”
“With five children, Kendra’s a well-seasoned mother. You’re a rookie. She should’ve known better and started you off slowly, maybe with a pair of booties.”
Helen thought of tiny baby booties, blue baby booties, or pink. She hadn’t really thought of pink before. What if it was a girl? Her chest tightened as Colt walked into the room carrying a tray with everything she needed for a cup of hot tea. Nope, just seeing all that rugged testosterone walk toward her convinced her there was no way that man could produce anything but boys.
The thought seemed to calm her. She understood boys, or at least she knew how to relate to them better than little girls.
Colt brought in three mugs, sugar, milk and a large white teapot filled with hot water. He’d also brought an assortment of tea bags, and cookies, as if he’d been serving up high tea his entire life. Who knew?
“Can I get you anything else?” Colt asked, looking a little more like his old self. A more normal color had returned to his face. At one point during the drive, Helen was more worried for Colt than for herself.
“Thanks, that’s perfect,” Helen told him just as he rubbed her shoulder, then took a seat next to her on the sofa.
The doctor filled in the details about Helen’s panic attack, took her temperature, listened to her heart, then demonstrated a breathing technique to help her ward off another one. After he drank down his tea, packed up his black bag and said his goodbyes, the doctor walked out to his car and headed back to town, leaving Helen and Colt alone.
“I’m scared, Colt,” Helen told him while reclining on the sofa. Her baby moving inside her only increased her fears. “My stepmom is great, and I really love her, but I really wish my mom was still alive. We never got to talk about babies, or being pregnant, or what it took to raise a child. She died when I was only fourteen. Too young for us to have that conversation. And even if she’d lived through my teens, a baby was the last thing on my mind. Learning how to shoot and ride was all I cared about. A competitive time in the event meant everything to me. And now? Here I sit, ready to bring a child into the world and I don’t have any idea of how to mother a child or what to do with all those things I saw in that store today. Ask me about horses and riding and shooting and I can fill a book. Ask me about mixing a drink and I can write another book from all my years working in bars. But babies? I couldn’t fill a page on a clipboard let alone one chapter of a book. I never really considered nursing my baby or whether or not I should puree its first food or buy it in a jar. And don’t even get me started on wooden verses plastic cribs, organic baby clothes or synthetic. And why on earth does someone need so many receiving blankets? And why are they called receiving blankets? They look like regular baby blankets to me. I don’t even know what half of those things mean. I’m scared, Colt. Scared I won’t be able to do it right.” She sighed as big hot tears slipped down her cheeks.
He knelt down next to her on the floor, pulled out his hankie and handed it to her, then lovingly stroked her face and head.
She wiped her eyes and sniffled into the hankie, grateful that once again he was prepared for her waterworks.
“I think you’re going to make a wonderful mother,” he to
ld her in a deep, reassuring voice. “All you need to know are the basics, and that will come automatically the first time you hold your baby. You’re going to be fine, I promise. Besides, there is no right way to do this, there’s only your way, and if it’s filled with the kind of love I know you have for this child, everything will fall into place. I’m sure of it.”
His fingers traced her cheek, and she moved in closer to him.
“I want to believe you, but my head won’t stop spinning. A shower? A registry? Do we really need all of that stuff? Wouldn’t it be easier if we bought what we needed for the baby at Diamond’s in town?” Diamond’s was the town’s one and only department store, which fit entirely on one floor.
“It’s what folks do when they’re having a baby.”
“That doesn’t make it necessary.”
“No, but it’s supposed to be fun. Most women like all this fuss.”
“I’m not the average woman. I’d rather be shooting from the saddle of a horse.”
“Then we won’t do it. We’ll order what you want for the baby online. How’s that?”
Helen thought about it for a moment then she sat up and shook her head.
“I can’t do that. My friends will be disappointed. And my stepmom will be upset as well, then my dad will be angry at me for upsetting his wife. It’s a no-win situation.”
“I didn’t know this was a race.”
She sighed again. “It’s not. But I can’t just let go like that.”
Colt sat next to her, slid down a little on the sofa, and she rested her head on his chest.
She said, “It’s hard for me, Colt. I overreacted today, overthought everything. How can I let a little thing like a baby get me so upset?”
“Hormones?”
“Maybe that’s it. Maybe I need to learn to relax more. Meditate. Do yoga.”
He took her hand in his. “Let me take care of you. I know you like to be in charge of every aspect of your life, but things are different now. I want to be a part of our baby’s life. I’m here for whatever you need.”
She felt uneasy at the thought of depending on another person, even if it was the father of her child. “That’s hard for me. I’ve always taken care of myself. Known what I wanted and gone out and made it happen. I haven’t had someone take care of me or counsel me since I was ten, and even then I had already made up my mind about my future.”
“You’re in a different phase of your life now, sweetheart. It’s time you allowed other people to help you. That way, you won’t be so stressed and you won’t give me any more scares.”
She sat up and looked at him. She knew better than to rile him during her pregnancy, knew he would be overly concerned about every little event. This was not the time for her to fall apart. If anything, she needed to be the strong one, needed to take the bull by the horns, so to speak.
“It’ll take me a while to learn how to let go.”
“That’s fine, but at least you’ll be walking on the right road.”
The whole idea of letting go of the decisions that concerned her life was like letting go of her ability to breathe on her own. Her life had been spent learning how to stand on her own two feet and just when she’d gotten closer than ever before, it felt as if it was slipping away from her. She couldn’t concede and still be true to herself. It had been difficult enough for her to allow her parents and cousins to dote on her while she was busy thinking of what to do next, but now Colt wanted in on the game.
