by Aj Estelliam
‘I’m not exactly denying you believe it-I just don’t think I’m under any attack from anyone.’
‘And what if you’re wrong?’ I asked, posing the question. ‘What if I leave you now and you’re shot in the head while you sleep?’
‘Shot in the head?’ she questioned.
‘I don’t know why I said that…’ I replied, quickly.
‘Yes you do. Is that what you saw, Annie?’
‘I…I don’t know. He had a gun. I don’t know why I said ‘shot in the head.’
Eve watched me for a long moment before looking down at my hands which lay in my lap. She then looked back up and held out her hand towards me.
I looked at her hand nervously. ‘Are you sure?’
‘If you are,’ she replied.
‘I am,’ I nodded. ‘I think…well, be prepared for me to be a bit distracted for a moment. I don’t know how this is going to affect me.’
‘Alright,’ she said slowly, looking at me closely.
‘You ready?’
‘Yeah. Are you?’ she questioned.
‘I’m never ready for this kind of thing,’ I told her.
‘Understandable,’ she murmured.
I looked down at her offered hand and took a deep breath. Reaching out slowly, I took her hand in mine and waited for the onslaught.
Immediately, my heart began to pound as I felt a connection so incredible it was almost euphoric. I held her eyes while my hand held hers and it was so intense that I could have cried. I got a sense of the woman lying deep inside her and flashing images appeared in front of my eyes, alerting me to events in her life and important moments.
As I held on to her tightly, I felt my mind drift off.
‘We can’t,’ the woman said tearfully, wiping her cheeks dry.
‘Yes-we can,’ he replied, pulling her close to hug her tightly.
‘I don’t know if I can cope,’ she admitted, sniffling into his warm jumper.
‘You can, Ally, and you will. Now, come on-let’s go through with this.’
‘I don’t know…I just don’t know…’
‘It’s right. You know it is. It’ll heal us, Ally,’ he told her, looking down at her with as much love as was possible to feel for another human being.
The woman, Ally, took her husband’s hand and walked into the room. There, she gasped as the baby was brought directly to her. Tears forgotten, she accepted the beautiful bundle of joy into her arms and held her close to her chest.
‘She’s beautiful!’ Ally exclaimed.
‘And yours,’ her husband told her, smiling with happiness.
‘I love her already,’ Ally said emotionally, looking down at the stunning baby girl. ‘I’m going to call her Eve,’ she decided.
I started, feeling shocked, and pulled my hand away from her quickly.
‘What did you see?’ she asked, looking concerned.
‘I, uh…I don’t know…I mean, I saw lots of things.’
‘Like what?’
‘I saw…a baby.’
‘A baby?’
‘Yes. I think it was you, Eve.’
‘Me?’ she questioned frowning.
‘Yes. I don’t know what I was seeing but I think it was the beginning of your life…I saw you being held and being loved by your…parents I think,’ I murmured.
‘Well, I hope so!’ she laughed, smiling warmly.
I realised in that moment that I knew something that she didn’t about her past. There was something she hadn’t been told which I now knew-but I recognised that it wasn’t the moment to inform her of what I had found out.
‘What else did you see?’ she asked, looking intrigued.
‘I didn’t really…it was just you as a baby really. I didn’t really see anything else significant-it was just flashes of memories and things which have happened in your life.’
‘Oh…so nothing about the danger you saw previously?’
‘No, nothing,’ I replied thoughtfully, ‘but I only saw that in a dream anyway. Maybe that’s how I’ll find out more.’
‘Interesting,’ she murmured quietly.
I watched her for a moment and wondered how I could find out information without telling her exactly what I had seen. Getting to know her and spending time with her may give me the background I wanted to know, I realised.
‘Well, I’m relieved,’ I replied. ‘I thought it might be overwhelming and I thought I would get a lot more of worrying information about this. Luckily it all seems to have died down for now…’
‘What-the danger?’
‘Yes. I think it’s because I’m here. Whatever or whoever it is who poses a threat to you is not going to strike when there’s someone else here.’
‘No…that makes sense. I sure am stunned you think there’s someone out there who is after me with a gun.’
I looked at her closely and sighed. ‘I don’t what else I can say about it.’
She considered this for a moment. ‘You say the danger is now gone tonight?’
‘I…I think so,’ I told her softly.
‘Are you still staying?’ she asked, her eyes holding mine intensely.
‘Yes-because I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if anything were to actually happen to you, Eve.’
She seemed to think about this. ‘Can we not spend hours talking about this then?’ she requested, ‘I feel pretty tired now.’
‘Do you want to sleep?’ I asked her.
‘No-I’d like to stay up with you-but I’d like to lighten the mood a little…’
‘How?’
‘By chatting about other things?’ she suggested.
‘That sounds nice,’ I murmured, figuring that I might find out more about her that way.
‘Good…so tell me everything, Annie. I want to know everything there is to know about you.’
‘Oh, you really don’t,’ I said, chuckling nervously.
‘No, I really do,’ she replied silkily.
I met her eyes and felt myself drawn to her by some inexplicable pull towards her. The invisible strings were tugging at me, and the attraction was building.
