by Aileen Rose
However, what he wants to do is use me as a table. Yes, as a table. And not even as that. More like as a plate. He places the meat and potatoes on my back and starts eating. He orders me not to move at all. If I do, he will spank me. Grease has stained my back and some of it is dripping down my ribs.
I am hungry and disappointed. My pride is hurt. I was expecting he felt lust for me, but all he wanted was to use me as an object. Is this what I am for him? An object? Something that he can use whenever he feels like it? I bite my lower lip in order to contain myself from crying.
I didn’t feel like this the first day I returned. He made me crawl, eat on the floor and even watched me pee. Why does it matter now? I found peace and satisfaction in humiliation. Why does it hurt me now?
Silly, Calista. Because you have fallen in love with him. Don’t you realize it? Your feelings for him have grown stronger with every day that passes by. You care about his opinion and you want him to want you, not degrade you and punish you.
Is this true? Am I in love? I have never been in love before. But from what my friends have described, I guess this is how it must feel like. I hate to admit it even to myself. Where have I got myself into? I know he isn’t in love with me. A man in love wouldn’t use his girl as a table.
“You are a good bitch,” he says as a reward when he has finished eating. “Go wash yourself and then you can eat on the table.”
As I wash myself in the lake I let loose the tears that were struggling to free themselves. There is a sweet pain in my chest. I want to serve him and obey him, even if he doesn’t love me. Even just in order to be close to him. And then it occurs to me. The other girls...They all left. In the end, I will have to leave, too, after I have learnt everything I need to know. Will it matter though? I feel like my heart is breaking in small pieces when I think I will have to go.
I wipe away my tears, hoping I still have a lot to learn and that he will not get rid of me soon.
I eat in silence, lost in my thoughts.
“What is it?” he asks me. He is still sitting on his chair, watching me as I eat.
“Nothing, my Lord,” I mutter without removing my gaze from the food.
He gets up and kneels beside me. He gently touches my chin with his fingers and turns my head to him.
“Look at me.”
Hesitantly, my eyes meet his dark, beautiful eyes and I cease breathing for some seconds.
“You have been crying,” he says. “Your eyes are red. Why, my bitch?”
“It’s nothing.” I lower my gaze again.
“No. Don’t avoid me. Look at me. I need to know what you are feeling, my bitch. Did it hurt you that I used you like a table?”
I nod.
“Why?”
I can’t tell him why. There is no way I am telling him what I feel.
“It was humiliating,” I manage to say.
“I have made you do way more degrading things than that and you weren’t sad. Or at least you told me you didn’t like something. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because I wanted to obey you, my Lord.”
And also because I know that he wouldn’t listen to me. He expects from me to obey and only that. Then again, it’s not his fault he doesn’t know how I feel about him.
He stares at me, in deep thoughts. I wish I knew what he is thinking.
“You know there is a reason for everything I do, right? You don’t know the reason yet, but you understand I don’t do all this just for my pleasure.”
“Yes, my Lord.”
“I am guiding you to where you need to go. Without my help, my orders and my punishments, would you have submitted to me? Would you have accepted what your body and soul desires?”
“No. Of course not.”
“Then, trust me. If I am being harsh with you, it’s because it is what I have to do. It doesn’t mean I am angry or that you have done something wrong.”
He caresses my cheek with affection, making me melt.
“Don’t be sad, my bitch. You are doing really well. Probably better than all the girls I had in the past. Your desire to obey me is so strong, even though I know you wish to rebel. But you surrendered, my bitch. You surrendered totally, so many times. This is who you are. Don’t let your fears cover your true self. You can’t see her yet, but I do and I know she is worth coming to the surface. The more you surrender, the easier it will be for her to feel safe and reveal herself.”
I am weeping again. How does he do this? How do his words touch me so deeply?
In the evening, after swimming in the lake, I take him in my mouth again and this time he comes on my lips. I’m rather getting used to it. To tell the truth I rather enjoy it. Perhaps a little more than I should.
