by June Gray
17
Last night, Elsie and I attended an engagement party for my friends from high school. Hass and Kelly had been dating since junior year so everyone assumed they would get married as soon as we graduated, but they broke up some time in college. They didn’t talk for years and then ran into each other again at a grocery store just a few months ago. They were engaged not too long after that.
Elsie’s theory is that Hass and Kelly just needed some time apart to grow, which makes a lot of sense. We need to know ourselves before we can be with anyone else.
During the party, I had a chance to catch up with Nina. The conversation was nice and mellow. She really seemed like a different person from the girl I knew in high school, more mature and introspective.
“Have you ever wondered what our lives would be like if we didn’t grow up with the same people?” she asked as she looked around at all of our friends.
It was such a simple, innocent question but somehow it stuck with me.
Now Nina and Elsie’s words are swimming in my head and making my stomach hurt because I can’t help but wonder how I would have turned out if the Shermans had never moved into my street, if I never had Jason’s friendship, or the Colonel’s guidance, or Elodie’s mothering.
Or all of Elsie.
It fucking hurts to even think that way but I can’t help it now. It’s in my head. Did I turn out the way I was supposed to or did the Shermans somehow mold me into a different person?
In one night, I’m suddenly lost. I have no idea who the hell I am.
And what’s worse is that this person, this version of Henry that Elsie fell in love with, might not be the real me. I don’t even know who the real me is.
Would I have graduated high school without Jason?
Would I have entered the Air Force without the Colonel’s guidance?
Would I have just turned to a life of crime, married some girl, and popped out five kids?
What if the only reason Elsie fell in love with me is because I was all she’s ever known? If I hadn’t been around all the time, would she still even be interested in someone like me or would she be married to some tool like John?
My biggest fear is waking up somewhere down the road and realizing that my love for Elsie is just affectionate and not passionate love. And worse, that she discovers that about me. That would tear me up the most because, knowing her, she would stay with me out of some moral obligation because that’s the kind of person she is. She loves until the end.
I couldn’t do that to her, to trap her in a lukewarm relationship. The guilt would eat me up alive and I’d end up ruining what we have.
I want Elsie to be with the person she loves passionately, someone she chose to be with rather than someone fate just imposed on her.
Yes, even if that person is not me.
You asked me before I left yesterday if anything from these sessions have given me any insight and my answer is yes. I’ve realized that the only thing I’ve been able to talk about is Elsie. She’s the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thought in my head before I fall asleep. I’m obsessed with her. She is everything.
I love Elsie enough to let her go and grow on her own, to let her find herself without my shadow looming over her. Then, if we are truly meant to be, I will find her and fight like hell to make her love me again.
18
Doc, today I just need you to tell me that I did the right thing. Please.
Epilogue
“So did you tell her about your decision?” asked Doctor Galicia as she turned off the digital recorder for the last time.
“Yes, yesterday,” Henry said, his face filled with weary lines.
“And?”
“She is furious.” Henry leaned over and held his head in his hands. “She was so angry and so hurt. I feel like, instead of getting rid of my anger and resentment, I’ve somehow just infected her with it. But Elsie being the person she is, she tried to understand where I was coming from. She didn’t beg me to stay. She let me go.”
“Did that disappoint you?”
He shrugged, his head still bowed. “Maybe. I might have wanted her to fight for me but I think that would have just made it harder. Elsie has never tried to hold me back. I love that about her,” he said, his voice breaking at the end. He cleared his throat. “Doc, do you think…”
“What Henry?”
“Do you think I’m just putting another obstacle in the way of my happiness? Am I just intentionally ruining a relationship because I’m afraid I don’t deserve to be happy?” His heart thundered as he waited for the professional opinion.
“If I say yes, that you are just self-sabotaging, would you change your mind? Would you beg Elsie to take you back?”
He thought for a moment but his mind had already been made up. “No.”
Dr. Galicia took a small sip of water from her glass then set it back down onto the coffee table. “Then it doesn’t matter what I say. You’re still going to do what it is you’ve set out to do.” She picked up the recorder and slipped it into a paper sack along with the rest of the tapes. “Here, Henry. I hope listening to it again will give you some insight.”
He looked at the sack in his hands, at this little thing that supposedly held all the answers. “So this is it. My issues are all fixed?”
Doc Gal gave a rueful grin. “Not even close. But I think you’ve taken an important step.” She handed him her business card. “If you still need to talk, you can call me and we can continue our sessions over the phone.”
Henry looked down at the card, feeling overwhelmed with all of the goodbyes. “Thanks, Doc.”
They walked to the door but the she stopped him with a touch on the arm. “What do you really expect to happen with this separation, Henry?”
Henry took a deep breath, grasping the paper bag tight. “I expect to finally meet myself.”
ENGAGE is next in the series and will be released in December 2012.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Whew! What a wild ride the past few weeks have been!
As always, I am grateful to my husband for his love and support.
To my beta readers: Beth, Lara, Alicia, Kerry, and Shannon. You guys rock. Thank you for catching those errors!
To my editor at Clean Leaf Editing: you are awesome. ‘Nuff said.
Thank you to reviewers who have helped spread the word about The DISARM Series, particularly the wonderful people on Goodreads.com.
Thanks to Todd, Rina, and the staff at The Cherry Bean Café. You guys always make me feel so welcome.
Thank you, the reader, for coming along on this ride. Henry and Elsie still exist because of you.
Visit June Gray’s Blog for more information on upcoming projects, news, and short stories.
