by Aileen Rose
I tilt my head back touching the ground and I close my eyes. I no longer care about how much my body hurts. What makes me suffer is the need I feel in me. The need that only he can satisfy. I raise my hips to meet him savagely. He responds by moving in me just as fierce as I want him to, but he goes on being tender with the rest of my body, driving me insane.
Who am I? I can’t even remember who I am. All the moments of my eighteen year old life have vanished. There is only this forest. Him and me.
I start trembling and my heart throbs, perhaps meeting its true purpose for the very first time. He releases his embrace and grasps the back of my neck compelling my lips to touch his. Every violent thrust of his is like eating a piece of delicious chocolate.
“Yes…” I moan in his mouth.
He looks at me with an obscure gaze.
“Your eyes are green like the leaves on the trees and your hair as brown as the ground. You fit in so flawlessly. Don’t you want to know who you really are?” he breathes on my lips. “I am the only one who can unveil the truth.”
I look at him ready to cry again. Not out of pain. Not out of need. But because his words rub that part of my soul that suffers, that wants to be explored like a virgin land that has remained intact for centuries and craves to be occupied, appreciated and transformed.
He doesn’t let go of my neck or my hands pointing out his power over me. His total possession of my body, heart and soul. We both can no longer contain ourselves and trembling, we come to an engrossing peak of our union.
“Is this what you want?” he asks worn out.
I look at him in amazement. I am so taken aback by the response of my body to his dominance that I can hardly keep my eyes open, let alone understand what he is talking about.
“To go?” he clarifies.
I open my mouth to say something, but I am at a loss.
“Because your body just betrayed your genuine yearning.”
Yes, it did. Even I didn’t know what it craved. Somehow, he knew.
He lets my hands and my neck and pulls out of me slowly but he doesn’t get up. With his body bearing down on me, he finally says the words I have been longing to hear.
“You are free to do whatever you want. Go. If you walk straight ahead, in the end you will find your way. I can’t keep you if you don’t want to. I presumed you were different from the rest of the girls.”
I am free. And there is a way back home after all. Why don’t I feel relieved? Why do I feel like I am sinking in the abyss?
He stands over me totally naked and I try to cover my nudity with my dress. He turns into a wolf and heads to the direction of the lake.
I sit up, dusting my hair from the dirt. It’s the dumbest thing anyone can do after they have been raped, but I really don’t know how to act. Do I tell him goodbye, thank you very much for the pleasure? Or I remain silent and go back to my house without looking back ever again?
He doesn’t let me linger much on my thoughts.
“If you decide to come back to me, you must know that I promise you will find what you are looking for,” he says. “But you will have to follow my rules and never disobey me again. You still have a lot to learn. I just want to be clear. And I will not be as lenient with you as I have already been. You abused my kindness and that has its repercussions. It’s your choice. Before you make up your mind though, think of this. Do you assume that any of these men, who were candidates to marry you, can guide you to discover what you seek for? If what you desire is diamonds and feeling like a precious queen, then go. Don’t ever come back.”
That is…just great. He leaves me alone and more confused than ever.
Chapter 5
I remain like that, on the ground, hugging my knees. I can’t get him out of my mind and what he did to me in these two days. It seems like all my life until the moment I met him was a smudge. Insignificant moments that all led to these two days.
Yet, I have never felt more lost and helpless. I close my eyes, allowing my tears to course down my cheeks freely.
What do I do? I know what he expects now. If I go back, I can’t leave again. It will be my choice. Then again, my parents must be out of their minds, assuming I am lost or even dead. Perhaps I should return home, where I belong and stop being self-centered. I had my share of fun. But I have to go back to reality. Commit myself to one of my handsome admirers, get married and have a bunch of children.
Yes, Calista. This is what you should do.
I get up and put on my shoes. My panties lie a little further, fortunately still moderately clean. Holding them in my hand, I stare towards the direction that leads to my house uncertain as I could ever be. If I opt for this route then I had better do it wearing underwear. I take a step to the path that will lead me to my freedom. Then another and another. Three steps further from him. Three steps away from ever knowing if he possessed the answers to my questions.
Another step. And I stop. I can always go back to my house and to my predictable life. But I won’t be able to come back to him. What if this is something I will always regret for the rest of my life? Will I be able to go on, knowing I turned my back to what I long for with all my heart just because I was scared to face it? And why does it feel like this precise moment the path to my home seems more like an imprisonment? I close my eyes trying to hear what I want. Not what my parents desire, not what society expects I should do, not even what Conor anticipates. I open my eyes and drop my panties on the ground with sheer resolution.
When I enter the hut, he looks at me astonished. It’s clear he didn’t expect to see me again. He is sitting on a chair by the table wearing only a pair of pants and preparing lunch. I take my shoes off and place them beside the door. Slowly and without losing eye contact I move towards him. I stand in front of him certain that my heart beats so loud that he can hear it. His eyes are inquiring, examining my intentions.
