by Doris Miller
“But Dana’s asleep right now Aunt Patricia,” Diane D says.
“Dana doesn’t need to be awake for this Diane,” Patricia says.
“She doesn‘t?”
“No, she doesn‘t have to lift a finger. I’ll handle everything.”
“You will?”
“Yes.”
“Aunt Patricia, it’s not right for you to treat Dana like she’s some cow or some milk machine, just so that YOU can make money off of it!”
“Excuse me Diane! But if it wasn‘t for YOUR HUSBAND getting horny when he saw Dana laying down sleeping, then allegedly woke her up to have sex with her and wind up accidentally getting her pregnant, she wouldn‘t be in this situation in the first place now, would she?”
“And if it wasn‘t for MY HUSBAND getting horny when he saw Dana laying down sleeping, then allegedly woke her up to have sex with her and wind up accidentally getting her pregnant, you wouldn’t be collecting any breast milk from her to make money off of it now, would you?!”
“And if it wasn‘t for YOUR HUSBAND getting horny when he saw Dana laying down sleeping, then allegedly woke her up to have sex with her and wind up accidentally getting her pregnant, you wouldn’t have allegedly tried to fix what he’s done by trying to abort the unborn baby out of Dana yourself, would you?!”
“Aunt Patricia, you did not have to go there.”
“Oh I did went there Diane. I did went there. Now if you don ‘t mind, I have to get to Dana.”
“Aunt Patricia, before you get to Dana, let me have those milk storage bottles please.”
“Let you have the milk storage bottles?”
“That’s right.”
“I’m not gonna give you these milk storage bottles Diane.”
“If you don’t give those milk storage bottles to me, then I have to take the milk storage bottles from you.”
“Take these milk storage bottles from me?”
“Yes, so you won’t use them on Dana.”
“Are you kidding me Diane?”
“No I’m not kidding you Aunt Patricia. I’m serious.”
“You can be serious all you want to Diane, but you’re not taking a damn thing from me!”
“But I have to take the milk storage bottles away from you Aunt Patricia! I can’t allow you to treat Dana like she’s a cow!”
“Why is it bothering you what I’m doing with Dana?! SHE doesn‘t have a problem with it! She never once complained about me collecting milk from her! Now if it’s not bothering her, then why the hell is it bothering you?!”
“Because you’re using her like a cow to make money for yourself!”
“So what! Don’t worry about it! If Dana is not worrying about it, you shouldn’t worry about it either! The only thing you should worry about, is making sure, that YOUR HUSBAND don’t get horny and knock her up again! Then she won‘t be in this situation again!”
“But since MY HUSBAND allegedly is the one who knocked her up, it’s my responsibility to make sure that you not treat her as a cow or milk machine, that’s why I have to take the milk storage bottles away from you!”
“You’re not taking these milk storage bottles away from me Diane. I paid for it and I’m going to use it!”
“No you cannot use those milk storage bottles on Dana Aunt Patricia! I have to take them from you!”
“You‘re not taking a damn thing from me Diane!”
“Yes I am!”
“No you’re not!”
“Yes I am.”
“Well try it then!”
“I don’t have to try Aunt Patricia. I will succeed in taking that bag from you.”
“You will?”
“That’s right.”
“No you won’t either! So you might as well step aside Diane! I have to get to Dana.”
“Not with that bag Aunt Patricia.”
“Definitely with this bag!”
“No you’re not!”
“Yes I am!”
Landa comes between Patricia and Diane D and shouts, “Aunt Patricia, Diane, please!”
Missy and Linda are outside Gracy and Mike’s house approaching the front door. All of a sudden, they hear a voice from inside the house shouting, “WILL YOU…” Missy and Linda look at each other! They turn back to the door as Linda quickly puts her keys in the lock and tries to unlock the door. The door opens and Linda and Missy burst into the house as the front door closes behind them.