My test this night is to tie me as he had tied me yesterday, hands on the bed and legs bended on my chest. This time he blindfolds me and covers my mouth with a piece of fabric. I can’t move, see or speak. I can only feel and listen. He takes me roughly, crying that I belong to him and that he can do whatever he wishes to me. I let go in his hands and I feel like I am flying. He is only pointing out what is real. I truly belong to him. I am grateful he has prevented me from talking. Because in the ferocity of my emotions I am sure I would scream that I am his. And I may not scream it with my voice, but I scream it with all the power of my heart.
Chapter 10
“Today you will come with me,” he says the next morning when he wakes me up.
“Hunting?”
“Yes. Wear only your panties and nothing more.”
“Yes, my Lord.”
He turns into a wolf and we walk together in the forest. We haven’t walked side by side with him as a wolf, ever since the evening I met him in the woods. It’s so different now. Back then, he was only a wolf. A treacherous escape from my predictable life. But now he is the man I love. How can I love a man who shifts into a wolf? I should know better than that.
I can’t help admiring his elegant body and his sleek fur that glistens under the sun.
“Can you crawl with me?” he asks.
“Yes, my Lord,” I reply. If I was told a few days ago that I would find pleasure in calling a wolf ‘my Lord’, I would have never believed it. I am spellbound by him, consumed by his presence in whichever form. Allowing me to call him ‘my Lord’ is a rare privilege.
I stand on hands and knees and follow him. I am practically naked, apart from the light blue, satin panties I am wearing. I don’t think I can crawl for too long, as the ground is rough with scattered pebbles that hurt my unaccustomed skin.
Suddenly, he halts and orders me to sit beside him immobile. His eyes stare intently at a bush not far from us. He smells the air and then I see it. A rabbit lurking behind the bush.
“Stay here,” he whispers.
Having located his prey, he heads towards it slowly. He aims to approach it unnoticed. Then, as he closes in, his pace quickens. The rabbit senses him and flees away from the bush, but he pursues it. He jumps and captures it with his paws. Before it has a chance to escape, he bites it hard on the neck and kills it. I press my eyes shut and turn my head away. This is too brutal for me.
Calista, how can you love this man? He is an animal. A beast. He just hunted down an innocent rabbit and ruthlessly killed it.
It shouldn’t shock me, since every day he comes back from hunting with a dead animal in his mouth. It’s another thing imagining him chasing his prey and something absolutely different to actually witness the pursue.
When I open my eyes, he is standing in front of me, his prey hanging from his bloodstained teeth. There is sorrow in his eyes. He gently lets the animal on the ground.
“Go back walking. Just obey,” he says.
I don’t understand why he doesn’t want us to go back together, but I obey willingly.
In human form now, he doesn’t talk to me at all while I am cooking and when I ask him if I can eat on the table, he simply nods.
We take a nap in the early afternoon, all the while ho
lding me close to him. Unnaturally close to him. I feel like he is in agony for some reason. Something has changed. Could it be because I averted my look when he killed the rabbit? Could he feel ashamed? But in order to care about how I felt, he should...No, Calista, don’t even think about it. He is just someone who guides you and nothing more.
And all those times that he has called me his bitch or that I belong to him, don’t mean anything?
“It’s all part of your education,” a voice inside me points out. I have to learn how to surrender to a man and he just says these words to help me achieve this goal. Yes, nothing more.
Sweet bliss fills me in his arms and I want to stay in them forever. I pray he has some feelings for me. That I am not just another girl.
For the rest of the day, he is distant and silent. Before we sleep, I ask him if there will be any oral training tonight.
“No, bitch. No training, tonight. I am really tired. Let’s just go to sleep. You are allowed to sleep with me.”