I kneel before him as he instructed me to, with my legs open, my hands on my thighs and I bow my head. There is a sweet pain in my chest. The pain of surrendering my will to him. At the same time, I feel my lower belly tighten and I am deliciously wet. For some reason, I take pleasure in this position, below him.
For a few minutes he doesn’t react at all. I don’t know what he is feeling. He could be angry with me for leaving. What if he wants to punish me? He said he wouldn’t be lenient as before, which only means he will be harder with me. If what he has already done to me wasn’t rough.
“Undress,” he finally commands me.
I lift my head to look at him in order to confirm his wish.
“Did I give you permission to look at me?” he asks harshly.
My eyes are open wide in terror. I blink swiftly twice and drop my head.
“I gave you an order. I don’t want you to linger when I tell you to do something.”
I take my dress off without looking at him, remaining totally nude.
And then, I just wait. He doesn’t get up or talk to me. He continues preparing the food.
After a significant amount of time, he stands up. I really wish he would order me to get up. My knees and feet are killing me. His fingers lift my chin up.
“From now on, your name will be ‘bitch’,” he states.
Bitch?
I open my mouth to protest.
“Stop,” he startles me. “You are not allowed to speak. I really love your name. Calista is extremely beautiful. But as long as you are with me, you are ‘bitch’. Why? Because if I had a female wolf with me, I would call her a bitch. Wouldn’t I? Do you think I should make an exception just because you are a human?”
Of course you have to make an exception. I am a woman, a noble woman, not a female wolf.
“Answer me,” he insists.
“No, my Lord,” I reply in the way I know he desires.
He fights back a smile unsuccessfully.
“I know you don’t mean it, but I appreciate your effort. Do you remember how I taught you to cook?”
“No, my L
ord.”
“Sure you don’t. You were too busy thinking how to escape.” His voice sounds coarse. “Get up. This time you will pay attention and if tomorrow you can’t cook, I will punish you.”
“Yes, my Lord.”
Indeed I pay attention and keep mental notes so that I don’t have to ask him anything tomorrow. When the meat is ready, he orders me to serve him and after I do so, I put a portion of meat on a plate and place it on the table, ready to sit on a chair.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“Sitting down to eat,” I reply bemused.
“Who said that you can eat on the table?”
“I can’t?”
“You are a bitch. Remember? Do bitches eat on the table?”
Why is he doing this? Is this the way he wants to make me pay for my attempt to go away? With extreme humiliation?
“No, my Lord.” I am on the verge of bursting into tears.
“Then, eat like a bitch would.”
I bite my lower lip to prevent it from quivering with no result. I am like a small child that has done something really bad and its teacher wants to punish it in front of the whole classroom. All my body shakes from the vehemence of my emotions.
I place the plate reluctantly on the floor and kneel over it.
“Bitches don’t eat off a plate.”
He has got to be kidding. I am not eating off the floor!
I look at him, pleading that he lets me eat with some dignity. I am naked on my knees, prepared to eat off a plate and he demands more?
He leans down, takes the plate and throws the meat on the wooden floor.
“Only for this time, you are permitted to use your hands. But the meat will not leave the floor. Understood?”
I nod. What keeps me from crying is my incredible hunger. I haven’t eaten anything all day. And this is what drives me to lean on my hands and grasp the meat with my teeth, as if I were a wild animal. Oh, it’s exquisite. I grab another bite, ignoring him completely. I moan with pleasure. The more I eat, the more I don’t mind being in this position. My lips, nose and chin are a mess but I am enjoying it immensely. It’s like when I was a kid, that I wasn’t considered a lady and I could be as dirty as I liked. I am a child again that plays carefree.
After we eat, he commands me to wash the plates in the lake. However, I have to go there crawling. Like a real wolf would do. Fortunately, the hut is close by the lake so I don’t have to cross a large distance on my hands and knees.
The plates are clean and dry on the shelves. I have to pee though. I turn to get out still crawling.
“Where are you going?” he asks.
“Outside.”
“Why?”
“Well…I need to pee.”
“Did you ask for my permission?”
My jaw drops.
“I didn’t know I had to ask in order to pee.”
He comes over me and grabs my hair obliging my head to fall backwards.
“From the moment you came back, every action of yours belongs to me. Do you understand this?”
“Yes, my Lord.”
“Good. Now, I want to make sure you will remember this. So, as a reminder I will be watching you while you pee.”
“What?”
“Go outside, bitch. You have a need to cover. I am giving you permission and you must obey. Don’t feel shame. Does a wolf feel shame when he does this?”
“No, but a wolf is an…”
“Animal. Right now, you are one, too. You are no longer Calista,” he says and lets go of my hair.
Well, I deserved that. I had to be curious and come back. I go outside, always on hands and knees – which by the way are sore and dirty - and head to the back of the hut near some bushes. It’s stupid that I want to go behind the hut, among bushes, since there are no other humans close, but at least it gives me a sense of seclusion.
It’s not the first time I have to pee outside. Having spent my entire life living in a house in the forest and taking long walks, there had been several occasions I had no other choice. Nevertheless, I was always careful that no one was watching.