When Linda and Missy look, they are shocked to see Diane D bending down turning towards the floor trying to pull the shopping bag right out of Patricia’s hands as Patricia bends over Diane D struggling to pull the shopping bags from out of Diane D’s grip with Landa desperately trying to break them up! Linda and Missy scream and rush to grab Diane D and Patricia as Diane D and Patricia struggle against each other trying to pull the shopping bags from out of each other’s grip! Diane D and Patricia lean to the side causing Diane D’s body to bang against the wall as Landa, Linda and Missy scream and try to pull Diane D and Patricia apart! Diane D and Patricia then struggle and lean towards the opposite way, causing Patricia’s body to bang against the other wall as Landa, Linda and Missy continue to hold on to them! Diane D and Patricia then lean to the other side again causing Diane D’s body to bang against the other wall again! Patricia then lifts her leg and knees Diane D right in the stomach area causing Diane D’s body to jerk up! Patricia and Diane D continue to try to pulling the shopping bags from out of each other’s grip as they lean towards the opposite way again, causing Patricia’s body to bang against the opposite wall again as Landa, Linda and Missy continue to scream and try to pull them apart! Suddenly the front door bursts open! Barry, David, Christine, Mary, Nicolas, Mickey, Uncle Willie, Aunt Celeste, Mike, Gracy, Alan and Christine’s other relatives from Jamaica burst into the house and approach Diane D and Patricia grabbing them both as Mike shouts, “What the hell is going on here?!” Diane D and Patricia continue to pull the shopping bags from out each other’s grip as the rest of the family scream and desperately try to pull them apart! The family finally manages to pull Diane D and Patricia apart with Diane D and Patricia still holding on to the shopping bag as the shopping bag stretches. Suddenly, the shopping bag rips apart and all the empty milk storage bottles and a full liter bottle of cola falls out and drops all onto the floor! An angry Patricia breaks loose from the family members who are holding her! She goes and bends down to pick up the soda bottle! She then rushes right to Diane D, swings the soda bottle in the air and hits Diane D right on the back of the head with the soda bottle as Diane D‘s head jerks backwards! “Patricia!” everybody screams as Diane D painfully grabs the back of her head! Everybody angrily grabs Patricia as Diane D suddenly falls to the floor! Everybody tries to catch Diane D as she brings everybody down to the floor with her!
Several minutes later, police cars and an ambulance are in the street outside of Gracy and Mike’s house. Mike, David, Nicolas, Mickey, Uncle Willie, Aunt Celeste are at the back of the ambulance looking inside of it.
Several yards away, Christine’s family and the police surround an angry Patricia trying to calm her down as she hollers and points towards the ambulance shouting, “She had no right to try and take my stuff away from me! I bought it! She got some nerve! Bring her out of that ambulance so I can hit her some more!”
“You are not going to hit Diane again Patricia!” Alan shouts.
“Oh yes I will goddammit! Bring her out here!”
Barry, Gracy and Christine come out of the ambulance. Christine angrily walks towards Patricia and points her arm and finger at her shouting, “How dare you hit Diane with that soda bottle! You had no right to hit her with that soda bottle!”
“Bloodclaat!” Patricia shouts. “She had no right to grab my stuff! She’s the one who started this whole mess by grabbing my shit! She don’t touch my shit! Bring her out of that ambulance so I can hit her upside her head again! I’m ready for her!” Christine’s family and the
police continue to surround Patricia trying to calm her down!
The following day, Junior, Zaviar and Gwendolyn are sitting in the control room at the TV Station behind TV monitors again looking at a newspaper article with a headline that reads: ROUND 2 OF DIANE D VS. HER COUSIN DANA’S AUNT PATRICIA! “Wow,” Junior says. “This article says that the police were called to Diane D’s paternal grandparents’ home again!”
“Oh yeah?” Zaviar asks.
“Yeah!”
“What happened?”
“It says that Diane D and her cousin Dana’s Aunt Patricia from Jamaica got into another physical altercation!”