There is a hollow in my heart. I feel like the end is near. He is bored by me and soon it will all be over. I dig my head between his shoulder and neck and savor his intoxicating smell. He moans my name. My real name. He tightens his embrace more, making sure I will not be able to move at all. He sees me in his dreams? Perhaps there is still hope for him and me.
The pain wakes me up. It’s a sharp pain originating from my belly. I rub it, trying to soothe it. I look around searching for Conor. He is not in the hut. He must have gone hunting without waking me up. I coil to avoid the pain. What is wrong? This is a familiar sensation. Oh, no...It can’t be...I had totally forgotten about that. I take a glimpse between my legs, lifting my nightgown. My panties are blemished red.
I get up immediately. There is a broad blood stain on the bed. Could this be more embarrassing? Without further thinking, I take off my nightgown and I am left with my panties. I have to change as quickly as possible. But what is the point even if I change panties? In a few minutes they will be soaking with blood again. I have to do something, before he comes. I am still holding my nightgown in my hands trying to figure out what to do.
His growl interrupts my thoughts. He stands at the door as a wolf, having left his dead prey on the floor. He looks at me in the way he was staring at the rabbit yesterday and he smells the air. I look down and I see a thin trace of blood flowing down my inner thigh. I realize that he sniffs the blood.
“Conor,” I mutter impulsively.
He approaches me, showing his teeth. He is not Conor anymore. He is only a wolf. The smell of the blood has deprived him of any humanity. I take two steps back. The blood has now trickled to my knee and I wipe it off with my nightgown.
“Conor, please turn into a man. You scare me,” I say with a trembling voice.
His growl echoes louder and deeper through the small space of the hut. He jumps on me and throws me on the floor, before I have any chance to react. He smells voraciously at the blood on my panties.
“Conor, don’t...”
His angry roar stops me. His eyes are made of dark fire, obliging me to cease any form of resistance. He bows his head and licks the blood that has been streaming down my inner thigh. My heartbeat accelerates its rhythm. I am terrified. He can do anything to me. Now he is a wild animal that has nothing to do with the man I love and trust. And I know how blood drives animals insane.
“Conor,” I shout in a last, desperate attempt to bring him back to me.
Once more he shows me his teeth enraged and turns into a man. I don’t have a chance to be content about it, as he violently rips off my panties and opens my legs. He pierces me viciously. He may be in his human form, but he is still an animal. His thrusts are quick and harsh, provoking pain to me. But what really pushes me to the edge are his hands over my neck, trying to choke me. As he is taking me ferociously, he looks at me like a rabid dog and his hands prevent me from breathing. He has never been so harsh. I am beyond terrified and since I can’t speak, I beg him with watery eyes to stop.
But he doesn’t. He goes on, tearing me apart. His release is so passionate that I feel him pulsating in me. He arches his head back and lets out a howl. Only then he lets go of my neck and lets me breathe regularly.
I hide my face in my hands, as my body quivers from the force of my sobs. He pulls out of me and removes my hands off my face. He is back and desperation has clouded his eyes. He raises my upper body and wraps me in his arms. We stay like that, me crying on his shoulder, my fingernails stuck on the skin of his back and him caressing my hair.
“What have I done?” he whispers with anguish in his voice.
I’m holding on to him like a lifesaver, powerless to shift position. At some point, I cease weeping, but I am still panting, while he strokes my hair and my back. He gently pulls my head back so as to look at him. There is profound pain drawn in his eyes. A pain that stabs my heart.
“I am so sorry, Calista.”
I have never seen him like that. So vulnerable and not in control of his emotions.
“Please, go wash yourself,” he says. “There are pieces of cloth in the bottom drawer, that you can use them to absorb your blood. I will be gone for the next few days. I will only bring you food and prepare it for you to cook it. Nevertheless, I will be sleeping here at night in order to protect you from wild animals.”
I can’t hide my disappointment.
“Why, my Lord?”
He sighs closing his eyes for an instant.
“Just obey, Calista.”