Chapter 6
‘What do you want to know?’ I asked Eve softly.
‘Maybe start with your childhood,’ she replied.
‘Okay…although I must warn you-I’m not great at talking about myself.’
‘How come?’ she asked.
‘Because…well, I just don’t like to really. I feel uncomfortable talking about me.’
‘I don’t see why! You seem like a wonderful person.’
‘Thanks, Eve. I guess I don’t have a lot of self-confidence lately.’
‘Well, that’s understandable considering everything that’s going on in your life right now-not to mention your lack of sleep. No sleep is enough to mess up anyone’s life! I don’t function without it.’
‘Hence I’m feeling bad for keeping you up,’ I told her, eyeing her closely.
‘Oh, don’t be silly. I meant all the time. I want to be up right now with you. For some strange reason I want to know everything there is to know about you, Annie.’
‘Some strange reason?’ I questioned.
‘Well, maybe it’s not strange…’ she said huskily.
I chuckled and lowered my eyes in embarrassment. When I looked back up, she was still staring at me intently. ‘So?’
‘So, what?’
‘Tell me about your early life.’
‘Why don’t you tell me about yours first? I’m not the best at sharing my personal details for one reason or another.’
‘Okay…well, you met my parents at the café. They’re wonderful people. I had a very happy childhood and they were lovely parents.’
‘Are you an only child?’ I wondered.
‘Yes,’ she nodded. ‘Just me…so I was a little spoiled in that regard,’ she laughed. ‘It was all about me!’
‘How funny…’ I murmured.
‘We’ve lived locally for many years and when my father dec
ided to buy the café on the beach, it changed all our lives for the better. We all love the place and have tried hard to make it the successful business it is today. I worked there for a long while, helping out, and I must visit three or four times a week for a chat or a coffee.’
‘Blimey! You really must get on well with your parents!’ I said, surprised. I couldn’t imagine seeing parents that often as an adult. Usually it was more limited.
‘I do, yes. We’re friends as well as family. I like to chat to Dad when it’s work related and Mum is great when I need to talk about any problems or issues with women,’ she chuckled.
‘Oh really? Please don’t speak to her about me!’ I laughed.
‘I won’t,’ she assured me, ‘and if I did, it would be all good.’
‘It would?’
‘Absolutely.’
I smiled at her warmly.
‘So, you said you were adopted?’
‘That’s right, yes,’ I said, feeling awkward.
‘And you lost your parents.’
I nodded. ‘They’re both gone now. It’s lonely without them, but I’ve accepted it. I’ve seen plenty of death in my time as a doctor, but I have to say that this is the only time it’s affected me in such a way. I had no idea how hard it is to lose someone that close to you…’
‘I can’t even imagine how hard it would be…’ Eve said softly, her voice trailing off. ‘I don’t know what I’m going to do when the worst happens with my parents.’
‘You just deal with it. There’s little choice,’ I murmured.
‘How have you dealt with it, Annie?’
I sighed. ‘Not very well. I mean, I’ve worked myself into the ground and since acquiring this strange, new skill, I’ve been a completely changed person.’
‘Maybe it’s a positive thing,’ she suggested.
‘Really? Why would that be?’ I questioned.
‘Well, it’s changing things for you…sometimes change is for the better and leads you onto new paths.’
‘I’m definitely headed down a new path…to the job centre,’ I muttered.
‘Half glass full,’ Eve reminded me.
I looked up at her. ‘I’ve worked for years to become a doctor, Eve, and now my whole world is crumbling.’
‘I’m sure that’s not true, Annie. This is just one of life’s trials and tribulations, I’m sure! You’ll get through it and return to practice.’
‘But that’s just it…I don’t know if I want to anymore,’ I said, softly.
She looked at me closely.
‘Eve; I wanted to be a doctor all of my life. I spent my childhood reading and playing ‘doctors and nurses.’ I desperately wanted to put anything that was wrong right. It came from a need to please-I realise that.’
‘Because you were adopted?’ she asked softly.
‘Perhaps…’
‘So you were always aware of the fact?’
‘Oh yes,’ I nodded, ‘it was always an open and honest relationship. I knew my background since the beginning-from the time when I could understand it.’
‘And did it upset you?’
‘No-because I knew I was better off with my parents. The little I was told about my birth mother told me that she was young and unable to care for a child. I was given a good life, a good education and I felt very fortunate.’
Eve stared at me. ‘But?’
‘How do you know that there’s a but?’
‘Because I can just sense it,’ she said, smiling softly.
‘I suppose I just never felt entirely like I belonged, Eve. I mean, I had a home and loving parents but I was different. I was the child of another woman…another man. I decided to go into medicine as I felt like I could make a difference in people’s lives when they were suffering. I’m sure that comes from a sense of trying to put things right in my own life.’
‘It makes sense,’ she replied, eyeing me closely, ‘but you say you don’t think you’ll return to doctoring?’
‘I have no idea,’ I murmured, running a weary hand over my face. ‘This case doesn’t seem to be going away and how can I avoid all the problems which arise every time I so much as touch a patient? It’s inescapable.’