“What? Diane D and her cousin Dana’s Aunt Patricia from Jamaica got into another physical altercation?”
“Yeah!”
“What happened this time?” Gwendolyn asks.
“Well according to this article, it says that Diane D and her cousin Dana’s Aunt Patricia were trying to pull and grab a shopping bag from out of each other’s hands!”
“They were trying to pull and grab a shopping bag from out of each other’s hands?”
“That‘s what this article says. It then says the rest of their family came home burst into the house and caught Diane D and her cousin Dana’s aunt Patricia trying to pull the shopping bag from out of each other’s hands, so their family grab them both and tried to break them apart!”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.“
“Why were they trying to pull and grab a shopping bag from out of each other’s hands?” Zaviar asks.
“I think it had something to do with Dana.”
“Dana?”
“Yeah.”
“Well what does the shopping bag have to do with her?”
“I think what was in the shopping bag had something to do with her?”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Well what was in the shopping bag?”
“I don’t know, it doesn‘t really say.”
“Was anybody seriously hurt?” Gwendolyn asks.
“Well it said somebody went into the ambulance this time.”
“Somebody went into the ambulance?” Zaviar asks.
“Yeah, and guess who it was.”
“Dana’s Aunt Patricia of course.”
“You’re wrong. It was Diane D!”
“Diane D?!” Zaviar and Gwendolyn shouts.
“You mean somebody put Diane D into the ambulance?!” Zaviar shouts.
“Yeah!” Junior shouts.
“Wow, it’s usually the other way around! Diane D is usually the one who be putting people in the ambulance! You mean to tell us that this time, somebody else put Diane D into the ambulance?!”
“Yep.”
“Wow! How did she wind up being put into the ambulance?”
“Well it says that when the family broke Diane D and her cousin Dana’s Aunt Patricia apart, that’s when the shopping bag ripped apart and all the stuff fell out of the shopping bag onto the floor including a soda bottle, that’s when Dana’s aunt Patricia picked up the soda bottle, rushed right to Diane D and whammed Diane D right on the head with the soda bottle!”
“What!” Zaviar and Gwendolyn shouts.
“Dana’s Aunt Patricia hit Diane D over the head with the soda bottle?!” Gwendolyn shouts.
“Yeah, according to the police report!” Junior says. “This article says that Diane D painfully grabbed the back of her head and fell to the floor!”
“Diane D fell to the floor?!” Zaviar asks.
“That’s what this article says. That’s why she went into the ambulance.”
“Wow.”
“Was anybody arrested?” Gwendolyn asks.
“No,” Junior says. “Diane D and her cousin Dana’s aunt Patricia didn’t press charges against each other.”
“They didn’t?”
“No. It says that Diane D was released from the hospital a few hours later.”
“She was?”
“Yeah.”
“Well that’s good,” Zaviar says. “I guess Diane D finally met her match, didn‘t she? Her cousin Dana’s Aunt Patricia is from Jamaica, you don’t mess with those Jamaicans, you hear how Dana is, right? She‘s the one who beat up those three female police officers and injured them for life! They now all on permanent disability, because of her!”
“And she’s the one everybody thinks shot at that newspaper reporter Felix Green on the highway and shot him injuring him for life! I wouldn’t want to come across her.”
“Me neither. I don’t want to be on permanent disability.”
“Neither do I,” Gwendolyn says. “If I ever become a cop and I ever had to arrest Diane D’s cousin Dana, I will tell my partner, ‘no you arrest her instead‘ then my partner will say to me ‘no you arrest her!’ We will be going back and forth at each other trying to debate which one of us is going to have to arrest Dana.”
“And while you and your partner are debating which one of y’all are going to have to arrest Dana, Dana will be out of there making her quick getaway.” Junior, Zaviar and Gwendolyn laugh as they look at the article.
Chapter 30
Grandpa Mike Sends Diane D And Aunt Patricia Packing