But I just can’t let him go without an answer.
“Is it because of what happened? It wasn’t your fault, my Lord. It was the blood. I understand.”
“I don’t want to discuss this,” he states sternly and picks me up. “While I am gone your duties remain the same. Keep yourself and the hut clean. The rest of the time you are allowed to do what you want.”
“How many days will you be gone, my Lord?”
“For as long as I have to.”
“But I…”
“Just accept what your Lord says. Stop trying to convince me otherwise. Do you trust me, my bitch?”
“Yes, my Lord.”
“Then, trust me on this one, too. I won’t abandon you. I will still be here. There is no reason for you to be displeased.”
“Yes, my Lord,” I reply lowering my eyes in order to conceal my true feelings. This is one order I can’t obey. There is no way I can control my emotions.
The next days slip by at an extraordinary slow pace. Every morning, I anticipate the slightest sound that will indicate he comes back from hunting. More than readily, I rush to kneel in front of him to show him my respect and my gratitude for his presence. He remains distant and inexpressive. After he does his duty, helping me to prepare the food, he leaves. He doesn’t return to have lunch or dinner with me.
The rest of the days, I am swimming in the lake or lying beside it under a tree thinking of my life. How it used to be, what my parents must be feeling, but most of all I think of him. His absence is consuming me. Even though he is not around I carry him with me. Sometimes, I even pretend I talk to him. I must be going insane. Instead of worrying about my poor parents and how anxious they must be with me missing, I am being egoistic. I wish I could think clearly, but I can’t. There is only him in my mind, my heart and soul.
Calista, how could you let yourself go? Look at you now. You are pathetic. Begging for a man’s attention.
I spend a lot of time staring towards the way that leads to my house. If only I had the courage to leave. To be sane and not be driven by my desire to be close to him and please him. Have I become like all my girlfriends? No. They don’t want a man like Conor. They can’t give themselves to a man. They opt for a man who will satisfy their every need and make them feel like a queen. Who will be rich and will provide them with everything they have ever dreamt of. Why couldn’t I be like them? All those candidates wanted to fulfill my every desire, no matter how crazy it would be. Their willingness to
please me, without really knowing me, brought me disgust. I know I wouldn’t be happy with any of them. No one could treat me like Conor has. They would put me in a golden cage like a precious, fragile bird. Conor didn’t mind breaking me into a thousand pieces. Only to reveal what was hidden beneath them. A girl able to love more than she could ever expect. And he knew it all along. I am sure he knew that my greatest wish and strength laid in loving without any boundaries.
During the days he is away, my sleep is restless. Since he is not here to ask him, I take the initiative and sleep on the bed. Every time I wake up shaken by my nightmares, I am relieved by seeing him sleeping on the rug in front of the fireplace in his wolf form. Until cruel morning arrives again and steals him away from me.
Chapter 11
Our common life turns back to normal after six days. He is back to being my Lord and I couldn’t be more content. He is obviously cheerful about coming back too, as I can discern from the way he talks to me while we prepare lunch.
“Did you go to school?” he asks me.
It’s perhaps the only question he has ever asked me about my life.
“Yes. But I also had private tutors.”
“Teaching you what?”
“Well, everything a lady of my class should know to be an eligible wife. Piano, foreign languages and good manners.”
“Good manners? Like?”
“How to address people like a lady, eat and drink in a fashionable mode, even how to pick dresses and the finest jewelry.”
“That sounds interesting,” he comments sarcastically.
“It wasn’t at all. I always felt like I didn’t belong there. I preferred to run in the forest on my own, oblivious to staining my fine dresses.”
He gives me a look that I can only interpret as disbelief.
“Don’t you believe me, my Lord?”
“Oh, no, my bitch. I do believe you. You have proved to me you are unlike most girls. But I would like to know to what extent. Come with me. I will teach you something I am sure no teacher ever bothered to show you.”