This is so demeaning. He is standing over me with his hands in his pants’ pockets. I close my eyes and let myself free, pretending he is not there. But my pride is aware of his presence. As much as I postponed it ever since I returned, now I can’t help weeping. Why does he do this? Is this what I am looking for? To be humiliated and to cry all the time?
“Go wash yourself,” he tells me when I am finished.
Crawling, I get into the water and wash myself. It is a hot summer day and I relish the cool sensation. I am conscious that he is staring at me, but right now I don’t care. The still surface of the lake, resembling a mirror, invites me to dive and stretch my stiff body. After all the kneeling, crawling and pure degradation, a girl deserves to take it easy.
I lie on my back, allowing the water to carry me in its liquid embrace. I close my eyes and it’s only me, the lake and the sounds of the forest. Suddenly, I remember Conor. I swim towards the shore avoiding eye contact with him. He seems aloof. This is not good. Rapidly, I get out of the lake and he approaches me holding a towel. How on earth does he have a towel? Well, it must be one of the things he has collected over the years from the rich families’ garbage, like the women’s clothes as well. Why would he collect women’s clothes is something I still don’t understand. I have to remember to ask him.
He rubs my skin with the towel and I shiver as he touches all parts of my body relentlessly. As soon as his task to dry my body is over, he smacks my ass hard making me pant.
“This is for swimming without my permission. I ordered you to wash yourself, not to have fun.”
I should be hurt and offended. But oddly I am not. Like it is the most natural thing in the world, I bow my head and apologize.
“Every time I correct your behavior, you will kneel and kiss my hand,” he says and I do as he instructs me.
I can’t explain why this gesture of me kneeling in front of him and kissing his hand makes me want him. My cheeks must be red, as I feel them burning. I hope he won’t notice my excitement. How can he have this power over me? And how come all the other men who claimed me in the past left me indifferent?
Once the bright sun hides, darkness and silence spreads all over the forest. He taught me how to cook fish and I had to eat again off the floor. I am thoroughly worn out.
“May I go to bed, my Lord?” I ask him while he is carving a piece of wood. I can’t tell what he wants to make, as he hasn’t formed a shape yet and I don’t dare ask.
“No, you may not. You will sleep there.” He points to the rug in front of the fireplace.
“What? I can’t sleep on the floor.”
“I slept on the floor the first night you were here and you didn’t mind.”
“You were a…”
“Wolf. How many more times are you going to use this argument? These are my rules, bitch. There will be nights that you will get to sleep on my bed, when you deserve it and you should be really thankful for that privilege. But tonight is not one of these nights.”
I feel like I am a nothing. Smaller than the ants walking in the woods. I don’t cry though. This is my decision and I will carry out my task with dignity.
It’s only a game, Calista. Only a game. A parallel life that you get to live for some days before going back to your normal life.
This is my last thought before huddling up on the rug in front of the warm fire oblivious to the next day’s tests and sufferings my soul and my body has to undergo.
Chapter 6
He wakes me up by licking my nose. He has turned into a wolf. He gazes at my naked, aching body with unexpected kindness. There are bruises on my knees from all the crawling, while my back is sore and scratched. The fire has blown out and even though it’s the beginning of a new summer’s day, there is a cool morning chill all around the room. I curl up more.
“Good morning,” he says. “You can wear a dress. No pant
ies. And today I allow you to walk, but you still have to ask permission for everything else. Understood?”
I nod compliantly.
“Good. I’m going hunting. I expect you will behave properly when I return.”
He must be talking about kneeling before him. I nod again and he leaves me alone. It seems he trusts me now that I won’t escape, since he didn’t tie me up. Well, I had my chance and he willingly offered me my freedom, but this is my choice. No matter how degrading and harsh he is. I want to find out what I’m looking for and I won’t give up. Even if my motive is just my stubbornness not to abandon my attempt.
What he doesn’t know – or does he? – is that I have always been a rebel. Against my parents, the society’s established rules, the way people pretend to have real and meaningful relationships. His control over me and the way he treats me is another form of my rebellion against everything I know and has been forced upon me ever since I was born. Sure, he too compels me to do things for him and react in a certain way. There is a huge difference between society’s forceful ways and his. His words, his orders and his rules don’t alienate me from who I really am and from what I really desire. All my life I was obliged to behave in a certain way to please others. Nevertheless, pleasing him, satisfies me too.
Calista, if only he knew that when he thinks he humiliates you, you feel content and fulfilled.
Having worn a beautiful, yellow, long dress I sit by a tree watching the ducks gliding peacefully around the lake. It’s such a beautiful morning. I close my eyes and cherish the sun’s touch on my face. It’s one of those days you wish you could just spend your entire day lying under the warm embrace of the sun.
There is a growl, breaking my reverie. Without a second thought, I kneel on the ground, lowering my head. I can only see his wolf feet. He doesn’t say a thing and walks to the hut. Not knowing what to do after and because I am not allowed to speak, I remain on my knees.