“I’ll try, but I’ll do it my way.”
“And how’s that?”
“I need to learn more about all this baby stuff so I can make informed decisions. Where do you keep your laptop? I want to read up on a suitable breast pump. I’ve decided I’m nursing my baby.”
Chapter Seven
Helen found that she simply couldn’t ride as easily as she once could. Just like the doctor in Vegas had predicted, her balance had become a bit shaky. She didn’t want to admit she was so fragile that she couldn’t ride and could barely maintain Tater on her own. It was like admitting she’d failed at something, and Helen prided herself on never giving up or giving in.
Unfortunately, like Dr. Starr had said, there was always a first time for everything.
She had ventured back to the mega baby store several times on her own without having a panic attack. Now she could walk through the store with little more than a hiccup and a snort. She decided against a formal baby shower, much to Kendra’s dismay. Instead, she’d made her first purchase, an infant car seat that snapped onto a stroller base in case she ever wanted to take her baby into town for a little stroll with its daddy, Colt. The man who had just pulled his horse trailer up to the front of Milo’s stable.
It was a bigger horse trailer than she’d expected Colt to bring, one that held two horses. The same one he’d used when she first bought Tater from him. He’d even hitched it to his old pickup instead of his SUV.
Part of her couldn’t believe she was doing this, and Milo was right there to tell her it was a mistake.
“You’re going to miss not having Tater out in my stable to ride whenever you have a hankering to,” he told her as he leaned against the doorjamb to the stable. His tan felt hat sat high on his head, and his forehead creased with worry lines. “Just like you could ride him at will when he was boarded with the Miltons. Now you’ll have to call first to make an appointment to ride him at the Grangers’.”
“No, I won’t,” Helen countered. “You’re just saying that to keep him here. I can’t do that. Not for the winter. I won’t be driving in from Jackson much with a baby. At least if he’s boarded at the Grangers’ stable he won’t be alone. Colt will ride him a lot more than I can.”
It had been a hard decision to make, considering she would now be dependent on Colt for something else—the well-being of her horse. She had to force herself to let go, to allow Colt to help her, and she knew there was no better way for him to help than to board Tater. Besides, she knew Tater would be a lot happier in a large stable with other horses.
Milo’s stable was once crowded with no less than six horses at any one time, but going on three years ago, when one of his stallions accidentally stepped on the back of his foot and put Milo out of commission for six months, he’d sold all his horses. His stable had been empty ever since except for Tater, who seemed sad all by himself in that great span of empty space.
Besides, Colt had been worried about her being around Tater, and had no problem voicing his opinion. He felt certain Tater would someday kick her or throw her, neither of which Tater had ever done or would ever do. He was the sweetest, most agreeable horse she’d ever had the privilege of working with. She’d been around horses since she was three years old and had never had any kind of an injury. Despite Colt having grown up around horses, and all the stories she’d heard of his mom riding into town to buy groceries while she was pregnant with her boys, that wasn’t enough to persuade him into thinking that nothing bad would happen to her if she rode and tended to Tater.
When it was all said and done, it was simply easier on their budding relationship if she let Tater go for a while. Then, once the baby was a few months old, there’d be no stopping her. At least that was the promise she made to herself.
Colt secured the back ramp for Tater, and the sound of that ramp hitting the ground, combined with what Milo had said, caused Helen’s conviction to falter for a moment. Was she doing the right thing? Was this something she wanted to do or was this what Colt wanted?
She sighed, knowing either way, this was a done deal.
She walked past Milo into the stable and up to Tater’s stall. He always knew when something was up and today was no exception. He stood stock-still in the back of the stall when he usually came walking right up to the front to greet her whenever she came near. He’d bob his head over the door, eager
for an apple or a pat. This time he merely whinnied but didn’t move.
“Come on, boy. I promise to come visit you every chance I get.”
He blew out some air, bobbed his fine head and stomped his right front leg, but he still wouldn’t move from the back of the stall.
She opened the stall door and he gingerly took a couple steps toward her then stopped again, his dark, honey-colored mane flopping between his eyes. She’d brushed him longer than usual that morning, and his creamy dappled coat gave off a healthy glow when the sunlight hit it through the window. He looked stunning standing regally in front of her. He was truly a magnificent creature.
Colt had rescued him from the planes of North Dakota after a roundup less than three years ago, so Tater had a fondness for Colt that was unshakable. He was a wild horse that had claimed her heart from the first moment she met him. She’d trained him herself, and he’d turned out to be the best animal she’d ever known.
Her emotions got the best of her when she thought of the very first time she rode him and tears clouded her eyes. She’d already haltered him with a lead rope that she’d tied in a cowboy knot around his neck so she didn’t have to do anything but lead him out when Colt arrived. She thought it would save time and stress.
Apparently Tater had other plans.
Finally, after a little more coaxing, Tater came forward, nudging her with his muzzle. Tears flowed freely as she gave her friend a knowing pat.
Then she pulled herself together, grabbed his lead, moved it over his head while she stood on his left side, like she’d done a million times before, and led him out of the stable.
“I can take him from here,” Colt said as she approached.
She shook her head. “Thanks, but I’ll trailer him.”
“Helen, why can’t you let me do this? You know I get worried every time you’re around him.”
“I’ve done this a million times, Colt. Tater’s not going to hurt me.”
“If anything were to happen...”