She frowned. ‘I do understand your problem…but there’s different types of doctors aren’t there?’
‘Yes, you’re right…what are you saying?’
‘What I mentioned earlier-maybe you should work with the dead. Doctors do that in many ways, right? That way you wouldn’t have to be dealing with people’s thoughts and emotions because their soul is gone.’
I considered this for a moment, watching her closely. ‘Maybe…’
‘Although, I can imagine that it’s a hard job.’
I wrinkled my nose. ‘You know something, Eve? I’ve spent the last few weeks thinking about work. I don’t want to even waste any more time on it-especially now. Can we talk about something else?’
‘Sure!’ she smiled. ‘Tell me about your love life,’ she grinned.
‘Oh no!’ I groaned. ‘Let’s go back to work.’
‘Shall I go first?’ she offered.
‘Now that sounds like a good idea. Have you always known you were gay?’ I asked her.
‘Pretty much,’ she nodded. ‘I mean, I guess I really ‘got it’ when I was about sixteen. All my friends were partnering off with boyfriends and I simply wasn’t interested. I remember feeling absolutely gutted though when my best friend found a boy she liked. I realised then that I saw her as more than a friend.’
I nodded. ‘I’ve experienced that before.’
‘It was upsetting for me but it made me think-and that’s when I figured it all out. I didn’t want a boyfriend; but I did want a girlfriend.’
‘So, when was your first relationship?’
‘In college. I was seventeen and had a little more freedom as I had just left school for college. I got chatting to a girl in one of my lectures and she was out, confident and keen to get involved. One thing led to another and she became my first girlfriend.’
‘How long did it last?’
‘About a month or so,’ she laughed. ‘She wasn’t interested in anything long term, I discovered quickly. She was more of a player…’
‘Oh dear.’
‘Yeah,’ she sighed. ‘So I went back to my studies and dated occasionally but didn’t really meet anyone significant until I went to Uni.’
‘You met someone there?’
‘I did, yeah. I joined the Lesbian and Gay Society and at the meetings, I met lots of different and interesting women, but one stood out.’
I smiled at her, waiting for her to continue.
‘Her name was Lauren-and she was gorgeous. She was bright, intelligent and full of life. I liked her immediately and knew straight away that I wanted more from her.’
‘So you got together?’
‘No! Not initially! I discovered she was already in a relationship!’
‘Oh no,’ I murmured. ‘What did you do?’
‘I didn’t,’ she replied. ‘I respected the fact that she was involved with someone, but we did become friends.’
‘That must have been hard for you.’
‘It was-because her girlfriend didn’t treat her particularly well either. I always thought that if she was with me, she would be much happier.’
‘Did you ever end up together?’
‘Yes, we did. Cut a long story short, she broke up with her girlfriend one night and came to me for support. One thing led to another and we very quickly got together. We were in a relationship for four years.’
‘Four years! Wow!’ I exclaimed.
‘It was my longest relationship to date. I haven’t met anyone else significant-I’ve dated but never had a lengthy relationship ever since.’
‘Why did you and Lauren break up? I asked her.
She frowned. ‘She met someone else…she cheated on me, and I found out.’
‘How awful!’
‘It was horrible. I felt so betrayed an
d disgusted by what she had done. It took me a long, long time to get over it…in fact, I don’t know if you ever get over that kind of betrayal.’
‘I can imagine, not,’ I murmured.
‘You’ve never been cheated on?’ she questioned.
‘No. Not even close,’ I told her.
She looked at me quizzically.
‘I mean, I haven’t been in significant enough relationships to get to that stage,’ I explained.
‘Oh…so tell me about your love life.’
‘It’s pretty simple and short-I don’t have one,’ I told her bluntly.
‘You don’t have one? Or never did?’
‘I’m not a complete hermit,’ I said, chuckling, ‘but I haven’t ever had what I would term a ‘long relationship.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because my life has been about other things mainly-also it took me a long time to accept that my sexuality is what it is…’
‘How come?’
I sighed.
‘Go on…there’s no judgement here, just a listening ear.’
‘Well…I suppose I always wanted to please my parents. They adopted me, they chose me and when I figured out I was different, I didn’t want to accept that fact. They had the traditional dreams for me-getting married, having children and finding a good job. I managed the good job bit for a while but then even that went awry.’
‘Oh, Annie! You shouldn’t beat yourself up so much!’
I met her eyes and shrugged. ‘I just wanted to be the daughter they wanted me to be.’
‘I’m sure you were and more! So, did they ever know you were gay?’
I shook my head. ‘No. They died before I told either of them.’
‘That’s a shame. I think they would have surprised you if they had known.’
‘I don’t know, they were pretty traditional, and set in their ways in many ways.’
‘I see. So it was because of them that you didn’t have any long term relationships?’
‘Mainly…and also due to myself. It took a while for me to accept that this is who I am too…’
‘And you didn’t meet anyone during all this time?’
‘When I was younger, I set up the pretence of dating a boy. We’d hold hands and kiss but that was about as far as I ever let it go. When I went away from home to University for the first time, I had some freedom. I began to meet like-minded women then, and it was only then that I began to explore my true feelings.’
